When I opened my eyes the following morning Scout was gone and I was still floating on a cloud, pinching myself in my mind. A smile I couldn’t seem to shake stayed planted on my face, and I knew it wasn’t a dream. I got up and split the curtain to a bright sun cascading through the treetops. Another beautiful October day I was grateful for. The trees were still green for the most part, some yellowing, but there was no doubt they were changing. A fall foliage loomed in the near future, and I was going to be there to see it.
I grinned at myself, shaking my head while thinking about Tristan. She was right. I had lots to be thankful for, but I had never said thank you. I’d never even given a sun pouring through the trees any thought, let alone feel grateful for them, but I was. Pouring water into the pan on the wood burner, I heated water to wash my hair. Even though I knew I didn’t have to, I took a little more time getting ready that morning. The scent of lavender from my hair kept me from washing it again, but I might have shaved my legs. My hair was down, and I even wore the pair of jeans I’d gotten at the thrift store. The ones I was sure would fit but didn’t. They were a little snug for working on the bus, but not too tight for trying to look good for Ryle.
Tucking my shirt into my jeans, I turned to the tapping on the glass door, an instant smile expressing my delight. “Tristan! Oh, my God. Get in here. You’re not going to believe what happened last night.”
“You stayed up half the night sitting on the hood of Ryle’s bus and you kissed. A lot.”
My mouth dropped in surprise. “You were spying?”
Tristan brushed past me and poured the boiling water over my waiting teabag, fixing us both a hot cup of tea. Something else I seemed to be grateful for. It took a few tries, but I finally found one I loved. Raspberry green tea. Tristan tried at least a half dozen teas trying to get me to like it. Believe you me, I gave her plenty of shit about it. Just because coffee with lots of cream and sugar wasn’t her thing, didn’t mean it wasn’t mine. I never even thought about coffee anymore. Not at all.
“I did, but only out the window. Ty wouldn’t let me go out there so I could hear what you were saying. Tell me!”
The fifty butterflies fluttering in the bottom of my stomach kept me from being mad at her. “I don’t know what the hell happened. I’m so lost right now.”
“No, you’re not. You’re right where you’re supposed to be and you look hot. I have a jean jacket that will look really cute with those jeans.”
I took the cup, sipping the hot tea with excitement I couldn’t control. “Something’s happening. Like two people aren’t this connected in reality.”
Speaking to me over the brim of her cup, Tristan blew the hot steam. “Depends on whose reality you want to live in. This one seems to fit you as nice as those jeans. You’re allowed to be happy, Atlantis. Tell me one person who would want you to be miserable over being happy. Just one.”
“Daniel.”
“Besides him. He doesn’t count. It doesn’t matter anyway. You’ll never let him go now. I’ll be surprised if you’re ever away from each other. Trust me. I know. I’ve just gone through the same thing with Ty. You know that. You heard the whole story. You’ll be painfully vacant without him. Like half your heart is missing.”
“Painfully vacant. Wow. That’s deep.”
“I know, but it’s not mine. I borrowed it from the movie, I Origins. We have the DVD. You’ll have to watch it with Ryle. It’s my favorite twin-flame movie of all time.”
I knew what painfully vacant felt like, but this was different. Something I knew nothing about. “Why am I so nervous? Gah, it’s not like I haven’t been with—.” Hesitating, I glanced to Tristan and just said it. “A lot of guys. There, I said it. I was a slut there for a minute.”
“Yeah, we all have those days. So, what. Stop living in the past. Right now. Live for this moment right here. That’s it.”
“I’m trying. Have you seen them? Ryle and Scout?”
“Earlier they were headed toward the fall. I’m so happy right now. You have no idea how happy I am. I knew it. Didn’t I tell you?”
I sat on my mattress and looked up, still holding on to the smile. “He told me he’s been through eleven relationships, searching for what he feels when he’s around me, but the crazy part is, maybe I have been trying to find the same thing. You know? I thought it was just puppy love. Kid stuff.”
“Oh, my God. You guys have to do group Tantra tonight with Keisha.”
“No, stop with that. I don’t even know what that is. I’m not doing anything group. I already got suckered into singing.”
“Oh, please,” she sarcastically replied, her eyes giving me a once over like I was the ridiculous one. “Tell me that didn’t feel amazing.”
I couldn’t. All I could do was stupid smile. “It did.”
“I’m going to get that jacket. Let’s go check out all the vendors. I made cream of quinoa with Nana Mae’s homemade maple syrup if you want some.”
“Thanks, but I don’t think I do. I’ll be there shortly.”
As soon as Tristan left, I reached for my blue notebook, not even realizing how dependent I had become on it. Quickly and easily, I wrote out thirty things I loved, starting with Tristan. This was all because of her. I was so happy and there was only one thing missing. The one thing that left me feeling guilty. It wasn’t right. Not when he couldn’t be here, too. My smile returned when I got to the one thing Tristan wanted me to add to my day. First I read her short description, and then I did it.
I closed the notebook when I heard the knock and the doors being pushed open. “Are you ever coming out of here?”
I smiled toward Ryle, feeling all those butterflies fluttering around in my lower abdomen again. “Somebody kept me up late.”
Ryle stretched out across my bed and pulled the notebook from my hands. “Diary?”
“No, something silly Tristan made for me.”
Ryle flipped to the day I was on, and glanced through my list. “I don’t think it’s silly at all.”
Even though it didn’t surprise me, I asked. “Because you write thirty things you love, every day. Right?”
“No, I sing them while I brush my teeth with Scout. We end up with sixty by the time we’re done. Why do you think our teeth are so white?”
My eyes glanced to his pearly whites behind a big smile. “I love that.”
“What day are you on?”
A blank look crossed my face and my bottom lip sucked between my teeth.
Ryle flipped through my pages to my last intro, written moments before. He glanced through my list and then slowly lifted his eyes to mine, but he didn’t say what I thought he was going to say. I thought he was going to comment about making my list that morning, but he didn’t. “This is more than two weeks, and you’re not on here once.”
“What do you mean?”
“You have to love yourself first and foremost over anything.”
I tried to grab the notebook from his hand, but he jerked it back. “Ha, yeah, okay. Well, she’s got me telling myself that in the mirror, too. We’re covered there.”
“Make it number one from now on. Okay?”
“Yeah, whatever. Give me that.”
“Wait, what are you doing today?”
While Ryle read the embarrassing task of the day, I sat there shaking my head. “Kegel exercises?”
Tristan and Baby-T stepped in, answering for me. “Yes, and you should practice it, too. It’s not only for keeping things tight for girls. You have a bladder, too. It’ll keep you from wearing diapers when you’re sixty.”
Ryle sort of nodded, contemplating her words with a wide-open mind. “Okay, I’ll consider it.”
“Let’s go. We have a busy day and it’s absolutely gorgeous out. Let’s go check out the vendors.”
Ryle stood and tried to talk to Baby-T, but he wasn’t having it. He pulled away, holding on to Tristan for dear life. “Hey, we’re buds. I just wanted a high-five.”
“He’s got a toothy coming in. Huh, buddy?”
Scout bounced up the steps next, only her head poking up. “Um, Dad.”
Tristan tossed me the jacket and stepped around her. “Hey, Scout. I’ll see you guys in a little bit. We’re going to head down.”
“You can come in, Scout,” I called.
“Well, I sort of fell in the creek.”
We both walked toward her, me with a smile, and Ryle with a frown. With a confused look, he questioned why she was there. “Okay, so go change.”
“I don’t have any more shoes.”
“I told you to pack two pair.”
“I did. They’re wet, too.”
Ryle looked over his shoulder at me, always with a smile. “Want to see where we call home?”
Of course I wanted to see that, but I didn’t mean to sound so excited about it. “Uh, yeah.”
Once Scout changed her clothes, Ryle piggy-backed her to the truck and we rode down the mountain, me in the center. Scout made sure of it. Not that I was complaining. It felt natural. We felt natural. Like a family.
“Tristan said you and my dad are twin-flames. I believe her.”
Amusingly, I grinned down at her. “Oh, yeah. Tristan says a lot. Do you know what that means?”
“Yes, it means you and dad made a plan before you came to earth. I forget the word, but I think it means, like, well like if you meet your twin-flame you have to stay with them or you’ll be painfully, um…”
“Vacant,” I helped.
“Yes, and sometimes they have to be apart for a while because sometimes they didn’t learn enough yet and it would be too hard. That’s what Tristan said. You and my dad are twin-flames, so we, I mean, you have to stay together with my dad. Right, Dad?” she questioned, looking past me for assurance.
“Yes, that’s right.”
I kneed Ryle with my leg, lecturing him with my eyes for telling her something he couldn’t promise.
“What? You heard the girl. You don’t want to be painfully vacant, do you?”
His hand moving to my leg, his eyes lit up with a twinkle, and his tone was laced in sincerity, and I believed every single word he said.
No sooner than we pulled up to an old barn, Scout was out, something pretty important on her mind. “I have to go check on Chip. I’ll be right back.”
Ryle yelled after her as she darted out of the truck on a mission. “Scout. Shoes.”
“I know!”
“She knows, yet she runs right into the barn barefoot.”
“Chip? Who’s Chip?” I questioned.
“A bird with a broken foot. Scout thinks she’s an animal whisperer. At nine years old, she’s nursed more animals back to health than the local vet has her entire life.”
I loved that so much. “Ahhh, let’s go see.”
“Let’s kiss.”
Even though I giggled, my lips moved to his. We kissed, but not like we had the night before. Yes, there were dancing tongues, and plenty of exploding stars, but it didn’t last near as long as it had the night before. I pulled away first, quietly reminding him of my situation. “You know I’m still married, right?”
“Yes. Does that bother you?”
“I mean, I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do. Don’t let some stipulation society put on you control your life. It wouldn’t matter if you were married to ten different men. I don’t need some piece of paper stamped by a ridiculous system to tell me who I can be with. Do you?”
“I don’t know.”
“Stop saying that. Yes, you do. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You should probably know I don’t follow anyone’s system. I’m perfectly capable of knowing what’s right and what’s wrong without a bunch of broken organizations telling me I need a piece of paper for it. Now if you tell me you’re still in love with him, that’s a different story. If you think you want to go back, I’ll back off.”
That wasn’t the problem at all, and I knew it from the bottom of my heart. Danny never gave me butterflies. Ever. “I need to go there. There’re things I still need to take care of.”
“But you don’t want to stay?”
I squeezed his hand and moved my lips to his again. “Not even a little.”
Ryle kissed me and opened his door, dragging me out with him. “Come on, let’s go see how Dr. Scout’s doing with Chip. I’ll bet you a hundred bucks she’s still barefoot. It’ll be January before I can get her to wear shoes.”
I chuckled a little, my heart feeling full and empty at the same time. With my hand in his, we opened the barn door to Scout holding a chirping bird and petting his head with one little finger. The barn was dark, the only light coming from the door we’d left open. Standing back, I watched, in an instant my heart felt more full than empty while Ryle and Scout looked at the little bird.
Once the little guy was back in the cage, we walked straight through the building to another door that opened to a small house. Really small and old. Scout ran ahead, barefoot of course, across a small deck and into the house. Ryle stepped aside and let me go ahead of him and once again, I was in shock. One room held a sofa and a chair. The kitchen was pretty much in the same room, small with a table and four mix-match chairs, an old refrigerator, and four cabinets. That’s it.
“Do you want to see my room?”
I turned my attention from the tiny kitchen to Scout and the closed door on the left. “Of course.”
The first thing I noticed was Ryle right behind me. I mean, right behind me. Close enough to smell his clean fresh scent. My body just sort of leaned back all on its own and my fingers just sort of fell into his hand when I felt his on my wrist. The next thing I noticed was a wall full of drawings and paintings. Not on paper either. Markers, crayons, paint, and stickers, blanketed the entire wall.
Stepping toward her, I ran my hand down her dark hair and grinned over my shoulder to her dad. “No paper?”
“Eh, I try not to make issues out of things that don’t need to be issues. You know? It’s her wall. Besides, I sort of like it a little bit.”
I sort of did too. “I love it and not just a little bit. A lot a bit.”
“Look, this is us. Me, you, and Dad.”
Just under a bright sun with a colorful rainbow stood three cartoon people. A mom, a dad, and a little girl right between them wearing short pants and a red shirt. Between us. Ryle and me. The entire wall was an art piece and I would have paid millions of dollars for it. Not that I had any dollars, but still, or any money, but still.
“Want to see my room?” Ryle whispered close to my ear.
My only response was a light elbow to his ribs, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel the butterflies again. Flirting was never Danny’s strong point. Unless he wanted sex, of course. Glancing over my shoulder, I smiled when he winked. Our fingers laced all on their own and a constant smile stayed glued to my lips.
Scout walked around showing me all her things. Not expensive pretty things like Ashley and Caitlyn had either. No television, laptops, tablets, or video games. Her things had meanings, things she’d gotten from her many adventures with her dad. She was a rock collector and had one from everywhere she’d been. She knew exactly where each one of them came from, too. Gratitude rocks. That’s what she called them. The room was mostly earth tones except for her bed. It was made with a plush white blanket, a howling wolf on top of a big rock, and a full moon right in the middle.
“And this is from when we went to Colorado. We had lunch with an Indian chief and he gave me this dream catcher and this bracelet, isn’t it cool?”
Of course, it was. Everything about this kid was cool and I was in love. “It’s so cool.”
“Okay, you two. Let’s head back up the mountain. There’s a lot of vendors set up.”
I couldn’t wait to see what it was all about. Even though I could see all the commotion coming down, I couldn’t really see what was going on.
“You said I could have five-dollars, Dad.”
“You have to wait. I only have a twenty.”
“Oh, that’ll do,” she giggled.
With his hand on the back of her head and a frown, Ryle lightly shoved her toward the door. “I’ll give you twenty. Go find some shoes and stay out of the creek.”
“I slipped.”
I tried to walk out right behind her, but Ryle pulled back on my hand, spun me into his chest, and kissed me. Not just a little kiss either. Quick but with plenty of tongue. “Sorry, couldn’t help myself. Come on.”
Grinning, I stepped back into the small living room, opening the door to his room without permission. I was only going to peek until I saw the photos of baby Scout. She looked so much like Quinn it wasn’t even funny. That’s when the thought of going back there crossed my mind again. Even though I tried to tell myself I didn’t need his things, there were some I wanted. Like monkey. That raggedy thing had been to hell and back for the first three years of his life. It was his best friend, and I wanted it.
Looking up at a photo made into a poster, I could feel the excitement on Scout’s face as she flew down a mountain on a zip line, her dad right behind her.
“That’s me at Rolling Ridge in West Virginia. They almost didn’t let me on it because I was half an inch too short. Right, Dad?”
“Yes, right. Shoes. Let’s go.”
“Okay, okay.”
“You’re an awesome dad,” I said, my eyes glancing back to Ryle.
“She’s a pretty awesome daughter.”
“I’m serious, Ryle. You’re doing an amazing job with her. It’s almost like a different world here, and I’ve never met another kid like her. Ever. She doesn’t take one thing for granted and she appreciates everything. That’s some tremendous parenting. I wasn’t raising Quinn like that. I just wanted him to have everything I didn’t, you know? My mom didn’t win any awards in the parenting department. I mostly grew up with my Aunt Jo.”
“Where’s your mom?”
“I’m not really sure. The last I heard she was traveling in a semi-truck with a new love of her life. One of many, I might add. I can’t help but wonder how things would have turned out had, you know. The accident and all. I wouldn’t be here and Quinn would still be glued to his tablet.”
Ryle wrapped his arms around me from behind and kissed my neck. “I don’t know why things happen the way they do, Atlantis, but I do think you are where you’re supposed to be right now. I believe that with all my heart.”
I ran my hand over his arm and leaned into his chest. “I’m glad I’m here. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else right now. Thank you.”
“No need to thank me. I wouldn’t want you to be anywhere else right now either. You’re not always going to be lost, Atlantis. Even diamonds didn’t start off as diamonds. They were once nothing but charcoal that experienced intolerable amounts of heat and pressure before achieving their final worth and value.”
Taking comfort in his words, I glanced back. “I’m afraid I can’t take an ounce more of heat, and I’ve had enough pressure to last a few lifetimes.”
Scout interrupted with a stomp on the old wooden floor. “Come on, guys. I’m supposed to meet my friends. It’s almost ten-thirty.”
Sidestepping Ryle, I let Scout take my hand, taking comfort in that as well. I wasn’t sure if I would ever shine bright like a diamond, or be the city no longer lost, but I was better than I was the day before, and the day before that.
As soon as we got back to the camp, Scout was off with her friends. Ryle and I walked hand in hand around the camp, checking out all the merchandise. Handmade items like nothing I’d ever seen before were setup on tables in front of campers and vans. Jewelry, clothes, instruments, tapestries, dreamcatchers, and even canned food. Money didn’t even matter. Ryle traded a walking stick for a pocket knife, and then traded it for three bracelets with tiny dreamcatchers, one for me, one for Scout, and one for him.
I honestly didn’t see her much after that. We all gathered around five in the evening for a potluck supper, but other than that she was busy. Dirty, but busy. The group congregated once again in the middle of the lower field, but Scout was back and forth from our small clan to her friends. Tristan, Ty, their baby, Toni, Teddy Bear, his wife Annie, and Nana Mae all sat in a circle, eating soup and bread. No meat. Not that I even cared anymore. It didn’t seem to bother me like it had at first. I hardly ever even thought about juicy cheese-burgers anymore, but I did wonder why the hell nobody liked steak around there. Sure, there were a few campers barbequing beef, but not the ones I was with.
Just after that, everyone started gathering in a clearing, all facing a makeshift stage, and I got my answer. Assuming we were all congregating for some music, I really didn’t think much of it. Tristan guided us all to the very front of everyone else, parking us on the ground in front of the entertainment, or what I thought was going to be entertainment. I guess it was, just not the flute and bongo kind I was expecting. Then again, I don’t think I even cared. For the first time in forever, I was too busy being happy to think about much of anything else.
With Ryle on my right and Tristan on my left, I was more than content. Even if I didn’t know what was going on. Let alone what I was in for.
“We’re the last group for Tantra. You guys are going,” Tristan ordered with a bump and a whisper.
Like a big dumb idiot, I smiled and agreed, deciding what the hell. Besides if Ryle was there, I was more than happy trying something new. Maybe. “Okay, I’m game, I guess. We’ll see. I want to know more.”
And then my daughter hushed the crowd, pulling my full attention to the word I didn’t understand, to something else I didn’t understand. I glanced over at Ryle when he reached for my hand, but he didn’t look back. Scout had his full devotion too, a giant smile on her pretty face.
Standing in front of hundreds of people in jeans, a different pair of shoes than she’d had on the last time I saw her, a backwards ball cap, and a new vest with strands of beads, Scout began her incredible speech. And once again, I was in awe. “Can I have your attention, please?”
I leaned into Ryle to question her motives, and he raised his arm, kissing me on the forehead. “What’s she doing?”
His eyes shifted proudly from her to me and back to her. “Changing the world.”
Scout didn’t even have notes. Every word out of her mouth came from not only her mind but also her heart, and I was beyond flabbergasted.
As soon as the crowd quieted, Scout began, her expressions and body language matching her tone. “I would like to talk to you about something we all need to work on, something everyone needs to be aware of, and something I care about. Not just a little bit either. A lot a bit.”
Scout paused for a brief laugh from her audience and then continued, informing even me of things I not only didn’t know but never thought about. “If you know me, you know I love animals more than anything, but this is about more than how much I love them. This is about a problem most people don’t even know about, but they need to. That’s why I want to talk to you about it. That’s why I want you to talk to other people about it. Did you know that global meat consumption has increased from just under fifty-million tons a year to over two-hundred tons over the past fifty years?
“That means the waste from animals is over one-hundred times more than the amount of human waste. Over one-hundred times! Do you know what global warming is? You can’t fix the holes in the ozone. A single pig factory produces the same amount of raw waste as a city of twelve-thousand people. Twelve-thousand.” she exclaimed, putting more emphasis on it the second time around. “Factory farming accounts for thirty-seven percent of methane emissions. That’s more than twenty times the global warming potential of CO2. We can’t just climb up there and patch the ozone layer. Did you know the gasses coming from all these factory animals is already higher than all transportation emissions combined? All of them. Combined!
“You’re not shown this from TV, or the radio. They just want you to come and eat more so they can stuff more money in their pockets. You only get to see the cute little talking cow telling you why you need to eat fast food, strawberry milk, cheese, or bacon. And what is up with that? Everywhere I go there’s a shirt, a hat, or something about bacon.”
Scout got another chuckle from the crowd, never missing a beat. “Our environment is in trouble and not just a little bit. A lot a bit. The amount of meat people are consuming is causing problems you don’t even know about. Did you even know more than seventy percent of our crops isn’t even for us to eat? It’s not. It’s to feed the factory animals, so we can eat them. Did you know it takes more than twenty-five-hundred gallons of water to produce one pound of edible beef? The water used to raise animals for food is more than half the water used in the United States.”
“I’m just a little kid, but sometimes I think I’m smarter than the big people. How is this okay? Ten-billion animals in the United States alone are raised for dairy, meat, and eggs each year. Adults don’t even think about that. Ten-billion. Do you even know how much that is? I’m only nine and I can figure it out. Last month my dad and I set up a video of a cow factory on the streets in a few cities around North Carolina and guess what happened? More than half the adults wouldn’t even watch it and guess what most of them said? They said things like, no thanks, I like hot dogs, I like my cheeseburgers, and of course, bacon. Everyone suddenly loves bacon.
“It doesn’t matter if you don’t know about it. It doesn’t matter if you refuse to see it with your own eyes because you love bacon. It doesn’t matter if you do like hot dogs and Big Macs, and it doesn’t matter if you turn your eyes away from what’s really going on, it’s still going on. The groundwater is still being polluted and depleted from animal waste. The gasses from all these animals are still a major part of global warming. Animals are still being mistreated, they’re still living their short lives in horrible crowded conditions, they’re still being pumped full of antibiotics and you’re still eating it. Three hundred animals are being slaughtered every single second, and you’re okay with that? I’m not, and I’m not afraid to stand up for them.”
Scout raised her arm into the air, engaging the audience in her remarkable speech. “How many of you think you need milk from a cow for calcium? Not pig milk, not giraffe milk, not lion milk, just cow’s milk. It’s a matrix, people. It’s a lie. It’s a learned behavior taught to you by adults who didn’t know any better. They were taught, too. All I’m asking is for you to take just a few minutes, forget about how much you love bacon, and look at the big picture. I know I’m only nine, and some people think this is my choice and I shouldn’t try to push it on other people, but it’s your choice, too. These aren’t the cartoon animals you see in Disney movies. These are real, living, breathing animals that feel pain, that feel neglect, that have their babies ripped from them so you can take their milk. And for what? So we can poison the water, send harmful gasses out into the ozone, hurt innocent animals without a voice, and get fatter and fatter, and sicker and sicker?
“You have to take some responsibility for this. They’re not going to tell you to stop eating meat. They won’t even tell you to cut back. The meat industry is a billion-dollar industry. Not one of them want you cutting into their wallet. Take the time to go watch just one video on YouTube about animal factories. I wanted to talk about it and tell you all the horrible ways animals are treated, but my dad said no. I will tell you one thing though. It’s not good, but you already know that. If you can’t stop, at least be mindful of it. Commit to just one day a week to go meat free. Please.
“And the lion will lay with the lamb. Thank you.”
While everyone there came to their feet to give her a standing ovation, I remained sitting, too stunned to even move. In ten short minutes this nine-year-old kid did more for humanity than I ever had in my life, and I was beyond proud. I did stand when she ran up to us.
I stood and I hugged her with all my might. “That was so amazing, Scout. I’m so proud of you.”
Modestly, she smiled and stepped back. “Thanks, but you don’t have to be proud, just don’t eat poor animals. They want to live.”
“I promise.”
Scout sat on my right side when Tristan took her place in front of the crowd, again taking me off guard. While everyone settled down to listen, I wondered what in the world she had to say. Again, being knocked off my feet by things I’d never considered in my life. Ever.