Nick was visiting Jesse with Patrick, who had just turned two weeks old. I had excused myself as soon as I politely could. I knew how the conversation would go: Nick would marvel at the joy of being a parent and how amazing and precious babies were. Jesse would respond with how eager he was for their little one to get there, and I, had I stayed, would have sat awkwardly in the corner with nothing to contribute. If Kit were here, she and I could have discussed something else, like books or movies, but she had gone up to Columbia for some shopping today. 

To tell the truth, I was dreading the arrival of this child. In part, it was the lack of sleep and long nights with no one to help, but more than that, it was the fact that Charles wouldn't be here for any of it. He wouldn't see the birth, or hold her. He wouldn't laugh as she learned to crawl and walk and talk. He wouldn't get to see Evan be a big brother, or Liam to teach Evan how to be one. 

And Liam was still missing. I felt as if my entire life was on hold until I recovered my eldest son, but the world and this child insisted on moving things along with or without my permission.

I felt terrible for thinking it, but sometimes I felt as if the universe had given me this child as a consolation prize for losing Charles. If I had gotten the choice? I would have chosen Charles over the child every time.

I really was a terrible father. How could I bring this little one into a world so tattered and torn, with only a broken and battered omega to care for her?

Evan was down for a nap, as was Aspen, so I took the opportunity to escape the house. It had taken me a couple months to get comfortable with the idea of leaving Evan, even for a short time and with someone I trusted, but I felt comfortable enough now to leave for thirty minutes to an hour, to just walk or... visit... with Kurt.

I didn't fool myself into thinking it was possible that we'd kept our actions hidden from everyone. We lived with a group of shifters, for crying out loud. They could scent sex from a mile away. But no one ever tried to talk to me about it, and I was grateful for that. There wasn't anything to talk about, for one. It was just a thing. It wasn't serious.

I felt listless, wandering out here with nowhere in mind. I didn't want to go far in case Evan woke up. From here, I could feel the calming wave of his deep slumber. My eyes drifted up to the blue sky, filled with fluffy clouds, perfect for cloud watching. Evan was a little too young, but Liam was the just the right age.

Every way I turned, something reminded me off my loss. But that was better than forgetting. I clung to the memories of my oldest son. Six months was a long time in a child's life. I closed my eyes as my worst fears played through my mind. That he was hurt. Hungry. Angry at me. I clung to the hope that no matter what, he was alive. That was the one thing I could not bear. 

My eyes flew open again and I stared longingly at the skies. If only I could remind my body how to shift, I could fly, I could use my sharp eyes to seek him out...

My hand dropped to my rounded stomach. But no. Even if I could shift and fly, I had no idea where to look, and I couldn't put myself and this child at risk. I couldn't chance leaving Evan with no parents on just the hope of finding Liam. If there were a firmer possibility, they'd have to chain me up from going to my son, but until then, I had to protect my other children.

I felt Evan beginning to stir. It would still be a few minutes before he woke, but it was time for me to head back anyway. I felt the sudden need to cuddle him closely—as best I could with my pregnant belly and lack of a lap—and breathe in his scent.

Meredith was approaching the porch at the same time as I did. As always, she came from the south, through the woods. "Good afternoon, Benjamin. How are you feeling?"

What an empty greeting. Did anyone really want to know how I was feeling? I did my best to press on a smile. "Fine, thank you."

"I'm just going to check on Patrick, and then I should be ready for you, if that works."

I had forgotten we had an appointment today. This pregnancy was so different from the previous two, when I had been anxiously counting down the days between visits with our midwife. Now they snuck up on me without warning, reminding me that time was passing more quickly than I cared.

"I have to get Evan out of bed first, so that will be fine."

She disappeared into the kitchen while I made my way upstairs. Evan tossed and turned, the awakening I felt in our connection displaying itself in his body. I sat beside him and rested a hand on his hair and he calmed for a moment. Then he pushed himself up, blinking sleepily, and crawled into my lap to be held. I had to hold him chest to chest, his head resting on my shoulder, his legs flopping over my belly. No curling up in my arms right now unless I wanted to strain my shoulders.

"Are you hungry?" I asked, and he nodded against my shoulder. I missed the sound of his sweet voice. Yet another thing that had been taken from us. Would the list never end?

I checked on Aspen, who was still sleeping soundly. As I carried Evan down to the kitchen, I clung to the hope that we were finally doing something, finally striking out against Wamp, returning some of the damage to him that he had done to us. Whether the others approved of me being there or not, tomorrow I would go with them to burn Wamp's house down. And heaven help anyone who tried to get in my way.