CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
HOPE
A month has gone by. I can see the numbers on the calendar that my Mum has put on the right month for me when she first changed it. A whole month of not seeing him.
Nothing can break through the wall that is all around me trying to protect me from everything that happened.
There is only one who I think has the power, but he is gone.
A whole month of being in this state of limbo and I am sick of feeling all the pain, but nothing anyone tries comes anywhere close enough to help.
The wall isn’t going anywhere, I’m not going anywhere.
“Tell us how to fix it, Hope.” My father asks as if it is really that simple. I only want one thing and he is gone. I want to heal with him by my side, only Zac knows what I went through, he went through it too. He was forced to be there, he was made to do what he did. He is an agent with the FBI, that much I know, and he was sent to help. If anyone can help me then he will, we have seen the same things, been in the same hell. I need him. He’s left a void in my heart and nothing I or anyone else does can fill it. I want Zac, he is my only cure and he is too far away to help. He has gone. He has left and I am left alone to try and come to terms with what happened to me. What happened to my heart. There’s no emotion left inside me. I can see and feel the happiness in my parents’ faces at having me back, but something is missing from all of us.
I’m not really back and they know it. ‘The old Hope’ is too far away, I can’t reach her. My soul has crumbled into nothing and my eyes long to cry but nothing escapes them. I feel lost, like a part of me is missing. Every time I close my eyes he is all I can see. My parents want me to get better and I want to for them and for myself, but I just feel like I am constantly going backwards as time goes by without a word from the man I love. I love him and he hasn’t come by to see me, I’ve had nothing from him and all I want is the chance to say how much I miss him, to beg him to come back to me. To tell him what I really think, tell him that I love him and I need him here with me if I have any chance to feel whole again. If I have any chance to be me again because without him I can’t be Hope Bryant. I’m in agony as the days continue to go by without a word from him.
It’s just another day, another day with this heartache and loss in my heart, in my soul. The sun shines through the blinds as if it’s a normal day but I have no idea what normal is at the moment. My world will never be normal again and all I do is just stare at the same four walls with nothing but my shell to keep me company. Don’t get me wrong, people come and go. My therapist asks me question after question and although talking to her helps a little there’s still that black hole that lingers in my heart. Every day I try to get on as much as I would have done before this all happened but nothing happens. Nothing lessens the ache, nothing makes the hole smaller, it just seems to grow in strength.
“How are you doing today, Hope?” My therapist asks as she steps through the door and into my room. I look up at her and just shrug my shoulders. I don’t know how to answer that question. I don’t know how to do anything at the moment except take in the breaths that keep me alive.
“I would like to try something different today.” She says as her eyes remain on me, just waiting for an answer.
“Would that be ok, Hope?”
“What do you want to try?”
“I have someone who wants to speak with you.”
“I’m not talking to the FBI again. I can’t.” I won’t go through that again, the endless questions that don’t seem to stop or get anywhere and the sympathetic eyes that only have eyes for me.
“It’s not the FBI.” I hear the footfalls, I know the pressure as each foot goes down on the floor and the vibrations that come from them.
It can’t be. I look up and as I do my world stops turning. It abruptly stops as the man that holds my mind in his clutches steps into my room. He has a day’s worth of hair on his chin and his eyes speak of a sadness that is so much like my own. I don’t want to look away from him because if I do he may be gone again and I need him so much right now. I need to know that he’s real, that he’s really here giving me back the hope that Marco and Mark tried to take from me.
“How are you, Hope?” He asks as he stands at the threshold, too scared to walk too far into my domain. He doesn’t want to look at me, his eyes speak of his unease and if I had enough strength I would want to get up and embrace him in my arms. Feel him close to me so we can help each other in our shared doom. He’s like a fresh breeze bringing me back to life as he finally looks up at me and I look right back at him. I can’t believe he’s here, the need to touch him to confirm I’m not imagining him consumes me but I stay rooted on my bed.
My bed. My safe zone.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, hoping he feels the same as I do.
“I asked him, Hope. I thought maybe we could all talk together. I think he may be able to help you.” My therapist says as I stay deathly silent as my therapist gestures for Zac to sit down. He looks at me and then looks at the therapist to look at me again before he takes a chair next to my bed. The thought of him being so close to me should make me want to scream and shout but it doesn’t. I want to watch, I want to take him all and hold his hand. I want to be within his arms and feel his closeness like the night he took my virginity. I miss the heat of his naked body against my own, I miss being able to feel his heart beat under my fingers as I lie next to him.
He had kept me so close, I felt like for the first time outside of my own family I was apart of something special. He made me feel like a princess even though we were in the middle of hell and as those days became more frequent it helped me with trying to think that there was a way out. That I was going to be saved.
He gave me that, only him.
“Could you leave us?” I ask my therapist and she just looks so shocked.
“Please.” She gets up off her chair and walks to the door.
“I’ll just be outside if you need anything.” I nod and give her a smile and once she closes the door I turn to the man I love and give him a smile. Taking his hand in mine I feel whole again. He’s glued me together just by a single touch.
“Where have you been, Zac?” I ask.
“I took advantage of you, Hope, in the worst possible way.” I can see his Adam’s apple bob in his throat and he fights with himself on what to say next.
“I was so..so embarrassed. So angry with myself I couldn’t see you.”
“You didn’t take advantage of me, Zac.”
“Y...Y..Yes I did you were a…” He gulps again.
“A...A sla...slave. I was training you to be someone’s slave and then we had sex.” I start shaking my head, I won’t let him leave here thinking that’s what he did to me.
“You didn’t make me do anything. I wanted to do it. With you. I wanted to make love to you and that’s what we did. You didn’t take me you made love to me and you never trained me. You helped keep me above water.”
“How can you believe that after everything I helped them do to you?” I squeeze his shaky hands and rest them over my thigh. It all becomes so clear in that moment. With the guilt he has held for everything that happened to me he has tried to push me away because he thinks it would be better for us both. He thought he knew what was best and so he distanced himself from the memories that wanted to eat him whole. How can I make him understand that I am nothing without him? I can see the need to touch me in his eyes, his hands shaking with nerves and every so often I can feel them try to break free as if wanting to rise to my face and touch me. There is so much going on in his head and he keeps stopping himself. His shoulders are stiff, his face twisted with his pain and self-loathing.
“This is all my fault. I’m so fucking sorry.” The tears he was trying to fight can no longer stay hidden and I can see them begin their descent down his face. I want to wipe them all away. I want to kiss away all his pain and tell him I love him. With all my heart all I want to do is to tell him how living in hell he was the only thing that kept me going. He was my very life force when all I wanted was to succumb to my fear and sadness and die.
“I love you.” I whisper in his ear like a silent prayer. He pulls away from me, his eyes wet and smothered with confusion.
“W..W...What?”
“I love you. What happened wasn’t your fault.” He tries to interrupt me but I place a finger over his lips to stop whatever he was about to say. I don’t want to hear his apologizes, as far as I am concerned he doesn’t have to give them.
“What happened was going to happen.” I take a breath, not liking that I have to say both those bastards’ names, but they are both now rotting away in jail and can no longer hurt me or anyone else.
“M..Marco hated my father. Hated my family and he wanted us to pay. He was always going to kidnap me and sell me like cattle. That was always his plan, you never could have changed that but you helped bring it to an end. If it wasn’t for you...” Another deep breath and this time I take both his hands in mine and squeeze tight. I was surprised when my mum had told me all this, that it all stemmed from what happened years ago, but it is all over now. All we have to do is try to heal. Hopefully together, I can’t do it without him.
“God knows where I would be now. You’ve stopped other girls having to go through the same thing as I have gone through. You’re not the bad guy. Marco and Mark are the bad guys, they knew what they were doing, what it meant for others and they did it anyway.” He tries to move away from me to try and speak but I have to get this out before I lose my nerve.
“You came into their world with the determination to end what they wanted to do. Yes, you helped them do horrible things, but you were doing it to end it. You had a job to do and I only wish I had known what that job really was when I first met you. I was so confused, I knew I should hate you but there was something so different. I knew you wouldn’t hurt me. I understand it all now and I need you to be able to put this all behind you. To move forward.”
“I need you, too. I can’t think straight without you. Everything is so clouded, so confusing but just sitting here with you I feel better. Clearer for the first time.”
“I love you.” I say, making sure I’m looking straight in his eyes.
“I love you too.”
“Y..Yo..You do?”
“I think I loved you when I first saw you in that place. I’ll always love you.” He moves his hand and gently places it on the side of my face and I lean towards his touch, loving his warmth.
“I love you so much. I never want to be away from you again.” He leans forward and takes my lips with his and everything he’s trying to say is told with that one kiss, he really does love me, he’s sorry and he never wants to leave me again.
“Promise?” I question, pulling away a little.
“Fuck, yeah, I promise for the rest of my days, I promise.”
“Me too.” And with that said I start our kiss again, feeling that I’m truly home.