Past
I WOKE UP TO THE sound of the shower running in the bathroom and a draft on my midriff. When I opened my eyes and looked down, Denver was snorting a line off my stomach, his long hair tickling my skin. At one time, this would’ve made me frisky. Not this time.
“Morning, sugar. Or should I say, good afternoon?”
I jolted upright, taking in the surroundings, searching for a clock and pulling the blanket over my exposed skin. “What time is it?”
“Almost four,” he answered, slithering up the length of the bed and joining me at the headboard.
Fuck! Four o’clock. We should’ve been out of here already. I jumped off the bed, readjusted my clothing—the same clothes I’d worn all day yesterday—and started for my bag. “Where’s L—”
“Loverboy?” he interrupted, singing.
“He’s not my—never mind. That’s him in the shower, right?”
He stood and nodded, walking toward me with a look all too familiar and extremely unsettling. “We’ve got a few minutes to rekindle, sugar. You didn’t give me much play time last night. I’ve missed your sweet p—”
“Don’t, Denver.” My palm met his face, smooshing his nose against my hand and stopping any advances he thought he could get away with. He took the hint with a sly smirk, but we remained a breath’s width apart. “Listen, we appreciate your help, but I’m not here for that. There’s no time for any more fun than we’ve already gotten ourselves into.”
“You make it sound like a bad thing that you had a good time.” He licked his lips, a move that used to make my panties wet, but that gave me the heebeegeebees now. The way he cooed the statement worried me, though. I prayed his idea of a good time was merely related to the drugs and nothing more. “Too much of anything isn’t a good thing, D. We both know that.” My eyes pierced his with a knowing look, but he didn’t flinch. Like all smart dealers who dabbled in the merch, Denver knew about moderation. That’s what kept him in business.
We were at a standoff, our noses inches apart, his hands at his sides but visibly twitching to grope me. Never in the time we’d been together had he forced himself on me, but I also couldn’t remember a time I’d told him no. That realization had to cross his mind as I held my ground, refusing to allow his nearness to concern me.
“You know you’ll be back before you know it, right?” He play-slapped my cheek, his thumb caressing my bottom lip. I should’ve bitten it off, but you don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
“What makes you so sure about that?” I backed away and busied myself in the mirror, combing my fingers through the snarls in my hair.
“Your boy’s got quite the problem. Never predicted number ten would be needing my services.”
That sparked my attention. “You know who he is?”
Denver laughed, making himself comfortable in an arm chair. “Who around here doesn’t, sugar? You’d have to live under a rock not to. I’m not exactly a fan of football, but it’s a sin what happened to him. How’s your prissy sister handling it? Or is she not in the picture, seeing as he’s here with you?”
Bile assaulted my throat at the mention of Eden. She was an innocent bystander in this whole mess and the thought of her name on his lips made me sick to my stomach. “None of this is any of your business.”
Examining his well-kempt nails, Denver crossed his legs and said, “You made it my business last night and you know how involved I am in my business.”
What did we do?
I knew this was a mistake, but it was too late to turn back now. Lennox had packed an extra bag in his duffel for the sole purpose of stocking up on enough painkillers and recreational shit to keep him loaded for God knew how long. He paid his dues—a pretty hefty bill, might I add—but Denver was good at what he did and always followed up with his clients. It was precisely how I wound up back here in this predicament in the first place. He was a good business man, even if there was nothing good about the business he was in.
“THANK YOU,” LENNOX MUMBLED FROM the passenger seat of the Ford he rented to take us and his stash back to Philly. He was nodding off, in an oxy coma, but trying his best to keep me company for the more than fifteen-hour ride.
“Go to sleep, Lennox. I’ve got the radio to keep me occupied.” I cranked it up, tuning to the country station and drowning out my thoughts. Truth was, I didn’t have much to say to him right now. I was sober, my mind hung up on what we’d just done. Lied, committed a crime, and basically sold our souls to the devil.
I signaled left, crossed into the fast lane, and accelerated. Lyrics and melodies swam in my head, and I instinctually hummed the harmony of a song I’d heard a time or two. I was pretty sure I was left alone to contemplate when Lennox’s hand landed on my knee.
“I’m serious, Vi. Thank you.”
His touch surprised me. He’d never been this bold. And even if it was only a friendly pat on the leg, it sparked a fire within me that needed to be extinguished before I went up in flames. I did my best to ignore the heat that traveled from his lingering fingers to the apex of my thighs. “What exactly are you thanking me for, huh? Believe me, that’s not the choice of words you should be using.”
“I could never go to Eden with this. You know what I need, so thank you.” His voice was lulled and groggy, but the sentiment was loud and clear.
I cleared my throat and focused on the stretch of endless highway ahead of me. “You’re welcome.”
He closed his eyes after that, but his hand remained on my thigh. I gazed at him, peaceful and still in the midst of what would surely turn into a shit storm, and placed my own hand over his. My smooth, dainty fingers tunneled between his rough, much larger ones. I savored the feel of my skin grazing against his. I imagined those hands on more delicate parts of my body; those fingers tracing a path up my bare thigh and into my panties. My heart pounded and my breathing became erratic from the erotic fantasy of me and Lennox together. I had to count to ten to calm myself, pay closer attention to the silly lyrics humming through the speakers. I came back down to reality—he did not belong to me—but kept my hand in place over his, unwilling to let go.
We drove that way for a good expanse of miles, the odometer marking the distance, the music measuring the time. It was a lonely drive even though my thoughts crowded me, but I deserved every second of the torment I was going through.
SOMEWHERE IN VIRGINIA, LENNOX WOKE up with a start when his cell phone rang. “Shit! Where are we?”
“West Bumble Fuck,” I answered with a smirk, nodding to his lap. “Better answer that. It’s probably Eden.”
He fingered the phone in his hands, possibly contemplating whether or not to answer it, and then quickly swiped the screen. “Hello.”
We’d come up with more lies in the event Eden asked what either of us were doing, but if we stuck to asking the questions, we could pull this off with no problem. “Oh, nothing much. Just woke up, actually.”
Mindless conversation filled the car as I focused on the road, my grip on the wheel tightening with every notch of softness added to Lennox’s voice. Through all the turmoil, the accident, the irritability, the addiction, the lies, it was obvious that one thing remained of the old Lennox. He loved my sister. He always would.
“How’s it going in New York? The interview’s tomorrow, right?” He nibbled on his nails as he spoke, his leg bouncing up and down. The effects of the pills were probably wearing off. Or maybe his nerves were getting the best of him. Sometimes when you lie, your body reacts, almost rejecting the fabrication. Eden had no way of knowing we weren’t safe and sound back in Rittenhouse Square, but the truth was most likely eating at Lennox. It ate at me enough to feel as if a bomb was about to detonate inside my stomach.
I tuned out their conversation to keep my head on straight, but at the sound of my name, my ears perked. “Yeah, she’s good.” He looked at me. “No, she’s not home right now.” He gave me a tight smile. “Not sure. Probably at work.” His eyes left mine and returned to the view of cars whizzing by through the passenger window.
Guilt was a hard thing to live with. Especially if the act was committed against someone so underserving. I knew when we set out to do this—hell, I knew the first time I helped Lennox get high—that guilt would be a permanent part of me from that day forward. It was now an ingrained trait the same way my physical characteristics were. I had chocolate brown eyes. I had long dark hair. I had gut-twisting guilt. This was me and I either had to deal with it or come clean. And by the looks of the state Lennox was in, the latter wasn’t an option. He needed me to continue this ruse or he’d lose the last thing that meant anything to him. He wouldn’t survive that at such a vulnerable time. It would ruin him more than the accident did. So even though I could taste the guilt on the tip of my tongue, enough to make my stomach roil in disgust, I had to live with this part of me for Lennox’s sake. Talk about taking one for the team.
When Lennox hung up, his I love you lingering throughout the car—between us—I glanced to my right to take a peek. He was rummaging through the new bag of goodies he’d scored from Denver. Pills rattled inside bottles; bottles knocked together. It was a treasure trove fit for a doped up Peter Pan and his lost boys. He certainly is a lost boy.
“What’s your pleasure?” he asked, fisting a bottle in one hand and a bag of powder in the other.
My eyes ping-ponged between the two, my mouth watering. I thought better of indulging, even though it was killing me not to, but one of us had to get us home or we’d be spending the night in Virginia. Not a good idea. “I’m driving. I can’t.”
Lennox laughed, and tucked the pill bottle back into the bag, mesmerized by the large baggie of coke. “That’s never stopped you before. Come on. There’s enough here to paralyze an entire high school football team.”
Was that his aim? Total annihilation? How would he explain that to Eden? Hiding his habit was getting harder as it became more frequent and more compulsive. It wouldn’t be long before he had to tell her. Or I had to tell to her. Fuck that. She wasn’t stupid. She’d figure this shit out on her own in a matter of days once she got back.
“Lennox, what are we doing?” I finally asked. All this time I hadn’t thought to voice that one simple question.
“What do you mean?” He sounded innocent. Lost. The lost boy.
“What’s the point of all this?” I signaled right, made sure the lane was clear to merge, and slowed down a bit. This conversation surely needed more attention than I was giving it while speeding up I-95 in a race to the finish line.
Shaking his head, the baggie still in his hand, he narrowed his emerald eyes and they seared right through me. “You can’t be serious, Violet. You’ve been in my corner this whole time and now you want to play by some code of ethics? It’s too late for that, don’t you think?”
I blanched at his bluntness and swallowed hard. Sure, I’d crossed the line of all lines by helping Lennox with this plan and introducing him to this world in the first place, but I wasn’t about to let him treat me this way. I did have morals. They were just blurred by all the shit I’d endured in my life. “I don’t deserve that. I’ve done nothing but help you even though we both know how wrong this is. You do still know how wrong this is, Lennox, right? You know what this would do to Eden if she found out?”
By this time, I’d taken the first exit and stopped at a gas station. We needed to fuel up on gas and snacks, and besides, I couldn’t drive and do this at the same time. We needed to talk this out and formulate a plan before we crossed the Pennsylvania state line. I needed to know how to go forward because I was crumbling under the pressure and the shit hadn’t even begun to hit the fan.
“That’s why she can’t find out.” He said it with such conviction. Did he really have this much faith in me? In the lies we told? If so, he was more fucked up than I thought.
I spun around in my seat, and pulled his face to me so our eyes met, and roared. “Listen to me! We can’t keep doing this! We either have to tell her about your problem or you need to go for help. Maybe you can live with breaking her heart, but I can’t.”
I’d never screamed at him like this. Never so much as raised my voice to him. But something had to give. We were in too deep, and more lies would only bury us deeper. It was time for some truth, and the truth usually stung like a bitch.
With his face in my hands, Lennox closed his eyes. He didn’t respond to my lecture. I couldn’t even tell if he was breathing. But when he opened his eyes, full of tearful grief and despair, it was all over for me.
My sister was the only light in my world. My best friend, my mother figure, my savior. I loved her more than I knew a heart could love, but when Lennox cried, his tears dripping onto my hands as they cradled his face, I knew he needed me more than Eden ever could. I loved him, too. In a crazy, fucked up way, of course. But when you loved someone this way—irrationally—you’d do absolutely anything for them.
I was as lost and fucked up as Lennox, and my only hope was that together we could find ourselves in this mess.