Chapter Six

 

I couldn’t decide what to wear. I didn’t know why it mattered, but for some reason it did. He’s seen me in everything from jean shorts to sundresses, and nothing was going to be a surprise or knock his socks off, as he’s so fond of saying. I flipped through the dresses in the closet and frowned. Everything was super casual and nothing said, ‘I’m sexy and I know it.’ Then again, maybe I don’t want to be sexy. It might give him the wrong idea.

I sighed. “You need to get a grip, Rosie. He’s going to be here in fifteen minutes and it would be smart to have clothes on, any kind of clothes.”

I glanced down at my underwear clad body and grimaced when I saw the scars covering my left leg. There was nothing sexy about those and I would do well to remember it. Sawyer deserved a woman with the energy and stamina to keep up with his busy life. I’ve seen him in the gym. He goes hard and fast in everything he does and the hard and fast ship sailed for me a year ago. I’m lucky if I can go soft and slow most days.

My eyes landed on a purple chiffon skirt in the back of the closet. It was knee length and covered my scars, but paired with the right top it would look flirty and cute. I grabbed it from the hanger and threw it on the bed, then pawed through the other clothes until I found my white, off the shoulder pull over blouse. The outfit said young and flirty, and it fit me well. I pulled the shirt on and then the skirt, tucking in the shirt and adding a belt around my waist. Standing in front of the mirror I was happy with the look. It appeared I was wearing a dress, and hopefully he would love it. I sat on the bed and pulled on a pair of ballet flats. I had five pairs because they were the only thing somewhat dressy which allowed me to walk and not fall down. Forget about heels, wedges, or sandals. None of those worked with crutches and a jacked-up leg. At least with the ballet flats my foot always connected with the ground, and I knew where it was at all times.

I leaned into the mirror and swiped on some mascara, then fluffed my shoulder length bleach blonde hair. The first thing I did when I arrived in Hawaii was dye my hair. I wanted a new look, but I also wanted to hide behind it. If Jarrett was looking for me, a change in hair color, and a pair of fake glasses was the best I could do to conceal my identity. Over time, the glasses fell away and I stopped worrying about putting on a disguise every time I went out. Maybe that’s the wrong move, but it’s hard to live in fear every second of every day and maintain a level of high alert. It’s hard on your body and your mind.

A knock sounded and I gave myself one last look before I grabbed my crutch and limped toward the door. It was going to be a two-crutch night, unfortunately. I frowned. There was no way to hold hands when you were using two crutches. “Now we’re holding hands?” I muttered. “This is a working date, Rosie.”

I peeked through the peephole and Sawyer stood on the other side of the door. He wore a dress shirt open at the neck and a sport coat made of cream linen. His hair was damp and styled in a swoop to the right and once again he was clean shaven. He must have left the restaurant an hour ago to have time to get this dressed up.

I opened the door and he smiled, his enthusiasm contagious. “Good evening, Rose. How are you?” he asked, stepping forward and kissing my cheek.

I returned the smile. “Honestly? Better now that you’re here, as hard as it is to admit.”

He strode forward, forcing me backward into the apartment. He closed the door and leaned against it, pulling me into a hug. He held me, his arms across my back and his face in my neck. “Why is it hard to admit?” he asked, his breath tickling my neck as he inhaled and exhaled slowly, as if he was drinking in the scent of me.

“Because you’re a man and I should be untrusting of all men for the rest of my life,” I whispered.

His arms tightened around me. “Oh, sweetheart. Not all men are bad. Not all men will hurt you. The right man will do the opposite and heal you. Look at Kate and Gideon or Ellie and Mr. I.T. They’ve been through their share of heartache, but they’re stronger for it.”

“Which is the problem,” I whispered. “I see them every day and it drives home how alone I am in this world.”

He kissed my cheek and trailed his lips down to my chest before he glanced up to hold my eyes. “You’re only alone if you allow yourself to be alone. No one can hurt you within the walls of your home because no one will let them. You’re safe here with us and I hope you understand when you’re in my arms, you’re safe, too. I’ll never do anything to hurt you, Rose. You’re special, and all I want to do is get to know you better. Sure, I’ve had a crush on you since the first day I laid eyes on you. I’ve dreamed about holding you in my arms like this since I met you, but I’m only doing it because you’re allowing it. I’m following your cues. Do you understand? I’ll never push you to be more or do more than you’re comfortable with.”

I nodded quickly, my eyes never leaving his. “You always know what I need to hear, too,” I said, a small smile tipping my lips up.

He released me and brought his arm around to the front of him, holding a single pink rose. “This is for you, a perfect rose for a perfect rose.”

I accepted the flower and held it to my nose, inhaling deeply. “Thank you, it’s beautiful,” I agreed, noticing a tag on the flower. I read it to myself. A pink rose represents admiration, gentleness, grace, gladness, joy, and sweetness. I read that on a sheet near the cooler of flowers. I sense you need all of those things in your life, and I want to be the one to provide them. Never stop being you, Rose. You’re perfect and I admire you, more than you’ll ever know. S.

I held the flower to my chest and a tear fell down my cheek. “Thank you. You’re too sweet,” I whispered, my voice choked with tears.

He brushed a tear away from my face and frowned slightly. “I didn’t want to make you cry, Rose, but now I see how shattered your soul really is. I’m sorry for whatever happened and whoever hurt you. It breaks my heart to see a beautiful woman scared of living her life. I’ll always be here for you.”

I wiped a tear off my cheek and forced a smile to my face. “I’ll be okay,” I promised, stiffening my upper lip.

He laughed softly and put his arm around me, after dropping the crutches to the floor. He held me up as we walked the short distance to the kitchen. “I know you’re okay. You’re a fighter which is what drew me to you. How about if we put the flower in some water and head down to the deck for dinner?”

“I don’t have a vase,” I admitted, staring at the beautiful rose, it’s petals open slightly with the promise of more to come.

He reached into the cupboard and took down a tall, clear, plastic water bottle. “No problem, this will do fine.” He filled it with water and lowered the flower into it, then placed both my hands on the counter to hold onto. He carried the flower to my bedside table and left it next to my book before returning to take my waist again. “Now then pretty lady, do me the honor of dinner?”

He helped me back toward the door and picked up my crutches, handing them to me while he held the door. It was scary how much I trusted him already, and something in the back of my mind told me someday I would need him on my side.

 

 

The night was clear and cool, the wind blowing off the water to rustle the tablecloth. January in Hawaii cools off considerably at night, but nothing like Minnesota. In Minnesota, you need a snowsuit to sit outside and eat. In Hawaii, it’s pleasant and romantic to be out under the sky at night. The stars shone bright above us as we sat on the outdoor dining deck for Kupid’s Table. The feel was relaxed and casual, but provided diners with the same fantastic food from the restaurant inside. Sawyer had secured the one and only semi-private table, partially hidden from view of other diners by a lattice and ivy portico. The spot afforded you a gorgeous view of the ocean as it stretched along the beach. The twinkle lights hung from the edges of the wooden structure to throw light on the table for two below it.

“How did you get the night off?” I asked, sipping my white wine. It was sweet and light, but I could feel the alcohol going straight to my head. I haven’t drunk a lot in the past year and mixed with my medications, I decided I’d better be cautious, especially around him.

“I don’t have to work every night. My chefs are more than capable of completing a dinner service without me. I’m always around for the prep and on my nights off they take it from there. If I have to be gone, my assistant executive chef steps in and does a fine job.”

“I suppose you would get burned out having to work every day,” I said, pondering what it must be like to work a job like his every day. The organizing and tasks must seem endless.

“A person gets burned out quickly if they do anything day in and day out. We aren’t created to be stagnant as humans.”

“Truer words were never spoken,” I muttered as the waiter approached. Thankfully, he interrupted our discussion before Sawyer could comment.

When we arrived, I let Sawyer do the ordering, which was simple, the nightly special. I had it on good authority it was to die for. Sawyer called it surf and turf with a twist, which raised my interest level. Chances are I would give him the surf, but I promised myself I would give it a taste before writing it off immediately. If there was one thing he’s accomplished in a short time, it’s teaching me to try new foods.

The waiter set a platter in front of each of us and I sucked in a breath at its beauty. A full lobster tail, red as a cherry, curved around the plate, with sliced brisket in the middle arranged next to a steaming baked potato.

“Enjoy your meal,” Thomas said as he disappeared into the dark of the night as unobtrusively as he had arrived.

Sawyer chuckled and I glanced up to see him leaning over and smiling. “You’re staring at the lobster tail like it might bite you.”

“I’ve never had lobster before,” I answered and his brow went up.

“Seriously?”

I rolled my eyes. “It lived in the sea, so yes, seriously.” To put the subject to rest I picked up my knife and fork to try the brisket. My fork sank into the meat and a knife became unnecessary. I popped a piece in my mouth and moaned softly. “Oh, how do you get it so tender and juicy?” I asked, after I swallowed. “It’s usually tough and chewy.”

He finished chewing his before he answered. “The truth is, most people don’t know how to fix a good brisket. The meat always gets a bad rap, but it’s the cook who should carry the blame. I can’t tell you how I make it, since it will be featured during the Great Hawaiian Cook-Off during the luau next month, but there is a unique skill set involved with perfecting a brisket.”

“The Great Hawaiian Cook-Off?” I asked. “Can I come? It sounds awesome.”

 He smiled as he chewed. “This will be your first year, won’t it? Why don’t you come and help as my assistant? I can always use a pretty face to keep the crowd busy as I cook. You can schmooze with the guys while they wait for my winning brisket.”

I ducked my head and shook it. “No, thanks. I’ll ask Lei if she needs help with anything behind the scenes.”

I tried to cut the meat with my fork, but my hand was shaking and unfortunately, he noticed. He took hold of my fork and held it, waiting for me to look at him. “I’m sorry I upset you. Forget about it. I don’t want it to ruin the night.”

He released my fork and I went back to eating. We chewed in silence, watching the waves on the ocean until the brisket was gone. I eyed the lobster, but didn’t touch it, since I didn’t know what to do. He scooted his chair around the table to sit closer to me and took my fork.

“Lobster looks intimidating, but it’s not,” he promised. “Flip the tail over, so you can see the white flesh underneath.” I did what he asked and he wedged my fork between the shell and the flesh until he had a nice piece on the tines. He dipped it in the melted butter and held it up for me. “I promise one bite won’t kill you.”

I laughed and leaned forward, swiping the meat off the fork with my lips and chewing. The flavor popped with the butter, but it wasn’t an unpleasant fishy taste like I was expecting. “Okay, I get why people love this stuff,” I admitted, taking my fork back and going through the steps he did to get more. He moved his chair back to his side of the table and grinned as I ate another piece. “It’s rich and buttery, but I know I better not eat the whole thing or I’ll be sick.”

“Whatever you can’t finish I’ll have Thomas take to the kitchen. They’ll keep it for us until we get back.”

“Get back from where?” I asked, lowering my fork, my appetite plummeting.

“Our walk,” he answered, starting on his own lobster tail.

“Our walk. We’re going for a walk. You do know I walk with crutches, right?”

He nodded and shrugged. “Maybe I’ll be the only one walking, but even if I have to carry you, we’re going to the beach after dinner.”

“Kind of sure of yourself, aren’t you?” I asked, laying the fork down.

He chuckled as he chewed. “It’s a beautiful night and I’m in the presence of a beautiful lady. I would be stone cold stupid not to draw every last second of pleasure I can from tonight.” My head snapped up and he held up his hand. “Poor choice of words. I meant I want to spend a little bit more time with you, and we’re on a resort in Maui. The beach has to happen.”

“I’ll try, but I can’t make any promises. I don’t do well in sand, and now,” I motioned at my foot and then waved my hand as if to say, ‘forget it. Why bother?’

“We’ll take it slow. I want to share my world with you. I know you’ve hardly left the hotel since you arrived and maybe all you need is someone to show it to you. I’ll be on my best behavior.”

I shook my head a little bit at him. “I’m not worried about you being inappropriate. I’m just scared of men and don’t like to be alone with them.”

He cocked his head at my words. “You’ve been alone with me in your apartment several times and your office countless times. Did you ever feel scared?”

Crap. He called me on my own game. The fork clattered to my plate and I stood. “I should go now. Thanks for dinner, it was wonderful,” I said as I struggled to get my crutches on my arms and my purse over my shoulder. There’s no way to make a quick escape, I realized, when you’re dependent on medical equipment.

He stood before me, blocking my way. “You can’t run for the rest of your life, Rose. At some point, you have to trust someone. Have I given you any indication I’m out to hurt you?” he asked, keeping his hands at his sides. I noticed they were clenched as though he had to work hard not to reach out and touch me.

A sigh escaped my lips. “I mean, no. I know you aren’t planning on it, but I’ve learned saying you care about someone means nothing when you’re upset about something.”

He shook his head slowly and lifted his hand, using it to caress my arm. “No, sweetheart, most men don’t react the way the man who hurt you did. I’m sickened by what you’ve been through, and I don’t even know what happened.”

I tipped backward, off balance from the wine and the emotion, but he caught me in time. He lowered me to the chair and laid the crutches by my feet. “I’m sorry, when I’m tired I have a hard time standing.”

Kneeling in front of me he put his hands over mine. “You don’t have to apologize to me, Rose. I don’t want to see you get hurt. You do what you have to do to take care of yourself physically, and let me take care of you emotionally.”

“Emotionally?” I asked, skepticism key in my tone. I was having a hard time thinking or breathing with him touching me so intimately.

He squeezed my hands and smiled up at me. “Yes, emotionally. Can I ask you a question?” I nodded and he gazed into my eyes for a moment before he spoke. “Do you believe for one second Kate or Gideon would allow you to spend time with me if they didn’t trust me?” Without thinking, I shook my head no. “You’re right; they wouldn’t. Gideon would be up in my face warning me to stay away from you or I’d be out of a job. The dude doesn’t mess around, I’m telling you. And Kate? Forget about it,” he said and I laughed softly.

“She’s not known to throw any punches,” I admitted.

“Exactly my point. If they thought for minute I would hurt you, we wouldn’t be sitting here together. Maybe you can trust me by trusting them? If you can start there I promise you, I can earn the rest myself.”

The way he knelt before me left me no choice but to stare into his eyes. They held no malintent. Instead, they seemed desperate, as if he needed me as much as I needed him. Before I had time to debate my answer, I nodded. “I feel isolated from the world and forsaken by God, except when I’m with you. The pain is overwhelming, both physically and emotionally, except when I’m with you. I know I’m not supposed to trust men, but when I’m truthful with myself, I trust you.”

His head fell to his chest for a moment before he lifted it again, his lips devoid of a smile. “My whole being settled when you said you trust me, but my heart broke to hear the rest. All I want to do is make your days a little bit easier while you deal with the rest of what’s going on in your world. If it means a warm meal or an ear to listen, then that will be enough for me, for now. If you need a hug, I’ll be here. If you need to cry on someone’s shoulder, I’ll be here. If you need someone to protect you, I’ll be here. You don’t have to go this alone, okay?”

“Okay,” I whispered, my voice thick with unshed tears. “I feel better already knowing I don’t have to pretend with you.”

He leaned forward and put his arms around me, holding me firmly, but tenderly. “Never pretend. Always be yourself, because anything else is unsustainable,” he reminded me.

I nodded over his shoulder, the scent of his cologne mixed with the freshness of the soap he used in the shower reminded me of a warm summer day. Coconut and fresh flowers. It shouldn’t have been a manly scent, yet somehow, he pulled it off.

He released me and motioned to Thomas. When the waiter arrived, he pointed at the table. “Would you take this to the kitchen and ask the sous chef to wrap it for me. I’ll pick it up later. The lady and I have someplace to be.”

“Of course, Chef Sawyer,” Thomas said smiling. “I’ll send it right down.” He lifted the two plates from the table and carried them away while Sawyer handed me my crutches and held my purse.

“Are you up for a walk or would you rather go back to your room?” he asked, waiting while I situated the crutches on my arms.

I gazed at the ocean for a few moments before I spoke. “I’ve never been on the beach. I’ve never put my feet in the water. I’m too afraid of falling.”

He helped me up and kept his hand on my back as I clomped down the three stairs to the grass at the bottom of the deck. “Let me take you to the beach. I promise you won’t get hurt or fall. If I have to, I’ll carry you. You need to experience the ocean at least once.”

I bit my lip and finally nodded. “We have to go slow. I don’t know how sand is going to work with this leg.”

He smiled and rubbed my back. “Slow as you want to go, I promise,” he agreed, strolling with me to the edge of the sand. He took the crutches from me and laid them on the ground. “These won’t do you any good in the sand. We’ll leave them here and grab them on the way back. No one will bother them.”

I shook my head a bit. “I can’t balance without them.”

He wrapped his arm around me and practically lifted me off the ground by my waist. “Sure you can, you’ve got me for balance.”

As we took our first steps in the sand, I wondered if his words were aimed at more than our immediate situation. He said it in a way I wondered if he wanted to balance me forever. It was a frightening thought and a heady one at the same time. If I trust Sawyer, then I have to tell him the truth about what happened in Snowberry. I’m not saying he’ll instantly distance himself because of it, but chances are good eventually he’ll tire of dealing with someone else’s damaged goods.

I sighed and his arm tightened around me. “Whatever you’re thinking about, let it go,” he whispered. “Enjoy the breeze and the sound of the waves crashing on the shore. Clear your mind of anything but where we are and the feel of the sand under your feet.”

He kissed my temple and I tried to do what he said, but the sand was too difficult to walk in and it took all my concentration to keep going forward. “This is nice,” I said the farther we got from the hotel. The sand was lit only by the stars and the water shone blue from the moonlight. “I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“I come out here a lot,” he agreed. “It’s magical when the moon is full and the water is calm. You feel tiny in comparison to the enormity of the ocean and sky. I feel like one of the billions of stars, barely a dot, but still twinkling and being part of the bigger picture.”

I lifted my face toward his and smiled. “Beautiful imagery,” I whispered. “Sometimes I think I shouldn’t have fought tooth and nail to live. It would have been easier to let go and be part of the stars.”

He yanked me up against his side. “Don’t ever say that again!” he exclaimed.

The pressure of my hip against his sent it into a spasm and I tumbled, waiting for the sand to cushion my fall when I felt his hands under my arms as he lowered me to the sand. I breathed in a shallow rhythm as the spasm tightened the leg and made it jerk and twitch in a painful display I was unable to hide. I moaned and he scrambled toward the leg, but I grabbed his arm. “Don’t touch it,” I said through shallow breaths. “Hurts.”

He lifted my hand off his arm and nodded. “I know sweetheart. Let me help. I won’t touch it.”

He knelt beside the leg and began scooping sand over it from the hip down. In a matter of a few breaths he had the leg buried in the sand and the warmth of it soothed the muscles. He crawled back toward my head and sat, resting my head on his lap. He stroked my forehead rhythmically while I focused on breathing.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought you out here,” he said, his words reticent. “I thought it would be okay.”

I grabbed his hand and held it to my chest. “It’s not your fault. The dumb thing does what it wants, regardless of where I am or what I’m doing. The sand is helping. I never thought of using the heat it holds to relieve the spasm. It makes me wonder if I did this more often if it would help keep the muscles loose.”

He smiled down at me. “It’s really working? It was a hail Mary when I did it.”

I reached up and caressed his face. “It’s almost completely gone. The leg will be tender for a few hours, but it feels much better already.”

He lowered his head until his lips touched mine. Upside down it was difficult to do more than a quick peck, but it still jolted my system from the emotion of the connection.

“I’m glad,” he said. “It makes me feel less like a jerk for insisting we come down here.”

“You’re not a jerk, and I wanted to come here. I could have said no, but you promised to take care of me, and you did. Once I can stand again, I want to put my toes in the water.”

He stroked my cheek as we sat in the darkness of the night. The only sound was the waves of the ocean and an occasional hoot of a short-eared owl. “Only if you feel steady. I’ll help you, but it’s for purely selfish reasons,” he whispered.

“What do you mean?”

He kissed me again before he answered. “I want to be the man with you when you sink your toes in the surf for the first time. I want you to remember that I was the one holding you when you experienced the ocean so intimately. It’s selfish and wrong, but I’m admitting to it anyway.”

I twisted more to get a better angle to see him. “I don’t know why it would be selfish or wrong, Sawyer. As humans, what we experience in the world around us is what shapes us into who we are. You want to share the love of your home with me. There’s nothing selfish about it.”

He laughed and it carried across the water and then back to us. “It has nothing to do with showing you my state, and everything to do with me. Being the first person to help you experience the ocean means I’ll always be the person in your mind when you think about tonight. So, yeah, it’s selfish, but I’m doing it anyway.”

I lifted my hand for him to take again and held it to my side. I didn’t make eye contact, but I answered him with how I truly felt. “There’s no one I would rather be here with right now.”