Past
THINGS WERE OFFICIALLY OUT OF hand. I should’ve gone to Eden and confessed everything as soon as it started to unravel, but I couldn’t.
We hid the secrets and lies for so long I was sure she’d never forgive me even if I came clean. And there was only one thing besides Eden’s approval I was certain I couldn’t live without—Lennox’s dependency.
Slipping him a few extra painkillers behind her back turned into buying more off the street when they ran out. He even graduated to stronger drugs to dull the pain he was convinced would never go away. He confided in me, trusted me, relied on me, and I went along with it because I understood.
Sometimes I joined him, other times I sat on the sidelines and monitored his high. I was delusional for thinking I was some kind of nurse who knew what she was doing. Blind leading the blind. But when Lennox called, I came running.
Much like the euphoria of a drug, knowing he needed me brought me to unexplainable heights. I’d never experienced this before. I was always the one in need, searching for something. Being on the opposite end of that situation made me feel in control for the first time in my life. I fed off that control and craved it in the worst way possible. I craved it enough to coax Lennox’s habit and lie to my sister. I’d probably rot in hell for this. Guess I’d worry about that when I was dead.
Even still, what Lennox asked of me now felt wrong on a whole new level. My conscience finally got the best of me, warning me to turn back before it was no longer an option. “This is a mistake, Lennox. I don’t think we should do this.”
He ignored me as he crammed random clothes into a duffel bag. His overgrown hair fell over his eyes, his wiry scruff covering his usually smooth skin. What had become of America’s hero? How did Eden not see it? Was she too preoccupied with her own shit to notice that Lennox was falling down the same slippery slope I’d been down so many times? She was usually so good at this; the first to point a finger when she sensed I was using. Did she really trust my word this much? Was it possible I held that much power these days?
I found myself desperate for her right now. She’d left yesterday for an interview at a firm in New York she was dying to work for. With football off the table for Lennox, Eden wanted to secure their future with a career of her own. She was off doing the right thing while we were here committing so many wrongs.
“We’ll be back before she knows it. Just get a bag, pack some crap, and let’s go. I can’t do this without you.” He was a man on a mission and there was no penetrating that thick skull of his. Although, he was weak enough to let me plant this stupid seed in his head and run with it.
Lennox sniffed the line of white powder off my hand and then deflated into the couch cushions. “Shit, that feels good.”
“I told you.” I smirked, emptied the vial onto the same spot Lennox had inhaled from, and lowered my nose to my hand.
We sat there, mesmerized by nothing and talking about everything. “Back home, this guy Denver . . .” I trailed off, remembering things I was better off forgetting.
“Old boyfriend?” Lennox mused when I didn’t continue. His hands were in his hair, mindlessly curling the longer ends with his fingers. I liked his new look and hated it at the same time. He’d become less Eden’s type and more mine. It represented his fall from grace and his rise to ruin.
I dragged my eyes from his handsome face, told myself he still belonged to my sister, and answered, “Old dealer turned lover.” There was no other way to put it.
“Did you sleep with all your dealers?” he asked without blinking an eye.
I wouldn’t let his derisive opinion of me ruin my buzz. “No, not that it’s any of your business.”
“Then why did you bring it up?”
“Because the shit we just sniffed is almost as good as the stuff Denver used to get me.”
That’s all I had to say. The rest was a plan concocted solely by Lennox on his search for the ultimate high.
WE GOT HIGH BEFORE WE boarded the plane. Hell, Lennox got high all the time, but the only way I was putting one foot in front of the other and committing this act of betrayal was if poison was coursing through my veins and egging me on.
“He knows we’re coming today, right? You spoke to him this morning?”
God, he was so fidgety. We’d been over it a million times, but I guess a million and one was the lucky number. “Yes, Lennox. It’s all good. We’ll meet Denver, get what we need, then crash for the night at the hotel. In the morning, we’ll wake up and head to the rental car place, then get our asses back to Philly, ASAP.”
Easy enough?
Wrong!
We met Denver at a place I frequented back in the day. A busy bar with dart boards and pool tables, but most of the “fun” happened in a back room, unknown to the public. Denver had an arrangement with the owner of the bar—not his only business arrangement in this part of town—and from the look of things, nothing much had changed since we left Florida for Philly. Being here meant the same went for me, I guess. You can put lipstick on a pig, but . . .
“You have no idea how surprised I was to hear your voice, sugar.” Denver sidled up next to me, his fingers grazing my shoulder, his warm breath inches from my ear. He leaned in and kissed the sensitive spot where my blood pulsed beneath the soft skin of my neck, and I tensed.
I couldn’t help but notice the way Lennox watched the exchange. His eyes darkened, his brows sloped, his jaw ticked. A look of longing he reserved for Eden decorated his perfect face for a split second and as quickly as it came, it went. He remained silent, waiting for me to take control, as I always did when it came to getting Lennox’s . . . meds.
My eyes locked with Lennox’s as this other man put his hands on my body, claiming me. Denver was always entitled. I’d never done anything to make him believe otherwise during our time together, and old habits persisted. I pretended it was business as usual even though his touch didn’t have the same effect it used to. This time I felt cheap, regardless of what I knew he could do for me. For us.
Without making it too obvious, I wriggled out of his arms and stood between them. Before I could open my mouth to get on with what we came for, Lennox surprised me by taking charge. “We’re only here for a short time; we have to be out of here first thing tomorrow. Do you have what Violet spoke to you about?” His nostrils flared and his stare was sharp, but the rest of his body gave him away. Twiddling fingers, twitching limbs. He was not as in control as he wanted to be. I wanted to jump in and rescue him from humiliation, but Denver beat me to it.
Roguish gray eyes darted from Lennox to me and then Denver let out a brash chuckle. “What’s the rush? Stay a while. I promise I’ll make it worth your trouble.”
Trouble was the operative word in that statement.
THE EVENING WENT ON IN a blur. Booze, reefer, coke, and who knew what else. Denver charmed Lennox the same way he’d charmed me—with poison. I fell into the enticing trap along with him and lost sense of time, reality, and morality.
This was a bender of all benders. Three lost souls overindulging and falling deeper into a hole that would eventually become too big to crawl out of. But in that moment, that hole felt like an oasis. Through hazy sight and fuzzy audibility, I could tell Lennox was the happiest he’d been since before the accident. He smiled and laughed with no inhibitions. We’d found a way to escape the plague of reality, and although there was a voice that called out every so often to bring me back, I ignored it because Lennox deserved this. I went along with it, abandoning my worries and forcing thoughts of Eden to the furthest corner of my darkened mind. We played darts and did shots, and sang along to crappy music. I danced on tabletops while Lennox and Denver ogled my sultry moves. We frequented the back room until the sun came up the next morning and when it finally did, Lennox, Denver and I wound up sharing a bed in a suite at the Hilton.
The two of them snored on either side of me, Lennox reeking of alcohol and a night’s worth of partying, Denver shirtless with his arm snaked underneath my sensationless body. As the bright morning light seeped into the hotel room, it did not find me asleep. No, I was wide awake, coming down from my high, my mind spinning with too many emotions to grasp.
Why was I doing this?
What was wrong with me?
Was I really this despicable of a human being?
The only answer I came up with was: I did it all for Lennox. The man who belonged to my sister but was rapidly creeping into my heart, burrowing within my marrow, and awakening my soul. In the stillness of that dreadful morning, I realized something profound. I wanted Lennox Dean as much as he needed me. The slippery slope we’d started on together was becoming a death-defying descent. And the worst part was that I welcomed it with open arms.