Tony and I stood outside the Old Bailey, sipping on bad takeaway coffee and waiting out the last few minutes before we had to go inside. He knew just how difficult a day I had ahead of me, and he didn’t try to fill the quiet with random small talk. He let me have my time to think and prepare.

I’d left Lee’s bed early in the morning, my heart sore as I watched him sleep. My gaze traced the contours of his body, taking pictures to store in my memory. I was lost in thought when I felt Tony nudge me with his elbow, and looked up to see the Cross brothers arrive. They all wore suits, looking smart and professional. It was at odds with their usual laid-back, streetwise style.

My heart pounded when I locked eyes with Lee, flashbacks from the night before flooding my mind. I remembered how his lips tasted, how his hands roamed my skin, claiming everything they touched. It was a cold day, but I still felt too hot in my uniform. It was suffocating, and I suddenly found it hard to breathe.

Two men approached the brothers, their legal representation, I was assuming. Some words were exchanged, and then they all began to make their way toward the courthouse. The closer Lee got, the more my lungs constricted, and when he walked right past me without so much as a glance, I felt bereft.

“Come on, we better head inside, too,” said Tony, his voice gentle.

Knocking back the last of my coffee, I followed him in, and we took our seats in the court room. There were a number of cases being heard that day, and when the judge came in, he looked harried and stressed. Why did judges always look like that? Like the last thing they had in the world was time, and you were being intolerably rude by presuming you warranted even a moment of it.

Several other cases were heard first, and I was glad because I wasn’t ready for all eyes to be on me yet. Unfortunately, it all went by too quickly. Tony gave his account of what happened, and before I knew it, I was being called to the stand to give evidence. Every step felt like an eternity, and when I sat and cleared my throat, I couldn’t see anyone else in the room but Lee, his expression stoic as he watched me from the public viewing stand.

I’d spoken in court countless times before, but today was different. Stammering nervously through my statement, I just wanted it to be over. When I was dismissed, I practically ran from the room, finding the ladies’ and shutting myself inside. I seemed to be having quite a few bathroom panic attacks lately.

Trying to steady my shaking hands, I imagined they’d be calling Liam to the stand. He’d have his say, and then he’d be asked to give up the name of the person he worked for. He’d tell them it was Lee, and then everything would fall to pieces.

I was in there for at least twenty minutes when I heard voices shouting angrily from outside. Immediately, I hurried from the bathroom to see what was happening. Following the sound of the argument, I found all four brothers at the end of one corridor. Trevor held Lee back, who was fuming at Stu, a look in his eyes like he wanted to commit murder.

“How the fuck could you do this?!” Lee yelled, his face red with fury.

“I had to,” said Stu, his expression resigned as he tried to reason with his brother. “There wasn’t another way.”

“Of course there was. We already decided. Everything had been decided!”

“You’re wrong — none of us got a say. You made the decision for all of us, thinking you could just put your head on the chopping block like always. Well, this time I’m not letting you be the martyr.”

“So you thought you’d be one instead? You’re supposed to be my brother — you’re not supposed to lie to me. You let me walk into that courtroom thinking Liam was going to give my name, knowing full well you’d convinced him to give yours instead.”

Time stood still as my hand went to my mouth and I silently gasped. Stu had switched places with Lee. What the hell? The brothers stared each other down.

“Ever since we were kids you’ve taken the brunt of the shit we’ve had to go through, but I’m the eldest. It should’ve been me.” Stu looked away, his shoulders turned inward with something close to shame. He ran his hands through his short hair before turning back. “Now it’s my turn to make a sacrifice for this family, just like you’ve been doing your whole life.”

Lee began shaking his head frantically, turmoil written all over his face. When he spoke, his voice was strained. “Nah, I’m not letting you do this.”

“It’s already been done,” said Stu, stepping forward and placing his hands on Lee’s shoulders. “You need to let it happen.”

Lee growled, ripping Stu’s hands off him and turning away.

“It’s bullshit, and I’m not accepting it,” he shouted before he began stomping down the hall in my direction.

I’d never seen him look so furious, like he was about to explode out of his own skin and transform into the Incredible Hulk. He stopped abruptly when he saw me, a million feelings mixing into one heartbreaking look. It was almost like I could read his thoughts, because in that moment, I knew he blamed me. I was the perfect scapegoat. I’d been the one behind the wheel that day, and I’d had a hand in Liam being here. I’d had a hand in all of this. I could almost feel the anger corrupting him, twisting and evolving into a raging bull just beneath the surface of his skin as he stared me down.

There was no reasoning with him now. I knew that, and I knew he said he could never hate me, but right then I thought he’d come close.

I didn’t blame him, not one bit. Because it was right for him to hate me. Him hating me was the natural order of things, and he should’ve done since the moment he first laid eyes on me. This was good, I tried to reassure myself. Lee finally seeing the destruction us being together created was beneficial to everyone. I could handle this. Last night I’d said goodbye; I’d mentally prepared myself for the separation.

So why did it feel like my heart was breaking all over again? Inside the strings were snapping with a violent crack, indefinitely severed.

After locking me in his stare for what felt like forever, Lee didn’t breathe a word, just stalked right by me and out the door. Somehow that was worse, his silence. I would have preferred him to shout something terrible, call me a bitch. That way, I could hate him in return, but I didn’t.

And the terrifying thing was that I never would.

***

“Stu got seven years,” Alexis told me a few weeks later as I drove her to the doctor’s for one of her scheduled checkups. “With good behaviour he could be out in two.”

“Who told you this?” I asked, my hands gripping the steering wheel too tight, instantly clammy with sweat.

“I bumped into the Trevor on the high street.”

“Did he say how Lee’s been holding up?” My heart pounded to think of him, knowing he’d have moved on from blaming me and started in on himself.

“He’s angry, drinking too much, a nightmare to live with, according to Trevor,” Alexis answered.

“I can imagine.”

She glanced at me sideways. “He never tried to make contact with you, did he?”

“Not since the day in court,” I answered, unable to disguise the sadness in my voice. A day later, I found my car keys in an envelope slotted through our letterbox. My car sat repaired and good as new outside the building, the final connection between us carefully cut. Sure, no contact was for the best, but it still stung that he never even tried to call, not once.

Alexis reached over and gave my arm a squeeze, empathy in her eyes. “When you grow up like those boys did, around people who’d knife you for so much as looking at them the wrong way, everything in life is either one extreme or the other. And they hold grudges, serious grudges. It’s the only way they know how to operate.”

“You think I don’t know this? I deal with people like that every day.”

“Then why are you acting so heartbroken? Deep down, you expected this. You know you did.”

I heaved a breath. “Yeah, well, I have daddy issues. It’s not surprising that I picked the wrong man to fall in love with,” I joked flatly.

Her hand still rested on my arm, and she gave me another squeeze, her other hand going to her belly. “Why don’t we make a pact to stop loving men who aren’t good for us, and put all our love into the little one who’ll be arriving soon?” Her smile was tender, and I practically squealed.

“You’re having a boy?! When did you find this out?”

“The other week. I was going to keep it a secret, but you know me, can’t keep my big mouth shut for love nor money.”

I was so excited, I almost stopped the car. “So it’s going to be an Oliver after all,” I said, grinning widely, momentarily forgetting my worries. “I can’t wait to meet him.”

Alexis returned my grin. “Me neither.”

***

Cheers sounded from inside the station, and I frowned curiously as I walked in to find a crowd of officers circling my dad, all congratulating him and patting him on the back. I stepped up to Keira, who was standing by the reception desk, and asked what was going on.

“Your old man just sent Tommy McGregor away for fifteen years. Got him up on racketeering and money-laundering charges.”

“Seriously?” I asked, shocked.

I knew my dad was determined, but at the back of my mind, I’d almost thought McGregor would be his Chinese Democracy, his one unfinished piece of work. My eyes wandered across the station, where I saw Jennings standing in a doorway, arms folded. Her gaze was fixed on my dad, her expression revealing a begrudging sort of respect. I watched as my dad turned in her direction, caught her watching, and gave her a single nod of acknowledgment. She nodded back, then turned and left the room. It was like she’d silently accepted what he’d done for her without the need to exchange words. They’d never be friends, but the feud between them was finally over.

A strange relief hit me as I realised Lee could’ve been caught the same as McGregor if he hadn’t gotten out when he did. And with the man behind bars, Lee and his family could relax, knowing he wasn’t going to try to come into their lives again. Now I just worried for Stu, because truthfully, I wasn’t sure he’d get out after just two years. Sure, of all the brothers, he was probably the most suited to prison. He was the biggest and least sensitive, and he was certainly tough. I couldn’t see many men being brave enough to try to intimidate him. I just hoped he kept to himself and avoided unnecessary trouble.

***

Months went by, and I started to fall into a regular routine. The more time that passed, the less my heart hurt. My life was a series of work, studying for my sergeant’s exam (yes, Jennings finally decided to approve my application!) and helping Alexis in the final stages of her pregnancy. We planned for either me or her dad to drive her to the hospital, depending on whoever was available.

I was on the late shift, just about to take a break, when I pulled out my phone to check if I had any missed calls. Glancing at the screen and seeing Lee’s name caused everything inside of me to spiral out of control. Every painful feeling of heartache returned in an instant, just from looking at his name. Before I could delve too deeply into what that meant, my phone started ringing again.

With a shaking hand I answered it, lifting the phone to my ear, my voice scratchy. “Uh, hello?”

“Karla, thank fuck. Listen, you need to get yourself down the hospital. Alexis has gone into labour,” he told me urgently.

All at once my heart did a somersault, half in panic, half in excitement. I hadn’t been expecting this, because she wasn’t due for at least another ten days. The baby was coming early. “What…uh, I mean, why are you calling?”

“She couldn’t get through to you and her dad’s at work. She called me to drive her to the hospital.”

I was already on the move, mouthing the words “Alexis” and “Baby” at Tony, so he knew where I was going. He nodded and motioned for me to run. I knew he’d cover for me until I could get back.

“Okay, well, I’m on my way. I’ll be there in a few minutes,” I said, then heard someone moaning in the background, and it wasn’t a moan of pleasure. “Are you in the delivery room?” I asked with a jolt.

Lee’s voice held a hint of humour, but mostly he sounded stressed. “She won’t let me leave until you get here, and I’d appreciate it if you hurried, because she’s doing a good job of cutting off the blood supply to my hand right now.”

I laughed, a high-pitched, airy sound, as I slid into a patrol car and put my foot on the gas. I even turned on the sirens, and Lee chuckled when he heard them. “Such a little rule-breaker.”

I smirked at his comment and hung up the phone. I was on an adrenaline rush, not only because the baby was coming, but also because I hadn’t spoken to Lee in months, and his voice alone had the ability to excite me.

When I arrived at the hospital, I rushed through the corridors, following the signs for the maternity ward. The place was like a maze, and it felt like it took forever for me to find the delivery room. Still in my full police uniform, I burst inside, all eyes turning to me as I stood there, breathless.

“I’m here,” I announced dumbly, seeing Lee standing next to Alexis, who sure enough was gripping his hand like her life depended on it. Her face was red and sweaty, but it was etched with relief when she saw me, and she finally let go of Lee. He walked toward me, his eyes drinking me in like he hadn’t seen me in years. Levelling his palms on my shoulders, he whispered, “Take care of her,” and then he was gone.

I hurried to my best friend’s side, lifted the hand Lee had just been holding, and began taking deep breaths right alongside her.