CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
HOPE
Cold blackness is all I am aware of. A world of severe pain, pain that latches itself around my body and soul where all I know about is how much pain my body is actually in.
Everything hurts. My head. My ribs. My soul, everything hurts and nothing can help. The only thing that greets me is more pain and more nightmares. Nightmares plague me and only allow me to feel and hear everything they consist of. The only voices I can hear are the ones that belong to the men who control my world.
“My love.”
“Slave.”
“Slut.”
“My love.” I can feel the pain every time Mark or Marco slaps me and the vibrations that rock my body every time I am let loose from the chains that hold me strung up.
“My love.”
“Slave.”
“Slut.”
“My love.”
****
Blackness and pain, that is all I am aware of, that’s all my world is engulfed with. Every now and then it all disappears and I’m aware of going back and forth from unconsciousness, the clouds surrounding me clearing for only a moment, giving me some respite but they return with a vengeance. I drift in and out of this deep sleep, unaware of anything, but the immense pain and blackness that takes over my body. The voices that shout in my ears telling me I’m nothing but a pet, a slave to someone else’s whims. I can do nothing but allow my brain to keep me under this spell. My body is a hostage to the invisible ties that hold it down. I can’t move. I’m tethered to this unfeeling, unmoving vessel but my mind is working in overload. My eyes won’t open. My brain sends messages, but they go unanswered. None of my limbs responds to the millions of messages I try to make. I hear voices all around me, my mom, my father, my brothers.
Am I home? How did I get here? If I’m here, then what happened?
Where’s Zac?
Zac, the one person who helped me, kept me centred. He was like my guardian angel, he couldn’t really help but the fact that he was there giving me strength was all I needed.
Why can’t I hear him?
Where is he?
****
I feel stronger.
My brain tells my fingers to move and I can feel them do it. My foot shifts and I can feel the strength in my limbs. My eyes start to flutter, light attacks and I quickly close them again but I’m able to do it. I try it again and this time I manage to keep them open and after my eyes have adjusted I see my mum.
My mummy.
“Oh God.” She says as she puts a shaky hand over her lips before taking them down again and putting them over mine. “Oh Hope I knew you’d be ok. I just knew you’d come back to us.” Before I have the chance to prepare myself she wraps her arms around me and I rest my head on her shoulder as tears start to leak from my eyes in an uncontrollable river as I try to let all my fears leave me.
“It’s all over now, baby girl. You’re home.” I want her words to be true but what if they find me? I can’t remember what happened. All I want is for these fears to fall from my mind with my tears as they travel down my cheeks, but I just know it can’t be that easy. I am meant to be someone’s slave. I feel overwhelmed as my mother continues to hold me to her chest, she deserves the old Hope back but I’m not sure where she is and if I will ever find her again.
I am scared that she is now long gone. How will I tell her?
Will my family still want me? I don’t know how I will be able to get her back.
“Joshie. Boys, she’s awake!” My mum shouts as she lies me back against my pillows. Her fingers trace a sensitive area by my left eye just as my father comes in.
“How are you feeling, munchkin?” He asks me. I see the smile on his face, but he looks so nervous, like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders.
What have I done to him?
What have I done to my family? Like a stampede my brothers all come in one after the other and just stop dead in their tracks as they see me but the one person I want to see most isn’t here.
Where is he? I look around the room just hoping that he will pop up, but nothing happens. I can feel the eyes of my family all looking at me and I feel so overwhelmed.
“Honey you’re home now. You’re safe.” My mum says and I can see the tears glisten in her eyes but I don’t know what to say. Should I tell them everything that happened to me and have them look at me differently for the rest of my life?
Should I try to be the same Hope before all this happened and live a lie? I’m not the same girl I was.
That girl has long gone and I have no idea who I am anymore.
How can I live with that?
How can I expect them to live with me like this? I look into my mum’s eyes and she looks back but I have nothing to say, I don’t have any words for my family. Mum taps my hand a couple of times and then looks at my dad and my brothers.
“I think we need to leave Hope for a little while to rest” She says and then looks back at me, one eyebrow raised as if to ask if that’s ok. I nod my head and then try to hide myself away within the confines of my blankets, just trying to hide myself away from everything.
I suddenly feel so lost.
So numb.
Where’s Zac?
I need Zac.