Chapter Fifteen

 

We sat on the front of Niko’s boat, the new appliances loaded and our trip back to Maui nearly complete. “I can’t believe we paid over fifteen grand for the appliances,” I lamented. “Gideon is going to have a cow,” I said for the tenth time since yesterday afternoon.

He rolled his eyes to the sky. “We already talked to him and he okayed it. Gideon knows what it costs to run a business, but he also knows it’s important to buy quality or you’ll be buying it again in a year when it breaks.”

“I suppose, but man, three grand for a microwave?” I shivered, and he laughed.

“I’ll have you know the microwave we bought is like the Cadillac of microwaves. It steams the food and does it fast.”

I held up a finger. “And it’s programmable with a flash drive, so even I can’t burn stuff.”

He laughed and leaned over, kissing my lips. “You joke, but I know you’re capable of cooking the basics. The convection oven I picked up will be a lifesaver for both of us, since we have to plan meals that are easy to make, and meals kids will eat.”

“I agree, and I’m mostly giving you a hard time, even though I do think it’s outrageous cost wise. I know we have to have it. I loved how you thought about the kids with the fridges.”

He cocked his head. “What do you mean? Of course you need fridges.”

I laughed, my head tossed backward to soak up the warm January sun. “I mean when you told the salesman we should have one metal fridge so the kids can use magnetic letters on it, and one see through fridge so the kids could see their healthy food choices like juice, fruit, and vegetables. You’re going to make a great dad someday. Especially if you put as much love and care into their meals as you do when you feed me, which you’re always doing, by the way.”

Last night after we finished shopping he took me back to Orchid Reef Resort, sat me down in the private dining room, and cooked our meal with the chef in the kitchen. He brought out a beautiful meal of Hawaiian spiny lobster grilled with garlic butter, and salad with avocado buttermilk dressing. The lobster was sweet and savory, and I may have slurped a few times while eating. The salad made of fresh greens and topped with celery strips, green onions, water chestnuts, pineapple, sesame seeds, cucumber, baby carrots, and grape tomatoes was almost a meal in itself, so I was thankful we shared the plate, rather than each having our own. Executive Chef Winehouse was very accommodating and seemed to truly enjoy the time he and Sawyer spent together.

Sawyer clasped my hand and brought it to his lips to kiss. “I feed you because I love you. It’s my job to cook food, it’s true, but when I cook for you, it’s more a mission of love. I try to perfectly balance the food I feed you, to strengthen your muscles and add some weight to your frame in a healthy way.”

I shifted in my chair, attempting to straighten my leg more before it spasmed. “You think I’m too thin?”

He stared off over the water for a few moments before he answered. “I’m not you, and you know how you are most comfortable in your skin.”

I chuckled. “Very diplomatic, Sawyer.”

He shook his head a few times. “I’m not trying to be diplomatic. I want you to know I love you regardless of how much you weigh. Do I want to feed you and strengthen your body? Absolutely, because I can see how the recovery has taken a toll on you. You’re run down and weary. Am I right?”

I sighed. “You’re right. I’ve lost over thirty pounds, and no matter how much I eat, I can’t keep the weight on. The doctors told me I would burn more calories than I used to now, and they must be right. I’m not hungry a lot of the time either, which probably works against my efforts.”

He slipped his hand across my cheek and cupped my neck, drawing me closer to him. “Why aren’t you hungry?” he asked, his lips tasting mine.

When he stopped kissing me long enough to answer, I did. “I’m sure it’s a combination of my medications, depression, fear Jarrett will find me, and pain.”

He rested his head on my forehead. “I wish I could make all of this go away for you. It makes my heart clench to hear you say you’re depressed and in pain.”

I slipped my right hand up to his cheek and rubbed his temple with my thumb. “You’ve helped,” I whispered, my voice barely audible over the sound of the yacht plowing through the water. “You remind me I have a new life now and I can stop living the old one. Even if Jarrett is on the loose, one day he’ll be captured and out of my life for the most part.”

“For the most part?” he repeated, turning it into a question.

My hand strayed to the pendant resting on my chest. “I’ll always be tied to him because of my baby, and in a way, my injury. I don’t want to forget about my baby, even if its father is a maniac. The baby was part of me, and one day I want to tell my children about their baby brother or sister in heaven. Does that sound melodramatic or corny?”

His head swayed back and forth as our eyes locked. “It sounds like something a mother who loved her child would say,” he answered. “You get to feel any way you want to feel about the events of the past year, and if keeping yourself centered on your baby helps you get from one day to the next, then I don’t think that’s melodramatic or corny at all.”

I bit my lip and nodded a few times. “I’m doing okay. I know it seems like I’m focused on the baby right now, but if things hadn’t gone the way they had, I would now be holding him in my arms. Now that my due date has passed, I hope it’s easier to let the anger and sadness go. I’ll never forget, but I also don’t want to become a bitter woman who can’t see the future because she’s stuck in the past.”

“You’re doing better than okay. You’re doing fabulous, even if you don’t think you are. The rest of us see how hard you work and your dedication to Kate and the resort. No one wants you to forget about your child. He or she was part of you. Did you have a name in mind?” he asked out of the blue.

I cocked my head. “A name? For the baby?”

He nodded. “I was thinking maybe you should give the baby a name. I know you don’t know if it was a boy or a girl, but I think a name would be better than saying ‘the baby’ all the time. Using a name makes he or she real, and lets them live in our memory as an abstract personality rather than an unnamed memory.”

I held his face in my hands. “I still think it was a boy.”

He smiled and fought against my hands to kiss my lips. His tenderness made me want to cry and hug him at the same time. “They say mothers can sense those things, so let’s choose a boy name?” I shifted uncomfortably and stared over his shoulder, until he tipped my chin back to lock gazes. “Did I say something wrong? You don’t have to name him. It was only an idea.”

“You didn’t say anything wrong,” I said, my lip trembling slightly. “You’ve validated my feelings in a way you may never understand. When I think about him, I call him Gabriel in my mind.”

“Like the angel,” he said and I nodded.

“Gabriel was the angel who told of Jesus’s birth. He also presides over heaven as the angel of joy, life, truth, and dreams.” I put my hand on the angel pendant again. “It’s why I keep this so close to me and never take it off. It’s my Gabriel in physical form.”

He gathered me close to him and kissed me, my tears salty against our lips. He accepted them as part of the healing process and didn’t wipe them away, but let them become part of both of us. “From now on, we’ll refer to him as Gabriel. It’s the perfect name for your angel.”

I slid my arms around his neck and hugged him. “I love you and the way you love me. Most men wouldn’t worry about my feelings for a child created with a madman.”

He kissed my neck, nuzzling the spot with his nose for a moment. “I love hearing you say you love me. My heart squeezes and tears spring to my eyes every time. I love you more than my own life, Rose. It might be hard for some people to believe when we haven’t known each other for long, but I feel like our souls have been connected forever. All we had to do was follow our own lines until we met in the middle. Your feelings will always be the most important thing to me, and acknowledging your child, and I mean, your child, isn’t difficult for me to do. I want you to be happy, and I want Gabriel to be part of our lives. I would never disrespect you by pretending he didn’t exist, however brief his time with you was.”

I rested my tired head on his shoulder. “I always dreamed of finding a guy who loved me the same way Gideon loves Kate, and now I have.”

He pulled me onto his lap and relaxed back into the lounger, my whole torso on his chest to rest. “The way Gideon loves Kate?”

I nodded. “He would die for her, Sawyer. Of that, I have no doubt. Since the day he showed up in Snowberry he was a goner. He knew he screwed up in Hawaii the first time they met, and he also understood on a soul deep level this was God giving him a second chance with the woman he was supposed to be with. He knew he better not screw it up again. There’s something special about them, even when they were yelling their fool heads off at each other in Kate’s office the first day he showed up in Snowberry. I could hear them all the way out in the main reception area. Then in an instant, it went dead silent.”

“They called a truce?” he asked, stroking my hair.

I chuckled. “No, Gideon grabbed Kate and hushed her with his lips, and his tongue. She said it was the hottest and most profound kiss she’s ever had, even if he made her madder than a wet hen.”

His lips sought mine and the ocean sounds surrounded us as we kissed. His tongue found mine and his lap grew hard the longer it lasted. He tore his lips from mine and panted, shifting around under me to rub himself against me and ease his pain.

“Have I ever kissed you the way she described Gideon’s?” he asked, his thumb rubbing across my face in a rhythm.

I nodded slowly. “The night in my apartment when you brought me champagne and told me I was beautiful. When you kissed me, you didn’t take more than I offered, and you respected my feelings. Those were the things you did to solidify you in my heart; respect and understanding. One kiss changed my whole outlook on my future. I suddenly understood I might still be worthy of love and companionship.”

He put my hand over his board shorts. “Oh, there’s no might about it, sweetheart. Do you feel what you do to me every time we kiss? No matter how hard I try, my body rejects my determination to play it cool. Are you worthy of love and companionship? More than I am, which is for damn sure. You deserve nothing but happiness now, and I want to be the man to give it to you.” I rubbed him through the slick material, my eyes closed as I felt his moan under my cheek. It growled through his chest and it made me slick with want. “I wish I could make love to you right now,” he whispered. “I would show you how a man who would do anything for a woman makes her feel.”

“We’re alone here and Niko is driving the boat,” I whispered.

He groaned long and low as if he was relieving himself of the torture in his lower half. “You’re naughty and going to get me in trouble. I also don’t have any condoms.”

I twisted around carefully, so I was straddling his lap. I kissed him, biting and sucking at his lips as he ground himself against me. “I told you last night you don’t need condoms. My own insecurities were rearing their ugly head. My reasoning was, if I made you wear a condom, even though you knew I was protected, it would make you think twice about wanting to be with me, and my little world would continue to spin on a single axis. Instead, you respected my feelings, bought condoms, and were prepared when the time came. You lifting the silver packet from between the towels was all it took for my heart to know you’d always protect it, and I could trust you.”

He kissed me, his fingers digging into my shoulders. “Always,” he whispered. “I’m always going to protect you, even if it costs me my own life.”

He slipped his hand inside the fly of his board shorts and released himself, his hardness yearning for my touch. His back to the stairs, I could watch for anyone approaching over his shoulder, but I wasn’t worried. We were alone. His fingers tugged at my bikini bottoms and he touched me, sucking in a breath when he encountered my intense desire for him.

“Let me do the work,” he whispered and then he guided me over him, settling me on his lap. I sighed, and the sound made him twitch inside me. My head over his shoulder, I rested on his chest as he held me against him, his hips barely moving, but still stoking the fire between us.

“Sawyer, I didn’t know it could be like this,” I moaned softly into his neck, the pressure building in my body.

“This is love,” he whispered as he kissed my neck, his hips massaging us to ecstasy. He moaned low and quietly, the sounds of our pleasure covered by the rumble of the boat’s motor. “You feel like heaven, Rose. I need to let go,” he cried into my neck. “Oh, God,” he growled and my own mind exploded. I rode the swing into the sky as he twitched and bucked inside me

I collapsed onto his chest, his hands already straightening my clothes in case we were interrupted by Niko. His hands rubbed my back as his breathing returned to normal. “I’m a goner, baby,” he said, his lips on my cheek. “I’m quickly becoming addicted to the way you make me feel. I realize after being with you, I’ve never made love before. I’ve had sex, but it was never as soul-fulfilling as being with you is. I could die right now and be a happy man having spent my last moments wrapped up in you.”

I lifted my head and kissed him languidly. “I’m beginning to understand what all the fuss is about. I always thought sex was a chore and never understood the allure of it, until now. Until you.”

He kissed my forehead, and shifted me around to lay next to him, so it didn’t look suspicious if Niko showed up. The water plowed under us as we rode toward home and I sighed. Once we arrived there our private, special time would be behind us and we’d be back to work and the reality of my injury. The massage therapist and orthotic provider had called me yesterday within an hour of leaving the clinic. We got an early start today and it was barely eight a.m. At ten I had an appointment to get the brace measured. They would work on making it and I would return to the resort for a massage. Gideon has a massage therapist on staff at the spa, but she declined the job since she isn’t trained in medical treatments. Instead, the therapist Dr. Keoki recommended would come to the resort for the massages. They don’t want me going offsite any more than I have to, they said.

I caressed his face with my hand. “Can I ask you something?”

He smiled down at me and winked. “Anything, sweetheart.”

I closed my eyes and swallowed, wondering if he knew how hard it was for me to ask this question. “Will you be able to come with me to my brace fitting and massage appointments or will you have to work? I was hoping you’d want to be part of the appointments and my treatments. I loved the way you supported and helped me yesterday and I would rather not do all of it alone anymore. If you learn the massage maybe you could be the one to continue the treatments when I’m done?”

His grip tightened on me and what I saw in his eyes told me I made the right decision asking him. “I thought you’d never ask, baby,” he whispered. “I want to be part of it with you and learn the techniques to make you feel better.”

I grinned. “I love you, and I know it’s time to prove I trust you.”

He laughed and kissed my lips. “We just made love on the deck of a yacht at seven-thirty in the morning in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. I think you trust me.”

“I trust you with my body, yes,” I answered, “but I’m still learning to trust you with my heart.”

“But you love me?” he asked, his voice confused and his eyes clouded.

I nodded. “It’s complicated.”

He barked with laughter. “It’s not complicated, not at all. I know you’re coming from a different place, though. I’ll give you time to heal and to learn to trust with your heart again. In the meantime, I’m going to be with you every step of the way.”

“What about work?” I asked him.

He pointed toward the front of the boat. “There’s the island. We’ll be docked in ten minutes. Gideon has me out for the day already. He didn’t want you going alone to your appointment off the resort. He wanted me to drive you, even if you didn’t ask me to go in with you. I guess Kate isn’t feeling well and he wouldn’t want to send the two of you alone anyway.”

“What’s wrong with Kate?” I asked, sitting up straight. “Is it her heart.”

He gave me the palms up. “He didn’t say, but you know Gideon is on top of whatever it is. We’ll check in with him when we get back to the hotel. Just relax.”

I lowered myself back to the chair. “What about this afternoon during the therapy appointment? It’s during your prep time.”

He kissed my forehead and whispered. “Trust me, okay. I’ve got this.”

I nodded and his lips bobbed up and down with the motion of my head. “Promise me if you ever feel like I’m asking too much of you, you’ll tell me. I don’t want to be a burden to you.”

He held my chin, his eyes an intense blue as he stared me down. “I’ve told you before and this is the last time I will say this; you are not a burden to me or anyone. I will never get tired of helping you and you’ll never ask too much of me. My dream is one day you’ll ask me to be your everything in this world. I’m going to be here to do just that.”

Staring into the depths of his deep blue eyes I watched my future unfold. The good times, the bad times, our joys and our sorrows were all there for the taking. Our lives together could be everything I ever dreamed about once I learned to trust myself. I sucked in a breath as an electric shock went through me.

He sat up and grasped my shoulders, steadying me. “Spasm?” he asked. “Are you okay?” He wiped a tear as it fell from my eye at the pure surge of emotion ripping through me.

“I…I…we’re soulmates,” I stuttered, the word bursting forth in capital letters from behind my eyes. “I always thought it only happened to the Kate and Gideons of the world, but I saw my future in your eyes. It’s not about learning to trust you. It’s about learning to trust myself, and not second guessing my judgement anymore.” I put my hand to my mouth, the slight tremor giving away how overcome with emotion I was. “I don’t want to live like this anymore. I want to stop punishing myself for doing something every normal person does, which is date and get to know people. I want him out of my life. I want my life back and I want to be with the person I’m meant to be with.” My hand moved to my chest and his hand covered it, a smile on his face.

“Beautiful, you have no idea how my heart exploded to hear you say those words. I’ve known you were my soulmate since the first day you came to the resort and I brought you soup and bread. Your face was lined with bruises and pain, but you took my breath away. You can bet I will protect you until we get him out of your life, and we will get him, but then you’re mine, forever.”