Phoenix
“He what?”
Phoenix closed his eyes and squeezed the bridge of his nose as Joel raged. It was too early for this. He’d crept out of bed as soon as the sun was up, leaving Lucy and Ace still asleep. The Wechsler wasn’t open yet, but Joel was an early riser, and his apartment was close to the art center. So Phoenix had ended up there, a mug of tea thrust into his hands.
“What a fucking arsehole! He just sprung this on you with no warning? ‘Hey, I got this job so I need to decide what I’m going to do.’ Who does that?”
“It wasn’t like that,” Phoenix said, shaking his head. He wasn’t going to let Ace get dragged through the dirt over something that wasn’t true. “I mean, yes, he got the job, and he does need to decide what he’s going to do. But at least he’s involving me in the process instead of just telling me goodbye.”
That seemed to take some of the fire out of Joel’s anger. “I still think he should have told you sooner.”
“It wasn’t my business. I knew he was probably applying for other jobs.” Sure, he actively hadn’t been thinking about it, but that didn’t mean Ace wasn’t doing it.
Joel let out a harsh breath and took a drink of his tea. A small meow came from the floor, and Joel knelt to retrieve Rembrandt, a grey and white longhaired cat. Rembrandt draped his tail across Joel’s arm, and Joel reluctantly scratched behind his ear.
“I’m just upset on your behalf,” Joel said finally. “You know that, right? I want to see you happy, and just when I think you’ve found happiness, he goes and does this shit. Why would he leave?”
Phoenix shrugged. “Because this is what he’s been working for his entire life. And I do mean his entire life. In middle school, he singlehandedly started a newspaper. It shut down almost immediately, but that shows just how dedicated he is to this.”
“Yeah, but you said he had another job opportunity locally. Why wouldn’t he just take it?”
Maybe if he put it in terms Joel understood, then he would see.
“You’re a potter—”
“Sculptor, but continue.”
Phoenix glared at him. “You’re a sculptor. You’re used to working with clay. Good clay. High quality. Imagine someone handed you a tub of Play-Doh and told you that for the rest of your life, you could only sculpt using that as your medium.”
Joel wrinkled his nose.
“Exactly. You would still be allowed to do the exact same thing you’ve always done, but the materials you have to work with would be vastly inferior to the clay you’re used to using.”
“That isn’t the same,” Joel protested.
“Isn’t it? Yes, he has two job offers, but one of them is so much better than the other that he would be an idiot not to take it.”
“And what about you? What about your happiness?”
“What about it? This isn’t about me. It’s about him. It’s his decision to make.”
“Well clearly he’s making it with you in mind, otherwise he wouldn’t have told you. You can get him to stay.”
“Why would I do that?” The thought of holding Ace back made him feel physically ill. “I want what’s best for him. I want him to succeed at what he’s always loved. It would be selfish of me to ask him to stay.”
“So it doesn’t bother you? The idea of him leaving and you never seeing him again?”
Phoenix opened his mouth to say it didn’t. It was just how things had to be. But he couldn’t. Because the thought of Ace leaving and never coming back hurt down to his very soul. It felt wrong in ways he couldn’t put into words. He was so used to seeing Ace, if not every day, then at least a few times a week. Lucy was used to seeing him, too. Every time he came over, she would curl up right beside him, as though he were her favorite person. How was he supposed to explain to her that Ace wouldn’t be coming back?
His vision blurred, and this time, Phoenix didn’t try to wipe away the tears. They coursed down his cheeks, landing on his arm.
“I don’t want him to leave,” he whispered. “I want him to take the job here and stay with me. I love him, Joel.”
“Then tell him. Your happiness is as important as his.”
Phoenix wanted to believe Joel, but he found he couldn’t. Sure, his happiness was important, but Ace deserved much better than anything he had to give. Not that he had much. He let out a slow breath and shook his head.
“I want him to stay. But I don’t want him to stay if it means giving up what he’s worked for his entire life.”
“And what about what you’ve worked for? Does that count for nothing? You have a job, a house, a dog, but you’ve been lonely, Phoenix. I know you like to think you’re above needing someone to love you, but I’ve seen how different you’ve been with Ace. He’s good for you.” Joel ran a hand through his hair. “Ben said you went to the Harvest Festival. And you came to Thanksgiving. I’ve never seen you at either of those.”
“I—” Phoenix couldn’t deny it, though. Joel was right. Ace had been good for him. That didn’t matter now. “We don’t always get what we want. Do I want Ace to stay? Yes. Do I want him to love me? Of course I do. But if he stays, then one day he’s going to look back and regret the decision he made, and I can’t stand the thought of him looking at me in resentment instead of love.”
“What makes you so sure he’d do that? Why couldn’t he stay and be happy right where he is?”
“Because he isn’t you! You love small towns. You love the charm and the people. He hates them. He left as soon as he turned eighteen to go to school in Washington.”
Joel sighed. “I know he isn’t me. If he was me, you wouldn’t love him. I just want you happy. I worry about you.”
“You know I already have a father.”
Joel pushed at his shoulder. “Shut up. I’m not old enough to be your father.”
Phoenix shrugged.
“Look, you’re one of my best friends, and you’re… different than most people. I can’t help that I want to look out for you.
“I’m not asking you to. I’m just asking that you let me make this decision. Don’t try to convince me to convince him to stay. It’s hard enough telling him to go.”
His lip trembled, but he bit down on it to keep Joel from seeing. Apparently he didn’t do a good job of it. Joel set Rembrandt down and then walked around to pull Phoenix into a hug.
“Let me know if I can do anything,” Joel said softly.
Fresh tears fell as Phoenix nodded. “I will.”