Rather than getting out of the house like I said I would do, I powered on the desktop and picked up the heavy elephant. Once I had entered the longest password in the world, I left the animal on the empty desk. I liked him. His trunk was pointed toward the ceiling and he looked strong and powerful. Maybe it would rub off.
Going right to the one place I shouldn’t have gone, I logged in to Facebook. Before I knew it, it was two in the afternoon, I was still wearing someone else’s pajamas, the desk was covered in junk, and my gut felt like it was ready to explode. Not that I expected anything less. Three empty bottles of soda, a large pizza box with one lonely slice left, half a bag of salt and vinegar chips, and one tiny bite of a giant, chocolate chip cookie. I’d managed to spend the whole day catching up on Facebook. As much as the people I followed changed, just as many stayed the same and a year didn’t change anything.
For the most part, Ashley and Caitlyn were the same. Ash had her hair different, and Caitlyn looked like she put on a couple pounds, but still the same. I looked through everyone’s Facebook I could think of, catching up on everything I’d missed. Which wasn’t much. Same shit, just a few months later. The dealership page was different, but still the same. Mostly just cars, but a few photos of all they did for the community. Any and everything that would get warm blood on the lot. Literally. A first annual blood drive made the front page of the local newspaper, Daniel front and center.
I filled my lungs with a deep breath, feeling off balance, like I suddenly didn’t have a place, a feeling I’d felt more than once in my life. The last bite of cookie called for my attention and I plopped it into my mouth, moving the mouse to signoff. I’d had enough Facebook for one day. The arrow moved to the top right corner, but the ding and the message at the bottom kept me from clicking it. My chewing stopped at the precise moment I saw his name. Danny had a Facebook but rarely got on it. He had Messenger on his phone, but making myself invisible was the first thing I did. I didn’t understand how he knew I was there.
Danny—Atlantis, OMG! Where are you? I’ve been worried sick. Call me!
Slowly moving my jaw, I chewed the rest of the sweet cookie, my eyes shifting to the empty pop bottles. I swallowed the dry food and placed my fingers over the center keys, inhaling a long breath of courage. This was probably better than an actual phone call anyway. Writing through a text message did the same thing as alcohol, and being in California was an added benefit. Beer balls flowed to my fingers and I typed without thinking.
Atlantis—Why? I told you where I was going.
Danny—What the fuck, Atlantis? What the fuck?
Atlantis—Not doing this. Bye.
Danny—You are doing this. I called your parole officer. I tried to file a missing person’s report.
A quick surge of energy went to my heart but then calmed. I called him, too. He knew where I was and I wasn’t breaking the law. He knew I was leaving because I told him so myself. They probably told him to get lost.
Atlantis—Yeah? How’d that go? Just file for divorce, Daniel. I don’t want this anymore. We haven’t been good for a long time and you know it.
Daniel—Atlantis, baby, listen to me. You’ve gone through hell and back. It’s totally okay for you to feel lost right now, but come home. Let me help you.
An instant surge of anger filled my blood while I wondered how I thought I missed him. I didn’t miss him, and I didn’t miss his condescending ways.
Atlantis—That’s the problem here, Danny. I’ve been through hell, yes, but I haven’t quite made it back yet. I’m better than I was yesterday, but it’s not because of your help. I’m doing exactly what I’ve been doing most of my life. I’m waking up every day, I’m putting one foot in front of the other, and I’m breathing. That’s about all I can commit to right now.
Daniel—I get that, baby. I do. Come home and let me go through it with you. Please. I’ll get you some help. We can make this better, Atlantis. Tell me where you are. I’ll fly out there and we’ll fly back together. Okay?
Daniel—Please, I’m begging you. I love you so much. Let me help you.
A warm tear slid down my cheek and I tried to swallow, but this time was different. This time meant something I didn’t understand. I’d fallen for this trick so many times it wasn’t even funny. Every single time, I let him talk me in to thinking he was right, and I was wrong, or I pretended to anyway. Even though I sometimes wondered if I provoked him like he said I did, I knew it wasn’t the case. It made life a lot easier to just go along with whatever he wanted. Daniel argued like a man, and he could stay mad for days.
Until he wanted sex, that is. Of course, that was always turned around, too. He’d make it seem like my punishment was over and he was ready to put me out of my misery. Like I’d been spending my days wishing he’d hurry up and stop being mad just so he could fuck me. There were so many times I had internally rolled my eyes it wasn’t even funny. Daniel would stand at the bathroom door stroking himself for me, spewing narcissism all over the place. He’d say things like…Is this what you’ve been waiting for? You want my cock in your pussy, don’t you, baby? Show me your pussy and I’ll let you suck my dick. And that’s how our fights ended. With Daniel letting me get off on good behavior. Literally.
Just when the twinge between my legs reminded me I normally liked that part, I jumped from the noise coming from the kitchen. With a long sigh and my hand over my heart, I relaxed, remembering the person there to deliver supplies.
Daniel—Atlantis???? Are you there?
I blinked away the perverted thoughts, and the sounds coming from the front room, and replied to Daniel.
Atlantis—I’m here. Just got company. I gotta go. File for divorce.
Daniel—What company? Who? Atlantis!
That’s all I saw before I hit shutdown on the computer, unsure if I’d even missed it at all. I hadn’t missed anything on Facebook, that’s for damn sure. Honestly, after looking back at my own posts, I wondered how the hell I’d gotten so wrapped up in it myself. Glancing down at my pathetic self still in my pajamas, I debated on showing myself and saying hello. One single tear. That’s all I had shed, and I felt like I could take another step.
Self-consciously, I cleared my throat and did some sort of stupid parade wave. “Hi.”
The girl was older than me, but not by much. She wore plain clothes like me, jeans and a green and white hoody with thumb holes in both sleeves. “Oh, hey. You must be Alicia. Vanna told me you would be here. I’m Scarlett. I take care of keeping the food fresh around here.”
“It’s Atlantis. Nice to meet you.”
She frowned my way, pausing from pulling items from the bags. “Really? I wrote it down. Vanna doesn’t usually make mistakes like that. She’s the most detailed person I have ever met in my life.”
I shrugged and slid to the barstool across from her, giving my opinion like I knew the lady. “Well, her husband did just go to jail for murdering her first husband.”
My new and only friend in California agreed, continuing with the task in front of her. “That’s true. Can you believe that? I’ve always liked her, but he’s nothing but an arrogant douche. One time he showed up here without Vanna just as I was leaving. He gave me a twenty-dollar tip and told me it may have been better if I was a few pounds lighter. He’s a dick. You can tell that about him from television though. He oozes douche.”
She wasn’t fat at all. I smiled, wondering what I was supposed to do with the long, skinny baguette she’d just pulled from another bag, but I didn’t comment on it. Although I didn’t have the opportunity to watch all the election stuff going on behind bars, I knew enough, and I knew who he was. Everyone did. Especially now. Too much drama for me to comment on though. I had enough of my own to worry about.
Scarlet was done within a few minutes, once again leaving me to my thoughts. “That’s it. That should do you. I’m not sure when I’ll be back, but this should do you for a while. Oh, and here’s this. I’m supposed to give you this card. It’s loaded with five-hundred-dollars. I guess I’ll see you again if you’re here.”
Wearing a frown, I took the card, confused about the generous offer. “Who’s it from?”
Scarlet shrugged one shoulder, walking toward the door. “Beats me. Vanna, I guess. It was her card that paid for everything anyway.”
Stopping myself before asking why, I nodded. “Well, thank you.”
With that, Scarlet smiled and stepped out the door. “You bet. Good luck to you.”
I looked down at the card, asking myself how the hell this happened, ‘why me?’ I’d been given this opportunity and I didn’t understand why, let alone what to do with it. It wasn’t buying a book or a salad with stinky cheese. That’s for sure. Hell, I couldn’t seem to even make myself take a shower and wash my hair, but that’s exactly what I did.
Straightening my spine with my head held high, I forced myself to clean up and be grateful for the gift that had been given to me. I showered and put on another pair of fancy pajamas. White with tiny blue flowers this time, and I almost cooked. Almost. Chinese sounded better and they would bring it right to my door. Thoughts of what’d I watch on Netflix is what I thought about while hot suds rained over my body.
I did call and talk to Aunt Jo for over an hour, and I was glad I did. She wasn’t even home. A friend from her church lost her husband back in the summer and she was going to spend the colder months with her at her winter home in Florida. The very last thing worth going home for wasn’t even there. She did encourage me to stay here though. Aunt Jo didn’t like Daniel from the first time she met him. I always thought it was because I took Quinn away from her when we moved in with him. Aunt Jo was my lifesaver back then no doubt, but a little overbearing sometimes. At least, that’s what I thought at the time anyway. There was zero doubt Aunt Jo had mine and my son’s best interests at heart, even if I did think she was too bossy at times. Blinded by the lifestyle and the attention that came out of nowhere, I let someone else dictate what was in my best interest. Regardless of where I ended up, I knew it wouldn’t be back there. I wouldn’t go back to Mount Grace.
That’s how I spent my first week; alone, stuffing my face full of greasy junk food, wearing soft pajamas that didn’t belong to me, binge watching series after series on Netflix. There isn’t much more to say about it. That’s what I did. I didn’t leave the house, I didn’t get on the computer, I didn’t talk to anyone, I didn’t get dressed, I barely showered, and that about sums it up. Every night when I went to bed…if I went to bed, I told myself I would do something when I woke up. I didn’t. I woke up and sat on the couch, ate a bowl of cereal, and continued the mundane routine throughout my day. I didn’t even sit out on the balcony.
Tristan called on my eighth day, forcing me to say more than ‘keep the change’, but I wasn’t happy about it. I appreciated the hell out of her, but I just wanted to be left alone. I would have stayed there for the rest of my life, doing exactly what I was doing, as long as I was being fed money.
I’d just settled down with a giant BLT sub, cheesy-chili-fries, a triple-fudge-brownie, and some weird show on Netflix when the phone rang.
“Ahhh, man,” I said to myself, sensing it was her before I even answered. “Hello.”
“Hey, girl. How are you? How did you like the book? I bet you feel better already.”
I frowned at the phone, but didn’t ask. Instead of asking her what the hell that was supposed to mean, I stepped around the book comment, trying to keep the focus on her and off me. Feel better than what, I wondered. Sounding as zealous as I could without coming off as being fake, I moved the attention to her, which was easier than I thought. “I’m not done quite yet. How are you? How’s the land? The bus?”
Tristan was more than okay with excitedly telling me about her luck. “Oh, my God, Atlantis, you should see it. It’s so amazing. There’s a stream right in our back yard. You can lay in bed and listen to the water cascading over all the rocks. Not only that, there’s a little stream that runs into the Joy River. I can’t wait to take you tubing on it. It’s so much fun. We bought all three buses, too. We picked out the most amazing spot ever. It’s so incredible. I’m very humble and blessed.”
“Ahhh, that’s so awesome, Tristan. I’m happy for you.”
“Thank you, but you gotta be happy for you, too. We have a fork in the road, but don’t worry. I’ve got it all figured out. It seems the condo there was transferred into Clay’s sister’s name four years ago. My mom can’t touch it.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat, not understanding. “What does that mean?”
“You have to leave, but things are going really good here. We’ve already got a bus for you. Ty’s already started on ours, but he’s a machine. He’ll get it done in no time. I swear he’s been walking on a cloud since we found this place. Everything always works out for me. I’m so lucky.”
Of course, I snorted, but not because I was judging her. I was judging me. I’d never been able to say that. My luck consisted of a dark cloud, always hovering close by. Just like right now. Just like that, the rug had been pulled from beneath my feet. Again. “What? Where?”
“Here in North Carolina. Cassville. It’s an old coal town on the southwest tip, almost to Georgia. We bought it. Well, we’re buying it. We’re in the process. Almost five-hundred acres, and there’s three-hundred more coming up soon. I’m going to manifest that, too.”
My brain rattled as I tried to wrap my mind around her words, but I didn’t speak. Not that I could have had I wanted to. Tristan was talking a mile a minute, barely taking a breath between subjects, but I could only think about one, worried once again about my next move.
“I thought we’d wait until you get here to do the build. That way you can build it how you want. There’s this small town about four miles from here and they have the most amazing store. It’s a giant warehouse of anything and everything you could find, and the guy who owns it is cool as hell. Like, way to make a difference. He goes all over the place tearing down old buildings and refurbishing junk, but he keeps everything he can. He’s also the only garbage man in town, so he gets a lot of stuff from there. Here’s the amazing part. It’s all free. He just wants people to look at everything we already have and stop foolishly making more. And get this. He only takes donations. I’m sorry. I just keep rattling and rattling, but don’t worry. You’re going to love it here, and we’ll get your bus done as fast as we can. Oh, wait until you see the view. We’re going to build a labyrinth on top of the mountain and the stream. Baby-T is going to love playing there. Gah, sorry. I’m excited.”
I smiled, but I really don’t know why. What the hell was I supposed to do now? “I don’t know, Tristan. I can’t go to Georgia.”
“North Carolina. And sure you can. That’s what you said about California. What else would you do?”
I ran both my options through my mind: Aunt Jo’s for the winter or a school bus in the middle of who knew where. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get past the school bus part. “I can’t live in a bus.”
“Yes, you can. You’re not using your imagination and you’re underestimating my Ty. He’s an artist. For real. Wait until you see what this boy can do. Come on, Atlantis. You know you need this.”
“I need to stay here. I just got comfortable.”
“That’s the part I’m afraid of. If you want to get better, you have to take the first step, and I don’t think you are. I see straight through you, and it only took a few minutes for me to feel where your energy is. It doesn’t have to be there, Atlantis. Trust me, I can show you how to raise your vibes so high, you’ll look back at all this and say, ‘Oh’, and it’s all going to click. I don’t know what happened to you. I don’t know anything about you, but I know me, and I listen to my intuition. I have been pushed to help you since the day our eyes met when you picked up my bag. I’m trying to be that person, Atlantis. The one who you can look at and say, ‘because of her, I didn’t give up’.”
“Why?”
“I just told you why. And I can feel it. You’re right on the brink of something big, Atlantis. I don’t know what that is, but I’m being guided to tell you that.”
Again, I frowned toward the phone. “By who?”
“By the same source guiding you. That person you’re talking to in your mind all day long. The big you inside the little you. I don’t know. Call it whatever you want. I’ve learned to pay attention and you haven’t yet. You’re still guided by a system, and you have no idea what to do without it. You know exactly what I’m talking about. That gut feeling you get, but quickly talk yourself stupid. Those thoughts you quickly squash because of fear or ego. You tell yourself it’s silly, and it’s all just a coincidence. None of this is by chance and the sooner you start seeing that, the sooner you’ll get it.”
I hesitated before speaking. Unfortunately, I did know that gut feeling. I’d felt it a couple times that morning. “I’m not interested in being happy, Tristan. We live in two different worlds, and mine’s a little broken right now.”
“Don’t you think I know that? Come on. Come hang out with me for a while. It’s not like I’m holding a gun to your head. You can leave any time you want. I’ll even give you the money and buy you a ticket to anywhere in the world you want to go.”
I took a deep breath and glanced to my food I’d been so excited about just minutes before. “When?”
“Would you rather fly or take a bus?”
“I’d rather stay in California for the winter where it’s warmer. That’s what I’d rather do.”
“Why? How many times have you even been outside?”
Drooping my shoulders, I slumped into the couch, giving in to who knew what. “I don’t even like you. I guess I’d rather fly. That was a long trip.”
“Not when you make the best of it. I’ve met so many awesome people on buses. Anyway, I can’t wait until you get here. I could keep you on the phone for hours, telling you all our plans, but I’ll wait until you get here. You have no idea how excited I am. How about tomorrow? If I can’t get one then, the next day for sure.”
Great, was the only gut feeling I had going on in my mind, a sarcastic great, and it sure as hell didn’t feel like anyone guiding me anywhere. I was going to live in a bus. A school bus. “Sure. Why not?”
“You’re going to come out of this shit smelling like a rose. I promise.”
Again, I didn’t have a reply; just a quick puff of air, that’s it. She didn’t know me. As much as she thought she did, Tristan had no idea who I was or what I’d gone through. I knew from experience, I never came out smelling like roses. Maybe roses masking shit, but that’s about it. “Yeah, we’ll see. Are you going to call me back with the details?”
“Yes, turn my phone on. I’ll text you the details in a little bit.”
I sighed and looked toward the kitchen to the old flip-phone. “Okay, yeah. I will.”
“Stop crying in your spilled milk, or at least smile while you do it. I’ll text you soon. I can’t wait to see you.”
“Okay, bye.”
“See ya, girl.”
Looking at the empty fork in my hand, I dropped it to the plate of cheesy-fries, my appetite suddenly gone. My exciting plan was to fill up on junk, veg out on the couch, and watch a show about aliens. All these people showed up after years of being gone, the same age as they were when they were abducted. I’d been fantasizing about it since I watched the pilot while waiting on my food. If only I could do that.
Staring blankly at the television, I wondered at what point in my life I would change if I could go back. I honestly didn’t know, and that was sad.
As much as I hated to do it, I powered on the cellphone, accepting my fate as it was laid out in front of me. I didn’t even want to watch the stupid show anymore. The forty-four-hundred people placed back on earth didn’t seem important anymore. Not only that, I’d never get them all watched before I had to leave again. There were three seasons. That would take me a day and a half with little sleep.
Even with my loss of appetite, I managed to eat every single bite of my food. With my hand over my full belly, I sprawled on the couch, waiting for the text message. The more I thought about it, the crazier it seemed. No matter how I put it in my mind, how much I told myself I didn’t have a choice, I knew I did, and something told me I had to go see. Even though I didn’t really believe in the imaginary world Tristan lived in, I did feel like there was a reason she was so persistent in helping me. And there was no denying how happy she was. I didn’t know anyone that happy, and it intrigued me. Of course, she was over the moon in love, but it wasn’t only that. Even before he showed up out of the blue to get her, she was happy. Tristan was more worried about my shit storm than her own, and that got me in a way I wanted to explore.
I was expecting the text message, but not the phone call. I’d just started the third episode when the cellphone rang right by my empty food container. My eyes widened, and I sat straight up. Maybe this was one of those signs Tristan told me to watch for. Daniel wouldn’t call me at the very moment I was contemplating going to the mountains and living on a bus. The thought of where I would pee was taken over by the thought to listen to the signs. He was calling because this wasn’t right. He was calling because he knew I needed him to call right now. That was the sign and I heard it loud and clear. Why else would he be calling?
“Hello?” I said, my voice sounding way more confident than it felt. I’m pretty sure my spine even straightened, my neck stretched, and I held my head high.
“Atlantis?”
“Yes, hey. How are you?”
Daniel stuttered, failing the attempt to hide the shock of me answering. “I—I miss you.”
“Mmmm, I don’t think you do.”
“Of course, I do. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat…Fuck, I can’t even close a deal right now. I feel like you’re not coming back to me.”
I walked to the balcony with a deep sigh. “I’m not, Danny. I didn’t leave anything there.”
“Please don’t do this, Atlantis. I need you. We’re a team.”
“We’re not a team, Daniel. We’ve never been a team.”
“How can you say that? Look at all the good times we’ve had.”
I scowled, wondering where I was supposed to look for that. From the day I moved in there, things changed. Danny worked all the time and golfed on Sunday’s. The best of our times came from the nine months we snuck around the dealership. Until Daddy-D found out. Daniel either had to quit seeing me, or I had to quit working. I thought I’d been offered the world when he asked me to marry him. He wanted me to stay home with my toddler and I didn’t even have to work. He wanted to take care of us. Oh, but I earned every penny of it. Oh, how I earned it…
“I wish you all the best, Daniel. I really do.”
“Atlantis, please don’t do this. I can’t live without you. You can’t live without me. We made a deal.”
“You’ve been doing fine without me for a year now. You’ll manage.”
“Yeah, because my mom helped. She’s not helping anymore, and I’m about to lose my mind. I can’t do this without you. I’ll stop working so much. I promise. We’ll do things like we used to. I swear, baby. Please. I love you so fucking much. I’ll do whatever you want me to do.”
Watching a delivery truck unload cases of soda in the alley below, I rolled my eyes in a complete circle. This conversation could last hours, and I’d had it too many times to count. “I’m not coming back, Danny. I’m heading down South in a day or two to hang out with some friends.”
“What fucking friends, Atlantis? Those criminals you bunked with aren’t you’re fucking friends. You’re a pretty, itty-bitty girl, and you’re going to get yourself hurt. Come home.”
I paused, almost laughing at his close minded, narcissistic, self-centered, idiotic words, but the hesitation gave him the opportunity to say something else. Something that wiped the smile from my face and buckled my knees.
“He was my kid, too.”
Why I remembered his third birthday party is beyond me, but I did. That’s the lane my memory took a stroll down. “You corrected him when he called you daddy.”
“What?”
“When he was three. He called you daddy, and you told him you were Danny, but it sounded kind of like daddy. That’s what you said.”
“Seriously? You’re going there? You knew I had the girls. It wasn’t fair to them.”
“What about Quinn? How was that fair to him? You know what? Never mind. I must go, Daniel. I’ll get in touch with you about the next step. I need a little time to catch my bearings.”
“Atlantis, if you don’t stop this shit right now, I swear to God, we’re done. You’ll never get a second chance.”
“And neither will you.”
“You’re not taking a fucking thing out of this house.”
Even though our conversation could have gone on and on, I chose to end it. I’d heard it before and I knew the outcome. “Goodbye, Danny.”
I closed the antique phone, once again feeling lighter. Unfortunately, it was short lived. The text message from Tristan with my new, next-day flight, left me feeling defeated. Again…After walking back in, I plopped to the sofa with a heavy sigh, shaking my head at myself I’d done a lot of crazy things in my few twenty-five years, but this… “A school bus, Atlantis? Really?”
I lay awake that night staring at the ceiling, contemplating the right thing to do. If I kept going there was no guarantee where I would end up, and it just didn’t seem like the smart thing to do. On the other hand, the alternative seemed just as grim, but safe. Of course, I could always go to Aunt Jo’s, I thought. My facial expressions animatedly matching the thoughts running around my head. Out of the three choices, Aunt Jo made the most sense. She wouldn’t even be home all winter. I could probably drive her car for a while and maybe get a job waitressing again. Waitressing was fun, and I liked it. Until Quinn came along. The hours sucked and I never got a weekend off, but weekends wouldn’t matter now.
Closing my eyes with a deep breath, I rolled to my side, willing myself not to go there, my mind drifting back to my decision. The one I would make after sleep.