2
A Couch Called Oliver
Two months earlier before the birth.
“I am going to buy every damn smelly candle in the joint just to piss him off!” Pip moaned secretly to me as we followed the arrows around the showroom with the three men looming close behind looking utterly depressed. The looks they got were priceless and I was half tempted to get Ragnar to walk in front as everyone was giving him a wide berth anyway and that would make it easier for us to get the trolley through.
In the end it turned out to be a good thing that the men had come along as buying one thing in Ikea didn’t necessarily mean one box. So, buying an entire nursery set meant a shit load of boxes that meant muscles certainly came in handy.
Now I knew that being the supernatural bad ass chicks that we were, meant lifting a few boxes would have been a piece of cake. But on the other side of that supernatural spectrum, I was also dealing with high maintenance Sophia, who was wearing a tight pencil skirt designer dress that wouldn’t have survived it…her words not mine. And as for our naughty imp, well she had just spent about two hours doing her nails as rude unicorns complete with willy shaped horns that I quote...’were easily ‘wacked off’’.
She burst into a fit of giggles after saying this, so I gathered she had meant it as a sexual pun. Either way I wasn’t willing to risk a tiny willy flicking in some innocent child’s direction or Sophia mooning a family when splitting her skirt by picking up box number 46!
Okay, so there weren’t that many boxes, but by the end of hauling my big belly around the place, it certainly felt like it. This had been the main reason I had collapsed into a stained couch in the reduced section close to the tills. Once there I had simply watched with my cheek resting in my palm with a smile on my face as my supernatural family fully immersed themselves into the human world. I didn’t know it at the time but the moment would stay with me and become a secret smile every time I would open the small wardrobe to get out one of Amelia’s tiny outfits.
I don’t think I will ever forget seeing a giant Viking, an Albino warrior and Hell’s deadliest beast who looked like an accountant, arguing about which aisle was which and which section was where the right box was located.
“And pray tell, what is that smile all about?” Sophia asked teasingly as she came into view. I grinned up at her, squinting a little as the powerful overhead lights were in my eyes.
“Yeah Preggy Toots, spill the beans not the Cheerios,” Pip said after first falling backwards onto the couch with a bounce. Normally I would have tried to make sense of what she said. But well, in truth after knowing Pip for a few years, you kind of stopped asking yourself why and just rolled with her brand of crazy. I shifted closer to her and patted the couch for Sophia to sit down as well. She wrinkled her nose up at the sight of the couch as if it had been condemned to a city tip in Hell or something.
I laughed and said,
“Seriously, after all we have been through, you’re wussing out of sitting in a used Ikea couch?” Pip snorted a laugh granting her a scowl from Sophia, which only managed to turn her giggle into a snigger.
“I am not ‘wussing’ out of anything but just so you know I have seen cleaner seats in the Third Circle of Hell.” I frowned in question until Pip leant into me and muttered,
“Greedy little bastards…” Then she filled me in when she whispered who the Third level was reserved for,
“Gluttony.”
“Ah but of course,” I replied with a roll of my eyes making Sophia huff before sitting down gingerly as if any minute the seat would split its seams, open its disgusting mouth and vomit human germs all over her. I think she barely even had her butt cheeks on it she was perched that close to the edge.
“So, come on, what was that smile all about?” Pip asked and Sophia quickly added,
“Yeah spill it, it’s the least you could do before I catch something from sitting on this thing,” Sophia said looking around her as though she was currently being coughed on. Pip laughed again, winked at me and then said,
“Oh, look here, I found a brown stain…wonder what that could be.” I burst out laughing at the sight of Sophia jumping up as if the rabid couch had bitten her ass with disease riddled springs. Pip nearly fell off the couch she was laughing so hard. She was holding her belly and rocking back and forth shaking and trying in vain to wipe away the tears.
Her plaited pigtails were swinging like jungle vines and the short floaty skirt she wore dipped down to her knees. It was a pretty material that was covered in dripping rainbow trees that looked like a watercolour painting. To this however, she had added a plain black vest top with white writing on the front. When first seeing her that morning I of course had to ask what ‘Dolor sit amet, sunt bonum et melius, sed irrumatus’ had meant. Not that I had actually said the words, because let’s face it, most of the time with my accent I sounded as if I struggled with basic English. Of course, get me back to good old Liverpool and no one would have any difficulty understanding me.
“Why it means …carrots are good for you, but dick is better,” she said with a wink.
“But of course,” I said turning from her and giving Sophia a ‘this girl is crazy’ look. This was when I noticed the back of her shirt that said, ‘It’s a shame you can’t speak Latin, ‘cause my shit is funny’.
But getting back to the couch and the brown stain Pip just freaked Sophia out with.
“That was not funny, Winnie!” Sophia snapped making me join in the laughter as well. Because let’s face it, Pip had a point, it was funny.
“Seriously, what is it with you and germs, I mean it’s not like you can even get ill?” I asked giggling. Sophia curled her lip at the thought, folded her arms and then said,
“I just don’t like the thought of it.” I tried to hold back my grin and said,
“Well if it makes you feel any better, I’m someone who’s afraid of heights.”
“Oh, that’s nothing, loads of humans are,” Sophia argued.
“Yeah and how many of them are married to a guy with wings, eh?”
“She makes a good point’damundo,” Pip said waving a thumb my way. Sophia shrugged her shoulders and said,
“Alright, you win, weirdo.” To which we all burst out laughing.
“Come on now, sit your pretty designer ass down and watch the show.” I said pulling on her hand and making her fall down next to me, looking horrified.
“The show?” she enquired. I nodded to the guys as they emerged from the aisle with three extra boxes added to the long flatbed trolley. A trolley where Zagan was currently slumped over the handle looking as though he wanted to shoot himself just for something more interesting to do.
“Next on the list is the changing table and my 5’s look like S’s.” I informed them making Sophia frown in question and Pip cock her head at me like a dog and say,
“Huh?”
“Just watch,” I said as Adam pulled the little piece of paper out of his pocket and read out the next item that I had added to the list.
“Aisle twenty, section I.S,” he said looking at the others with a frown.
“Yes, and the section…is what?” Zagan asked after first mimicking the way Adam had said it.
“No, not the word is, the letters I.S…it’s in the section I.S.” Adam said again making Zagan groan and throw his head back as if now he wished he was back battling demons in the Janus Temple and asking any God out there to grant him this.
“I not understand. I.S is not here,” Ragnar said looking around as if he had lost his book on ‘How to Deal with the Human World in Ten Easy Steps’.
“You’re right, this is funny!” Pip said laughing and Sophia shook her head in shame and groaned a muttered,
“Idiots.”
“Gimme that!” Zagan said snatching the piece of paper out of Adam’s hand making him shout in panicked tones,
“Careful! You might have ripped it!”
“And that’s a bad thing because…?” Zagan asked as if ripping it was the answer to all his current problems. Adam grimaced, looked around as if making sure the coast was clear before hissing,
“Because if you rip it and we lose the location of where these things are then she might make us go back through the whole damn showroom again to find the godforsaken number, that’s why,” Adam said in way that make it sound like this was torturous just thinking about it.
“OMG, this is just priceless!” Pip said crying now she was laughing that hard. Thankfully, the men couldn’t see us thanks to the middle of the walkway being full of furniture displays, but we had a perfect view of them and were hearing this all play out thanks to supernatural hearing. One thing I might add, I had been very happy to discover after turning into a human vampire hybrid…that and not needing to feed half as much as regular vampires, because let’s face it…ewww. Thankfully though, I had a very willing husband on tap who liked to think of it more as foreplay than as my starter before the main course.
Zagan’s eyes widened in panic and he quickly started smoothing out the paper as if it held the secret location to the lost Ark, Holy Grail and the Fountain of Youth. Then his eyes widened at the paper before he rolled them as if now asking for strength.
“Hey Genius, it’s not section I.S, it’s section fifteen” Zagan said clearly exasperated and frowning before slapping the paper to Adam’s chest. He fumbled to catch it before it fluttered to the floor and then said,
“What?! No, it definitely said…oh, yeah, I see it now.” He added this last part after catching it and turning it side on making me wonder how that helped in reading my bad handwriting.
“Geez, just how bad is your penmanship, Toots?” I growled and said,
“Well excuse me if I didn’t get taught calligraphy in school when the first quill was invented!”
“Not sure feathers were invented there, angry preggy bird,” Pip replied making me growl again only this time with a gritted teeth warning,
“Will you please stop calling me that!” Pip just giggled of course before smacking her lips together blowing me a kiss.
“Anyway, shouldn’t you know what most of this crap is!” Zagan said to Ragnar now making him growl, only when he did it people quickly left their loaded trolleys and hastily made for another aisle…like ones on the other side of the warehouse!
“The last time I heard the word Sundvik it was meant as a family name not the name of a slab to wipe shit off baby skin,” Ragnar replied.
“Wow man, that was deep,” Zagan said pounding a fist over his heart with a smirk. Adam pushed up his glasses and said,
“I would think less slab and more sensible table to place the child safely whilst changing its diaper.” Zagan looked at him side on and said,
“Seriously, explain to me again how you can be the scariest mother fucker on the planet and still know about this shit?” Adam smirked and shrugged before saying,
“I also know about tax returns and what pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis means.” Then he gave him a cocky grin before knocking the trolley from his hands as he passed making Zagan growl.
“What the hell does that mean?” I asked wondering if it was even a real word…of course Pip knew.
“Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis is a word that refers to a lung disease contracted from the inhalation of very fine silica particles, specifically from a volcano. Medically, it is the same as silicosis…I bought him a ‘ridiculously long word of the day’ toilet roll…I think this one took up six sheets, so we all know what he was doing when he learned this one, eh…?” she said nudging me with a snorted laugh.
“Eww Pip, too much information there, love,” I told her making her giggle yet again.
“Aww but that’s my man, he’s got such a clever brain and such a smushy heart!” Pip said this time tilting her head in a ‘isn’t that cute’ kind of way. Then of course by doing this it put her head closer to the stain on the armrest making her lose her train of thought to another one…
“Oh look, it’s only a Coke stain, not poop, like I first thought…you’re all good Sophia,” Pip said making Sophia look her way and when her eyes widened in horror I looked back to Pip to see her licking the couch.
“Yep, definitely Coke, we’re all good people.” Needless to say, this made it extra memorable as after that I found myself running to the toilets when laughing so hard I came very close to wetting myself…damn weak preggy bladder.
When I had finished (just making it in time) I came out to find not only Ragnar standing guard but also poor Adam lugging the stained couch through the checkout as Pip said, and I quote ‘I just had to have it as now it has memories and it was all sad there on its own with no one to love it.’ Therefore, it was quickly dubbed ‘part of the family’ and swiftly bought.
“Well, that was memorable,” Sophia commented dryly as we walked from the building, making me chuckle. I nudged her shoulder and gave her a grin.
“Ah come on, it wasn’t that bad,” I said making her look at me sideways as if I had lost my mind.
“Well, I thought it was awesome sauce with extra jalapenos, baby!” Pip shouted, fist bumping the dinosaur glove puppet she had on her hand. She also had a massive cactus under one arm and a giant pencil under the other, both were soft toys she bought in the kid’s section, which of course had been her favourite bit. She also had a giant toothbrush, shark, robot with a heart on its belly and a set of three mice that she explained were going to get glued to the side of an antique grandfather clock made by John Taylor in the 18th Century. Now I didn’t know who this John Taylor was, but I was pretty sure he would be rolling around in his grave screaming Pip’s name into damnation if he knew she was about to glue three stuffed mice to the side of his time keeping masterpiece.
“Yes, and two days ago I found you dragging a broken rocking chair covered in bird shit, into Afterlife, one that you found on the side of the road,” Sophia said after first rolling her eyes, which she skilfully combined with a look of disgust.
“And your point is?” Pip asked cocking her hip out with a glove puppeteer hand to her waist. I had to say but if she was going for bad ass then she needed to rethink her choice of ‘bad ass’ pose as I didn’t think cute stuffed objects were going to cut it. No-one was going to be intimidated by a stuffed cactus, no matter how many fake spikes it had or having a giant pencil stuck out of your armpit.
“Uh…I just made my point,” Sophia stated as if it was obvious, which considering this was Pip she was talking to, then it really wasn’t.
“Alright ladies, let’s not get our knickers in a twist over an Ikea couch,” I said playing referee and calling time out.
“Hey! What’s wrong with my couch?!” Pip said making me wince. Sophia turned to me with an evil grin, folded her arms and said,
“Yeah Kaz, what’s wrong with her coke stained, orphaned ‘I need a home, please sir, can I have some more’, Oliver couch?”
“Oooh I like that, it’s catchy,” Pip said making me think I was in the clear, that was until she said,
“Yeah, so what’s wrong with ?”
“Oliver?”
“New couch name,” Pip stated still with her hands on her hips. I looked to Sophia with a scowl and then masked my features before turning back to Pip and saying,
“Oh, don’t listen to me, I am pregnant and talking crazy preggy talk… I love your new couch…Oliver.” I added his new name tentatively when she didn’t look convinced,
“Pulling the pregnant card again, are we?” Sophia said leaning closer and whispering next to me.
“Yes well, when your ankles are as fat as mine then you can comment, but until then, I am using the preggy card as much as I can!” I growled at her side on, making her laugh. Just then the men came through the doors thankfully saving me from a Pip meltdown as Adam bounced the giant toothbrush on Pip’s head making her giggle before he began to chase her with it shouting on about him being the new naughty tooth fairy. Of course, our Pip loved it.
“Ambrogetti should mean ‘Big Kids’ not Immortal,” Sophia muttered with a shake of her head before Zagan snuck up behind her and wrapped a giant heart with arms around her neck for a hug. She jumped before bursting into a fit of giggles and turning around to take her own soft toy gift in her hands. Then she looked up at him as though he had just handed her the biggest diamond before kissing him passionately.
Needless to say, the whole scene made me cry and in turn made Ragnar panic. He left the trolley instantly making it crash into a stone bollard and before I could utter a word he was in front of me, holding on to my arms checking me over.
“What is wrong, what has happened?! Are you unwell, is the baby…?”
“Ragnar it’s fine, I am just over-emotional and happy,” I told him after rubbing my nose. He looked down at me as if trying to detect a lie before disbelief made him frown.
“You be happy?” I nodded with a little laugh.
“I don’t understand you women,” he muttered grumpily as he let me go. So, I patted his arm and then reached up as far as I could whilst pulling down at his jacket so he would get the hint. He let me pull him closer so I could whisper,
“You’re not supposed to, big guy.” Then I kissed his cheek making him grunt to hide how much the gesture had touched him. I knew it had because he actually blushed before hiding his face by turning back to retrieve the trolley. By this time Zagan had taken his own trolley off towards the car leaving me and Sophia standing there alone together.
“So, you know once Dom finds out how cheap this stuff was he is never going to let you put it in your bedchamber, don’t you?” She informed me with a smirk but I just patted my big belly and said,
“Maybe we should have a bet on that…preggy card remember.” She looked down at my belly and smiled before patting it herself. Then she looked back at the still blushing Ragnar and replied,
“Well considering you just turned a Viking King to putty, then I guess I will give you that one but just so you know…” She paused so that she could look at me and said something that filled me with dread,
“I am not sure all that baby furniture is going to match what Pip got you.” After hearing this I decided to just rip the band aid off in one swift move by asking,
“Why, what did Pip get me?” Sophia had started walking ahead and stopped to tell me over her shoulder…
“That condemned rocking chair she found on the side of the road of course.” Then she continued towards the car, only this time with a huge evil smirk on her face.
There was only one thing left for me to mutter at her back…
“Damn evil sister Demons!”