JESSIE
It’s as though a switch has been flipped in Ryan’s head. I could feel him before. When he spoke there was emotion present. Now there’s nothing.
I do as he asks, though, because this is what he needs.
He doesn’t know how to be that other Ryan. He doesn’t feel comfortable opening up to me. I understand him in ways he wouldn’t even be able to comprehend. His need to protect himself is so obvious to me; from hurt, from failure, from a loss of control in his life.
I tug my top off over my hair, not caring about what it looks like. The front clasp of my bra undoes easily. I don’t pose seductively for him. This isn’t about that. All he wants if for me to do as he’s ordered so that’s what I’ll do.
“Unbutton my pants,” he hisses.
I have to shift forward on the bed to reach him and he makes no effort to come closer. My fingers fumble over the belt buckle and then over the stiff button at the top of his designer jeans. I don’t look at him because he wants that power so I fix my eyes on what I reveal; the outline of his cock behind soft boxers.
“Take it out.” Three words said so coldly I shiver. I use one hand to draw his boxers down and the other to grip him. He’s so hard it seems to pulse and grow in my palm. I don’t stroke him, though, because he hasn’t asked for that yet.
“Kiss it.”
The angle is awkward so I get onto my knees. His breath hisses and I guess that he must like me like this. Subservient to his demands. My pussy clenches because, although I hate to admit it, all this bossiness is turning me on.
I do exactly as he’s asked and kiss just the tip. His hips shift, his breath hissing again.
“Open your mouth.”
Oh god. He takes hold of his cock by the root and as I do as he’s ordered, he slides it in over my tongue. I don’t know what to do with my hands but I need to grip something for stability so I rest them against his legs. “Hands behind your back.”
My body reacts even before my mind has a chance to process.
“That’s it,” he croons, caressing the side of my face. He strokes the tip of his cock over my bottom lip and I almost come then and there. “Take my cock.”
I freeze for a second because this Ryan isn’t the one from the past few days. He’s the Ryan from the first night when he made me strip just for so he could look. When he stripped away my armor so that he could be in control.
I understand that he needs this but it doesn’t mean it’s okay. I understand that this side of him, the cold and dominant side, flicks switches in my head that I didn’t even know that I had, but that doesn’t mean that this is okay either. I take my hands from behind my back and stand. His eyes follow my movements but he doesn’t say a word to stop me.
I’m just a foot away from him but it feels like miles. “You don’t have to do this,” I tell him. He goes to tuck himself away but I reach for his hand. “No.”
I go up on my tiptoes and kiss his soft lips. They’re unmoving at first but as I lick at the seam of his lips he seems to wake up. His hands clasp my face and he angles to he can kiss me long and deep. My fingers find his shirt and I fist the fabric, tugging him closer. This feels like him taking control again and I don’t want that. I want to show him that it’s okay to let someone else take the reins every once in a while. It’s okay to receive pleasure rather than taking it.
I start to back him up towards a chair in the corner. If I can get him to sit, I can do what I think needs to be done. When Ryan’s legs hit the chair he pulls back from the kiss and looks at me questioningly. “Sit, Ryan,” I say softly, pushing on his chest.
There is a moment when I think he’s going to say no. A moment where we could reach stalemate. A moment that could break this whole thing wide open. Then he sits. I straddle his lap immediately, taking his face and pressing it to my belly. He kisses me softly, brushing his nose across my skin and licking a cool circle around my belly button. With my legs open like this I can feel how wet I am. I have no doubt that I could sit on his cock and it would slide right in. This has to be seamless. That first moment of penetration needs to feel so good that he gets lost in the sensation. I don’t want him to pick me up and reverse this again. I don’t want him to take control this time.
I’m about to lower myself when Ryan surprises me. He tugs me down, taking hold of the root of his cock and pressing it inside me just an inch. He reaches to take hold of my face, gripping it tight while he shifts his hips enough to push deeper. He holds my gaze as he penetrates me and although this is physical, it feels emotional too. His expression is intense. I feel open. Not just my body but my heart too. I start to roll my hips, never taking my eyes off his. His hands move to my hips, not to force me to move a certain way but to feel the way I’m moving. The buckle of his belt digs into my thigh but I don’t care because this is something I wasn’t expecting.
This isn’t just sex.
It’s that moment between sex and making love; the transition. I can feel him inside me. His cock yes, but it’s more. There’s a deeper connection forming here and it terrifies me. What the hell am I doing? Falling for a man who bought me. Falling for a man who’s more broken than I am? Falling for a man who has numbered our days to thirty.
I’m a fool but I knew that already. I fell for Jackson knowing he was trouble. Yes, he loved me but not enough to put his addictions aside. Not enough to put me first. And Ryan. Will he put me first?
He has a life so big I have no idea of the scope of it… the scale.
And I’m just little Jessie. Insignificant Jessie.
Disposable Jessie.
Ryan must feel me drawing away emotionally because he put his arms around me and holds me close. He tells me I’m beautiful. He tells me that I make him feel so good. He tells me that he’s sorry all over again and my heart hurts.
It’s been so long since I’ve felt treasured by anyone. It’s been so long since I’ve felt connected to someone and it feels good. Too good. I know I could slide into loving this man so easily. Every hour that passes takes me closer to a place that is going to end up smashing my heart all over again. I’m tired of grief. I’m tired of hurting. I don’t think I can do it again.
“Jessie,” Ryan whispers. “Oh god, baby.”
I can feel him getting closer and I am too. Every roll of my hips takes me nearer to an orgasm that I fear. I want to come so badly but it feels like a loss of control. Ryan has my heart by its strings; one more tug and he will own it.
“Come, baby,” he says, stroking the side of my face. “Come because I want to feel it. I want to feel you let it all go.”
He doesn’t know what he’s saying. Letting it go is exactly what I fear the most.
“That’s it,” he says when I grind down harder. The deeper penetration hurts but I’m glad. I need this to hurt me physically as much as it’s going to hurt me emotionally. I need to remember my flesh and blood body. “Don’t stop.”
“I can’t,” I gasp. “I can’t.” My voice sounds frantic. The thudding of my heart is like a drum-beat to my surrender.
“You can, Jessie.” He buries his face in my chest and forces my hips to continue their rhythm and as hold onto his strong shoulders and close my eyes, I let go and just feel.
I feel even though I know I’m a fool. I feel even though I know this is going to end badly. I feel even though my heart feels like it’s going to break into more pieces than I could ever heal.
Ryan comes inside me, his cock swelling as he lets go too. He cries out, his breath hot against my breasts, his surrender called out against my heart.
I am limp and lost, but he holds me like he knows. He carries me to the bed and lays me down gently. He strips off his clothes quickly and climbs in beside me. He pulls me against him so my face is buried in the soft hair on his chest and my throat burns from the tenderness.
His hand strokes over my belly, my hips before cupping me between my legs. He keeps his hand there possessively and I let him feel everything that he put inside me leak out.
We don’t talk and that’s good because there is nothing I can say. It’s not fair to tell him how I’m feeling. This isn’t a relationship. It’s a transaction.
I don’t want to break down in front of him. This month is about him achieving something. What, I don’t know but it’s definitely more than a vacation.
I wish I could ask him. I wish we were friends and I knew what was in his heart.
But, as Ryan slides into sleep, I accept the path that I’m on. All decisions have a price. The price of my freedom from debt is going to be my heart.