Present
I WANTED THE WORLD TO swallow me whole, and the deplorable sight of the once magnificent Lennox Dean was to thank for that.
My hand flew to my mouth as a deafening gasp of horror escaped. They say your life flashes before your eyes when something traumatic is about to happen—an unavoidable car accident, a near death experience, anything detrimental to your safety. As my eyes scanned Lennox from head to toe, bits and pieces of our relationship zipped past me in spurts, each one sticking the knife deeper into my heart with a merciless twist. The man standing at the doorway of the hellhole he now called home could not be the same man I fell in love with on our high school’s football field so many years ago. My initial instinct was to blame Lennox’s state on the bewitchings of that goddamn house. It sucked the life out of him, much the way it did William and Violet. I was certain I would have suffered the same fate had I not left when I did.
But at second glance, it was clear Lennox had become more of an addict than my sister ever was. This was why she called. This was the dire emergency. Lennox was killing himself with every pill he swallowed and vein he pricked. We are losing him.
Upon further inspection through the window of the car, I took in this new, roughed-up version of him. His body was half of what it once was. In place of a healthy, athletic physique was ashen skin brought to life only by the colorful ink tattooed on his chest and arms. Arms that once held me close and protected me from harm had no definition left to them. No muscle, no strength, no sign of the security they used to represent for me. The dignified posture that preceded Lennox before he even entered a room or stepped onto the field had been traded for the sagging stance of a wilted hero. And his eyes—those beautiful, vibrant eyes that could melt me with one look—were empty and soulless. Lennox was now a feeble, fragile stranger; a far cry from an All-American hero and my knight in shining armor.
I rested my forehead against the steering wheel as tears pricked my eyes and fell with abandon. I wasn’t ready for this. Nothing could prepare a person for a vision this harrowing. It had been a while since I’d seen a picture of Lennox in the paper or a flash of him across the television screen during a sponsored commercial. Violet’s current condition was something I’d witnessed before so it didn’t have the same effect over me, but one look at Lennox this way sent me into a total body shut down.
My hands shook as I held them over my eyes. Bile rose from my stomach to my throat, threatening to burst forth. I felt dizzy with heartbreak, woozy with painful memories, and lightheaded with fear that Lennox was only one fix away from winding up in the ground.
Violet rapped at the car window, startling me to the point of breathlessness. I jumped at the interruption but was grateful for the shock because it scared the tremors of sadness right out of me. Her cheeks were stained with tears, too. Part of me wanted to tell her she had no right to cry. So much of this was her fault. But a repressed emotion sprang from within—something I hadn’t felt in years—and for a matter of a moment there was common ground that connected us; a spark flickering where I never thought it possible.
The relief was fleeting, however, because Lennox was descending the steps and making his way toward my sister.
“Who’s in the car, Violet? What the fuck’s going on?” He tried to storm past her but she blocked his view and quickly grabbed his face in her hands.
I couldn’t make out their whispers, but I could tell by Lennox’s body language that he was reluctant to submit to her touch. Guess they’re living in their own personal hell. Isn’t all peaches and cream for the lovebirds, is it?
That should have brought me solace, but it didn’t. It only made the situation that much shittier. Violet didn’t simply need me to mend Lennox. She needed me to mend him for her. But I’d be damned if I did this for anyone but myself; for my peace of mind. I deserted him at his weakest, and maybe part of the reason he was so broken was because of my neglect. The thought seemed a little pretentious, but I held on to it anyway. I held on to it because it didn’t matter now. With only one look at Lennox, I knew I wouldn’t be able to leave without making him whole again.
Releasing my grip on the wheel, I reached for the door handle and swallowed back all the pain, all the fear. I would have to face him sooner or later, and now was as good a time as any.
He realized it was me before I could announce my presence. With my eyes on the gravel-lined ground, I let the sound of my name on his lips penetrate and then rip open the old wounds.
“Eden? Edie, is that really you?” His voice didn’t match his appearance. It was familiar, laced with a tenderness I could never forget. But his eyes—red-rimmed and glazed over—held the truth. He was a strung-out stranger.
“In the flesh.” My words strangled me as I made light of the situation, though it was anything but. I wouldn’t wish this kind of torture on my worst enemy, and yet here she was, experiencing it firsthand right along with me.
Lennox fought to break free of Violet’s hold. It wouldn’t have been a struggle for the old Lennox, his mass mightier than most. But in his new weakened state, it took force to pry my sister’s hands from his body.
Leaving her behind with a muffled string of curse words and an expression of agony written across her face, he stormed past her and marched toward me in slow motion. I witnessed it then. The destruction of Violet’s heart. I knew the exact pain she was feeling because I’d been on the receiving end of it three years ago. A better woman would have reached out to comfort her sister. Then again, if Violet had been a better woman, she wouldn’t have stolen her sister’s man and ruined his life.
I chose to ignore those demons and face the one in front of me.
Lennox closed the distance between us, but didn’t dare to come too close.
Our eyes met and my own heart broke all over again.
“What are you doing here?” He spoke in a subdued timbre as if to admit his shame. He looked down at his trembling hands and then quickly slipped them in his pockets.
I choked back a sob, knowing there’d be plenty of that later when I was alone reflecting on this dreadful reunion, and faked a smile. “I heard you needed some help.”
Lennox’s eyes narrowed with disdain. He turned back to Violet who was wallowing in a puddle of her own tears, and then whipped his head back to face me. Emerald eyes missing their sparkle of life scanned me from head to toe. They appraised me, judged me, tried their best to claim me. But those eyes had no more power over me. That magnetic energy was depleted the day he chose her and threw me aside.
“Let’s all go inside. We can talk in there.” Violet broke us of our trance as she rushed to join Lennox, hooking her arm through his.
Lennox withdrew, visibly irritated. “We need a minute,” he growled, not signifying exactly who made up this we he was talking about.
I graciously took that as my cue to give them their space and offered to get out of their way. “I’ll just grab my purse and wait inside. William isn’t home, is—”
“No. You stay.” Lennox pointed at me. “You. Back inside.” He looked over at Violet and thumbed in the direction of the house.
Violet’s face dropped and my eyes grew wide. I opened my mouth to object to his whole Neanderthal-like demonstration but Violet stalked off like a sullen child, up the stairs, slamming the door, and leaving Lennox and me alone for the first time in what seemed like forever.
WORDS ESCAPED ME AND MY brain went numb. It was as if my body was rejecting what I was imposing upon it. All systems were not go. They flashed with blinding red lights and warning sirens as if my subconscious knew being in this situation, with this person, was harmful to every single cell of my existence.
“Are you okay?” Lennox’s question sounded far off and fuzzy.
I blinked my eyes rapidly to right my foggy vision and drag it back to reality. “Yes. I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Because you look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
“I’m staring at one right now.” The retort escaped my lips without restraint.
“I could say the same thing.”
“I wouldn’t go that far. Time hasn’t been as good to you as it has me.” I scoffed, finding my nerve, and then discreetly inhaled a much needed lungful of air.
A smile curled the corner of Lennox’s mouth and his features softened. A vulnerability so sad and desperate crossed his face in that instant, almost wiping away any signs of abuse or his latest fix. “It’s good to see you, Edie.”
It should have been that simple. Two ex-lovers, a connection lost, a rekindling in the midst. But I had to face the reality of it all. There was nothing good about seeing Lennox this way, on these terms. He was a fool—or completely out of his mind—to think otherwise.
“I wish I could say the same.” It was a loaded response and I hoped he knew that.
“Then why are you here?”
“Because Viol—my sister—asked for my help.” Oh, yeah. I would play the two of them against each other if I had to. My fight or flight instinct was in full effect. I had no choice but to feign superiority, because if either of them saw a weakness, they’d take me down with them.
Lennox laughed then, a sound that brought back a flood of old memories. It wasn’t as vibrant or contagious as it once was, but it was still Lennox’s signature chest-rumble and it still filled me with warmth. The fact a junkie could do that to me was more than a little unsettling. “Since when do you give a shit about your sister?”
I should’ve known he’d be smart enough to see through that lie. Or maybe I thought he was too wasted to penetrate my façade. Either way, I was done with the small talk and too jarred to continue this mundane back and forth. We couldn’t pretend this was some happy revival of the good old days. No, this was nothing of the sort. I needed to treat this like a business transaction, or a pitch to one of my clients. No emotion, no ties, just get the job done.
“You know what, Lennox, you’re right. I don’t give a shit about Violet, and I definitely don’t give a shit about you. I’m not quite sure why I’m standing here right now wasting my time. Why don’t we go inside and figure this shit out so I can say goodbye for good and pretend this never happened.”
With that, I slung my purse over my shoulder and stalked toward the house with Lennox in my wake.
I wasn’t sure if I simply imagined it or if the depths of my brokenhearted soul hoped it to be true, but before I got too far away I could swear I heard Lennox whisper, “I’ve missed you so much, Eden.”