Past
SHORTLY AFTER EDEN GAVE LENNOX the two-bit tour of our shithole, they settled in the best they could and we came together in the musty living room to have the sit down my sister forced upon us.
“So, what do you think?” Eden beamed.
I didn’t know what to think. There was so much said, so much to wrap my head around, too much to decide.
“This’s a lot to process, E.” Even that was an understatement. And although the answer to her proposition should’ve flown off my tongue without a moment’s hesitation, a decision like this couldn’t be made impulsively.
Eden’s caramel eyes darted from mine to Lennox’s before she started in again. “Promise me you’re at least thinking about it. I know it’s not what we had planned, but . . . Well, what do you have planned?”
She had a point there, but I’d be damned if I admitted that. “You know I don’t think past the day I’m in.”
Lennox looked down at his hands and chuckled, obviously taking a liking to my snarky response. I found it hard to believe Eden wore the pants in their relationship, being he was a big, husky football player and all, but every time I disagreed with my sister or challenged her in any way, his lips curled up at the ends and sort of egged me on.
He and I shared a furtive, mischievous glance before Eden brought us both back to reality. “Well, it’s about time you do. We’re not kids anymore, Violet. William has no hold over us, no rights even. I’m offering you something . . . We’re offering you something anyone in your position would accept with zero reservations.”
While she was right, as always, her summation of what little my future promised pricked deep. Knowing she considered me a hopeless cause without her and Lennox’s charity made me want to numb myself for days on end. A stiff drink, a random fuck buddy, a few pills to alleviate the pain of hearing my hero admit I was a failure.
I shot up from my seat on the couch, suddenly defensive and in need of a smoke. “You’re a real fucking buzzkill. You know that?” My choice of words sucked, but they were true. The initial joy that surged through my veins from the reunion with my sister and then the official introduction to Lennox was ripped away by this entire conversation.
Yanking a cigarette from the pack on top of the TV, I lit up and sucked in a long puff of the soothing poison. Staring out the window, listening to silence in the form of words and insults unspoken, my anger dissipated and the truth set it. I’d be stupid not to take them up on their offer. What did I have to lose? My pride was already holding on by a thread as a result of so many prior fuckups and poor decisions. This house was not a home, as Eden had always put it. And my father was the furthest thing from a parent to either of us. Why should I stay? Why shouldn’t I leave this shithole and follow Eden and Lennox on their journey to fulfill their dreams? I had none of my own to consider. I was a realist, not the romantic my sister had always been. I had no grand plans for the future, nothing to look forward to or wake up every day and strive for. I should go. Leave. Never look back.
What the hell was holding me back from saying yes?
“Violet.” His voice broke me from my mental struggle; calmed my warring mind with its soft but masculine tone.
I spun to face him. He’d risen from the couch and come to join me at the window. Eden was still stoic in her seat on the sunken-in couch. She kneaded her hands together, her lips a straight line. She’d offered me a future and yet here I was wanting to hate her for it. Would I always have to be saved by Eden?
“What?” I barked, taking my problems with my sister out on Lennox.
Lennox stared down at our feet for a moment and then fixed his eyes back on me, sympathy bleeding from every fleck of magnificent green. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed before he spoke softly. “Eden told me all about your childhood. About Agnes and Wi—Hell, I don’t even want to speak the bastard’s name.” He paused, his fists balling at his sides at the mention of my father. The anger was fleeting, however, when he referred to my other parent. “I know about your mom, Violet. I know about it all. All the hurt, and neglect—shit, no child should have to suffer at the hands of the people who are supposed to love her most.”
Memories came flooding in, and out of nowhere, so did the tears. They didn’t come often because I was a master at forcing them away, but there was something about the compassion in Lennox’s voice, how much he loved my sister, what he’d helped her overcome . . . My heart could only handle so much in one day and it was teeming with emotion.
“It’s all your fault, you little shit! All your fault.” His breath was stinky, like that stuff he liked to drink out of those brown glass bottles. The white parts of his eyes were all watery and red. He looked like a monster. But his words were the scariest. They always were. Why did he hate me so much?
“I-I-I’m sorry.” I put my hands in front of my face, shaking because he was so close. Too close. And so angry. I didn’t even know what I was apologizing for, but sometimes when I did he went away and left me alone. Until he was angry again.
“No! Stop!” Eden ran in with a slam of the screen door, shoving herself between me and our father before he could use his hands for more hurt. “Get away from her!”
She’d come to my rescue so many times I’d gotten used to expecting her to appear out of nowhere, like now. She was magic.
“Shut up! Stay out of this. This is between me and her.” Daddy shoved her aside, but Eden didn’t fall. She was so strong. I wanted to be just like her when I grew up. Daddy didn’t yell at her as much. I wanted that, too. Eden was my hero.
“No,” she bit out. “I’m here now. Just go away . . . Sleep it off . . . She didn’t do anything.” Eden looked around the kitchen and noticed the mess I’d made. She didn’t look angry at me. Just scrunched her eyes into small slits as she spoke to him.
Daddy’s grip on my arms wasn’t as tight anymore. I escaped and ran into her arms, explaining about the mess. “I was trying to make dinner for all of us. I wanted to help. I couldn’t reach the plates up on the shelf so I used the chair and . . . and . . . I fell and broke a few.”
Eden pulled me closer and kissed the top of my head. She was only a few years older than me, but she felt warm and safe. What I imagined Mama would feel like. “It’s okay, V. I’m here now. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“The hell she didn’t,” Daddy growled like a mad dog. He reminded me of the old mutt Agnes used to have. Eden said he got sick with rabies and had to go live on a farm. Maybe Daddy should go live on that farm, too. Get the mad out of him.
“Go grab the broom, Violet. William, go back to bed.” There was no love in her voice when she spoke to him. She didn’t even call him Daddy anymore. Sometimes that made him angrier. Sometimes it made him laugh in that way that made us feel unimportant. Other times he just did what Eden said like she was the real boss of this house.
Today was not one of those times, though. Today it looked like he wanted to be the boss.
“Whatsa matter, girl? Too proud to call me Daddy? Even that one does.” He pointed his thumb my way, wearing that hateful expression he always put on around me. “She’s got loyalty even if I don’t want it. Oughta give her that much. Or maybe she’s just stupid. Don’t know better.” He laughed through a cold smile. I didn’t know if what he was saying was good or bad. He never had anything nice to say about me, so I had to believe he was just talking nonsense as usual.
I cowered behind Eden as he swayed back and forth, walking closer to us. When I could smell his breath again, he shoved a finger into Eden’s chest. “Not like your stubborn ass. You ain’t got no Mama because of her and yet you still defend her.”
“Enough,” Eden whispered, her voice was wobbly this time like she was trying to be braver than she really was.
“You don’t get to tell me when enough’s enough!” Daddy charged, his hands hungry to inflict pain on one of us. He was pretty mad at Eden so I imagined they’d land on her, but as usual, they found me instead. It was always me he wanted to hurt. “She’s gone because of you!”
“Ouch!” I cried when he yanked my braid and pulled. Hard. “You’re hurting me. Please, Daddy. Stop!” I wanted to be strong like Eden, but the back of my neck burned and pinched as he tugged and the tears started to fall before I could beg them not to.
Eden tried to wrestle with him, but his fingers only wrapped tighter around my hair. “Leave her alone, you . . . animal! Just leave her alone!”
“I won’t. I won’t rest until she pays for what she’s done!” This was usually when Daddy cried, too. Whenever he talked about Mama, the meanness disappeared and sadness took its place. It was also when he got tired and floppy—my chance to break away from his grasp.
I pulled free and when he let go of my braid his hand fell to his side as if he were giving up. Still scared he’d grab me again, I hid behind Eden. She protected me by standing taller and screaming at Daddy with words I’d heard my whole life but hadn’t quite understood until recently. “Mama’s death was not her fault. It was an accident, God’s plan, and she’s way better off where she is rather than here with you!”
“You shut your mouth. You shut it before I shut it for you!” When Daddy was mean and sad together, Eden called his words idle threats. She told me that meant what he said was worthless, an attempt to scare us. I wanted to believe her, but it did scare me. It made me worry that he would hurt Eden, too. It made me wish I hadn’t ever been born.
I cried some more, pressing my wet face against Eden’s back. When I peeked around her body I saw Daddy sitting on the floor with his back against the cabinets, hugging his knees to his chest. With his body in the shape of a ball, he rocked back and forth, next to the broken plates on the kitchen floor.
“Come on,” Eden whispered, turning her back on Daddy and wrapping her arm around my shoulders. She led me to the back door beside the pantry, telling me everything would be okay. “He’ll peter out soon and crawl back to bed or head to the bar.”
“But what about dinner?”
“Don’t worry about that right now.” We made it to the backyard where Eden had set out a blanket to do her homework outside in the sun. She loved being outside whenever she could. I think she just wanted to be as far from Daddy as possible.
Sitting down next to a pile of Eden’s papers, I picked at a weed sprouting from a patch of grass that had lost its greenness. “Eden?”
“Yeah?”
“Why did you lie?”
She sat next to me and lifted my chin with her finger so I would look at her. “What are you talking about? I didn’t lie.”
I blinked to get rid of the tears, but I couldn’t. I wanted to be strong for Eden, but we weren’t the same. I was the weak link, like Daddy said. That would never change. “Yes, you did. You said it wasn’t my fault, but I know it is. I’m old enough now. I understand. Mama died the day I was born. It’s my fault Daddy’s so angry. He misses her and I took her away from him.”
This time I didn’t even try to blink them back. I let the tears flow mercilessly with Lennox as a witness. My shoulders shook as I sobbed, remembering just one of hundreds of instances in which I was forced to take blame for my father’s shortcomings and failures. I cried because I allowed him to make me believe I was at fault. I cried because my heart ached for a monster. I cried because I had daddy issues and had become a clichéd statistic.
“Hey. Don’t cry.” His warm breath crept up behind me, his large hands gripping my bare shoulders. My first instinct was to flinch—a reaction to similar calloused hands on younger, more innocent skin. But at the realization that Lennox wanted to comfort me, my mind quickly coaxed my body to ease.
“I’m sorry. I’m okay now.” I swiped at the embarrassing display of weakness. Turning around, I looked first into the depths of Lennox’s deep green orbs and then to Eden’s tear stained cheeks. I knew then that these two people were the only ones capable of giving me the shot I needed to get my act together and have any chance at a normal future. They were the only two people in the world who cared. I didn’t know why I deserved their empathy after all I’d done, but Eden was right—I’d be an idiot not to accept their offer. So without further thought or hesitation, I agreed. “Yes. I’ll come with you. It’s time to finally get the hell out of here.”
Lennox brought me in for a hug that should’ve felt nothing more than brotherly. Eden stood to take part in the act of affection, the three of us creating an unspoken pact.
I should have been thrilled. I should have basked in the glory of Lennox’s acceptance and my sister’s willingness to share her most prized possession with me. This wasn’t the kind of gift you took for granted. It was the sort of thing you thanked your lucky stars for, held close to your heart and promised to cherish forever.
Only, when you’d never experienced generosity and love of this magnitude, you didn’t know what to do with it and there was a chance, as with anything so delicate and beautiful, you’d destroy it as soon as you got your hands on it.