I reach forward and accept the cup of coffee my dad has passed to me, not because I want it, but because I know that making it has made him feel useful, and if I don’t drink it, he’ll just need to find some other way to try to help me. He’s already changed a bunch of lightbulbs and erected a few shelves, putting them together in the corner. It’s stuff that didn’t really need doing, but it keeps him busy and makes him feel better, so I let him do it. He watches me take a sip and then resumes the pacing he was doing before. I turn to my mom, and she offers me a tight smile and reaches out to rub my back. She’s barely moved from my side since they arrived here; I swear she’d follow me to the bathroom if I’d let her. They don’t know what to do, and I don’t blame them. There’s really nothing that they can do.
My mom’s legal knowledge has been useful. After speaking to the policemen at the station, she’s been able to find out that Robbie’s been pulled in for questioning again, but she’s warned me that he’ll probably make bail again. She’s told me it’s going to be hard, and that it’s really tough to get a conviction for rape, but when my belief faltered and I suggested that maybe I should drop it, her response was instant. She told me they will fight for as long as it takes and do whatever it takes to put Robbie Mulligan behind bars. She told me I couldn’t risk him trying to do this again in the future, and said he deserves to pay for what he’s done. She’s right. He can’t get away with this anymore, and I haven’t backed down. I haven’t withdrawn the charges, and I’m not going to. I’m going to see him in court, and I’m going to tell the jury exactly what happened.
Mason showed up at my apartment earlier; he had Bernie with him, and to my surprise, Liam was with them as well. Mason hugged me so tightly I thought I was going to get bruises, and then he sat down next to me and told me it was all going to be okay. He told me he believed me and is willing to tell anyone who asks him that he believes me. Bernie nodded his agreement, and I wanted to cry with relief. I know it won’t be this easy with everyone, and I know a lot of Robbie’s teammates will stand behind him and call me a liar, but it means a lot that it’s not all of them. It means a lot that they’re willing to stand by me and that I’m not alone.
Then Liam shocked me to the core by telling me he made a statement to the police about what he saw that night. I listened, astonished as he told me he thought something bad had happened when he saw me on the stairs. I swear he choked back tears as he relayed how guilty he felt that he hadn’t gotten there sooner, that maybe he could have helped me. That’s when I remembered bumping into him on the stairs. I’ve spent so long trying to block out that whole night and pretend it never happened, I’d forgotten I’d seen him. He had no doubts I was telling the truth, and he’d told the police that. He’d checked back on all the pictures from that night and had spotted a picture of Robbie with a scratch down his face. He reported it to the police and showed them pictures of him earlier in the night when he didn’t have the scratch. Bernie said some of the guys had mentioned it the next morning when they saw him at a team meeting, but because Ryan showed up then and pulverized his face, the scratch had disappeared amongst all the other cuts and bruises and had been forgotten. Hopefully, they could use it as evidence against him. I glanced over at my mom at this, and she sat up straighter. I knew it wasn’t proof, but this would help. It would show that I tried to fight him off. Coupled with Liam’s testimony, it has to help. Maybe, along with Grace’s story, we’ll have a better chance than we thought.
My mom’s already arranged a lawyer for me. One of her law school friends is a partner at one of the biggest firms in town, and Mom’s stayed in touch with him over the years. In fact, Mom told me that Robbie’s family contacted them, requesting that he defend Robbie, but he refused out of principle. Then he took on my case. I know it’s only a small win, but the fact that Robbie’s had to get his second choice attorney feels like a victory, and I’m taking it as one.
There’s a knock on the door of the apartment, and Tina rises from her seat across from me and goes to answer it.
Tina turns back to the room and looks at me. She’s not fully opened the door, so I can’t see who’s there.
“It’s Ryan,” she tells me quietly. “And Jake.”
“No.” My dad’s response is instant, and he marches over to the door, opens it wider, and tells them both to get the hell away from me.
I turn to my mom in panic. She stands swiftly and pulls him away from the door, back toward the kitchen area. Tina glances at me questioningly, and I nod my head. She opens the door wider and steps aside. They both step in, Jake looking nervously toward my dad, and Ryan instantly finding my gaze. He looks like a shell of the Ryan I know. His eyes have black bags beneath them, his hair’s disheveled, and his complexion’s gray. Jake steps toward me quickly and grabs me in a fierce hug, wrapping his arms tightly around me. After a second, I return his hug, cautiously wrapping my own arms around him. His mouth finds my ear. “I am so, so, so fucking sorry, Becca,” he whispers fiercely in my ear. “I promise I will make this up to you, and I promise you’ll be okay.”
I nod my head against his body, and I know I will be. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I will be okay.
He gives me one last tight squeeze before releasing me and stepping back. He gives me a tense smile and then moves away so it’s just Ryan standing in front of me. I look at him as he stares back at me, and it hurts to see him like this. He looks like hell, like he hasn’t slept in days. He looks completely and utterly broken, just like I did a year ago.
I turn to Tina and my parents and Jake, who are to the side, watching us. “Do you think you guys could give us a bit of space?”
“No.” My dad’s voice is hard, and he’s staring daggers at Ryan. “I’m not leaving you alone with him.”
“Dad,” I admonish him quietly. “Come on, this is Ryan we’re talking about.”
“Yeah,” my dad says sharply. “And where was he a year ago when you needed him?”
“I know, sir.” Ryan’s voice cracks slightly at the words, but he doesn’t look at my dad. He doesn’t look away from me.
I turn to my parents, and my mom tugs on my dad’s arm. When he dips down to speak to her, she whispers something in his ear. He frowns, but she keeps talking, and when he eventually looks back up, I know she’s convinced him. “Thirty minutes,” he tells Ryan, who eventually turns to face him. “I’ll be back here in thirty minutes, and I swear to God, if you’ve upset her, I will strangle you with my own bare hands.”
I roll my eyes at his words and watch as Tina grabs her things and then leads my parents out the door, with Jake following behind them.
“Ignore him,” I tell Ryan. I suddenly feel nervous being in the same room as him, and I glance away. “He’s just being protective. They’re pretty upset.”
“I deserve it.”
I swallow hard. There’s no point in pretending I don’t know why he’s here. “Who told you?”
He blinks. “Jake. Mason called him.”
I nod and try to force a smile. Ryan’s lips start to tremble. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I am so, so sorry.”
I don’t know what to say. What can you say to the boy you’re in love with when he’s just realized you’ve been raped? When he’s spent a year treating you like crap, and now realizes you didn’t do anything wrong, realizes it’s you who was the victim?
He rakes his hand over his face, and a heartbreaking sob forces its way from his throat. He steps toward me, his clear blue eyes filled with pain, and he throws his hands up in despair. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
I shrug my shoulders helplessly. “I tried.” My voice is a whisper. “But you ran off. Then I tried calling you, and you blocked my number. I came to see you…”
He sucks in a breath like I’ve physically punched him and closes his eyes like he’s in actual pain. When he reopens them, his eyes are full of tears.
“I hate myself,” he tells me. “I will never, ever forgive myself.”
I shake my head. “Ryan, don’t. It wasn’t you that did this to me.”
“I swear to God I’m going to kill him,” he tells me fiercely, blind rage taking over his features. “I’m going to fucking kill him.”
“No, Ryan. It’s with the police. We need to let them deal with it.”
His hands clench into fists at his sides. “I need to do something, Becca.”
I look at him, taking in the helplessness and desperation radiating off him, and I shrug my shoulders. “You could give me a hug,” I whisper.
His eyes flash to mine, and within a second, he’s in front of me, crushing my body into his, wrapping his arms around me so tightly. There’s no doubt he’s there and he cares. He hauls me against him and buries his head in my neck, telling me over and over again that it’s going to be okay, that he loves me, and that he’s sorry, and I hug him back, letting myself melt into him, just the way I’ve wanted to all along.
“Remember the night we got together?” I ask. I’m curled up next to him on the sofa with my head on his shoulder. It feels like a dream being this close to him again. He’s gripping my hand tightly, like he’s scared I’ll let go.
He nods, and a smile ghosts across his face. “I’ll never forget it. It was the best night of my life.”
I flash a genuine smile at his words, and lift my head to look at him. It was the best night of my life too. “Who’d have thought that four years later, this is where we’d be.”
“I love you,” he tells me, holding my gaze. “I never stopped. Even when I wanted to, I couldn’t stop loving you.”
I smile at his words. “I love you too, Ryan.” And I do. I doubt there’ll ever be a time when I don’t love him.
He closes his eyes for a second, like it’s painful for him to think it, and then he opens them again and leans forward, his forehead touching mine. “I know I don’t deserve it. I know you won’t be able to forgive me, but I promise I’ll make it up to you. I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you.”
“Ryan—”
“I mean it, Becca. You will never understand how much I hate myself. I am so sorry.”
I’m about to tell him it’s okay, that it was Mulligan who did this and not him. That I understand that he was hurt, and that’s the reason he behaved how he did—but the truth is, it’s not okay.
“You know, Ryan, if I’d have gotten those pictures of you with another girl, I would have been pissed off too. I’d have been hurt and I’d have been furious, and I probably would have jumped to the exact same conclusion you did. And yeah, I would probably scream and shout at you too.” I swallow hard because I need to say this. “But I wouldn’t have not listened to you. I wouldn’t have blocked your number. I wouldn’t have refused to talk to you. I wouldn’t have had sex with another guy that you can’t stand just to hurt you, and I wouldn’t have told you to go away and said I never wanted to speak to you again when you walked into the room and stood there in the doorway, completely broken after seeing me in bed with someone else. I wouldn’t have splashed pictures of myself with different guys all over social media so you could see how much better I am without you.” My voice has started trembling now, all the heartache and hurt of the last year overwhelming me. “And I wouldn’t have taken my new boyfriend to a mutual friend’s house and then not stopped him when he called you a whore.” I take a deep breath and watch him as he tries to battle his emotions. He sits there and takes what I have to say, because he knows it’s the truth, and he knows that what he did is unforgivable. “I wouldn’t have done those things, Ryan. I would have thought that that wasn’t you in the photos. I would have thought that maybe there was some explanation I was missing, or I would have at least asked how it had happened, because I’d know how much our relationship meant, how much I loved you and you loved me. I’d want to know why it happened, not just wipe you out of my life.”
He’s crying now. Big, fat tears are sliding down his face, and he doesn’t attempt to wipe them away. “I’m so sorry, Becca.” His words are barely above a whisper.
“It’s not okay, Ryan.”
He nods. “I know.”
“You get that we can’t be together again, don’t you? That we can never be together again.”
A loud sob echoes from his throat, and I realize for the first time that I’m crying too. Because it’s the truth. We can’t ever be together again. This horrible, horrible thing has happened to me, and it can never be unchanged. The events of the last year can never be taken back. I’ll never be able to wipe away the memories, and Ryan and I will never be together again.
“I love you,” he whispers.
“It’s not enough, Ryan. It’s just not enough,” I say quietly, repeating the words he told me over the summer.
He starts shaking next to me, his sobs becoming hysterical, although he barely makes a noise. I reach out and pull him into me, wrapping my arms around him and hugging him tightly. “Sssh,” I tell him, trying to soothe him. I squeeze him tightly and try to make him feel better, just as he should have done for me a year ago.