By eight-thirty in the morning, I’d already had breakfast served to me, a lesson in yoga, and a quick, but amazing love making session, lots of kisses, even more laughs, and one very long hug. Just twenty seconds of it releases oxytocin and helps you better trust the person doing the hugging. Ryle reminded me of that while he squeezed me. Not that I needed any help with that. As strange as it was, I trusted Ryle more than anyone, and it didn’t feel like we barely knew each other at all. In a way, I felt like I knew him more than Daniel.
Ryle loaded our things, and I silently said goodbye to the place, my eyes glancing back, a smile touching my lips, and a memory was planted in my heart, a memory that would last a life time. “You have to promise we’ll come back here.”
“We will. We spend more time here than anywhere.”
Ryle jumped in the driver’s seat and we started down the hill when I remembered I never found out why. “Why? Why is this place so special?”
“Wyatt and I had different dads. The only difference was, his paid child support and mine didn’t. Neither one of us knew our dads. When Wyatt turned five his dad sent him a deed to this property. Not even an acre of land but it was the perfect spot.”
I turned to look at the sad expression on his face when he paused, but refrained from coaxing him to go on.
He took a deep breath and continued. “Wyatt didn’t die in our woods. He loved this place more than anywhere on earth because it was his and his dad gave it to him for his birthday. Some time when we’re not in a hurry, we’ll hike down to the pond. Scout has a ten-foot memorial piece down there for him. She likes to bring him a rock from everywhere we go. I feel like he’s still here. Like this is the place I’m connected to him the most. Scout says she can feel him, too.”
I smiled at his smile and laced my fingers with his, wondering if maybe I couldn’t feel him, too. My heart sure was full, that’s for damn sure. “You built the cabin?”
“Yes, but it wasn’t here until after I got Scout. Wyatt and I used a tent. Scout has been coming here since before she could hold her head up.”
“Really?”
“Yup. This is where I come when I need to remember where I came from and who I want to be.”
For unknown reasons, I wanted to be a part of that, too. “You’re like a space alien. Guys aren’t like you.”
Ryle slapped a hand over my knee and squeezed a little with a wink and grin my way. “Lots of guys are like me. Change your vibe and your tribe changes.”
Had someone said those words to me a few months before, I would have called them crazy. Now it made perfect sense. I loved my tribe. I have no idea how we could have so much to talk about, but we did. We talked the whole way, but as we entered corporation limits, I understood why. It kept me from a few hundred anxiety attacks. One second we were talking about roller skating and the next we were driving into town.
I sat up straighter, seeing the old carwash on the corner was finally gone, and a new pizza place in the building I used to tan in, but that was about it. It was like time had stood still. Nothing had really changed and Mount Grace kept right on going without me in it. “Right up here is the dealership Danny is part owner of. Monday’s are late nights. He won’t get out of here until after nine.”
“Do you want to stop now?”
“No, I’m not sure I want to at all. Let’s just go to the house and hope the key is still where it’s always been.”
“Oh, I can get you in.”
I laughed, sure he was probably telling the truth and just because. Just because that’s what Ryle did. Even at times like this where I thought my nerves were going to pop right out of my skin, Ryle made me laugh. Driving right on past the dealership, taking up three whole blocks, we passed the girls’ school with an immense sense of relief. I was so glad I never had to deal with any of that again. I took in a deep breath and directed Ryle to turn down our street, Danny’s street, my heart on my sleeve.
“You okay?”
Audibly, I did it again, another long deep breath of courage filling my lungs. “Yes, I’m good. Go right here. It’s the house all the way at the end of the cul-de-sac.”
“Wow, I didn’t realize I was in the presence of a celebrity. Pardon my ignorance, Marilyn.”
“That’s Miss Monroe to you,” I teased right back. “None of this is mine. I married money. Park back here and we’ll walk up. If any of my neighbors see this truck in front of his house, they’ll call him, or the police. Shit, Ryle. That could happen. We could go to jail. Stop. We don’t have to do this. There is nothing there I really need. I’ve done just fine without it this long.”
“That’s probably true, but you’re still going in that room, and I’m going to be right by your side.”
“Grrrr.”
“Don’t you growl at me. I’ll turn this car around quicker than you can blink.”
Again, I laughed.
We parked in front of Mrs. Turner’s empty, for sale, house. Seeing the realtor sign, I wondered where she’d gone and why. She was actually one of the neighbors I’d liked.
Ryle walked right beside me, talking to me like we weren’t about to break into my husband’s house. “You keep staring around like that, they’re all going to call the cops. Relax. We’ll be in and out before you know it.”
Of course, the key wasn’t below the flowerpot anymore, but that didn’t stop Ryle. Just like he promised, he got us in. “Is there a security system?”
“No.”
“What’s behind the house?”
“Well, there’s a row of trees and a golf course.”
Ryle laughed and kissed me right there for all the neighbors to see. “I meant, door wise.”
“Oh, yeah, there are French doors by the pool and a door for the garage.”
“Does it have square panes?”
“Square what?”
“Never mind. Come on.”
We walked to the side door and Ryle jiggled the handle to the garage, but now I think it was just to sidetrack me. From out of nowhere, he put his fist through the glass square in the corner. The pane.”
“Oh, my God, Ryle. We really are going to jail.”
Looking around for anyone who might have heard us, he shoved me inside. “Nah, we’re good. Lead the way.”
I couldn’t lead the way. I couldn’t even get my heart to stop going crazy behind my chest. Trying to calm my nerves, I walked up the step and opened the door leading right in to the kitchen. It was spotless, like I had never left, but I was sure it wasn’t because Daniel or the girls had done it.
“Want anything from in here?”
I stopped in the middle of the tile, looking around at the kitchen made for a queen, deciding not to even open a cabinet. “No, I guess not.”
“Where’s your room?”
“This way,” I said, leading him to the only bedroom on the first floor. The other four were on the second floor. Sliding the pocket doors apart, I stepped into the room, five sizes bigger than the place I’d stayed in the night before and a lot colder.
“Holy shit. Are you for real? This room is crazy. All this for two people?”
“Yup, just to sleep, too. We were hardly ever even in here.”
“I’d have you in here every chance I got. You want to do it on the bed one more time just for old time’s sake.”
I giggled, trying to shove him away but not too hard. Kissing him, I assured him I did not want to do that. “No, let’s get out of here.”
Ryle opened the walk-in closet and I followed. Everything was the way I had left it. All my clothes, my shoes, my handbags. That made me laugh. I hadn’t carried a purse in over a year. “I definitely don’t need those.”
“The shoes?”
“Those either.”
I walked out of the closet big enough to live in and to the nightstand by my bed. Sitting on the bed, I opened the drawer and my cellphone was right where I’d left it.
“What about these? Please tell me you need these?”
I turned with an instant smile to Ryle dancing a pair of red lace panties in the air.
“No.”
I giggled when he said okay, stuffing them in his back pocket. Powering on my phone, I went right to my photos. Seven-hundred-twenty-two of them. That meant someone had done the updates. It didn’t tell me that before.
“Wow, that’s a lot of photos.”
“I know. I wish I could get the ones of Quinn from it.”
Ryle sat beside me on the edge of the bed and took it from my hands. “Oh, yeah? Tell me about this day.”
I looked over to Quinn climbing up the monkey bars and explained the day. “That was track and field day for the girls. Daniel hadn’t gotten there yet because he was in the middle of a deal. It was hot as hell out, and Quinn was tired of sitting on the bleachers watching other kids run around the track. We walked to the concession stand for something to drink and then went to play on the swings. Caitlyn won the long jump, and I wasn’t there to record it. Danny pouted for three days.”
“Oh, so other than the cute kid, it’s not really a memory you care to hold on to?”
“Hmm.”
“This one?”
Watching him swipe to a family photo of all five of us, I realized that day sucked, too. “No, way. That was my last birthday with all of them. It wasn’t that fun.”
“This one?”
I smiled at Quinn’s bubble beard, but it wasn’t only him who made me smile. The thoughts behind the photo didn’t make me feel very good. It was Sunday and I had bathed him early just to get away from all the chaos. “Nah.”
Ryle tapped his temple with one finger. “The memories right here, babe, and they’re your choice. A photo is a very small part of a picture. Like a single drop in bucket. Only the person behind the camera knows what story it’s really telling. You don’t need to take over seven-hundred photos to remember the important parts of life. People have forgotten that. They’re too busy showing social media their fake lives to really live it. I’m not saying it’s not okay to take pics, it is. I’m just saying don’t live your life behind a cellphone. You can’t be in the now, or with anyone else, behind a phone.
“You’re right. I don’t need them. Come on. Let’s go up to Quinn’s room.”
Ryle made me give him a quick tour of the house, amazed at all the space, the stuff, and the televisions. Seven to be exact. The last room was Quinn’s, and as hard as I thought it was going to be, it really wasn’t. Something happened from point A to point B and I suddenly wondered why I even came here. Most everything in his room were things I had bought because I could, because I wanted him to have all the things I didn’t have, things I used to spoil him with. If only I could have gone back and met Ryle before Danny. He would still be here, and Ryle would have been so good for him. I just knew it.
I felt his arm fall over my shoulders, and then felt his lips on my head. “You okay?”
“Strangely, I am. There’s nothing here, Ryle. Nothing I feel like I have to have.”
“Really?”
“Yes, I’m sorry. I guess it was all for nothing.”
“Are you kidding? It’s never for nothing. You didn’t know that until you came here. Besides, it wasn’t all for nothing. I got these.”
I grinned at the red panties dangling over his finger. “You’re the best. I don’t know what I would do without you.”
Ryle stepped around me, ran his hand through the toy box, and took the ball cap off the bed post. “Let’s not find out. Here, take this for you, and this for Scout.”
Adjusting the hat with a green frog on my head, a lump suddenly formed in my throat. This was it and I knew he was never coming back, and all I had was a hat and a giraffe.
Like he sensed my melt down, Ryle wrapped his arms around me and whispered in my ear. “Cry. Stop trying to control it.”
I did. My body dropped to the floor and I cried. Honestly, I think I cried harder than I’d ever cried in my entire life. That’s why I came. That’s what I needed to find there, and that’s what I took away. Peace. My boy wasn’t there. I felt him more at the place I’d just spent the night with Ryle than I did there, and Quinn had never even been there. It was at that moment I realized what that meant. He was with me every time I heard myself giggle, every time I smiled, every time I sang a song, and every time I was around real friends, Ryle, and Scout. I felt him the most when I was happy.
Once I was all blubbered out, Ryle used his fingers to wipe snot from my nose like I would have done to Quinn. Like he loved me. I blew out a puff of air, laughing as much as I could while using the inside of my shirt to soak up my ugly cry. “You see this stuffed animal here? This is Mr. Giraffe. Quinton slept with him every night. He didn’t really drag him around everywhere, but he did go to bed with him every night since he was born. I asked Daniel to bring his glow in the dark pajamas with the moons and Mr. Giraffe. This is Mr. Giraffe and his pj’s are hanging over the hook right there where he hung them when he woke up. I didn’t know. Because of his injuries, his casket was closed. He told me he took care of it.”
Ryle didn’t have any words of wisdom for that one. Instead of making me feel better with his words, he made me feel better with a hug. Daniel was an asshole and there were no nice words to dance around the fact.
With that thought, I pulled away, a sense of anger fueling a fire I hadn’t realized had started. “He never loved me. I was nothing to him. Why did I do that to myself? Why did I do it to Quinn? He didn’t deserve me, and I plan on telling him about it. Come on. Let’s get out of here.”
Ryle held my face, kissed my lips and stood, pulling me to my feet. “I’m going to use your Queen Elizabeth bathroom first.”
I gave Quinn’s room one more second of my attention, then closed the door behind me, turned the page, and walked away from another chapter.
The ride back was quiet and I was pretty sure it was intentional. Something light and Zen like played lightly through the speakers. Piano with wind chimes, the wind, an owl, a flute, waves, thunder, and crickets. I stared out the window with my chin resting on my hand, my forehead pressed against the cool glass. But I couldn’t think about the things I wanted to say to him. Realizing it was the music, I reached over and turned it off.
Ryle didn’t say anything and neither did I. There were things that needed said, things I’d held in long enough just to keep the shit down and stroke his ego. There was no way I was about to come all this way and not say what I needed to say.
I directed Ryle to park where the trade-in cars sat from the weekend, waiting to go to the garage for their big seven-point-inspection, so I could go through the side door. Before I had a chance to talk myself out of it, I jumped out and walked in front of the truck, speaking to Ryle through his window. “I won’t be long.”
“Take as long as you need.”
“Thanks.”
“Hey.”
I turned back to his smile, reminding myself to breathe deep and stay calm. “Yeah?”
“We all have our own journey. Remember which one you’re on.”
“What do you mean?”
“He has his shit, too, and there’s no way you can perceive it through his eyes.”
My head tilted to the side a little and I took a couple steps back to his window. “I think I’m a little entitled here.”
Ryle smirked, his lips twisting to the side while he shrugged. “Entitled to what? Hate and anger is like drinking the poison and expecting it to kill him. Haven’t you ever heard that?”
“No, I don’t normally date guys who randomly spit out quotes from dead people. It’s kind of annoying.”
Throwing his head back, Ryle gut laughed and grabbed me behind my neck, kissing me right there where everyone knew me. “Go, tiger. Go get em.”
I jerked away, giving him a look while searching for wandering eyes. “You dumb, boy. I’ll be back.”
With a deep breath, I tugged on Tristan’s jean jacket, adjusted my new cap, and hugged my little giraffe. I didn’t realize I had him in my hands until I got out, but I think he helped my spine straighten a little. Something gave me confidence I needed in a bad kind of way, and he was coming along for the ride just in case it was him. I’d take all the help I could get. I walked past one lot boy I didn’t know and two I sort of knew. They stared at me like they knew me anyway. Then again, everyone knew me. All three of them let me walk right up to the locked door before saying a word.
“It’s locked. They’re remodeling the waiting area.”
I shook my head, giving them a ‘what the hell’ kind of look but didn’t say anything. Sucking in more air, I tried to find the courage again. This wasn’t how I pictured it already. The way it played out in my mind was walking through the back and sliding in and out without anyone seeing me. Opening the door to Wendy was not in the plan, but then something came over me. A burst of something I can’t really explain. Maybe it was the dealership. Maybe it was at that moment I realized how miserable I really was there, and I didn’t have to do it anymore. I felt free.
With a new sense of confidence, I smiled at Wendy, realizing how freaking happy I was. I talked to her like I wouldn’t have before, but the surprising part was the fact I meant it and it felt good. “Hi, how are you? You look great. I love that shirt.”
Of course, I caught her off guard. “Atlantis. Hi.”
“Hey, Wendy. Is Daniel here?”
“Yes. He’s in a meeting.”
“Can you call him?”
“I—I’m not supposed to bother him.”
My smile broadened and I gave her a confident wink. “I’m pretty sure he’d be more upset if he missed me.”
“Oh, yeah. Okay.”
I watched his little gatekeeper nervously pick up the phone and nod toward Aaron Rockport, one of Danny’s top salesman and ego stroker’s. He quickly looked away, pretending not to see me and I chuckled. God I was glad I didn’t have to do this game anymore.
“Yes, Mr. Karr? Your wife is here.”
I cracked my gum and smiled, still not affected. It was honest to God like a chapter really was closing in my life. As I stood there waiting, I realized I had nothing to be angry about. Absolutely nothing. Everything I had gone through played a part in making me who I was right now. Happy. Had I not changed my mind and taken that road I had never even seen coming, I’d be here, pitied in silence by all these people who didn’t care about me. Not like Tristan or Toni. Screw having my back. Those girls would be on the front lines, right beside me.
Wendy awkwardly tried to make conversation while I smirked, chewed my gum, and answered her with confidence, my stuffed animal in my arm. “You look great, too. I guess you got to work out a lot there.”
The fact she’d said that out loud would have pissed me off before. Now it amused the hell out of me, and for unknown reasons, I seemed to be enjoying myself. Raising my arm, I pretended to make a muscle. “Nah, been chopping a lot of wood. I live in a bus now. I got a mattress though.”
The look. Oh, my God! Priceless. “Oh.”
The noise from the door closing made me look up and see him. Oh, the look on his face…Priceless. His feet skated down the steps, but his eyes never left mine. The closer he got the faster my heart beat, but I think I did pretty damn good holding it together.
“Daniel,” I nodded.
His face expressed the confusion in his mind but he didn’t find words. He directed me toward his office with a hand.
I might have purposely walked with a little strut in front of him, boasting the lack of communication. Danny was never at a loss of words. Ever. Stopping at his big fancy desk, I turned and he shut the door. “How are you?”
He turned around still wearing the dumbfounded expression, but then he found words. Lots of them. “How am I? How the fuck am I? Are you fucking kidding me right now? Where the fuck have you been?”
This was the part where I was supposed to lay it all out, get pissed off like him, and tell him all the things I hated about him, but I couldn’t. All I could do was think about what my tribe would do in this situation. Tristan, Ty, Toni, Ryle, even little Scout. Because I took the moment to contemplate that, I saw two paths and not any part of me wanted to take the old route. I’d taken that one many times before, I knew where it led, and I didn’t want to go back there.
“I’m glad you didn’t put this in his casket.”
“What?”
“Mr. Giraffe. I asked you to take it to the funeral home.”
“I did. Not that one, but it was a giraffe. I did.”
“That was Charlie, but it’s fine. I’m glad you didn’t. I know someone who will cherish Mr. Giraffe. Did you file for divorce yet?”
“Fuck no, I didn’t file for divorce. I don’t want a divorce. Do you need help, Atlantis? I’ll pay as much as I have to so you get better.”
“Stop, Daniel. The only thing wrong with me is I am happy. For the first time in my life I get it. I don’t want your fancy house, your successful business, or your money. I want to sing, I want to love so hard it hurts, I want to dance, I want to laugh, and cry, I want to live. I know you don’t get that and it sounds crazy, but it’s true. It’s my truth.”
“Baby, I want that, too. We can have that. Don’t do this. Please.”
I took a step back, keeping him from taking my hands. “I’m not coming back here, Daniel. You never loved me and I never loved you. Not like you loved your wife, the mother of you children, the love of your life. That’s what you need, Danny, that’s what the girls need, and you all deserve to have it. We both used each other for a safety net. You know that. You deserve to be in love like you were with your wife, Daniel, and she deserves to sing. Stop pushing that boulder up the hill. Let that fucker go. You’re not this dealership, Danny. You’re not rich. You’re not these fancy clothes, but you don’t know who that is. Who are you, Danny? Do you even know? Be with someone who makes you want to find out. That’s not me.”
Unfortunately, my husband could only see one path and it wasn’t the one I was inviting him to explore. “What the fuck are you talking about? I am who I am and this sucks without you. I’ve been waiting for you to come home for over a year.”
“But why? So we could sing and laugh together? So we could hold hands and kiss? So we could bring out the best in each other?”
“Are you cheating on me?”
In his world, it would appear that way, and there was no way for me to even justify Ryle in his mind. In my world, Danny was a lesson, one that made me who I was, one that taught me what I didn’t want, a chapter and that one was over. Ryle being the next chapter was irrelevant to anything. None of it mattered. It wasn’t wrong, I had nothing to feel guilty about and Ryle was right, his journey wasn’t mine. “I’m in love, Daniel. I’m in love with a man who loves to hear me sing, who cooks right beside me, who makes me want to be the best person I can be, who makes me want stand on the rooftop and shout it to the world. If that makes me a cheater, then whatever. I’ve been called a lot worse. I never loved you like that, and you never loved me like that. You deserve that, Daniel, Ashley and Caitlyn deserve it, and I deserve it.”
“Did you go in my house?”
“Yes, but I didn’t take anything. This hat and Mr. Giraffe. You can donate it.”
“Did you take anything of yours?”
I knew the question was a roundabout way to find out if I took my rings or not. “No, you can donate that, too.”
“Your clothes? You didn’t take your clothes?”
“I don’t really wear stuff like that anymore.”
Not bothering to hide it, Danny gave me a once over. “Obviously. I don’t even know who you are right now.”
“You never did, but it’s not your fault. I didn’t even know who I was. I do now, and I sort of like me.”
Daniel took off his suit jacket and hung it on the back of his chair. “Just go, Atlantis.”
“I’ll call you in a few days with an address for the papers. I’m not asking for anything. I just want out.”
Daniel looked at me with a look I hadn’t seen before, or at least one I hadn’t noticed anyway. I guess I never took the time to know him either. “Then you better go.”
With a nod, I turned and walked out, biting hard on my bottom lip to keep from smiling. Not in a sarcastic bitter kind of way either. My happiness stemmed from the free feeling I felt in my entire building. Walking out the double doors, I said goodbye to Wendy for the last time, leaving her in the last chapter, too. “I’ll see ya, Wendy. I really love your hair like that.”
The strut I had in my step when I followed Daniel to his office returned tenfold, and the smile I exchanged with Ryle was more like a proud of myself boast, than anything. He got out and let me slide in, kissing me with the same grin. Like he was proud of me, too. “You were right, nice guys do finish first.”
Ryle drove out the parking lot, putting the finishing touches on that chapter. “Not all of us are nice guys.”
With my hand over his on my legs, I frowned at him, still wearing the happy smile. “What?”
“I’m not always the nice guy. Sometimes I can’t help myself.”
“Why do I feel like this is a confession? What did you do?”
“Well, you know when I said I had to use the bathroom before we left?”
“Yeah.”
“I might have messed up your bed a little and left a pair of panties on the floor. Not the red ones. I’m keeping those.”
I gasped with shock. “Ryle, you did not!”
Trying but failing, Ryle tried to express shame with sad eyes. “I did.”
“It’s okay, I might have told the receptionist I was homeless. Glad I won’t be around to follow that rumor through the mill.”