Talk about crazy nerves. I’d never felt anything like it. Excitement mixing with fear, entrenching my entire body. Head to toe. Familiar surges of adrenaline suddenly rushed through my veins, keeping my nerves from ever relaxing, and I felt it. It was late when we entered the city, but I wasn’t the least bit tired. The self-talk about being tired, wanting a shower, and a bed was gone, bright lights and a big city, far, far from home, taking over the exhaustion.
This was real, and I’d really done it. Really, really. A constant, goofy smile stayed planted on my face while I hung out the taxi window like a big kid, staring out at buildings one can’t imagine without seeing. They were nothing like they looked on television and that wasn’t even up close. We were a few streets over, but really close to all the action. I thought about having the cab driver take me the long way, just so I could see, but even with the new excitement, I really was mentally and physically exhausted. Deciding to do it another time, I watched from a few blocks over, longing for a shower and a bed more than the sightseeing.
The cab driver let me out in front of the five-story building, and I stood there, my heart in my throat and the air thick and sultry in my lungs. I looked right and then left and then behind me. I guess just for one more check, to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. With a deep breath, I hiked my backpack up on one shoulder and entered the double doors to a quiet foyer, well-lit with gold accents. My sneakers squeaked off the shiny white floor and my head snapped around, looking for someone who might have turned toward the noise.
Just before I started to panic about the key, not getting in, and being stuck on the streets, I saw the row of mailboxes. Just like Tristan had promised. The key was right there and easy as taking candy from a baby. That didn’t stop me from freaking out on the ride up to the fifth floor though. I thought about what I would say if someone was there, what I would do if the key didn’t work, and of course, what to do next.
“Whoa,” I said aloud, stepping out of the elevator to another foyer. This one with a large wall of windows, facing four apartments, two on each end and two in the middle. Glancing to the key in my hand, I walked to the end of the hall, matching the key number with the door. My heart beat wildly in my chest as I inserted the key and the saliva in my mouth failed to pass the lump in my throat. I coughed as I stepped in, my jaw dropping with delight. The sleeve of my shirt worked to catch the drool, pooling in my mouth and I swallowed, unbelieving of this place. Unbelieving of me being here, trying to convince myself that it was real life.
“Atlantis, holy shit,” I said to myself and the empty room. Not only was I in Los Angeles, California. I was in this amazing condo with an open floor plan, shiny marble looking floors, and expensive furnishing like I’d never seen. Danny and I were okay with money, we could pretty much do what we wanted, but not like this. The door opened to some sort of white granite floor with gray swirls, leading all the way to not one, but two glass walls. Tall glass walls in an L shape at the far end of the room. The kitchen was the most amazing kitchen in the world. It even had a six-burner stove. Not that I would be cooking. The thought of that made me smile as I ran my fingers across an island, separating the dining area from the kitchen. I was never making meatloaf again. I’d hated it since I was a little kid and Daniel loved it, especially Aunt Jo’s recipe.
Next came the most amazing balcony in the entire world and even though I couldn’t see the ocean in the distance, I knew it was there. Even if I’d never been to a beach, I felt it, I smelled it, and I tasted it. Right below my gigantic terrace was a pool, lit up with blue lights big enough for a couple hundred people. As scared and skeptical as I was, I couldn’t help the excitement going on inside and I wore a constant, goofy smile.
After checking out the two bedrooms upstairs, I chose the downstairs right off from the kitchen. It wasn’t as extravagant as the master, but I didn’t want that room. There were clothes in the closets and a photo of Tristan as a little girl. It felt like I was intruding and so I chose the other bed. A king size bed with a soft white duvet cover and fluffy aqua blue pillows was perfect, inviting, and more than enough. I loved all the blue accents and I loved the photo of the ocean over the bed.
In my own bathroom, I showered with lavender suds, my senses loving the familiar scent. I did take that from the other bathroom, but I didn’t really have a choice until I made it to the store. The toothpaste, the shampoo, the lotion, and a fancy pair of pink and white striped pajamas that I couldn’t help but borrow all came from the master bedroom. Even though the clothes I had with me were clean, they didn’t smell fresh like the borrowed pj’s
Sleep was what I needed, and I knew it, but I couldn’t seem to wind down, especially after the shower. I smelled like fresh rain and flowers, and in a sense relaxed. Instead of crawling onto the delightful bed, I did more snooping and then helped myself to a bottle of wine. It wasn’t aged or anything. The card in the basket said thank you for your donation, and it was a brand I could get in my own grocery store back home. That was how I justified borrowing that, too.
With a pack of crackers from the same basket, I sat on the sofa with my glass of wine and a smile. Everything I touched was softer. Including the couch that hugged me like a cloud, and the blanket I pulled from the back. A few months in prison and I’d already forgotten what soft felt like. The sheets and my clothes didn’t smell like this either. They smelled chemically, itchy, and stiff. Flipping on the television, I sipped my wine, thinking about everything I’d taken for granted with a new sense of appreciation.
The wine did help me relax, and I’d forgotten all about Sheldon Cooper. Even with all the shit and baggage I couldn’t seem to shake, I could laugh with him. That was the last thing I remembered before dozing off; Sheldon was hiding in a kid’s ball-pit.
“Hey, Mom! Mom! Look at me. Look at me, Mom.”
I glanced up from my phone, seeing Quinn fall backwards in the pool of balls. “Hang on, Buddy.”
I frowned at my phone and the message from Daniel, a flirty paragraph about something reminding him of the time we’d done it in the back of a Ford pickup truck on the lot. What he remembered and what I remembered was two different things. It was a company picnic, he was drunk, and I didn’t want to do it. The ridges from the bed dug into my back, and it lasted two minutes’ tops and I didn’t even get off. Nonetheless, the message wasn’t even about that. It was his narcissists, manipulative way of telling me that he wanted sex.
Rolling my eyes, I shook my head and crossed my arms, dropping my phone to my new purse. I smiled at Quinn, watching him hold his breath and diver under the balls like they were water. “Ten more minutes, Buddy.”
“Watch this.”
“I’m watching,” I said, my eyes shifting to the ding in my bag. Blowing out a puff of air, I read the message and shook my head.
Danny- ??? Too busy to talk to me?
Atlantis- I’m at the Fun Fort with Quinn. Of course I remember that. How could I forget?
“Mom, watch this.”
Again, I glanced up, seeing the same trick as the last time. “Wow, good job.”
Danny- Again??? Didn’t you just take him there yesterday? You get the garage swept today or too busy for that, too?
I was expecting him to say something about me spending his hard-earned money spoiling my four-year-old, but he didn’t. He came back with the time that I was wasting. Deleting the fuck-off reply before even finished typing, I stroked his ego. Not because I was weak or couldn’t hold my own. I could and I’d done it many times. A fuck-you match with Danny was just that. There was only one side with Daniel and it wasn’t mine. Ever. Fighting with him didn’t change anything and it scared Quinn. I didn’t like him seeing me that angry and it wouldn’t change anything anyway. Stroking his ego was better than the alternative.
Atlantis- I swept the garage and I promised him last night, remember?
Danny- Yeah, sort of. What are you wearing? Tell me a sundress with no panties.
I couldn’t. There was absolutely nothing I could say to that.
Atlantis- Ha-ha, we’re leaving now. I’ll see you when you get home.
Danny- I can’t wait. Love you.
Atlantis- Love you.
My eyes opened to some drama with Kristen Stewart on television and an empty glass of wine. What a strange dream, I thought, sitting up and flipping off the television. The weirdness came from not having the other dream. Not that I was complaining. Dreaming about Quinn’s happy little face was much better than the nightmare. Even the memories of how much I disliked my husband was better than that. I made my way to the sink to deposit my crystal wineglass with that on my mind. I wasn’t at all afraid and there was absolutely nothing he could do or say to get me to come back there.
Crawling beneath the cool white sheets, my head hit the soft pillow and I sighed a delightful breath. Even if this was all a dream and I had no idea where I was going, I was grateful. I felt strong and courageous for the first time in a very long time. Laying there with the fresh scent of rain I tried to see myself in the future and couldn’t. I had no clue where I would be in a week, let alone six months. It wouldn’t be in a mansion in Beverly Hills, that was for sure, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t see any further than that. All I could see was the past and I was so happy I wasn’t going back there. Other than Aunt Jo, I didn’t really have a reason to go home. Sure, I had cousins and distant family, but that wouldn’t change. Even the ones that did live in the same town were in contact via Facebook alone. It wasn’t like we were close. My eyes closed and a peaceful feeling came over me, a sense of hope enveloping me like a warm blanket and I slept
The light peering through the blinds was the next thing I remembered. I slept better that night than I had in a very long time. So long I couldn’t even remember the last time, and I didn’t dream. I didn’t have the nightmare that haunted me day after day after day. Whether it was from the bed or the plentiful soft pillows surrounding me, or maybe it was just the exhaustion, I slept like a baby and if I felt amazing. Other than I had to pee. With a thin smile, I pulled myself out of my comfortable bed and went to my bathroom with a new sense of hope. And then I thought about Daniel. I didn’t even know how to go about getting a divorce. Not to mention, my things. There were things there that I wanted. All of Quinn’s photos, his art work from preschool, and I still had to pack up his room. I really didn’t want anyone else doing that.
Brushing my teeth, I thought about what was mine and what I wanted. Sadly, it wasn’t much. Everything belonged to Danny and other than my clothes and a few photos, I didn’t really own anything. There were a couple boxes of things that had belonged to my mom, but they were at Aunt Jo’s, not Danny’s. A set of fine china she didn’t want anymore, a tea set that I played with when I was little, and an assembly of skunk figurines my mom had collected for whatever reason. Eventually I would want that, but they were fine there for now.
Already knowing which one I was going to try, I made my way to the kitchen for a cup of flavored coffee, imported all the way from Brazil. Even the little cup was fancy with gold trim. While it ran through to my cup, I stepped out to the balcony in awe once again. Only this time it was daylight and I could see where I was. I was in freaking California. Hollywood. Where all the famous people lived. From the looks of the neighborhood, I could have been living right beside of one.
I leaned over the stone wall with a noticed smile stuck to my face. It was so big it hurt my cheekbones. That was detected, too. Smiling had been something I hadn’t done in a while and I hadn’t even noticed it. Until now. Until I was on the other side of the country, far, far away from my home, from everything I’d ever known. This was real, I was really here, and I couldn’t help but ask why. People just didn’t get offered five-thousand square foot condos in gated communities with ocean views and amazing pools for free. Especially me. “How the hell did this happen, Atlantis?”
Needless to say, I spent the first two days of my new life in love, pretending it was all mine and not Daniels. As much as I wanted to, I didn’t go out, but I planned to. There just wasn’t a need yet. Even my desire to cook in a real kitchen fell to the wayside and I foolishly wasted money that wasn’t even mine on delivered junk food. That was the first couple days…
I watched countless hours of Netflix, sat out on the balcony, bathed in the best Jacuzzi tub in the world, and watched the news. That’s when I started getting nervous. This wasn’t just any Condo. Even though I was never much in to politics, thanks to Danny, I knew a little bit about it. Tristan’s mother was Vanna Wise and she was in the middle of her own shit-storm, plastered all over television, her famous husband in jail for countless charges, including an eighteen-year-old murder. Her husband. Tristan’s step-dad. People who knew nothing at all about politics knew who Clay and Vanna Wise were.
Being naïve wasn’t normally one of my weak points, but I’d been blindsided by the opportunity. We watched the guy get arrested in the bus station after her boyfriend showed up and I saw it with my own eyes, but Tristan failed to tell me this part. Jesus…Her mom was Vanna Wise and I was in her house. Watching all the commotion unfold, I started to freak out. I was so stupid. I was right there beside her while she watched it on the little television in the corner, but she didn’t say it was her mom. Then again, I was too excited to ask questions, and now that I thought about it, I’d gone to the bathroom during that time as well.
The need to call Daniel was suddenly strong. I couldn’t stay here and I knew it. He would let me come home, I knew he would, but it wouldn’t be pretty. I’d never hear the end of this. What choice did I have now? I didn’t want to be anywhere near this and, of course, Tristan wouldn’t answer her phone. I tried her boyfriend’s number over and over, but it didn’t even ring. Every time it went straight to a voicemail not yet setup. Pacing in circles around the twelve-seat table, down the hall to the gym, left around the eight seats in the theater room, and back to the massive dining-set, I worried, wondering what to do.
A vision of FBI agents knocking on the door, or maybe even a swat team, crossed my mind. I didn’t want to be anywhere near that, or prison, ever again. Getting in the middle of someone else’s shit wasn’t something I was looking to do. Foolish. That’s how I felt. I’d left everything I ever was. My house in Maple Courte; the new cars I got to drive all the time, thanks to my husband’s job; Aunt Jo; my hometown where I was born, where I graduated high school, where I gave birth to Quinn, where I became part of a real family.
Chastising myself between freaking out, I walked out to the balcony for some air. “Jesus, Atlantis. What have you done?”
That’s when I decided to check in with Aunt Jo, thinking maybe she’d heard from Danny. If he wanted me home at all, he would have called her looking for me. Even though I doubted it, I held a little bit of hope. He wasn’t a bad guy and I knew he loved me and Quinn. It wasn’t that and it wasn’t his fault he was the way he was. All anyone had to do was meet Daniel Karr Sr. to know how far the apple fell from the tree. Not far at all. DK, as everyone called him, had an ego bigger than Daniel did. Daniel didn’t have the best upbringing and some of the stories he’d shared with me about his dad were enough to turn anyone in to an asshole.
If he got less than an A on any paper, test, or report card, he was grounded. Once, in the ninth grade, he lost a debate on some political topic in front of a high school full of students, parents, and staff. His dad made him wear a suit and tie to school until the next debate. Like thirty days or something, the lesson meant to teach him what success looks like. No wonder he turned out the way he did. He never treated the girls like that. Ever. Both of them had his whole heart and he got none of his father’s discipline abilities. Those girls could do whatever they wanted, and if they did get grounded for something, it lasted a day. They always talked him out of it.
Debating on using the phone in the kitchen or the cellphone from Tristan, I wondered what Aunt Jo would say. Of course, that added to the apprehension I’d been collecting ever since I’d stopped on the stupid news. Especially if Danny had gotten ahold of her. Why did I stop on the news? Ugh, I thought, wishing I’d never seen it.
I leaned over the balcony, briefly thinking about jumping. Five stories would be enough to finish me, but then again, my luck didn’t really go that way. I’d probably break both my arms and legs. Then what? That’s about the time the air in my lungs froze, my eyes widened, and I turned to the ring coming from the opened French doors. Debating on answering, I walked toward it, afraid of it being the cops, or maybe even her. What if it was Vanna Wise? What if someone told her I was here?
For unknown reasons, I cautiously disguised my voice, only it came out more like a question, like I was asking if it was okay to say hello. “Hello?”
An instant surge took over my fast pumping adrenaline when I heard her cheerful voice. “Hi, how are you? How was your trip? Did you meet any interesting people? Oh, have you checked out the bookstore across the street? Sorry I haven’t called. I’ve been super busy with my guy. God, I missed him.”
The kiss through the phone was obvious, and I didn’t really care about the fifty questions. “I’ve been trying to call you all day. Why didn’t you tell me your mom was Vanna Wise? This is her house? Oh, my God, Tristan. Why didn’t you tell me?”
Confusion was noted in her tone. “Um, I did. You were with me when I found out. Why? What happened? Did someone come there?”
“No, but what if they do? I can’t get in to the middle of anything right now. I just got out of prison.”
“Calm down. My mom knows you’re there. I just talked to her. That’s why I’m calling. A lady named Janice will be there this afternoon to stock the kitchen for you.”
And I relaxed a little more, the generosity briefly shaking my foundation. “Really? But the news. This is big, Tristan. Like it’s all over the television.”
“Yeah, so? This too shall pass and it doesn’t even concern you or me, so why are you even putting your attention on it? Where is all this coming from anyway? You sound very stressed.”
“I am. You were on the news.”
“Are you serious? Those stupid fuckers. What did it say?”
“Not much. It was just a picture and it said you were in Haiti teaching school.”
“There wasn’t anything about Tobias or Baby-T?”
“No. That’s all I saw. I can call you if I see anything else.”
“No, I don’t want to know. Stop watching that shit. No more news. See how it makes you feel? It’s meant to do that. Stop watching television. Got it?”
Not watching the news wasn’t going to make it go away, but I didn’t respond with that. Instead, I worried about her mom. “What about your mom? She knows I’m here without you? What did she say?”
“Yes, she knows, now stop worrying. Are you getting out? What have you been doing?”
My eyes dropped to the floor as I lied. “Yeah, I’ve been out.”
“Good. We’re heading up the mountain to look at a piece of land. I’m so excited. We’ve already looked at three school buses. All three of them would be perfect for what I have in mind. Fingers crossed this land thinks so too. One of them is already spoken for, which still leaves one for you. Maybe you’ll be our first neighbor. Wouldn’t that be cool? Do you like the mountains?”
I only heard one thing, and I didn’t think I’d be her neighbor. “A bus?”
“Yeah, a school bus. They’re perfect for feeling like part of nature. You know, because of all the windows. Tobias already has blueprints drawn up for ours. I can’t wait to start on it. You should watch some YouTube videos and get some ideas of what you’d like.”
That probably wouldn’t be necessary, but I enlightened her anyway. “Yeah, that would be great except for my smartphone is at home and I don’t have a laptop with me.”
“Oh, use the desktop in the office. The password is on the bottom of the elephant in the bookcase.”
“I don’t want to piss anyone off.”
“Atlantis, you’re not going to piss anyone off. My mom isn’t going to show up there. You’re fine. She’s going to list the condo eventually, but who knows when, and even if she did it today, you know how that works. It could be on the market for months. Will you relax already? Get a pen. I have a book I want you to write down. Go across the street and get it.”
I glanced around for a pen, walking toward the double doors off from the dining room. I’d peeked in there earlier out of nosiness but never stepped in. The desktop Tristan offered for use was set up in the corner on a lonely dark mahogany desk where I found something to write with. Raising my eyebrows in delight, I sat on the soft leather chair.
“Okay, ready.”
“It’s by Norman Vincent Peale. The Power of Positive Thinking. It’s an older book, but it has so much power. I’d start there.”
“Wait, Norman…”
“Vincent Peale. Oh, I like that name. Do you like the name Vincent, Ty? Tobias and Vincent.”
Scribbling the name of the book with a fancy gold pen, I looked up confused. “Wait. You’re pregnant?”
“Yeah, I told you that too. You must have been in the bathroom.”
I laughed, shaking my head. There was no way I would tackle two babies in diapers at once. “Sorry, I’ve been a little distracted.”
“It’s okay. I get it, but just remember everything happens for a reason. I don’t know what shit you’re stepping out of, but I do believe in magic. I believe if you’ll just follow the synchronicities, you’ll stop thinking every rose has a thorn.”
Interrupting her with a loud ha, I reminded her something she knew without being told. “Ha, I hate to shoot your unicorn in the head, but every rose does have a thorn.”
“You can think you’re shooting my unicorn in the head, but you’re really not. You’re shooting your own unicorn in the head.”
“What is wrong with you?”
“Me? You’re the one talking about shooting unicorns. I’m just using your own metaphor to get you to see it another way.”
I snorted, scratching my head, unsure of what the hell we were even talking about. “Another way? You show me a rose without a thorn. There’s only one way to look at it and I don’t know anyone who would disagree. Facts are facts. Every rose has a thorn.”
“Maybe not. Maybe every thorn has a rose. You’re going to be okay, Atlantis. You’re being led down this path for a reason, but it’s up to you whether you take it or not. Nobody can take you down any path but you. You’ve just never been taught that.”
Even though I sighed, literally feeling what she was saying, my rose was still wilted, hanging on by a single thorn. “I’m trying.”
“I know you are. Go get the book. It’ll help. I’m sure he has a few copies. Are you okay on money? You should go to Gyra’s for lunch. Take your book there and eat the Greek salad. It’s amazing.”
“Yeah, I’ve got money. I’ll try it.”
“Perfect. Do you meditate?”
I blinked a couple times, taking in a long breath of air. This chick was all over the place, and the thought of being in her mind made me dizzy. “I’m not really religious.”
“Meditation isn’t about looking to any religion. It’s about connecting to your higher self. You don’t need any religion to do that. You just need to sit quietly and free your mind from all thoughts.”
I knew absolutely nothing about meditating, but I knew freeing my mind from all thoughts right now was impossible, but her call did help, and I did feel a lot lighter. That was mind freeing in itself. “Oh, okay. I’ll check in to it.”
“Great, relax. Don’t worry about anything right now. Go get your book and get out of the house for the day. I don’t want you locked up inside, day in and day out.”
“Yeah, yeah, I will.”
The cheer was heard in every word she said, and I didn’t get it. Nobody in their right mind was that happy. “Super-fantastic. What about your husband? Have you talked to him?”
I didn’t share the part about me being a little homesick and missing him a little. Instead of going in to all that, I gave her just enough. “No, but I’m going to call him today. I need to figure things out.”
“You’ve been there a couple days. You don’t need to figure out anything yet. I’ll call you in a few days. I have to go. Ty’s walking on water.”
“Walking on water?”
I could almost see the expression on her face while she stared after him. “He’s walking around a little stream with Baby-T, telling him in a song how much he loves him. I want to go be a part of that.”
Of course, I smiled. I maybe even felt a little envious. I didn’t believe in love like that and I never had. Not really. Once I thought I did, but I was just a dumb high school kid and he was just out for the sex. “Okay. You do that. I’ll talk to you in a few days.”
“Go get the book, stop and talk to some people, make some new friends. Oh, and help yourself to any clothes there. My mom will never miss them.”
Nope, I wouldn’t be doing that. I was fine right here, and besides the sexy panties and the comfy pj’s, I wouldn’t be borrowing any of her fancy duds. Especially if I was getting a food delivery for free. “Okay, bye.”
I leaned back and my body slumped in the chair, a heavy sigh following. Even though I’d asked myself the same question pretty much my entire life, I asked again. Why? What the fuck was all of this for? From the very early memories of my mom and dad fighting, I wondered ‘why me’. My dad being drunk, the smell of cigarettes from both parents chain-smoking, the foster home I went to when I was four. It was only one night, but it was enough for the foster dad to do things to me my own dad would never do. My Aunt Jo cut her vacation short and came and got me the next day, but I didn’t tell her what happened. I never told anyone.
Staring out the window to a bright sunny day, I strolled down memory lane for the gazillionth time. My dad took off with another woman when I was six and they finally divorced. I’d been in the hospital sick with pneumonia when he left. The next time I saw him I was sixteen and there wasn’t much between us. It was weird, like we were just two people who used to know each other. I didn’t know him and he didn’t know me.
I did finally have someone though. She moved in next to my Aunt Jo when I was eleven and I finally had a best friend. Jaycee and I shared a birthday and everything else young girls go through. She died of a drug overdose on our nineteenth birthday. I never touched them again. With another deep breath, I blinked the memories away and thought about Tristan’s comment. I couldn’t imagine being in love like that, looking at someone like they walked on water.
Ryle with no last name was the closest I’d ever come, but it was one sided and like I said, I was a dumb kid. Jaycee and I volunteered to be camp leaders for a bunch of fifth graders for the summer just to get out of Mount Grace. It was one of the best summers of my life. Even if things did turn out the way they had, I was glad that twelve weeks happened. Me and my best friend, Ryle, and so much more. Firsts, lasts, regrets, and love. I’m not sure I’ve ever been that happy, but everything in life comes to an end. My last night there, I went looking for him, needing to say something before we parted ways, but he was gone. Gone without a goodbye. He didn’t love me, and all that stuff I was feeling, was silly. Kid stuff. Imaginary stuff. Pretend stuff.