Chapter 25
April
I watched Jordan blanch as he reacted to my declaration of love. He actually looked like he might pass out. Not the response I’d always imagined when telling a guy I loved him. And I didn’t say the words lightly. In fact, I’d never said those words to any other man—not even Gunnar. But I’d never felt like this for any other man. I could admit all that to him now, but I knew he didn’t want to hear it. His features were shuttering, like a house boarding up in preparation for a hurricane.
“I’m not expecting anything more from you than to just give this a chance,” I said into the silence, hating how my voice trembled.
He looked away. “What does that mean exactly?”
Well, this was hopeful. At least he wanted to hear me out. “That…that we date like normal people when I leave Draco.”
“I don’t know how to date like normal people. Last time I did that, I got my nuts squashed. Not willing to go there again.”
“Not now or…”
He shrugged. “Maybe not ever.”
I blinked. “So this was all about sneaking around, the thrill of it? After I walk out of here, we’re done for good?”
He didn’t look happy with that possibility either. I felt nauseous, my stomach tight and knotted. I’d just put all that out there. I’d pulled my heart out of my chest and put it in his hands. Whether he twisted and crushed it or cradled and treasured it was entirely out of my control.
“Jordan…” I scooted up to him, put my palms on his cheeks, splayed out my fingers and gently guided his head so that he would look at me. My eyes met his, and I peered into those murky depths—today, the color of silt and seawater. “Let me tell you something. There’s a big difference between the person you see when you look in the mirror and the one I see when I look at you. The one you see was betrayed by a childhood lover, rejected by a father who was angry at you because you didn’t live up to his dream. But the man I see? He’s strong and sensitive. Protective, brilliant, caring. You put yourself out there for me—with the video, when Gunnar was pulling his shit, when Cari was threatening me. You didn’t have to do those things, but you did. And I’ll be forever grateful. But it’s not why I love you. I love you because of who you are when I look at you. Not what I want you to be.”
Something in his eyes changed. They were hard. And I still couldn’t read him or his face, but his hands slid around my waist to pull me against him into a tight hug.
He didn’t say anything, just held me there. I could feel his wild heartbeat beneath mine as our bodies pressed together. I could get lost in this feeling, the security of his arms around me, despite this uncertainty of what his feelings were. I didn’t need a label from him right now if he was too afraid to admit the truth. But he couldn’t deny it. He did care, as he’d shown over and over again with his actions.
He buried his face in my hair, muttering, “What are you doing to me?”
I kissed him where I could reach him at the bottom of his neck, just above the neckline of his t-shirt. His arms tightened and his arousal surged against my stomach. Immediately, his mouth landed on my neck, devouring my ear, my jaw, my lips.
He pushed us back toward the wall in the tiny dressing room and I went with him willingly, our mouths fastened together. My hands slipped under his shirt, across his hard, packed abs. His hand slid to the inside of my thighs, stroking them firmly, and then he slipped his fingers under the crotch of my swimsuit. I whimpered…and that really seemed to get him going.
With a swift yank, one side of my suit was off my shoulder, exposing my breast. He sealed his mouth over my nipple while sliding his fingers under the other side of the suit to roll that nipple between his thumb and forefinger. My lust surged and I arched my back, crying out. He quieted me, putting his mouth back on mine as he tugged on the front of his own swimsuit.
Then, he pulled a condom out of the pocket of his swimsuit, deftly opened the package and slipped it on. There was no dirty talk this time; my confession must have left him speechless. He tugged aside the crotch of my swimsuit again and pressed himself against me.
Our mouths found each other again as he lifted me against the wall, leveraging himself before sliding into me easily. I clung to his strong neck and shoulders as he moved against me, almost frenzied, driving himself relentlessly to orgasm. It would be quick, I could tell. He watched me with lust-glazed eyes. His fingers glided between us and he rubbed my clit. I came—hard—groaning into his mouth. Seconds later, he was coming too. He pushed his hips against me just a few more times as we came down from that high. It had been fast, intense and, like always, hot.
He held me there for a long time, pressed between his hard body and the slightly harder paneled wall behind me. I wanted him to stay inside me forever. I tightened my legs around his slim hips, but he slowly relaxed and pulled away.
We took a moment to clean up and right our clothing. Jordan tossed out the condom, congratulating himself for having the forethought to stuff one in his pocket, “just in case.”
He took a deep breath and then released it. “I’ve always been good at thinking ahead.”
I smiled, relaxed against the wall and watched him, my head tilting. Content, but also deeply sad. “For our last time ever, that was pretty amazing.”
He blinked. “Uh. What?”
I frowned. “I think it’s obvious why this can’t continue.”
“It’s not obvious to me.”
“It should be. The most important reason is because of what I just told you. I need to protect my heart. The sneaking around and having sex—it’s fun, but I can’t do it anymore.”
He scowled again and sighed, shaking his head. “You aren’t making this very easy for me.”
“You aren’t making it easy for me, either.”
He closed his eyes and then opened them. “Give me some time to think…to figure things out.”
Why did I have the feeling he was selling me a line? This feeling sank to the base of my throat, cold and hard. At the back of my head, alarm bells rang,
“Do you want to?” I asked anyway.
He nodded, and with a smile, bent to kiss me again. “I do.”
Despite those darker premonitions, a rush of happiness threatened to drown me so that I could hardly catch my next breath. I put my hands on his cheeks. “So do I.”
He pulled away, taking my hand and giving it a squeeze. “We’d better get back, in case someone’s looking for me. With my luck, it will be Adam with some new bug up his ass about something.”
I kissed him. “Then you go first, and I’ll wait a few minutes before I leave.”
He pushed my hair away from my face and kissed me again. Then he turned and was gone.
I waited a few minutes, using that time to will my heart to quiet, but it wouldn’t listen to me. I was on an adrenaline rush, and not just because of the amazing dressing-room sex. He wanted to try! He wanted to see if we could make something work.
I swallowed hard, trying not to feel the hopeful surge that that vision of the future placed in my brain—even though it was only a few weeks into the future. I wondered what going out on a normal date with Jordan would be like…would it be similar to those few idyllic days in Vancouver?
Five minutes later, I emerged from the dressing room and caught sight of the pool below through the huge line of floor-to-ceiling windows. The officers and my dad were gathered together in a group, and people were high-fiving and slapping each other on the back. I suspected they’d just announced the company’s market capitalization and opening share price to everyone. As I watched, Jordan and a couple of other big guys, including Adam’s handsome cousin, William, grabbed hold of Adam and carried him—under protest—to the edge of the pool. I laughed until a movement at the edge of my vision caught my attention.
Cari sidled up to me and watched, too, as Adam’s friends dumped him into the pool.
“There’s a whole pile of new millionaires down there,” I said to Cari with a nod, hoping our semi-silent truce would continue. I’d avoided her for weeks and hadn’t spoken to her alone since our confrontation in the hallway when she’d threatened to expose me. She had remained coolly polite since.
She laughed. “Too bad I’m still hung up on the biggest fish in that pond. He’s going to come out of that pool with a wet t-shirt. I should be down there to watch that. Too bad Mia didn’t get dumped in there. She’s wearing that ridiculous sundress, probably because she’s too ashamed to be seen in a bathing suit.”
I resisted the urge to shake my head. At this point, I just felt sorry for Cari. I turned to lead the way back to the pool when she grabbed my arm and stopped me. Her eyes were burning with something feverish. “I know what you were doing in that dressing room.”
I glanced back in the direction where I’d come from with more than a little guilt. But I wouldn’t let her see it. “Jordan needed some information about—”
“Don’t lie to me, April. You’re fucking him. I wondered how you got him to keep silent about your starring role in the sex video. Now I know, you slut. Screwing your way to the top, huh? I wonder if your daddy knows that.”
I yanked my arm out of her hold. “You’ve lost your mind,” I muttered in a strangled voice and then turned to go.
I had to listen to her poison on the way back to the pool, hoping the safety of the crowd would shut her up. “You wouldn’t help me get Mia out of the picture because you had a bigger fish to fry. Well, I have news for you. Jordan is using you. He uses women, and everybody knows it.”
I stopped and spun, getting in her face. “Leave me the hell alone with your nutball theories. There’s nothing you could have done to break up Adam and Mia, okay? They are in love, and they’re engaged. I don’t care what kind of sick obsession you have with him. It’s over and you lost.”
“You have a lot more to lose than I do, April.”
I moved away from her, my heart hammering against my ribs. She continued. “If you help me, I’ll shut up and I won’t say a word. We were going to untie the top of her sundress and show everyone how repulsive she is. You’re friendly with her. You can get close enough to do it easily and even make it look like an accident.”
I gasped and turned to her. We were at the top of the stairs, and no one could hear us over the din of the cheering and taunts leveled at the now sopping wet CEO. He waded out of the pool as Mia, laughing, handed him towels.
“I’m not doing any such thing and neither are you.”
Cari’s face was murderous as she clamped onto my hand and practically dragged me down the stairs. I lost my balance as I fought her hold, tripped and fell to my knees, stumbling after her. I slipped free from her grip just as we reached the bottom. The group of officers were mere feet away, and I could see what was coming so I turned to climb right back up the stairs. She reached out and grabbed the back of my swimsuit, and I felt it ripping down the back seam. I was halfway up the stairs before I realized I was exposed, and she was already shouting, “Adam, everyone, look! I found out who was in the sex video! Check out the tramp stamp on that tramp’s back.”
There was silence behind me and everyone gasped or mumbled. I hadn’t made it all the way up to freedom yet, but my ass was hanging out in the air for all to see. I spun to hide myself, mortified as I was to face them.
Everyone had frozen. Everyone was staring at me. This horrifying moment almost froze my heart.
I was like Hester Prynne, stuck on the scaffold, standing to face the jeering crowd with her innocent baby in her arms and that gleaming letter A for “adulteress.” The blood was rushing out of my head and I saw spots at the edge of my vision as if I was going to faint from the humiliation.
Apparently, I wasn’t that lucky.
Slowly, I took a step backward up the stairs, my hands on the railing. My eyes flew to find Jordan in the crowd. Adam was still dripping wet, staring at me with narrowed eyes. Some of the younger employees were laughing, including Charles. I couldn’t find Jordan, but my eyes landed on my dad. A sob escaped my lips when I saw the look on his face—utter humiliation.
Oh God. Oh God! Could this have been any worse? I was shamed in front of the company where I’d worked for nearly a year, and on top of that, my dad was here among them—among people he would be working with for years to come. My vision blurred and I stumbled on one of the steps, this time landing hard on my knee. I pushed to my feet again.
Someone wrapped a towel around my back. The person was taller than me. All my hopes gathered in one single thought—Jordan? I turned. No, not that tall. It was a woman. Short, dark hair. Mia.
She slid her arm around my shoulders and turned, guiding me up the stairs. Before we reached the top, I’d already completely broken down. However, even though I was blinded with tears, I still managed to see a scuffle at the base of the stairs.
“Slut-shaming bitch!” Katya yelled and was on Cari with a mean right hook. The huddle of men broke to pull the women off each other. A tall man bent to yank Katya away from Cari, rescuing her from Kat’s attack. I blinked a few times to see who it was—Jordan. He yelled at her to calm down.
And that was it, the final humiliation. Jordan didn’t come to my rescue. Didn’t stand up for me. Instead, he was saving Cari from Katya.
I couldn’t look away from him, but he never once looked toward me. Everyone was now watching the scuffle between the two women. Kat was still trying to break free from his hold, hurling insults at Cari, who was cowering behind some of the other guys in hopes of keeping her face intact.
He uses women. Everybody knows that.
Mia jostled my shoulders. “Come on, let’s go get you covered up.”
We went into the clubhouse and, ironically enough, Mia led us to the exact changing room where Jordan and I had just had sex a half an hour before. I’d walked out of there filled with hope and happiness, and now I was walking back in, disgraced and humiliated.
I slumped onto the bench, still bawling. “I’m s-sorry.”
She grabbed some tissue from the small vanity, handed it to me, and then looked around the room. “Where are your clothes? Did you put them in a locker?”
I handed her the key that I had pinned inside the bodice of my swimsuit. In the locker were my purse and the clothes I’d worn over my bathing suit when I’d arrived. Mia grabbed the key and told me she’d be right back with my stuff. Before she could step away, however, both my Dad and Adam could be heard outside the door. I whimpered.
Mia stepped out, closing the door a crack. “She’s not decent. I’m going to go get her things.”
I heard her footsteps as she walked away, and then I was privy to the heated words on the other side of the door. Dad was pissed. More pissed than I’d ever heard him. Adam sounded like he was trying to talk him off a ledge.
“I can’t begin to tell you how mortifying this is,” Dad said. “She should be fired immediately. I don’t want special exceptions because she’s my daughter.”
“I’m going to wait until she can talk to us and explain what happened.”
“April is going home with me. Now. But I expect you to terminate her. There’s no excuse for her behavior.”
“David, I appreciate where you’re coming from, but she is a grown woman and my employee, so I’m going to speak to her. This—”
“Excuse me,” Mia muttered, asking them to move out of the way so she could slide back into the dressing room. When she came in, her face was full of sympathy. She handed me my bag of belongings. Then, she bent down and whispered, “I’ll try to distract Adam so you can slip out. Not sure about your dad, though.”
I shook my head, slipping my shorts and tank top over my now ruined suit. “I came with him. He’s my ride.”
Mia bit her lip and looked off to the side, as if thinking.
“I can’t avoid him. But thank you for everything.”
She gave me a weak smile, and I grabbed my bag and then opened the door. The two men stopped talking. I stepped forward, relieved to see that no one else was here, just the two of them. I swallowed, avoiding my dad’s eyes as I turned to Adam. He was still soaked from being tossed in the pool, his hair, t-shirt and board shorts dripping wet.
“I’m sorry,” I began, “I wanted to tell you weeks ago, but…I was too scared. I’m really sorry for all the trouble I caused you and the company.”
Adam’s dark brow creased with concern. Just over his shoulder, I saw the glass door open. Jordan stood there, frozen in his tracks. We locked eyes for an endless moment, but he was too far away for me to read his face. My cheeks flushed hot with humiliation and I tore my gaze away from him. He approached as Adam continued. “April, who was in the video with you? Why was it posted?”
I tensed. “I can’t tell you that.”
“Can’t or won’t?” my father said, reaching up to grip my arm.
“It’s another employee, April. I do know that.” My gaze found Adam’s and his features were deadly serious now. “The badge was an employee’s, not an intern’s.”
I’d forgotten, for maybe about ten seconds, anyway, that Adam was a genius and probably recalled everything he’d ever seen or read. He remembered the color of the badge in the video and immediately concluded that it wasn’t mine.
Jordan now stood behind Adam. My eyes flashed over to his face, taking in his curiously blank features, before turning my attention back to Adam. I took a deep breath and then let it go. “I’m not going to tell you that. I’m sorry, but I can’t. As for why it was posted…it was my fault and it was an accident. I’ve regretted it ever since…” My voice faded out and I felt the tears blur my eyes again. Maybe Jordan would be offended by that, but at this point, I didn’t care. He’d offended me enough.
There was a long, tense silence. “April—” Adam began in a tight voice, but Jordan held out a hand.
“Adam, this isn’t the right time. We should deal with this later.”
Adam shook his head and ignored Jordan. “April, I can’t help you if you don’t cooperate. If you want to leave Draco on good terms, that’s still possible.”
Adam was offering me an ultimatum. If I ratted out my co-conspirator, I could still get my recommendation. I looked at Jordan again, but his eyes seemed to bounce off my gaze. He looked everywhere but straight at me.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Drake, Mr. Fawkes. Thank you for the opportunity to work with you at Draco, but I can’t…”
“Get in the car,” my dad said through his teeth in a voice full of disgust.
I felt like a deflated balloon. I gently pulled away from his hold, and he pressed his car keys into my hand. I did as he said. Behind me, I could hear him continuing his discussion with Adam, their voices fading as I made my way out of the building. I could also hear footsteps. Quick footsteps that sounded as if they were bearing down on me. I glanced over my shoulder to confirm whose they were.
Jordan was coming up behind me quickly, but I didn’t stop. I had to keep walking. I found the car, clicked it open and had the door handle in my hand when he hit the parking lot at a run. “April!” he called.
And, stupid me, I hesitated. He came up beside me but kept his distance—I was thankful for that. I pulled the door ajar and looked up at him. “You’d better not be out here when my dad gets done talking with Adam. It will blow all your efforts at CYA out of the water.”
He clenched his teeth. “I’m not out here to cover my ass. I want to see if you’re okay.”
I laughed at him. What a ridiculous thing to say. I may have been laughing, but at the same time, tears were rolling down my cheeks. I wanted to take back everything I’d ever said to him. I especially wanted to take back those three damning words that he didn’t deserve. I couldn’t, though, because it would be a lie. But right now, I was so angry and so disappointed in him. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t change what my heart wanted.
“April…” He put a hand on my arm and I wrenched it away from him, pulling the car door open wider so that it created a barrier between us.
“No, Jordan. Don’t do that. I’ll take your precious secret to the grave. No need to worry. We were just having sex. It’s over now.”
His face clouded. “That’s really not fair—”
“Not fair? Really? You’re going to tell me what’s not fair? You left me up there on the scaffold alone with that blazing scarlet letter for all to mock. You’re Dimmesdale, cowering in the shadows, wallowing in your shame. That’s not my problem, it’s yours. But don’t ever, ever tell me that I’m worth speaking up for myself. You just proved those words were empty. Because you didn’t speak up for me.”
His face paled then began to redden in anger. “I didn’t ask for that little encounter to be recorded and uploaded to the Internet. That’s all on you, April.”
I nodded. “You’re right. That is all on me. But twice—twice—I was going to go to Adam, tell him everything and make this right. Who stopped me both times? It didn’t have to come to this—it probably wouldn’t have. And now, because it wasn’t handled earlier, everything is ten times worse.” I took a long, painful breath. He was about to speak, but I cut him off. “And this time with everybody watching me, probably taking pictures with their phones. I’m sure my ass will be all over the Internet again. This time attached to my name. But hey, you got me back for what I did, didn’t you? You got your karma.”
His mouth fell open. “April—”
“Don’t say anything. Just turn around and walk away.” I couldn’t have said another word, anyway, because my breath was stolen in shattering sobs. He made a move toward me again but I backed away, holding up my hand.
Through my tears, I saw my dad exiting the building, striding toward the car like a man on a vendetta mission. I nodded my head in his direction and slipped into my seat, sinking into the plush leather. I slammed the car door shut after me. It was hot and stuffy inside, but I didn’t want to roll down the window. I wished I could curl up and die.
Jordan hesitated by my door for a few moments longer before drifting away. He crossed paths with my dad on his way back into the building. Dad hesitated for a few seconds, nodding at Jordan with a grim face, his eyes continually fixed on me.
Then Jordan continued to the building without looking back, and I dropped my eyes to the dashboard, folding my arms over my chest protectively. I tried to ignore the sting inside me that came with every beat of my heart.
Dad opened the door, slid into the driver’s seat and then slammed the door shut after him. Coolly, I handed him his keys, leaned away from him and stared out the window. He started the car and, without speaking, headed toward the 5 freeway, which would take us back to his house and my car.
However, before he even made it onto the interstate, he pulled over into a strip mall parking lot and turned off the ignition. I didn’t look up from where I fiddled with my phone. I’d checked social media and already tweets were starting to appear under the hashtags #ComicConSexGeeks and #assexposed. My name and handle were all over them, along with pictures of my backside in the torn bathing suit.
There were no personal texts on my phone. I was already wishing one would show up. One with two little words, the words he hadn’t said to me. I’m sorry…
Dad waited for a moment, taking a deep breath. Throughout my childhood, the only time I’d ever heard him yell was at people who worked for him. He’d never yelled at me before, even those times when I wished he had rather than not acknowledge me at all.
But he couldn’t just shove me away now. I was the daughter who had publicly disgraced him in front of everyone involved in his exciting new business venture.
“Put your phone away for a minute,” he said in a quiet voice.
I held my breath and did as he asked.
“I’m going to be blunt. I’m too angry to get on the freeway right now.”
“Do you want me to drive, then?”
“I want you to tell me what the hell was in your head. Why would you do something like this and risk blowing your entire future?”
I straightened, squaring my shoulders, digging deep within myself to find the strength to say the words burning on my tongue. I looked him straight in the eye as I spoke.
“I made a very bad choice. If you can say you’ve never done the same, then you get the right to judge me for it. But you can’t, because I’m living proof of one of the worst choices you’ve ever made.”
He scowled. “So you are going to make this about me and your mother? I’ve heard this song and dance before…but you aren’t a teenager anymore. You’re twenty-two years old. You need to grow up.”
“You’re right. I do. But…isn’t that what growing up is all about? Making mistakes and learning from them? Isn’t that how you learned?”
He ran a hand over his eyes and I noticed he was a little pale. There was a long, tense silence. His phone chimed and he pulled it out, read the text message—likely from Rebekah—and typed something into it. Then he put his phone down.
“You know what hurts me most about this? Beyond any of the embarrassment, it’s the fact that you’re sabotaging yourself and your future. You’re in danger of throwing your life away. You’re an intelligent, beautiful woman. You really shouldn’t be blaming your poor choices on your parents.”
I nodded. “My choices are mine to own…” Then my voice died out and tears sprang to my eyes. I took a deep breath and released it. Even my throat stung. “It’s easy to throw things away when you don’t think they’re very valuable in the first place.”
His face clouded. I blinked, trying to keep my tears from spilling over.
“Why would you think that?”
I looked up at him. “You tell me.”
His gaze intensified and he rubbed a hand along his jaw. I knew he didn’t know what to say to me.
“It’s okay. You’ve got your perfect family waiting for you at home. You don’t need to worry about me anymore.”
He hissed out a breath like I’d just punched him in the stomach. I looked away, and a lone tear spilled down my cheek. “What do I need to do to show you that I love you, April? I love you every bit as much as Sarah and Daniel. I don’t get where this is coming from. I pay—”
“I don’t want your bank account. I want you. Ever since I was a kid, you were never there for me. You always pawned me off on someone else. Oma or the nanny or my mom, and eventually, Rebekah. But never what I needed. Never you.”
He looked stunned. “I didn’t think I could give you what you needed. I thought a woman—”
“You thought I wouldn’t want you because my mom didn’t.” My fists closed, knotting with the frustration that I felt.
He grimaced. “Your mother and I were a disaster. I never, ever wanted any of that to affect you.”
The tears were now flowing freely down my cheeks. How could he be so smart and yet so clueless about the people who loved him most? “But it did, Daddy. Because neither one of you wanted me.”
Alarm crossed his features and he shook his head. “How could you think that? I’ve never said—”
My lip trembled, and now I just didn’t care if he saw me lose it. I’d found the courage to speak up to my mom. Now it was time to do the same with my dad. Only this was scarier, because I cared far more about losing any relationship I had with my dad than the nominal one I’d had with my mom.
“I tried to call you…” I began faintly.
“When?”
“I was in San Diego at Comic-Con. She called me from Vegas to tell me she’d just married Gunnar.”
His features chilled. I’d ended up having to inform him about Gunnar and my mom via email a few weeks later. He hadn’t said much. My dad didn’t often discuss my mother, likely for fear that he would say something negative about her to me.
“I got your assistant and you never called back.”
“I’m sorry. I told you in the email. I didn’t realize how urgent the message was. I’m not perfect, April.”
“You’re not there. Period.” I shook my head, continuing on. “I needed to talk to someone who would understand. Anyone. Because you don’t have to put up with her shit anymore, Dad. I do.”
He held up a helpless hand. “There is nothing I can do that can change that.”
“Yes, there is. You can be there for me.”
I sighed, feeling defeated. I didn’t want to talk about this anymore. I just wanted him to turn on the ignition and drive. It hurt too much—and like always, I was afraid if I told him how I really felt, I’d lose whatever love he had for me, such as it was.
“You’ve never told me any of this before.”
I wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand. “I was afraid to.”
He frowned. “I didn’t raise you to think like that—”
“You didn’t raise me,” I said, my voice low in my throat. My dad flinched, but he said nothing. “Neither did she, and I finally stood up to her. It’s time I did the same with you.”
“So this is what it’s come down to? Some cliché? The slutty girl with daddy issues—”
I held up my hand. “Stop right there. I’m not a slut and I am not ashamed of myself. I made a bad decision—but that has nothing to do with my having sex. If I were your son, you’d be congratulating me for that.”
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, rubbing them with his thumb and forefinger through his lids. “I’m sorry,” he said in a voice thick with emotion—more emotion than I’d ever heard from him. “I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
“I’m sorry too…I’m sorry you’re ashamed of me. But I’m not ashamed of me, and that is what’s most important. Not what you think. Not what Rebekah thinks. And definitely not what my mother thinks.”
He opened his eyes and dropped his hand, then looked at me with that hard stare I’d seen him use in business deals when he was going for the jugular.
“I’m not ashamed of you. This situation, however, has humiliated me. I’m not going to lie about that.”
I lowered my eyes and ran my hands over the upholstery of my seat, picking at it nervously. I’d spoken up for myself—finally. But it didn’t feel as freeing as it had with my mom.
“If I could change that, I would. But I’ve been going through a pretty rough period in my life, and I had no one to turn to.”
He shook his head. “I’m sorry you couldn’t get a hold of me. As for your mother—”
“She came to the condo last month. Just showed up out of the blue, sitting in my front room with her boy toy, asking me for money, drunk off her ass.” I wiped my wet cheeks with the back of my trembling hand.
He nodded, swallowing, apparently too overwrought to talk. We sat there in silence before he cleared his throat. “Has she bothered you since then?”
I pressed my lips together and shook my head, certain he wouldn’t be pleased with the news I was about to give him. “I cut her out of my life, Dad. I had to. I told her I would block her texts and calls. It’s a long story, but if she shows up again, I’ll get a restraining order.”
He took a deep breath and let it out. “That doesn’t make me happy, April. But it’s not your fault that it came to this. You were right to do it. I just…I hope someday you can forgive. Her…and me.”
I couldn’t say anything in response. My face lowered and the tears came faster, and I had no idea what to say even if I could even talk. Everything just felt so raw and sore. Every breath stabbed me a little deeper.
When I’d stood up to my mom, it had been easier. Jordan had believed in me—he’d told me I had the courage to do what I needed to do. To cut her out of my life. He certainly could talk a good talk when he wasn’t the one in the line of fire. The enormity of the loss of him felt like a hole ripped in my chest. I almost couldn’t breathe.
Dad sat quietly for a long stretch, staring out the window.
I cleared my throat to speak again. “I—I’m sorry you’re hurt. I’m sorry you’re humiliated. But your feelings are not more important than mine. And I’ve learned that lesson. That I need to speak up for myself.”
He didn’t react for a minute, then looked at me with wary eyes. “Are you going to cut me out too? Like you did with your mother?”
“No.”
His face slackened with relief and that reaction did something to me—showed me that he did care. He blinked quickly and then looked away, and I could tell that he was trying not to break down. Seeing my normally stoic dad showing even a hint of emotion cut deep—soul deep. But underneath all that pain was a spark of hope, a glimmer of happiness. My dad loved me enough to break down at the thought of my never wanting to speak to him again. And until this moment, I’d never known that.
He quickly took control of his emotions, though, clearing his throat a few times and sniffing before turning back to the wheel. “We should—uh—Rebekah will be wondering where we are.”
He started the car and I leaned against the window, closing my eyes. I tried not to think about this day, tried to close my mind off to the hurt and humiliation. Tried not to envision those faces all staring at me in shock and disgust as I stood on the stairs, fully exposed. It was like a combination of all the worst naked dreams I’d ever had increased exponentially. It was hard to breathe and the occasional tear spilled over onto my cheek through my closed eyes.
A half hour into the drive home, as I faded in and out of consciousness, emotionally exhausted, I felt my dad’s hand close over my own where it sat on the console between us. My fingers grasped his and clamped on for dear life. His hold tightened on mine. It was the smallest gesture, but in that moment, we’d communicated more than we had in years.
We arrived at my dad’s place after dinner, and Rebekah was getting the kids ready for bed while I gathered up my stuff from my overnight stay and prepared to leave. She’d seen my face—blotchy skin and swollen eyes—but hadn’t asked questions. But as I packed up, she wandered into the guest room with some containers.
“I packed some dinner for you. There’s enough for a few days. I know you like my vegetable frittata.”
I sniffed and took her offering, tucking it alongside my bag. “Thanks.”
“Are you okay?”
I nodded but didn’t say anything. Rebekah’s features sobered as she studied me. She was a pretty woman in her mid-thirties with short, dark hair and brown eyes, and she was about my height. If I were ever to go out into public with both my mom and stepmom—God forbid that ever really happen—people would be more likely to think Rebekah was my biological mother. Which was apropos, really. Rebekah had been more of a mother to me than Jennifer ever could be.
“Come down again soon, please? We like seeing you.”
I nodded again, my eyes stinging with fresh tears. Rebekah moved forward and—a little awkwardly, because she usually wasn’t the hugging type—put her arms around me.
“We care about you, April. I don’t know what’s going on with you and your dad and I’m going to respect your privacy, but…just remember you’ve got family here, okay? We love you.”
I pressed my hand to Rebekah’s back and returned the hug, grateful for her care and concern—and especially her willingness to respect my privacy. “Thank you. Thanks for everything. I know I don’t say that much. But thanks.”
Dad walked me out and put my bag in the car for me. As I bent to slide into the driver’s seat, he stopped me with a hand on my arm. “April…I just want you to know that I do love you and I do care. I’m sorry I’ve done a poor job of showing you before this.”
“You did the best job you could,” I said, clearing my throat. “Just like I did the best job I could. But it wasn’t good enough.”
“Then we have to do better.”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
Slowly, as if fearing I’d pull away, he bent and kissed my cheek. “I’m going to be up in Orange County again next week. I want us to spend some time together if you can fit me in.”
“I appear to have a lot of free time,” I whispered, remembering his words to Adam, insisting he terminate me from the company. It didn’t matter. After that utter humiliation, I wouldn’t go back of my own free will anyway.
I got in the car and drove the two hours home, all the while thinking about this new shift in my relationship with my dad—and even Rebekah. And though the day had been completely mortifying, I couldn’t help but think about the radical change in me. I’d stood up for myself—to Adam and to my dad. And to Jordan. And though I’d royally fucked things up, I was also proud of myself. I felt strong.
But I also felt empty. I’d checked my phone before I started the car—no texts or calls from Jordan. What had I expected? I forced myself not to think about him all the way home.
More often than not, I failed.
It was just before Sid’s bedtime when I arrived at our condo. She was dressed in her flannel pajamas while playing Dragon Epoch on her computer. Just the glimpse of the game’s graphics on her screen was enough to make me feel nauseous. I walked into our room, tossed my bags down and flopped onto my bed. I was tempted to just roll over and go to sleep like that.
Sid turned around and looked at me. “You look awful.”
I rolled my eyes. “Thanks. It’s been a crap day, to put it mildly.”
She frowned. “I, um, heard. Or saw, rather. I was waiting to hear from you. I would have texted, but…I wasn’t sure what state you were in.”
My lids closed over sore, aching eyes. Of course she’d heard—her and half the universe. I hadn’t even checked since this afternoon to see how the story had undoubtedly grown and mutated across the Internet. I was bloody chum in the dark, shark-infested waters of social media.
“So, uh, I pieced together what happened based on tweets and updates. Does this mean you aren’t going to business school?”
I chewed on my bottom lip, covering my face with my hands. I didn’t have an answer for that.
She shifted in her chair, which squeaked loudly. “I’m not sure if this is the right time to bring it up, but…I figured out how the video got uploaded.”
I turned to her. “How?”
“Well, all this time I’d been trying to scour the Internet for the earliest known source of the video. But that was a crazy way to go about it, because when something like that goes viral so fast, it’s almost impossible. It was all over Tumblr and Reddit and 4Chan and Facebook and—”
I held up my hand to cut off her dizzying litany. “All right. All right, I get it.”
“Anyway, I didn’t realize that I could go to the source and trace it from the weapon itself!”
“Huh?”
“Your phone, Apes. I logged into the cloud backup of your phone, since you gave me the password. And it allowed me to see everything you did with that phone from the moment you made the video to the next day when you emailed said video to this address.” She snatched a sticky note off her desk and handed it to me. On it was a cryptic email address to a generic, free email provider.
“I never emailed the video. I’d remember that. And I don’t even know how I could have done that by accident.”
“Because you didn’t do it. Think…did anyone else have access to your phone that weekend? You said no, but…”
I tilted my head, thinking. “Well, I was showing some pictures I’d taken of the Iron Man panel. I’d gotten a front row center view of Robert Downey Jr. and snapped a bunch of pics of him. The girls wanted to see.”
“Okay...so you held the phone while they looked at the pics?”
I searched my memory. We’d been in the back of a carpool van riding home from the Con. The girls had been oohing and ahhing about how hot RDJ was. “Well, you know, I handed the phone around...”
Her eyes narrowed. “And the video was in that same group of photos?”
“I guess…I took tons of pictures that weekend.” I frowned, trying to remember. “Hell, I was so hungover all weekend, I don’t even know if I could remember my name. But my phone locks with my thumbprint. No one had access to it.”
Sid raised her dark brows. “You are way too trusting of your friends, April. Because someone did find that video and emailed it to themselves from your phone.”
My eyes squeezed shut as I froze in panic. “Oh shit. I remember now…Cari wanted to see the photos again. She took the phone out of my hand. But she only had it for like a minute or two.”
Sid nodded to the piece of paper she handed me. “That email is an anonymous address, but it’s attached to a Twitter and a Tumblr account. I did some Googling, some cross-referencing. It wasn’t easy because she covered her tracks as much as she could, but…the accounts are linked to Cari MacFerson’s social media. In that two minutes that she had your phone in her hands, she emailed the video to herself from your phone. When she got home, she downloaded it to her computer and then uploaded it to the Internet. After it had been shared around, she deleted the original copy. But by then, it had gone viral.”
Shock made it hard to breathe, freezing my insides cold. “Fucking bitch.”
“Yeah…that. I’m not even going to argue with your potty mouth.”
I couldn’t sleep that night. I was exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally, yet I still couldn’t sleep. And it wasn’t because of the tumultuous revelations between my dad and me. It wasn’t even because of my pure blinding range toward Cari.
It was over him.
The way that Jordan had so callously brushed aside what had happened between us. I didn’t ask for that little encounter to be recorded and uploaded to the Internet. That’s all on you.
It was all on me. It was true. But I’d expected something from him. Something more. And maybe that hadn’t been fair, either.
Just because I loved him didn’t mean those feelings were reciprocated, no matter how much I wanted them to be. I’d told him how I felt. In return, he’d pushed me against the wall and had his way with me. And I’d let him.
It was just sex. He’d told me that over and over again. Why had my stupid heart not listened? Stupid, stupid April. You’ve fucked up. Yet again. And you can’t even blame alcohol for this one.
But somewhere, deep inside, I knew that this, too, would pass. Broken hearts would mend. Sure, it hurt like hell now and I’d need time and distance. Come to think of it, taking a trip to Israel didn’t sound so bad right about now. I drifted off to sleep for about an hour or two before dawn with the image of myself standing before the Wailing Wall, atoning for my sins. Maybe Rebekah was right. Maybe I did need to find out more about that part of myself. Maybe the blessing in return would be a healed heart.
And then I could turn my back on all of this and forget.