The doorbell rings, and I put down the box of Chinese food I’m forcing down. I went a little overboard when ordering dinner, and though I’ve eaten way more in the last couple days than I have in months, there’s still no way I can get through the mountain of food I’ve ordered. I wipe my mouth and hurry to the door, skidding on the wooden floors as I reach the doorknob and throw it open.
Ryan stands in front of me, and I freeze. My mouth is open, but nothing comes out.
“Hey,” he says, awkwardly shifting on his feet. His eyes dart to my face and then look away again.
“Hey.” I finally manage to breathe. What is he doing here? Why would he be here?
Neither of us says anything for at least a minute as we just stand there, watching each other.
Finally Ryan clears his throat. “Um, can I come in?”
I nod my head immediately, stepping back and letting him through the door. My heart’s started hammering in my chest, and when he brushes past me and makes contact just for the briefest of seconds, I feel like I’m going to pass out. I need to calm down. This doesn’t mean anything.
He starts to make his way down the hallway but then pauses as though he’s unsure what to do. My heart aches at this. There was a time when my house was like his, and he’d move freely around without a second thought. Seeing him stand in the hallway, unsure about where to go, hurts more than I thought it would. I nod my head toward the kitchen and walk past him, leading the way. I hover by the stool I was eating at while he stands in the doorway, glancing around. He’s bigger than I remember, taller somehow. Maybe it’s because I don’t ever let myself stand close enough to any guys anymore to notice the difference, but he feels so much bigger than me, he looks even more ripped than he used to be, and it makes me wonder exactly how hard he’s been working out over the summer. The white t-shirt he wears clings to his abs and shows off his tan. The sweatpants he’s thrown on sit low on his hips and the muscles in his arms are tense as he clutches the baseball cap he’s had since high school. His hair is all messed up, the way it gets when he’s been thinking about something and has been raking his hands through it.
“Are your parents in?” he eventually asks.
I shake my head. “My mom has a work dinner and my dad went with her.”
He nods. “You’ve changed your hair from the other night.”
My hand flies to my hair automatically, feeling self-conscious. “Yeah.” I pause. “I figured it was time for a change.”
He nods and glances away. He’s still kind of hovering in the doorway, and it’s so uncomfortable, it’s painful. “Do you want to sit down?” I eventually ask.
He glances back at me and offers me a wry smile before walking over and sitting on the stool across from me at the counter. His eyes briefly meet mine, and it takes my breath away. He’s always had the most beautiful eyes. Back when I was dumb and naive and thought nothing could ever break us up, I remember telling him I hoped our kids had his eye color. He just laughed and told me he hoped if we had a girl, she’d look nothing like me, or he was going to lock her up for thirty years.
He still doesn’t say anything, and I’m so scared he’s just going to leave again that I blurt out, “I thought you’d gone to training camp.” There’s no point in pretending I don’t know that’s where he is, pretending I didn’t listen intently when Katie called and dropped that into conversation.
He nods. “I did. Been up there all week.”
“Oh.” I frown. “Is it close by?” He’ll have practice tomorrow too, so it must be close by, or else why would he be here?
He shakes his head. “No, it’s a three-hour drive.”
Oh.
Ryan smirks. “I’ll have to head straight back after this.”
This. My heart skips a beat. What is this?
“Jake came to see you?” he asks.
I nod. I was almost as surprised to see Jake at my door as I am to see Ryan now. He had a pizza in his hand and we ate a couple slices together. We didn’t really say much but when he was leaving, he went all quiet and told me he was sorry he hasn’t been around and that he hoped everything was okay with me. Then he crushed me into a hug before telling me he’d speak to me soon. “Yeah, at lunchtime.”
Before he can say anything more, his stomach growls loudly. My eyes flash to his. “Are you hungry?”
He shakes his head. “I’m fine.”
I hesitate for a second before I point at the Chinese food. “There’s a ton of Chinese food left. I went a bit crazy when ordering.” He glances over at the food but shakes his head. He doesn’t want to take anything from me, I can tell. I sigh and try again. “It will only get thrown away if you don’t eat it.”
His eyes flit back to the food. “You ordered all that just for yourself?”
I nod. “Yeah.” I pause. “I know I need to put on some weight, so I’ve been trying to eat more.”
His eyes are back on my face in a second, only this time it’s like they’re searching for something, but I don’t know what. “Have you been ill?” he asks. “Is that why you’re so skinny?”
I don’t know how to answer that, but I find myself nodding my head. “Yeah.” It’s the only way of saying it. “But I’m getting better now.”
His eyes stay fixed on my face, “You sure you’re okay, Becs?”
My heart slams in my throat at that old nickname. It’s what he used to call me when we were little kids. He’s the only one that calls me that. The only one that’s ever called me that. It’s not often he uses it, but when he does it has always made me feel closer to him. His eyes search mine and there’s so much I want to tell him, so much I want to say, but I can’t. Instead I make myself stand up and bring the takeout over to him. “You should eat. If you’ve been playing all day, you’ll be starving.”
“Bec—”
“It doesn’t mean anything, Ryan, I know that, but you should eat. There’s spicy chicken there too.” That’s his favorite. It’s a habit I’ve gotten into since we first started dating—ordering that every time because I know it’s his favorite. It’s a habit I haven’t wanted to break.
He nods and cautiously takes the fork I hold out to him then digs in. I sit back on my stool and watch as Ryan demolishes the food; it’s all gone within minutes. When he’s finished, he puts down his fork, leans back, takes a deep breath, and offers me a wary smile. “You’re probably wondering why I’m here.”
I shrug. Of course I am, but I don’t care. He’s here, and he’s talking to me and not shouting at me, and right now, that’s all I care about.
“I heard you were flying out tomorrow.”
I nod, my heart pounding. He’s heard about me? He cares enough to have people tell him stuff about me?
He sighs. “I owe you an apology.”
That, I wasn’t expecting. “No, Ryan, it’s fine.”
He shakes his head. “No, I do. The way I spoke to you the other night was unforgivable. I’ve been feeling guilty about it ever since. I was drunk and…I dunno…” He trails off. “It was the first time I’d seen you in so long, and I was just being an idiot.” He pauses. “I know there’s nothing going on between you and Luke, and even if there were, it’s none of my business.” That hurts. The thought that I could be getting with one of his friends and he wouldn’t care, hurts. “I should never have said that stuff about you being good. That was rude and disrespectful, and I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” I manage to whisper.
“I swear I don’t talk about you like that. That was a one-time thing. I’d never talk about what we were like when we were alone together.” He actually blushes slightly. “When we were in bed together. That’s personal stuff, just between us.”
I nod, my whole body on edge. It warms my heart that that stuff will always be between us, that nothing can take it away from us, no matter what has happened. That’s something we’ll always have.
“And Kelly.” Any warmth I was feeling leaves my body at the mention of her name. “She should not have called you a whore, and I shouldn’t have let her. I’m really, really sorry, Becca.” He sighs. “I think she was just nervous and drunk and was trying to prove something.”
I nod, but I’m not going to say it’s okay. It’s not okay that his girlfriend thought she could call me a whore in front of all my friends.
He stares at me for a moment, his blue eyes piercing mine, and I’ve never wanted to go to someone so badly in my life. I’m so desperate to be in his arms, to be absorbed by him so I can forget everything that’s happened in the last nine months and be back with the only man I feel I’ll ever love.
“You’re not with Mulligan?” he asks suddenly.
I shake my head violently. “No. Absolutely not. I haven’t spoken to him in months,” I tell him.
He nods. “That’s what Mason said.” He’s asked Mason about me? What does that mean? “Are you seeing anyone else?”
“No. There’s no one else,” I reply.
He nods, glancing around again. Seconds pass, and still he doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t make a move to leave.
“So, you and Kelly then?” I ask. I know I have no right to question him, but it hurts that he picked her, that he picked her so soon after me.
He shrugs. “It just kinda happened. I’m sorry.” He pauses. “I’m sorry about that day you saw us together. I wasn’t thinking properly at the time.”
I nod. I wasn’t thinking properly at the time either. All I could think about was what I’d lost. At least now I don’t think about it every minute of the day—only every hour. I want to move past the subject of Kelly Taylor and me finding them in bed together. “It looks like you’ve done really well with the team.”
“You’ve been following my games?” He sounds surprised.
“Of course, Ryan. Everyone says you’ll definitely get drafted.”
He shrugs modestly. “We’ll see.”
“Kelly’s going to move with you wherever you go, huh?” He doesn’t reply, and I can’t seem to stop. “You must be pretty serious,” I continue, torturing myself.
“Yeah, well, some people actually want to be with me, will actually put me first,” he says bitterly.
It’s like a punch to the face, hearing that he thinks I don’t care.
“I take it all back, Ryan,” I tell him. “About living on the East Coast and having my own life away from you.” My voice cracks, and tears spring to my eyes. “It doesn’t mean anything without you. Nothing matters without you.” He’s gazing at me so intently, like he’s trying to read me, trying to see if what I’m saying is true. “I miss you so much, Ryan. I’d do anything if you’d just give us another chance.”
“Do you know how much I loved you, Becca? Do you have any idea?” he yells, all his composure gone.
I blink and try to stop my mouth from shaking. Loved. He said loved, as in past tense.
“Fuck!” he continues, like he’s annoyed he’s revealed his true feelings. “I loved you since I was a kid, Becca. Since I was a little kid! I have been crazy about you for as long as I can remember. I’d have done anything for you Becca, anything!” He pauses and looks me in the eye. “Why’d you have to do it? You ruined everything.”
I shrug my shoulders helplessly. I hate seeing the pain in his eyes and knowing I caused it. We sit there in silence for a few minutes. I don’t know how to make this better. I don’t know what to do.
“I want you to know how much I loved you too, Ryan,” I tell him, my voice shaking. I want him to know this. I need him to know this. “I know you sometimes thought it was more you than me. You thought I didn’t care, but I did. I swear to you, Ryan. I loved you so, so much.”
He smiles wistfully. “And yet you were the one who went looking elsewhere.”
No! No, I didn’t go looking anywhere. All I wanted, all I’ve ever wanted is to be with you. But I can’t say that. I can’t change what started almost a year ago.
“I’m so sorry, Ryan. I love you. I love you so much. Please, let’s try again.”
He shakes his head sadly at me. “I can’t, Becca. Every time I think I can get over it, I picture you with him, and I can’t get it out of my head. It’s all I thought about for weeks.”
“Ryan—”
“No Becca,” he interrupts me. “I can’t go through that again. I nearly fucking lost everything after I found out about you. I was a total mess. All I did was drink and drink, trying to forget, but I couldn’t. Nothing helped me forget, and I nearly got kicked off the team over it.”
“What?” I whisper. I didn’t know that.
He sighs and looks at me. “I stopped caring when we broke up. I just wanted to forget about you and him, so I just drank and drank. Eventually Coach told me that if I didn’t start showing up to training, they’d put the backup in instead of me. I nearly lost the starting spot.”
My eyes are wide. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”
He shrugs. “I told everyone not to tell you. I didn’t want you to know anything about me.”
Tears prick my eyes. He actually went out of his way to tell people not to talk to me about him. He was that desperate for me to know nothing about him.
His eyes find mine and he shrugs helplessly. “I can’t go through that again. I can’t risk it. I just can’t.”
I nod, looking away, and tears start to stream down my face. It really is over. It doesn’t matter how I feel about him or how he used to feel or still does feel about me. He’s not going to give me another chance, and I have to accept that.
I hear his stool scrape back, and I look up to see he’s standing. His eyes are already on me, and he’s frowning, like it hurts him to see me upset. He steps toward me, which is all the invitation I need. I fall onto him, wrapping my arms around him, burrowing my head in his chest and squeezing like I’ll never let him go. He lets me cry. He doesn’t move away, and eventually he cautiously wraps his arms loosely around me, but it’s not like before. It’s not the hugs from before, when he pulled me into him and made me feel like I was everything to him and he’d never let me go. After I’ve pulled myself together, I step back and look up at him.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that,” I tell him, wiping my tears away with the back of my hand.
“I should go,” he says.
I nod and watch him walk toward the door. He hovers in the doorway for just a minute, looking back at me.
“I love you,” I tell him. I do; I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving him.
He shakes his head sadly, looking genuinely pained. “It’s not enough though, Becca,” he tells me. “It’s just not enough.”