Night lights illuminated Gideon’s bedroom, Gunner and Rage were asleep in the playpen. Sawyer snuffled in his sleep from the bassinet beside the bed. She knew Sawyer normally co-slept with Stacey and Bernie, but she was terrified she would roll over on him. The puppies were curled up in a box with blankets and a heating pad. Everyone was settled in for the night, and she was pacing.

She was mortified about how she’d reacted to the kiss. She twisted a lock of her hair around her finger and tugged until her scalp stung. The slight pain didn’t help, she wanted—needed more, but she wouldn’t do it. She roughly twisted her hair up and secured it with a tie from around her wrist.

“Want to talk about it?”

She spun to find Gideon framed in the doorway and then dropped her gaze, he was shirtless with his chest and rounded stomach covered in thick, red hair catching her gaze.

What was she going to do? All she could remember was the kisses. She’d loved the feel of his mustache and beard, the warmth of his big body. He was solid and made her feel safe, her body had responded, and she hadn’t known how to handle it. She didn’t understand pleasure. It was foreign and terrifying. No one had ever touched her like Gideon had.

He’d held her in his strong arms, wanted to be closer to her and she wanted more but hadn’t known what to do. She didn’t want him to think she was stupid or pathetic.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“What’s on your mind?”

“Do you think I’m stupid or pathetic?”

“Never,” he shouted, but when he spoke next, his voice was barely above a whisper. “You’re neither of those things.”

“I’m twenty-nine, and I’m…I should’ve—”

“Grab the baby monitor and come with me, I’ll make you hot chocolate.”

She nodded, grabbed the monitor, and followed him down to the kitchen. Gideon only turned on the hood light over the stove. She watched him move around and gather what he needed.

“Don’t you have to be up early?”

He patted the counter next to the stove.

“Have a seat here. I work for myself, and I really don’t have much to do on the weekends.”

She approached him and let him lift her onto the counter. He had done it earlier too, and while she had waited for the terror to overtake her, it hadn’t come. She loved when he touched her. Fleeting caresses she could almost pretend didn’t happen. And as brief as they were, they made her feel wanted—needed.

His damp hair curled around his ears and at his nape. She fisted her hands to keep herself from reaching out. It was almost embarrassing how much she loved his scent. She inhaled through her nose and closed her eyes as she let out a sigh. It didn’t matter if he had just come in from working or after a shower.

“Now, tell me what’s going on in your head.”

“I self-harm.”

“I noticed the scars while you were in the hospital. Are you feeling the need to?”

She wondered if he’d judge her, look at her with pity in his eyes, and realize just how broken she pretended not to be.

“Yes. I promised Kyle I wouldn’t do it anymore, so, I found a loophole.”

“Bill?”

She had a moment where she wanted to deny it, but it would be a lie, and he’d know it.

“Yes. I tried to break it off a year ago after my last suicide attempt. Told him not to come around.”

“If rumors around town are right, he still makes you his favorite target.”

“I knew what would happen, I anticipated the pain. The humiliation. It’s not what I wanted yet at the same time it was.”

“You turned him into your razor.”

She nodded and dropped her gaze to her lap.

“Harper, you don’t need the pain.”

“I know, but I don’t know how to accept pleasure, simple kindness. My secrets, the things I want are the opposite of what I asked—”

“You didn’t ask for it, baby.”

“Yes, I did. He uses me. Leaves me reminders painted in bruises and pain. Earlier, you…you treated me like I mattered. I didn’t know what to do. I’ve always been the Powers Freak. It was bad enough when they bullied the gay kid, but when I came out as trans and wore my first dress…bought makeup, they beat me.” She paused on a sob. “They—”

Gideon was there, his hands gently cupped her cheeks, and kissed away the tears on her cheeks. She couldn’t stop her choked cries, and each time a sob broke her breathing, he kissed her. His lips firm and gentle, he whispered words she could barely hear, but the emotion in his voice continued to break her. Each side of her warred with the other, the one that told her she deserved it for not being normal and the other which dreamed of having someone like Gideon to love and accept her. It was a battle without end.

“Baby, you’re okay, you’re perfect as is. If I could change anything about you, it would be for you to see how amazing you are.” Another kiss. “How sweet. So innocent despite the hell you’ve been through.”

She wrapped herself around him, buried her face against his chest, and inhaled. It was home and comfort, caring. The hair teased her skin and nose, she barely resisted turning her head to stroke her cheeks over the thick mat.

“Would you sleep with me instead of in the guest room?”

“Is that what you want?”

She nodded then tilted her head to rest her chin on his chest. His fingers combed through her hair, gently tugging.

“Okay, but it’s just sleep, don’t try to take advantage of me.” His voice was serious, but his eyes shimmered with amusement.

She snorted and then giggled as he kissed the tip of her nose.

“I think I can resist…barely.”

“Good girl, still want the hot chocolate or bed?”

“Maybe we should sleep. Gunner and Rage are late sleepers, but Sawyer and the puppies are going to want their bottles soon.”

“Power nap it is, just let me put everything away.”

She reluctantly released him, but observed him as he moved around the kitchen putting away the milk, sugar, and cocoa. The vanilla went above the coffeemaker where it had taken up residence since she moved in. He’d noticed her putting it in her coffee the first morning.

It was the little things he did that she noticed the most. Those touches. The way he kept her stocked with the peach and mint tea, or a travel mug of coffee beside the bed when she woke up. He picked her flowers. It was all so odd but in a good way. He claimed he wanted to date her. She hadn’t dated before. She didn’t understand the expectations.

“Quit thinking so hard, baby, it’ll all work itself out. We’ll do a picnic lunch tomorrow so the kids can wear themselves out running around outside.”

“Sounds nice.”

He lifted her off the counter and set her on her feet. She almost protested when he turned her and nudged her toward the staircase. Typically, she hated people behind her, but Gideon was different. She held her long gown up as she ascended the steps and quietly entered the bedroom. She checked to make sure everyone was still settled. Luckily, they were, she really needed a nap before chasing around after them all afternoon.

She crawled onto the left side of the bed and snuggled in under the covers. Before she could give in to her nervousness Gideon was beside her, his body flushed to hers, and his arm cradling her head. She felt the tender kiss to the crown of her head. She closed her eyes, savored his warmth and, for the first time in years, she didn’t fight sleep or worry about the nightmares to come.