Phoenix
The blank canvas in front of Phoenix seemed to taunt him as he stared at it. Three days. Ace had been gone three days and he couldn’t seem to get anything done. It wasn’t as though he hadn’t tried. He spent hours in his studio, no different than any other day. Except, he had never gone three days in a row without being able to create something.
He picked up his stick of charcoal, holding it poised above the canvas, as though that would somehow inspire him. It didn’t. Instead, he set it back down with a sigh and walked over to the couch. Flopping down, he pulled a pillow to his chest with one hand and ran the other through Lucy’s fur. She let out a whine, pressing against him. He wasn’t the only one to notice Ace’s absence.
Closing his eyes, Phoenix took a deep breath, his chest aching. The pillow was laced with the smells of leather, musk, and citrus—Ace.
They’d talked once since he had been gone. Ace had called to let him know he had made it safely to his AirBnb, and that he was getting settled in. He’d even sent a few pictures. The place was nice enough, but it was tiny. The bedroom was barely large enough for a twin sized bed, and the bathroom would have been right at home on an airplane. But Ace seemed happy, as far as Phoenix could tell.
He thought about going up to visit. Showing up and surprising Ace. But his last experience on a train had ended horribly. He’d ended up pressed against the window, trying to avoid touching the man beside him, who kept sneezing into his hand. That hadn’t kept him from getting sick, though, and he’d spent the next week in bed.
Besides, he didn’t even know if Ace would want to see him. He wanted to think that Ace would be thrilled. They hadn’t officially been boyfriends, but they had cared about one another, and Phoenix still loved Ace. But the visit wouldn’t accomplish anything. It wasn’t as though he would ever move to New York, and he knew Ace wouldn’t move back. Not now that he remembered just how much he loved the city.
A knock at the door made him jump, and for a split second, he imagined Ace walking through and taking him in his arms, and…
No. It would do no good to think of that. He placed the pillow back on the couch and followed Lucy to the door, then opened it. His brother, Elijah, stood on the other side.
“What are you doing here?” he asked.
“Mom and Dad have been trying to call you all day.”
Oh. He’d set his phone to silent after the first few calls. Normally they weren’t so insistent.
“Sorry,” he said. Not because he was, but because that was the expected response. “I thought they would stop calling eventually.”
Elijah grinned. “They did. They sent me.”
“There was no reason for them to. I’m fine.”
“Yeah, you look fine.”
Phoenix didn’t know what that was supposed to mean. Sure, he was in the same clothes he’d worn for the past couple of days, and his hair could stand to be brushed, but that was how most people grieved, right?
“I am fine,” he said lowly.
Lucy got to her feet, then, a low growl sounding in her throat. Phoenix blinked. Normally, Lucy got along well with everyone, especially Elijah. Aside from Phoenix, he was her favorite person. For her to growl at him was definitely a signal that something was seriously wrong.
Elijah pursed his lips, then sighed. “Do you want to talk about him?”
He thought about protesting, telling Elijah that it had nothing to do with Ace. But his brother knew him far too well. It would do no good.
“I don’t know if I can,” he said, his voice soft.
Just thinking about Ace was too painful. Trying to talk about him made his throat tighten where he tried not to cry.
Elijah didn’t press. Instead, he just walked further into the studio, heading toward the couch. He went to sit down, and Phoenix made a strangled noise, and he paused.
“Is something wrong?”
“Not on the pillow,” he mumbled.
He didn’t want it to lose its scent, even though he knew it eventually would. Elijah gestured to the pillow, and Phoenix crossed the room, picking it up and holding it against his chest once more. They sat on the couch for a few long seconds, the silence settling between them.
Ace had sat here, day after day, watching him work. Phoenix wondered what he had seen that made him want to initiate a relationship. Ace had only ever seen the good in him. Even when Phoenix was particular, even when he needed things a certain way, even when he hadn’t been normal, Ace never seemed to care.
“Penny for your thoughts,” Elijah said.
“A penny is a ridiculously low wage for my thoughts.”
Elijah shook his head. “Just an expression. You’ve heard it before.”
More than likely, that was the case, but Phoenix was having a hard enough time putting his feelings into words. Dealing with expressions was more than he could handle at the moment.
“I knew he was leaving,” Phoenix said quietly. “I knew that it wasn’t going to be forever. He told me that he was looking for other jobs from the start, but I thought…”
He didn’t know what he had been thinking. That Ace would take something permanent in Wilmingson? Ace had felt nothing but disdain for the small town since he’d returned home. There was no way he would ever have been happy here. Not permanently, at least. It wasn’t even as though Ace had lied about his intentions. Phoenix had known them from the start. It was his own fault he felt this way now. If only he hadn’t gotten so involved. If only he had put a stop to it before it even began. If only.
“Can’t you guys try the long-distance thing? This doesn’t have to be the end of you two just because he moved,” Elijah said.
Phoenix shook his head. “What’s the point? He’s not going to move back here.”
“Well, no.” Elijah drew the word out, and Phoenix knew what was coming next. “You could always move with him.”
He had good intentions, Phoenix knew. But like his parents, Joel, and Ben, Elijah didn’t see what the problem was. Why it was so impossible for him to consider moving to a big city.
“Imagine…” He broke off and licked his lips. Metaphors weren’t exactly his strong suit, but they seemed to help most people understand others’ points of view, so he would try. “Imagine being a bird. You’re used to flying around and living your life. But then someone comes along and puts you in a cage, and you can’t fly. You can’t do anything. I can’t be the bird.”
“I’m just saying, if Maya got a job that took her somewhere far away, I would go with her. I would follow her into hell, if I had to.”
Phoenix knew Elijah was trying to help, but the words only made him feel worse. Was he a bad person because he wasn’t making some grand gesture and moving with Ace? He would have to give up his dreams, everything he had worked for. He loved Ace, there was no question about that. But love wasn’t always enough.
“Sometimes things just don’t work out,” he said. “It isn’t one person’s fault, or the other. It isn’t his fault that he moved to New York, and it isn’t my fault that I couldn’t go with him.”
He knew Elijah probably thought him selfish, since he wouldn’t uproot everything, but he had established his entire life here. Twenty-six years that he couldn’t so easily move. Sure, his work could be done anywhere, but his friends were here. His family was here. The only thing missing was Ace. He would just have to stay missing.