Past
“I’M SORRY.” THOSE WERE NOT words that rolled off my tongue with ease, but if I’d ever get her to talk to me again, I had no choice.
“Sure, Violet. Whatever.” Eden shrugged me off as she busied herself making breakfast—for one. Never mind there were three of us living in this house. Or maybe just two. My father living to see another day was never a sure thing. I really couldn’t blame her for doing her own thing, to be honest. What had I or my father ever done for her other than give her shit, even though she was the only good one of the lot of us?
My nagging guilt—the same annoying regrets that kept me up most of the night after Eden warned me to fuck off—pushed me to elaborate. I lived life by the notion that there were no regrets, you only lived once and all that BS. Yet here I was, apologizing for my actions. Why? Because Eden was the one person who genuinely didn’t deserve the crap hand she’d been dealt or a screw up for me as a sister. Hearsay, your honor. Last I checked, I was holding the same cards in my hands.
Blame and circumstance aside, I inched closer to Eden, toying with the hem of an old Metallica T-shirt I stole from some dude. “I’m serious, E. I was only trying to get your attention by getting his. I wasn’t making a move on your guy. What kind of person do you think I am?”
Eden’s hands abruptly stopped buttering her toasted bagel, her narrowed eyes slaying me. “You really don’t want me to answer that question, Violet. You won’t like my response.”
“Ha, ha. Very funny. Can’t we call a truce? Can’t we . . . You know, how was I supposed to even know that was him? It’s not like you ever brought him around.” Can’t hurt to play dumb.
“Oh, enough, Violet. You knew damn well who he was. Everyone knows who he is. And everyone knows he belongs to me. Therefore, your apology is a little . . . diluted.” She took a bite of her breakfast with a crunch and walked past me as if this conversation was already over, in her favor.
My usual MO was to storm off, whatever her to death, smoke a joint, and wait for everything to eventually blow over. But this time I’d gone too far, and it had been too long since Eden and I were okay. I missed her. She was the only light in the darkness that surrounded me, and when I wasn’t adrift in the blissful haze of a high—or out of drugs, which I happened to be right now—my sins caught up to me, willing me to repent. “All right, so I did know who he was, but I’m still sorry.” I plopped down next to her at the table, the jagged rip in the vinyl-cushioned chair scratching my bare thigh. Gnawing on what was left of the fingernail on my thumb, I pleaded, “I just want us to spend time together again. I know how much you love him, what you mean to each other. I guess what I want is to be a part of that rather than hidden away like some embarrassing secret.”
That bit of melodrama, while totally unrehearsed but possibly overused, caught her attention. Eden glared into my eyes—a tell-tale sign she was checking to see if I was stoned. I lifted my lashes so they brushed my lids to demonstrate I knew what she was up to and that I was straight as an arrow.
When she was certain of my non-inebriated state, she spoke on a sigh. “You said some really messed up stuff. You can’t take something like that back. It hurt. It made me see red. It made me think things about you that a big sister shouldn’t think about her little sister.”
Okay, so maybe I had spoken a little too freely and gotten carried away, but I really didn’t have any intention of seducing her man. I didn’t have a shot with him anyway. Lennox Dean loved my sister. We were as different as day and night. Sun and moon. Summer and winter. I was a fuck-up and she was a saint. I had no chance with someone like him, and no business even pretending I did.
Extending my hand, I cautiously placed it over the one Eden rested on the table. “It won’t happen again. Things’ll be better. I promise.” I made a crossing gesture with my index finger over my heart and jutted my lower lip. “We good?”
Eden, always the pillar of grace and dignity, eyed me suspiciously. I couldn’t blame her but I did wish for an end to this. We were sisters. She was in college and getting ready to start a new life. My guess was, it would be far as fuck away from here. Soon I couldn’t depend on her to keep me safe from the monsters that went bump in the night, or my mean old drunk of a father. I found myself desperate for her love and longing for her acceptance. Same old story. But it had to be a joint effort and I wasn’t exactly giving her a reason to keep me around. Most days I didn’t even like myself.
That’s when I decided it wouldn’t kill me to see things through her eyes for a change. To grow up a little, stop being green with envy, settle for second best—even if only for her sake. So when she took my hand, closed her eyes, and nodded her approval that we were good, I really believed we were and I truly intended to make her proud.
Turned out, though, you couldn’t teach an old dog new tricks.
I MEASURED TIME BY WHAT Eden was up to. As a small child, before I was in school myself, the hours ticked by as I waited anxiously—my father passed out on the couch or off at some odd job, and Agnes watching her stupid soaps and paying me no mind—until she came charging off the school bus to tell me about her day. I hated being away from her. She was my one friend, the only one who paid me any mind, so I sucked up every second I could get with her just to fill the ache of loneliness I’d been cursed with from birth.
As we got older, things started to change. It was evident from early on that I was the troubled one and Eden was the wholesome one, but it was no longer fun to live in her shadow. You see, that shadow used to keep me safe from William and the wicked world. As I ripened into a young lady, I wanted to escape from Eden’s fantasy land where good always prevailed over evil. I’d learned that was a crock of shit and I rebelled because emulating Eden never seemed to do me any good. I figured I might actually have some fun on the dark side. I watched the clock, hoping Eden would turn in to bed early so I could sneak out and get into the trouble she warned me to stay away from.
Over the last few years, with Eden away at college, I’d become free from the weight of that clock, however. I came and went as I pleased, did whatever I wanted, with whomever I wanted, wherever I wanted. All that changed, though, after that conversation in our kitchen when I swore things would be better and she had an incredible change of heart, promising to include me in her life. We managed to maintain a solid sisterly relationship during Eden’s spring semester. We spoke regularly over the phone and I was thrilled to know I had my big sister back. But once again, I was a slave to the time according to Eden.
I found myself missing her when she was gone for classes or visiting Lennox. I was terribly lonely again. My job at the restaurant kept me busy and I really was trying to stay on the right track to prove to Eden that I meant what I said. I loved her, wanted to make her proud, and needed her as a constant rather than getting by on sporadic, fleeting occurrences. So the few friends I did have, I kept at arm’s length, not wanting to fall back into old habits. It worked for the most part, but much like a kid counting the days until Christmas or their birthday, I anticipated Eden’s return for summer break with burgeoning expectations.
Dad hadn’t been home in three whole days and I purposely took the day off from work, knowing Eden would be arriving. I was alone. Idle. And you know what they say about the idle mind. It was in those moments of solitude that I was most jealous of Eden for having a life and leaving me behind. It was in those moments of desperate lonesomeness that I most missed getting high. Tick tock, tick tock . . . silence. I shook off the urge and settled for a cigarette, mindlessly flipping through the channels as my leg jerked up and down. Waiting and waiting and waiting.
Daylight slowly faded, the sun losing its fervor and morphing from a bright yellow to a somber orange. I was about ready to give up on Eden walking through the front door when I heard the car pull up outside. Like a neglected puppy, eager for his master to return and rub his belly, I jumped off the couch and ran to the window.
She’s here! Not since those days when I watched her coming down the path off the school bus had I been so excited to wrap my arms around her and welcome her home. I quickly snubbed out the cigarette in an ash tray and waved the odor of the smoke away with my hand. Straightening the wrinkles out of the pale blue sundress Eden had handed down to me, I bounced to the screen door and swung it open.
“Welcome home!” I shouted from the steps, ready to barrel down the entire short flight in one bound.
And that’s when I noticed she’d brought someone with her.
Disappointment that I wouldn’t have her all to myself after so much time apart zinged my gut. I wasn’t her only friend, her only outlet, her only anything. She had other people and other things that meant something to her. Others besides me. A burning resentment for those other people and other things made me want to stalk off, get stupid, and pretend I didn’t just spend the last three hours staring out the window, waiting for her. But when I realized who it was in the passenger seat of her car, my eyes went wide and a new wave of excitement gushed through me. She brought Lennox . . . home!
“Hey, V. William’s still not home, is he?” She met me at the foot of the steps with a kiss on the cheek and a wary look on her beautiful face. With coffee-colored locks naturally highlighted by streaks of amber done in a simple braid that hung over one shoulder, she looked youthful. The tone of her question added to her innocence, too. Also made it clear why Lennox was still in the car and not by her side being formally introduced to me. She avoided our father at all costs. It was how she stayed sane, but even at the mention of him it was clear she reverted back to a time when our father had authority over everything that went on under his roof.
“Nope. Coast is clear.” It was a phrase we used often when we were kids. I hoped it put her at ease.
When her features softened and her smile reached her soft chocolate eyes, I knew I’d done my job. Finally pulling me in for a real welcome home, Eden wrapped her arms around me and squeezed. “Hey, sis.”
Warmth enveloped me because the person I loved most in the world was reciprocating that affection. She was home. We could spend the whole summer together, make up for lost time, create new happy memories to smother the sting of the old. I squeezed her back, realizing I was the happiest I’d been in a long time simply because she was here.
Maybe I was pathetic for allowing Eden’s comfort and approval to mean so much to me. Maybe I was weak for needing it. In hindsight, maybe that exact desperation for her love was my undoing. Was I good enough? Smart enough? Helping out around the house enough? Compassionate enough? When you shadowed a saint, you tended to fall short.
It was clear I hadn’t been any of those things for my father, so I threw all my efforts into Eden. Problem number one. They say people who sought out approval were addicts in a way. We craved admiration from those we loved, and we’d do anything to get that buzz that came from gaining that person’s praise. But like any other addiction, on the other end of the high was the withdrawal. The downfall. The heavy weight and consequence of disapproval.
When Eden disapproved, the pain was excruciating. It was the equivalent to reluctantly coming off a heroin binge or a stint with oxy. And rather than dope myself back up with the very “drug” that fed my addiction, sometimes I did the exact opposite. I acted out just to get her attention and went for something even more potent. Problem number two. I knew it was out of spite. It was childish and selfish. But a junkie did anything for her next fix.
The whole situation was all kinds of fucked up. I was an addict in so many ways it was sickening. And the vicious cycle was sure to continue. There was no end in sight, because today’s dose of Eden was euphoric and I intended to savor it for as long as I could.
The words that escaped her lips next were more blissful than any hit of E and sweeter than a bump of cocaine.
“There’s someone I want you to meet,” she whispered into the crook of my neck, sending those shivers of drug induced enchantment through my veins.
Phone conversations had filled me in on her relationship with Lennox, but that paled in comparison to wanting a chance to witness it firsthand. And this was finally that chance. She was actually bringing him around, taking this step to introduce Lennox to this aspect of her life. It was an emotional overload. I wanted to jump up and down and cry all at the same time. I wouldn’t be surprised if I did both by the time Lennox made his way inside.
“I’d love that,” I said, composing myself so I didn’t seem as eager as I felt.
That was Eden’s cue to call Lennox from the car. As we waited for him to emerge, her hand traveled down my arm, reaching my fingers and intertwining them. What that meant to me—I couldn’t even put it in to words. It was validation, all I’d ever needed to feel accepted by this person I idolized.
Lennox stepped out of the car, bigger and better than the last time I saw him while trying to pull that stupid stunt months ago. My cheeks tinged with warmth at the memory and I hoped with all hope that he’d forgotten my pitiful bid for his attention.
As he made his way closer, green was the first thing that registered. A forest of moss and pine trapped in two beautiful globes. Those eyes smiled with overwhelming devotion for the woman he set them on—my sister—and then sparkled with intrigue as they settled on me.
“So, she is real.” He spoke with his arm around Eden, his timbre deep and rugged. His commanding stature and the rumble of his gut-deep chuckle should’ve been intimidating, but they weren’t. I stopped myself from clapping my hands and throwing my arms around him for a long overdue hug.
“I would say the same about you, except your face is plastered in the newspaper so often I had no choice but to believe you existed outside the realm of Eden’s imagination.” My hand flew to my hip, my innate sassiness too hard a habit to break.
Eden stared up at him with a loving smile as he extended his hand to me. “Well, it’s nice to finally meet you—without your boobs in my face.”
I stifled a laugh, mortification gripping me with a squeeze. Before I could answer with a clever comeback or an overdue apology, Eden squealed. “Lennox!” She smacked her dainty hand against her boyfriend’s burly chest. If he felt even a faint flutter from her assault, I’d be surprised. On second thought, I was more shocked Eden’s hand wasn’t broken from her attempt to scold him.
“What? Too soon?” Lennox’s mouth turned up in a heart-stopping smile and his face illuminated as he and Eden teased each other with whispers and intimate touches.
Their playful banter and obvious closeness made me feel like an outsider to some kind of inside joke. Panic set in, as it does for most self-deprecating people, and I immediately felt like running away from my discomfort. Running away or smoking some herb. Anything to make my unwanted paranoia disappear.
Had one more minute passed with my insecurities getting the best of me, I would’ve made an excuse to leave them to each other, but Eden swooped in and saved the day. Very Eden-like, indeed. “Lennox, why don’t you get my bags and then join us inside. This is long overdue, and while we have a William-free zone, we should talk to Violet about what you and I discussed in the car.” Eden stretched up on tip-toes to adorn him with a peck on the lips. He went in for more, snaking an arm around her waist, but then left her all dreamy-eyed when he turned toward the car with a crunch of gravel underneath his feet.
“God, I love that boy,” she swooned when he was out of earshot.
“Yeah, it’s kinda obvious.” I arched a brow and restrained from making a gagging gesture.
“Well, judge all you want, but you’ll love him, too. You’ll see. Lennox has an irresistible charm that no one can resist.”
As she hung her arm over my shoulder and ushered me inside, I had no way of knowing that what she just said was one of the truest statements ever spoken. In our moment of happiness and our bubble of naiveté, there was no way to foresee that Lennox’s irresistible charm and my inability to resist would be the undoing of us all.