Tristan kissed her baby’s head and handed him off to Ty, a smile beaming from ear to ear. She looked right at Scout, an open hand directed right to her. “How about this kid? That’s what I’m talking about. I’ve always been a vegetarian, but not vegan. Not until a few months ago when I heard this brave little girl stand up for these living creatures in front of a huge crowd. I did watch the video Scout had, and you should too. At least watch it and then decide. Don’t be one of those people who say, nope, not looking at it because you love bacon. Thank you for being a way shower, Scout. Keep it up, girl.
“That being said, first I want to thank each of you for being here. This never gets old, and we keep growing and growing because you keep growing and growing. You all keep going out there and being the light bringers, showing people there is another way.”
Again, I leaned over to Ryle. “What’s she doing?”
And again, he said the same thing, the same proud smile but this time directed at Tristan. “Changing the world.”
Tristan took in a deep breath like she was searching for courage, or the right words maybe, her eyes closing with the breath. “We are living in a world of rapid change, but on a whole other level. Blinders are being removed, veils are being lifted, and lives are being transformed. I’m not teaching anything here, guys. I’m just a messenger, reminding you of the things you already know. Things you’ve let other people talk you out of. All I want is for you to get it back.”
I looked back when I heard someone from the back shout a question. A simple, ‘why’?
Tristan’s eyes moved to the voice and a small smile crossed her lips. “That’s actually the question I’m asked the most. Why? Why am I doing this? Why is this so important to me? What’s in it for me?” she said, questioning herself, one shoulder shrugging. “Because it’s time. It’s time for all of us to stop making excuses and fix it. Nobody is going to fix it for us. It has to start with the one in the mirror. It’s so simple yet people make it so hard. All you have to do is be the person you want everyone else to be, and hold strong to that. Let them make fun of you. Let them call you crazy. Let them make you different. You are. We all are, and we’re not supposed to be the same. Just do what’s right. No matter what they say or what they do. In all aspects of your life, do what is right, and you don’t need to be taught how.
“You know. You already know. I’ve said this many times and I’ll say it again… smart people seem crazy to ignorant people, but if and when they’re ready, they’ll hear. If not, then it’s not your journey. It’s not your path. It’s not your experience. Just keep doing you. The rest of the world will eventually catch up. It may take a few more lifetimes, but they’ll eventually get it.”
Tristan dropped to her butt and crossed her legs with a short laugh. “I’m coming back as fairy next time. Some amazing exotic island far, far away from earth. I’m never signing up for this again,” she joked.
At least, I thought she was joking. Everyone laughed anyway. I felt Ryle’s thumb sway back and forth on my hip just above the top of my jeans, and I leaned into him. Like it was the most natural thing in the world, like we’d been in love for years, like we were the last two pieces needed to complete a puzzle. Not only did I not understand him, I didn’t understand this thing between us. Remembering one of the exercises I’d been given in my notebook, I thought about the things I’d been through in my life, wondering, while asking myself questions I would have never even thought about before. My eyes shifted from Ryle’s hand on my leg back to Tristan, swearing she’d just pulled my thoughts right out of my mind.
“Life hands you so many pieces of the puzzle it isn’t even funny, but once you realize it’s just an experience and nothing more, you can use that to your advantage. You have so much power and you don’t even realize it. Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you are absolutely right. I’ve been around eighty-year-olds who you don’t dare ask how they are. Not if you don’t want their medical records from nineteen-fifty and on. I’ve also climbed mountains with eighty-year-olds.
“Once you stop playing victim and open your mind to possibilities you never even seen coming, amazing things happen. Doors open, you fall in love, you let go, you forgive, you stop judging, you don’t even know what envy or jealousy is, you don’t need laws because your heart is so full you’d never hurt a fly, you’re not afraid anymore, if you’ll just realize they’re only pieces to the puzzle, you fly, you suddenly care about what you’re putting in your body, and you stop caring about what other people think. You don’t need a title or a position at the top of Wall Street to define who you are. You start making your own decisions and rely less on things you can take care of yourself. You stop depending on an unbending system that doesn’t support you, nor anyone you love. I’m telling you guys, once you start asking those questions you’re going to find answers that will rock your world.
“Be the strange couple practicing Tantra together. Be that weirdo who looks up to the stars and asks questions about life. Like, what the hell am I doing here? Stop defending corruption and defend peace. Stop going along with it. Stand up for something and say no. Do something. Anything. Step away from the fear and realize the power you have. You’re not a consumer, you’re not a customer, you’re not a baseball player, you’re not a police officer, you’re not a republican or a democrat, you’re not a CEO, or a clock number. You’re not a nurse, or a programmer. You’re not a religion. You’re not black or white. You’re not fat or skinny. You’re a human. We’re all humans living in a time where humanity seems to be forgotten.
“I’m going to get off that soapbox right now to keep from getting into a bunch of political bullshit that infuriates me. Just like anyone, I’m a work in progress. It does affect me, and that’s the struggle I’m dealing with right now. This is what I mean, guys. They’re just experiences, nothing to get excited about. I can’t physically watch the news. I can’t mentally take it because I haven’t quite learned to let that be their world and not mine. It does make me angry, but I’m getting better. Like now,” she teased. “Done, moving on.”
Tristan coughed out something sounding an awful lot like ‘stupid fuckers’, gaining a laugh from the crowd.
“Anyway. We’re all in this together, and the way it’s going to spread is by living it. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but once you start, there’s no turning back. Once you’re awake, there’s no going back to sleep. You’re going to strive to be the best you that you can possibly be every single day. And you get there from right here. You start right now. You don’t accidently eat that Big Mac, you don’t give into the urge to speak your mind about something that has absolutely nothing to do with you. No matter what your parents or teachers told you, let go of the paradigms. Kids don’t, and never will, do what they’re told. They’ll always do what they’re shown. You don’t want them involved in drama, don’t be the mom right there in the middle. It is hard, but it’s not your fault. You’ve just been doing what everyone around us did. You haven’t had anyone to guide you, because they didn’t have anyone to guide them. You’ve been trying to figure it out on your own your entire life, but you know what it is. You know where to find it, and you know what I’m talking about. Everyone has those moments where just for a second you pause, and your ego shuts off. It’s those times you look in the mirror and you ask yourself, ‘what the hell am I doing’? It’s the times you see something you know isn’t right, but you still turn your head.
“We’ve let the distractions become our lives instead of living them. And for what? A game of Candy Crush, a Facebook status, a tweet? Is it really worth it? How many times does your child have to say mom before you look at the picture she painted, or the one foot he’s hopping on? You want likes and shares? Do something that matters to get them. Share something that makes someone smile, or maybe a quote somebody could really use right now. Share something that makes people stop and think. Share something that makes a difference.
“Whether you believe in the law of attraction or not, it’s working. It’s doing exactly what it’s supposed to do. If you want to spread drama, you’re going to get it back. If you spread nothing but light and love, guess what you’re going to get back? Exactly. If you’re being a shitty person, you’re going to attract shitty people. It’s no different than the law of gravity. You don’t have to believe in that either, but it’s still going to work for you. If you don’t believe me, go up to the top of this waterfall here and jump. Like attracts like and as long as we keep doing what we’re doing, we’re going to keep getting what we’re getting. It can’t work any other way, and you’re not going to learn that in school.
“And this is why you’re here. Therefore, I’m here. This is why I do this, because we can change. We can stop living in their rat-race. I don’t know about you, but I don’t need much to be happy. My baby, my guy. That’s about it. We can figure the rest out together. When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. It starts right here. It starts with you. It starts with these kids.”
Tristan sat in front of the crowd with her legs crossed, her long skirt drooped over her knees, and a serious expression rested on her face. All I could do was sit in awe and watch, my mouth agape in wonder and amazement. Her eyes moved and locked with people as though she was speaking directly to them, and then they moved to me, her voice softening as she spoke.
“Once you start controlling what you let into your mind, you control what comes into your life. It can’t work anyway else, guys. Without going into the boring metaphysics part of the equation, you should all know by what you learned in school is that everything is energy, but what does that really mean? What if I told you it was the thoughts you think every single day? You’re getting back whatever you’re putting out there. If you’re involved in daily drama, guess what you’re getting back? If you’re sitting around thinking about how sick you are, guess what you’re getting back? If you’re putting your bipolar diagnosis on Facebook for everyone to think about, too, guess what you’re getting back? If you’re standing around in a circle talking about your family or friends in a negative way, guess what you’re getting back?
“It can’t work any other way. If you want more money, more opportunities, a school bus house, whatever it is you want to attract into your life, think about that. It’s hard at first. It’s so hard, and I know what you’re thinking. Great, now I have to keep track of all my thoughts on top of everything else I have to worry about? It does seem that way at first but realizing it is the first step. Once you can recognize that, you can change it. I’m sure you’ve heard it before, but I’ll say it again. You can’t plant potatoes and harvest corn. You can’t turn the television to channel five and watch what’s on channel eight. You can’t tune into to 91.1 and listen to 101.3.”
Tristan held my gaze and although she spoke directly to me, I was sure her words related to a lot of people there. “Things happen. Bad things happen to all of us. We lose loved ones, we marry assholes, best friends die, and we think there is absolutely no way we can think about anything positive. We run smack into brick walls and we feel crushed, unable to crawl out of the hole we’ve usually dug ourselves into. The problem is, you let them paralyze you. You think your life is over because of your experiences, but it’s not. It’s just that. An experience. Stop taking life so seriously and take it for what it is. It’s just an experience. If you look at the things that happen to you as your destiny, or what you deserve, then you’re going to keep thinking you’re unworthy, and you’re going to keep getting what you’re getting. If you think you deserve bad things and that’s what you’re focusing all your energy on, you have to get bad things. You can’t drop two rocks and tell gravity to only work on one, any more than you can think and feel a bad thought into a good outcome.
“You think you have to feel sadness, anxiety, or worthlessness because of the bad things you’ve done. Why on earth would you think you have the right to smile when you did drugs with your friend and she died? How is it okay to be happy after you’ve lost a child, one you feel responsible for? What right do you have to be happy?”
I swallowed away a lump, silently begging my tears to stay while I held her stare. There was no doubt who she was speaking to this time, and there was no denying I felt exactly how she said I should feel. It wasn’t right for me to be sitting here with Ryle and Scout, pretending like this was me, like I could honestly do this. Jaycee didn’t get to. Little Quinn didn’t get to. What right did I have to go on without them like I didn’t have a care in the world? None. I had no right.
“You think these horrible things happen to you because you’re a bad person, and you’re certainly not worthy of it, or are you? What if it was nothing more than a destination lesson? One of those moments you don’t see coming. Those are the ones I like to call destination lessons. When you find yourself in a place you didn’t see coming, you pay attention. It’s a place that takes up every single inch of your mind. Something that has knocked the air from your lungs and buckled your knees, a tragedy you get stuck in. That’s the place you deserve to be; stuck in tragedy.
“This is your ego, my friend. The bigger you, inside the little you, already knows this. You came here to be happy and nothing more. If you only take one thing from this talk, take that. Be happy. Because happy people control their ego, not the other way around. Happy people don’t commit crimes. Happy people don’t rape girls. Happy people don’t need drugs. Happy people have lots of friends. Happy people love hard and from the heart, not the ego. Happy people don’t need labels attached to their names or their clothes. Happy people want everyone to be happy. Happy people give kids their undivided attention. Happy people don’t beat themselves up over experiences. Happy people control what they let into their mind, and that’s the difference.
“You might come back to this planet and live it again, but I can guarantee you, you’re not getting this life again. The best thing you can do for yourself and humanity is to be happy. I didn’t say it was going to happen overnight and I’d be lying if I said it would, but I will say this. Once you start paying attention to your thoughts, you’ll be able to move right on around that obstacle. You won’t feel the need to marry a guy who you think is safe just to keep yourself from loving too hard because it’s less painful. You won’t feel the need to bust the windows out of a bus with a hammer because loving that hard hurts. You won’t keep the wall up to keep from living the best life you can live. You won’t. I can promise you that. It’s okay to love again. It’s okay to love so hard you feel like your heart is going to explode. Love everyone you meet that hard, laugh, and enjoy the little things. Someday you’ll wish you had seen more flowers and butterflies than coworkers.
“Keep doing what you’re doing and you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. It’s your choice. You can look up and see the dark cloud, or you can see the sun. You can look up and see a black sky, or you can see the stars. Once you master that, everything that happens in your life is nothing more than a hiccup. You might feel the impact, but it won’t overpower you like it would before. Sure, you’ll still feel sad, you’ll still feel pain, you’ll still get angry, but you won’t stay there.
“Before you know it, you’ll be able to think the thought and move on to something else. Anything else. Daisies, that amazing waterfall up there, these peculiar little kids, or a walk with the trees. That thing won’t keep you down like it did before and you’ll be controlling your ego instead of the other way around. Ask yourself one question. Is this coming from the big me or the little me? Your ego or your heart? It’s that simple. Black or white. You’re going to have triggers, and you’re always going to have things come up, but you don’t have to give in to them. You can choose to see the sun, you can choose to see the stars, and it’s okay to be happy.
“When you take the steps in that direction, doors open, negative people tend to disappear from your life, people who love from their whole heart suddenly show up, the things around you change, and you begin to see things in a whole new light. You realize you do have a choice. Instead of asking ‘why me’, ask ‘what now’. Stop trying to punish yourself. If you feel like your life has been wasted, change it. Stop wasting it. Stop trying to be a certain way for someone else’s happiness. Stop trying to change someone else to make yourself happier. You’re the only one responsible for your happiness. Not your husband, not your parents, not your kids, not your job, not your financial state; nothing or no one, but you.
“When you take responsibility for that, you start to break out of the cocoon. A butterfly couldn’t even fly without change. How do you think you can? It’s okay to fly. It’s okay to be happy. It’s okay to be in love. Nobody is judging you here. You want the love of your life to show up, start thinking about him. Feel him or her with everything in you. Visualize the fun, the laughter, the connection. You want money? Do the same thing. Go look at your dream house, write down the details, pretend it’s already here. Expect the things you want in your life to show up. Know with everything in your heart incredible things are headed your way. Believe it with everything in you and watch what happens.
“Be childlike. Be like these kids here. Not a care in the world. Do you really think they’re sitting around worrying about what the government is up to now? You can tell them you can’t pay the electric bill, but they’re not going to worry about it. They’re going to go wade in the creek, maybe build a dam. When you learn to think about the things you want while you’re in that state of mind, you can have anything you want. You can’t attract good things from a place of despair. You can only attract more despair. Be who you want to be, but make sure you are who you want to draw into your life. It’s your order and you’re putting it out there with every single thought. Choose them carefully.”
The entire field was full of quiet people, even the kids. Everyone stared up at Tristan, taking in every word she said, including me. She had a way of making you see things in a whole new way. Feeling like she was right, and I’d always known what she was saying, I wondered who taught me to forget. My parents, my teachers, the preacher from the church Danny insisted we go to twice a year. Easter and Christmas mornings. Even my Aunt Jo taught me to be like everyone else, don’t stand out, and always take the safe road.
“Again, I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. I’m not teaching you anything. I’m telling you the answers are already inside of you. Be quiet and listen to them, think about what you want rather than what you don’t want, and for God’s sake, love like you’ve never loved before. Go with the flow, always take the path of least resistance, and live. Don’t forget to be humble, be grateful, and be a way shower. Be so freaking happy you make everyone around you want to be just like you. Always be a kid at heart.”
Tristan went into a question and answer segment, answering questions about her plans with the campground, the community she was so excited about, and once again the importance of the kids. She got a little sidetracked on politics for a minute, and finished up with more gratitude, introducing Paul and Jenna, our next entertainment.
Clapping for the singing duet, I turned when Tristan sat beside me, first kissing Ty and then taking her baby. “How the hell do you know this stuff?”
Tristan smiled and bumped my arm with hers. “I learned to listen to my big me. You can do it, too. It should be coming up in your notebook.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You’ll see.”
“Oh great. More yoga.”
The amazing voices, and Scout standing to dance kept me from thinking too deep. That girl… Within minutes, she had half the people standing, dancing and clapping to the old song, Proud Mary, a song she shouldn’t even know.
We listened to a few songs from them, and then another speaker began waking us up to what was really going on in the pharmaceutical world. A vegan chef went next, explaining even more about the nutrition we were blinded by, a deception for power and control, of course. Always about money. Next came high school kids, talking about the homes they’d been making in Detroit with plastic bottles, sand, and water.
Just after nine, Tristan stood and pulled me to my feet. “Come on you two. We’re up.”
Questioning what we were up for, I stood with her, remembering this tantra thing she was so excited about. “Up for what?”
She looked past me to Ryle, ignoring my question. “We have to take Baby-T up to Nana Mae. Do you want to go up to the bus, Scout?”
“No way. I’m going to sing with Jenna. She said I could.”
God, I loved that kid. She made me forget all about everything, she made me want to be just like her, and for that, she had my whole heart.
Ryle took my hand and led me toward the large tee-pee, replying to Tristan’s back like I wasn’t even there. “We’ll see you there. We’ll be back in an hour, Scout. If you need anything, Toni or Annie can come and get me.”
“Why would I need you?”
I was sort of thinking the same thing, unsure of just leaving her alone to run around all these people after dark. Not that I’d met one I was worried about, but still.
“I don’t know. You might miss me.”
Scout giggled, her shoulders bouncing with the laugh. “I won’t.”
Ryle growled at her with gnarly teeth, one foot stomping toward her, causing her to scream and jump into to Teddy Bear. “I’ll see you in a little while.”
As soon as we were away from earshot of people, I pulled back on Ryle’s hand. I only meant to stop him, not spin myself into his arms. The strong words I’d rehearsed in my mind cowered, sounding quiet and vulnerable instead of demanding and powerful. “Where are we going?”
His words were just as quiet as mine, soft and sultry. “I can’t tell you. You won’t go.”
“Is that fair?”
“No, but it doesn’t matter as long as you trust me. I promise you’re about to have your world rocked like you’ve never felt before.”
I swallowed a dry lump, nervously sliding my hands in to the back pockets of my jeans. “Are you talking about sex?”
“Sort of, but not the way you’re thinking.”
“There’s more than one way?”
“Oh yeah. Just you wait.”
“Ryle, we don’t even know each other.”
“Bullshit. We know enough and you know it. You’re just trying to scare your way back to your safe little bubble, but I’m not going to let you. The door’s wide open, Atlantis, and I’m holding it for you. All you have to do is walk through it.”
My eyes shifted to his when he took a step back, pretended to turn the handle, and opened the imaginary door. It took a moment of deep breathing and then a sigh, but I did it. I took the step through a door I had no idea where it led. I trusted the door, I trusted Ryle, and I trusted myself.