I’m lying in bed long after the game has finished, staring up at the ceiling. I keep thinking about the game over and over again. I think of Ryan’s face throughout it all as the crowd taunted him about me, how that must have made him feel, the anger I could see on his face. I make a snap decision, one I promised myself I wouldn’t make, and sit up and pull some clothes on. I grab my keys and quietly exit the apartment, hoping not to wake Tina. I get in my car, and within ten minutes, I’m pulling into the parking lot of the hotel where I know the Cal State team is staying. It’s the same hotel they always stay in, only Ryan’s never stayed here before. He’s always stayed at my place, and I would drive him over in the morning to drop him off so he could start his journey home.
I park under a streetlight where I can see the entrance of the hotel, and I look down at my phone, debating what to do. I can’t call him. He’s blocked my number, and he may have another one by now. I debate sending him a message over Facebook or Twitter, but I doubt he’d answer it. I could always call Jake and tell him I’m here, but I know he’ll just tell me to go home. I have a feeling they’ll have been partying hard; you could see the adrenalin running through the team and the euphoria on their faces when they beat Southern U. They did that for Ryan, and I know they’ll be celebrating with him long into the night. I dread to think how they’re all blowing off steam. I even consider walking in and asking the person at the desk to call up for him to see me, but I doubt they’ll do it. They’ll just mistake me for another groupie and tell me to leave. He might still be out at a bar; they might not have moved back to the hotel yet. So, in the end, I just sit there. After an hour, I realize it’s pointless and I should probably leave, but something stops me. Knowing he’s so close to me, knowing we’re in the same town makes me stay in the car and not drive back to my apartment.
When I’ve been parked there for almost two hours, my eyes start to get heavy. I’m just about to drift off to sleep when I hear a high-pitched giggle in the darkness and some male voices shouting loudly. I turn my head and see a big group approaching the entrance to the hotel, and my breath catches when I see he’s with them. He’s surrounded, as always. Jason’s shaking his shoulder and talking in his ear while Marty nods in agreement. Jake’s with them too, but he’s farther back in the group, talking to some girls who are with them. That’s where Evan Priestly and Arthur Henry are too, with the girls.
They stop as a group outside the hotel and continue the conversation. Ryan’s facing me, but his head’s down as he focuses on whatever Jason is saying. They’re loud, they’re energetic, they’re fun, and they look like they’ve had the best night of their lives. I can’t tear my eyes away from them. One of the girls reaches for Arthur, and they’re soon full-on making out like no one’s watching. Then they disappear inside the hotel to catcalls and whistles. Some of the other girls attach themselves to the other players, but to my relief, Ryan just keeps listening to whatever Jason’s saying to him and nodding in agreement.
I still don’t know what to do, how to get his attention, but to be honest, in this moment, just seeing him relaxed and at ease with his friends is enough for me. Seeing him again does something to me after all the trauma of today. It gives me a certain sense of calm.
He says something back to Jason, and that’s when he lifts his head. I know the exact moment he sees me, because his entire posture tenses up. I see his eyes drop slightly, and I know he’s looking at my car plate to check that it’s mine. His eyes come back up to my face, and I know he knows it’s me. I can tell by the hard stance that’s come over his body and the light that’s left his face. Jason looks confused and follows his gaze, and I know he sees me too. I’m under a streetlight, visible to them. The disgust Jason has for me is written all over his face.
Ryan watches me for another minute and then reaches out and tugs one of the girls over to his side, never taking his eyes off me, and that’s when the first sob comes out of my mouth. The second comes after I see him acknowledge my cry, nod at me like he’s achieved his goal, and then bend his head down to kiss her. Regardless of the fact that he was with Kelly the last time I saw him, despite the fact that this girl seemed to be totally separate from him a couple minutes ago and was talking to one of his teammates, he kisses her like he’s stuck in a desert and she’s the water he needs to survive. This garners the group’s attention, and I can hear them laughing and looking at them in surprise, egging them on. The girl has no objections, and she wraps her arms around his neck and grinds herself into his body. After what feels like forever, he pulls away and looks back at me, like he wants clarification that I saw that, like he wants to know how much that hurt me. I’m sure one look at my face tells him exactly how much it hurt as tears stream freely down my cheeks. He then turns and leads her into the hotel.
My heart feels like it’s breaking all over again. I never, ever thought he’d be so cruel. I never thought he’d hate me enough to do that to me. Not when I’ve sought him out, not after all this time. It’s like our entire history—not just our relationship, but our entire friendship together—meant absolutely nothing to him.
The sliding doors close behind him, and I know that’s it. I know he’ll never give me another chance. I know we’re done. There’s no point in hoping anymore. It finally hits home that Ryan completely despises me. To him, I’m nothing. He wants nothing from me anymore. I don’t even tell myself he’s behaving like this because of today, because of the reaction of the Southern U fans and the humiliation he felt. No, I know Ryan wants nothing at all to do with me. I close my eyes as the realization hits and the despair overwhelms me. When I finally have the strength to open them again, I see that his friends and his teammates haven’t moved; they’re just watching me try not to fall apart. I wonder if they’re thinking I’m going to get out of my car and march over there and cause a huge scene. I won’t do that—I genuinely don’t think my shaking legs would allow me to do that.
I watch them watch me, a mixture of wariness, contempt, and disgust on their faces. These people who, only two months ago, laughed and joked with me over lunch now look at me like I’m something they’ve stepped in, and I don’t even blame them. I know their loyalty lies with Ryan, and they see this as me getting what I deserve for what they believe I did to him. I see a movement and I see Jake take a step toward me, and then another, but I just shake my head at him. I don’t need to hear anything from him right now. I get it. I get the message from Ryan loud and clear, and I turn the key in the ignition and drive out of the parking lot. I drive away from them all, away from Ryan.