ALEXANDRA looked into her closet, staring at a rack crammed with guy gear. It was missing the splash of bright colors and variety of fashion options she had when she could choose from her usual wardrobe of clothes for women. She didn’t know how men did it. It wasn’t any easier with shoes. As Lexxi Rock, she had a separate walk-in closet just for shoes, but as Alex, all she had at her disposal were loafers, sneakers, and flip-flops. It was her first chance to get dressed up and go out on the town. Nothing leapt out at her—probably because what she really wanted to wear was a sexy little outfit and some hot ass heels. She pulled down an uninspired black blazer with white cuffs that matched a casual pair of slacks.

It was a few hours before the big date. She was so nervous, she was tempted to cancel half a dozen times. She hated feeling so amped up and antsy. That nervous energy took her up and down the stairs. She alternated between checking on her father, trying to watch TV, and pacing in her bedroom. Daddy gave her a good-natured reminder that nothing had changed from the time she checked in on him before. She took the hint. She left him to work on the laptop he had her drag down from his office.

She was left to face it now, and the fear overtook her. She shut herself in her bedroom, eyeing the date night outfit laid out on her bed.

“That’s it. I’m not going,” she muttered out of the blue. She shook her head and started shoving the clothes back in the closet. “I don’t have to go. It would be crazy to go!”

It took a firm texting session from Eva to put her back on track. Eva’s text read, “What’s the worst that can happen?”

Alexandra could think of a slew of worst case scenarios for the evening. All she had been thinking about was what could go wrong.

What if I say or do the wrong thing around Bash or the other people around us?

What if someone recognized me, or worse, I give myself away?

It was one thing to play-act in front of one or two people at a time. With a crowd, so much could happen. She could see herself tripping up, and somehow the façade would come crashing down. If it made its way to the media in convenient YouTube viral video format, that was the worst that could happen.

“Some chick could totally grab my junk,” she texted back.

Evangeline sent her a row of laughing emoticons. Alexandra replied with, “This could be my one chance to find out if Bash is really gay or not. I’m not even sure I want to know.”

“Why not?” she messaged back. “Afraid it’ll land him some other girl?”

Evangeline was getting a kick out of this. It was exactly the kind of drama that made her world have meaning. Alexandra wasn’t laughing at all. Her stomach was in knots, her palms were sweaty and she wished she hadn’t said yes.

She had no business feeling the tinge of jealousy that shot through her at the thought of other women hitting on Bash. No right to feel a heat that rose up in her at the thought of what he would look like all dressed up. She certainly shouldn’t have been wishing they were going out on a real date. She had no claim to this man, and it sucked.

“Ugghhh. My life,” she groaned. She couldn’t turn off the attraction that kept bubbling up. Something had to give. When Sebastian didn’t visit, she missed him; when he was around, she wished he would leave and stop tempting her.

Evangeline sent her a “What’s going on” reminder, with a string of question marks and exclamation points for emphasis. She jumped into bed and decided to call her instead of texting. When Evangeline picked up, Alexandra launched right into it.

“I’m not jealous, Eva. That would imply I like him, and honestly I don’t know how to feel about him, Eva. He’s just so fucking sexy! I’m frustrated with the whole thing. It’s distracting. I can’t lie. I’m definitely attracted to him.”

“So what are you going to do?” she asked.

“It’s maddening to meet a guy that has me as interested as I am with Bash, and I can’t do anything about it. I actually like being around him. He sets me at ease, and it feels so good just being myself with him. Well, almost myself. I can’t stop thinking about him, yet I can’t enjoy him. At this point, I’m past the idea of remaining single for the sake of remaining single. I’m not thinking of a long-term, committed relationship either. I’m thinking…

“Sex?” Eva said, finishing her sentence.

“God, am I that obvious?”

“Of course you are.”

“You know I’m not usually this…primal. I’m not, but okay Eva. Yes, I’m thinking sex—with Bash.”

“Sounds like the right move, darling,” she shouted. “It’s exactly what you need right now. Think cheesecake, and simply indulge. You know I would, if it were me.”

“I’ve been dressed as a guy all this time, Eva. And have you forgotten he might be gay?”

“There’s a simple way to find out.”

“Yes? How?”

“Tell him you’re not a dude and try to jump his bones,” she said. “If he lets you, you’ll know. If he doesn’t, you’ll still get to grope his goodies.”

“Eva you’re incorrigible.”

“Yes I am. Now come on, lovey. Live a little.”

“Attraction is one thing. Acting on it is another.”

“Don’t be such a good girl,” Eva told her.

Alexandra laughed out loud and ended the call. Time was running out. She couldn’t stall any longer. It was time for her to get ready, as a guy, for her night out with the man she was attracted to, who might be gay. And her life was—as usual—a contradiction she put herself into.

She hopped off the bed and went downstairs to tell Dad she would be leaving soon.

“Have fun out there,” he said, wrapped up in his work.

She scrunched up her nose at his lack of interest. He could have at least pretended he would miss her. When he noticed her reluctance to leave, he looked up from the computer.

“Bash is a decent guy. I like him a lot more than I liked that Wiley boy. Bash will take care of you out there. Now, stop looking like I’m about to send you off to death row.” He said the last part with a teasing grin.

She turned away, slightly embarrassed. “His name was Wilkes, Dad. Not Wiley, and I know it’s not a big deal. Are you sure you’ll be okay here without me?”

“Honey, if I could go with you, I would. Clearly my case of being housebound is a lot worse than yours. Be grateful nothing’s holding you back, and don’t try to use me as an excuse to stay home.”

“Alright, but don’t break any rules while I’m away. Got it? Take your meds like you’re supposed to, and don’t over-exert yourself. Joanne will keep me posted, and if I’m late, Lynn will tell me. I’ll try to be back at a decent hour.”

“I won’t wait up for you,” he said with a yawn.

She went back up to her room and headed for the closet. She tugged out the clothes she had shoved back in there before. After a quick shower, she got dressed.

“Not too shabby. Not too sexy,” she said, turning in front of the mirror to double-check her look. She fixed her belt, and grabbed her wallet and phone to get going.

“You have my phone number, right Joanne?” she asked from the hallway. Joanne told her she did. “It’s on the fridge door too. Call me if you need anything, and I mean anything at all.”

“I will, Mr. Roberts,” she answered.

“Tell me, are you sure you’ll be okay? I can stay if you need me here.”

“I’ve got everything under control. You go right ahead and enjoy yourself. That’s what I’m here for.”

“Try not to give her any trouble,” she teased Dad as she walked past the dining room.

He raised his eyebrows and held a thumb up. They had spent the earlier part of the day playing a game of chess. It was an unexpected request and she was happy to keep him company. Much of the week had been full of such surprises, now that his need for high doses of medicine tapered off with his improving health. His breathing seemed normal now. She beamed at him, trying to hide her anxiety. He was in capable hands. He would be fine for a few hours.

The stroll next door took forever. She dragged her feet, prolonging the inevitable. She had told Bash she would meet him at his place so he could drive. When she made it to his front door, she drew up every ounce of nerve within her to give it a light knock. He swung it open immediately. He must have been standing there just waiting for her to knock.

Maybe he couldn’t wait to see me.

Her eyes drifted over him.

He’s so fucking sexy.

The desire she had been trying to ignore washed over her like a tidal wave. He was dressed in black slacks and a carefully ironed cobalt blue shirt rolled up to his elbows. He was clean-shaven, and his dark brown hair was groomed to perfection. He passed a broad hand over it as he smiled down at her. He was close enough that she smelled his musky aftershave that she already loved. Their eyes connected, and she could swear she saw sparks fly. There was no denying it.

I want him. I want this man.