RYAN
It’s morning. The beginning of another day. A step closer to the end of my month with Jessie.
I’ve got time. Plenty of time.
This is about achieving my goals. It’s about following the plan, but as I watch her sleep it doesn’t feel like it should.
Twenty-five days.
I’ve made my decision and I will not waver from it. Even as I think it my hand begins to tremble and I know I’m doing the right thing.
I wish I could have met her sooner. I wish we could have had an unlimited time to get to know each other because every new thing I find out about Jessie is perfect. She’s a good woman with a gentle heart and values that I can respect. She’s so much more than I ever could have hoped for and it feels cruel; a terrible twist of fate to hang someone so lovely in front of me at a time when I cannot love her the way she deserves.
I heard her crying in the night and I didn’t know what to do. I know she still grieves for her dead husband. I hope that I have no part in her sorrow but how could I not? This situation is flawed. Two sad people brought together. Two broken hearts. It’s dangerous. I know this. I could give this woman everything her heart desires. I have the money to make all of her dreams come true, but the one thing I cannot give her is the one thing she needs to most. The one thing we all need the most.
I get up because I can’t lie here anymore, lost in my thoughts. I take a shower and watch the news. I turn on my phone even though I don’t really want to connect with the outside world right now. I only check emails from my PA. The board have been asking questions. She’s subtle in how she warns me that I need to announce my vacation rather than expecting her to do it.
So far there doesn’t seem to be anything that needs my attention. The company is running without me and that’s a relief. It’s nice to be needed but I’m not enough of a fool to think myself indispensable. The world isn’t like that. We’re born and we die and the world keeps turning without us.
Eventually, Jessie wakes and comes to find me. She’s dressed in a hotel robe and looks adorably fluffy and soft and I know that I need to set the tone for today. I stand and pull her into a hug, kissing the top of her head and then patting her butt.
“You better get showered, missy,” I say. “We’ve got plans for today.”
“Oh have we?” she says. “What kind of plans?”
I laugh. “The kind that stay a secret until we get there.”
She scowls. “Why all the secrets, Mr. Bossy?”
“Because they’re fun, Miss Curious. Now got get your sexy ass in that shower before we miss all the fun.”
I watch her leave because I can’t keep my eyes off her. The gentle sway of her hips has me mesmerized.
It takes her half an hour to emerge ready for the day. I love the clothes that Geraldine has bought for her. They suit her hair and complexion. Everything subtle and classy.
“Ready?” I ask her.
“I have no idea. After yesterday I’m a little scared about what you might have planned for me.”
“You got off lightly,” I laugh.
“Mmm… just because you might have a death wish doesn’t mean we all have to follow.”
My heart skips at her words but she breezes past me to take her purse from the console table and doesn’t notice that I freeze. I inhale deeply. “Our car is waiting,” I tell her, just for something to say.
“Let’s go then.”
We travel down in the elevator and Jessie makes easy conversation about the meal the night before. “I still can’t believe I’m here,” she says. “Vegas… it’s not like a real place. It’s like a world of fantasy.”
“That’s what makes it so great,” I say.
“And why do you need a world of fantasy, Ryan? Your whole life is like a fantasy.”
“We all live in our own realities, Jessie. Even a man like me needs a change of scene every once in a while.”
“A break from paradise,” she jokes, nudging me in the ribs with her elbow.
“Yeah… I know… I have such a hard life.” I roll my eyes and she laughs.
“I know you work hard,” she says. Her hand finds mine just as the doors open and we walk through the lobby like an old married couple. It feels good. Too good.
I don’t need to tell the driver where to go because he knows, so Jessie and I settle into the back seat. Darryl is with us, looking around for any potential threats. He seems extra vigilant after messing up the night before. I guess he didn’t realize how protective I wanted him to be of Jessie while she’s in my care.
I pour us a glass of champagne. She objects to drinking so early but I tell her it’s a special day and we need to make the most of it.
By the time we reach our destination she’s already tipsy.
“Oh my god,” she squeals as she finally notices the helicopters. “Are we going up in one of those?”
“Grand Canyon, baby,” I say and she throws her arms around my neck.
“It’s on my bucket list, Ryan. I can’t believe you’re taking me to do this.”
Her words floor me for the second time this morning. I want to ask her why the hell someone as young as her has a bucket list but I don’t. I get it. She lost her husband. She knows how fragile life is.
“But aren’t you going to freak over the height thing?”
I nod. “Probably, but I’ve always wanted to see this. It’ll be worth it.”
“Better tell the pilot you’re going to need a sick bag.”
Now it’s my turn to scowl. “I don’t think that will be necessary, but thanks for the thought!”
Jessie laughs. “You’re a funny man, Ryan Gosling.”
“I’m glad that I’m providing you with so much amusement.”
“No you’re not.” Jessie kisses my lips gently and gives my bicep a squeeze. “You, Mr. Bossy, are about to make one of my dreams come true.”
“Well,” I say, stroking her hair. “Then my work here is done.”
Jessie scrambles to get out of the car and gazes at the helicopters like they’re some kind of mythical beast. I take her hand and we make our way to the building where were going to check in for the flight. I’ve booked us a solo flight. I didn’t want there to be anyone else with us. This is just for us to enjoy and I don’t need any witnesses if I can’t hold my fear in check.
The woman talking to us about the trip is so upbeat and friendly it’s almost sickening. Then we’re walked out of the building and onto the helicopter. We don our headphones so that we can hear the pilot and each other. Jessie reaches out to hold my hand and I take it, grateful for the contact. My heart is pounding in my head as the pilot begins to get ready for flight. The sounds of the propeller firing up is immense, even with the headphones in place.
I look out of the window, fixing my eyes on the horizon, trying to breathe deeply. In a minute we’re going to be in the air with nothing but a man-made mechanism holding us there. This is so much worse than yesterday. My fear is screaming at me to get off this helicopter. Two months ago I would never have attempted this. Two months ago I felt completely different about my life.
“I can’t believe we are doing this,” Jessie squeals.
The pilot laughs. “Well, ma’am, we’re gonna be airborne soon so you better believe it.”
“Are you okay?” Jessie asks me, squeezing my hand.
I nod because I can’t talk through the tightness in my throat. I wonder what I will feel like when we’re up there. This isn’t like flying on an airplane. On my private jet I can keep all the shutters down and avoid looking out of the window. I can drink myself into relaxation. I’ve handpicked my pilot so I know his flying experience. I’ve had my plane serviced to almost perfection. I’m in control of that fear.
This is out of my control. I chose the most reputable company and I got my PA to background check the pilot but I don’t know for sure whether this helicopter has been serviced well, and helicopters are much more dangerous than planes generally. It’s a big aircraft but it feels flimsy. It feels as though the weather could knock it out of the sky without much trouble.
As we begin to lift off the ground, Jessie presses my hand to her lips and kisses it. She holds it there and I focus on her soft mouth and warm breath and the smile I can feel she’s beaming out in her excitement. I focus on this woman who is making this month’s journey so much better but so much worse all at the same time.
“We’re flying,” she says. The pilot laughs again.
“It’s a good clear day for a flight,” he says. “But the weather can change pretty quick around here. Let’s keep our fingers crossed for an uneventful journey.”
Jessie glances across at me nervously, knowing that was probably the worst thing the pilot could have said, but as we gain altitude and begin to make our way out over the Nevada landscape, my fear reduces. I focus on the horizon, at the natural beauty that is spread before me like a picture postcard. I focus on the warmth of Jessie’s hand and the never-ending expanse of brilliant blue sky.
And it’s awesome, in the truest sense of the word. I am in complete and utter awe at what I am seeing.
At the canyon itself, the pilot follows the line. I haven’t opted to land inside because I was worried I may not be able to face another ascent, but just getting a view across one of nature’s wonders of the world is enough. I hope it’s enough for Jessie.
She takes her phone out to snap pictures through the window. Then she turns and holds her phone up for a selfie. It’s strange to think that we’ve fucked but never had a photo taken together. If we parted company today, there would be no evidence that we had ever even met in person. She throws her arm around my shoulder and I look at our reflection in the screen. Her smile is so wide that I could never match her exuberance. I smile and it looks forced but she snaps away anyway. Maybe she thinks it’s the nerves when really I’m thinking towards the future. How those photos might be seen by others and what they’ll say about our flight together. The media is a funny thing and when you’re in my position it’s never easy to stay out of the limelight.
After Corina died, my personal life was everywhere; from advertising me as a new eligible bachelor on the market to speculating on my mental health. The exposure was pretty damn sickening.
It’s not that I don’t trust Jessie to keep the pictures private. From what I know about her I can’t see her selling them to the highest bidder, but I do know she’s in debt and money worries can drive even the most principled person to step outside their comfort zone.
I guess, though, that a picture of me looking happy with a beautiful woman isn’t the worst kind of image that could make it into the papers.
For the next few minutes Jessie and I stare out of the window at the amazing beauty of the canyon and I breathe deeply through it all. I face my fear and I feel stronger. I focus on that strength because there is a time coming when I’m going to need it. I’m going to need to remember these days and the mental barriers I broke.
When we’re finally back in the car I decide that we should go straight back to the hotel rather than stopping for lunch. I figure we can relax for a while. Maybe I’ll take Jessie to the spa and have them treat her like a princess for the afternoon. She deserves it after putting up with me all morning.
We make it up to the room and I call down to the concierge to sort out the arrangements. Jessie’s excited about the idea of being pampered but she wants me to go with her. She says it’ll do me good. She’s probably right. Another call to the concierge and I’m booked in too. All the staff at the hotel know that I’m never to be called out as the owner. I’m to be treated the same as the other guests at all times, and that is impeccably.
“What treatments did you book?” she asks me while we wait for the elevator.
“A relaxing facial, deep tissue massage, pedicure, manicure and exfoliation.”
“You think I need a good scrub?” she asks with mock indignation.
I roll my eyes. “I have no idea what half of that stuff means. I was told what women generally book.”
“Ah… so is this what you do for all the girls you bring here?” she asks.
I shake my head. “You’re getting preferential treatment, Jessie. And I don’t bring girls here.”
Her expression turns to disbelief. “You don’t bring girls here?”
“Why is that so hard to believe?”
“Because you’re you,” she says softly.
“Oh, you think I’m a player do you?”
Jessie frowns. “Not a player, Ryan. You’re just the full package.”
“Package?”
“Yeah… you know. Everything most women want in a man.”
Maybe that used to be true but not anymore. “What’s that then, Jessie?”
She puts her hand up and starts folding her fingers as she lists out attributes. “Tall, good-looking, confident, respectful…”
Her thumb is still unfolded. “Did you forget rich?”
“Not really,” she says. “Haven’t you realized by now that money isn’t as important as the other things?”
“Most women are looking for security,” I say. It’s certainly been my experience.
“Security yes, but that doesn’t just come from having money. A person can have money but use it to control and harm. They can have money but throw it all away and leave you destitute.” Her eyes well a little at that last bit. I put my arm around her and pull her close. “Security is about having a man who stands beside you through good and bad. Who puts you first because he knows that you will do the same for him.”
I stroke her hair. “So money doesn’t matter to you?” I ask and think about the fifty grand that she has stored in a safe in her room at my house.
“If I had the choice between a man with money or a man like the one I described, I would choose the man to stand beside me.”
“But it’s not always an either/or situation.”
She shrugs. “No. But it is most of the time. Money has a tendency to bring out the worst characteristics in a person.” The elevator arrives and Jessie pulls away, smoothing her hair and taking a deep breath. “Anyway, we should go enjoy treatments,” she says, beaming a full smile that looks plastered on.
“That’s the idea, Jessie.”
The elevator takes us down to the spa in the blink of an eye. The receptionist is exceptionally professional and we’re sent to our ‘couples room’ to meet our therapists.
They start with the facial, then move to the massage. My limbs feel loose and limp, my muscles kneaded and smoothed to perfection. I open my eyes to check on Jessie and catch her looking back at me.
“Amazing,” she mouths as the therapist uses her elbow to break knots in Jessie’s shoulders. The rounded curve of her ass is so damn tempting but I have to shake those thoughts because this isn’t the time or the place.
“Enjoy,” I mouth back and close my eyes again.
When we’ve finished in the treatment rooms, we’re taken in robes to another area for the manicure and pedicure. I feel ridiculous sitting with my feet in hot water but Jessie is having so much fun it’s completely worth it.
We end up two perfectly relaxed and polished people. Jessie opts for a French manicure so her hands and feet look naturally beautiful. She also has her hair and make-up done too, then as we leave the spa I tell her I’m going to take her for dinner in the hotel. The steakhouse here is amazing. I should know, I chose the head chef myself and pay a fortune to keep him. It’s a pretty relaxed venue with old black and white photos and a mix of booths and traditional tables. We opt for a booth and sit nice and close while we pick from the menu. I convince Jessie we should go for the chateaubriand with asparagus, dauphinoise potatoes and creamed spinach. I order us a good bottle of red and we settle back in our seats.
“I am having the most amazing vacation,” Jessie says. She touches my arm gently. “It feels crazy that I’m getting to enjoy this with you… with the arrangement and all.”
“You think I should be feeding you bread and water and keeping you locked in a room?” I joke.
She punches my arm gently. “Why the extremes, Mr. Gosling? There is a middle ground, you know.”
I laugh because the middle ground has never been something I’ve aspired to. “I guess there is, Miss Jessie.”
She sips her wine. “So what death defying adventures are on the plan for tomorrow?”
Death defying.
Her word cut me again even though she doesn’t have a clue what she’s saying.
“That would be telling,” I say through the lump in my throat.
A shadow darkens the table and I look up expecting it to be a waiter, but it’s not. It’s someone I really don’t want to be talking to right now.
“Well, lookie who it is.” Sam Drayton, owner of Drayton’s casino, looms over the table. At six-foot six and built like a tank, he isn’t a man you can easily miss.
“Sam,” I say, reaching out to shake his hand. I can’t be seen to be rude but I don’t want to be making small talk with him while Jessie’s here.
“Ryan Crawford,” he says loudly as he pumps my hand. I flinch. That was exactly what I didn’t want him to say. I don’t look to Jessie to see if she’s taken what he’s said in. “What brings you back to Vegas?”
Sam knows it’s been a long time since I stepped foot in my hotel. This was Corina’s baby and until recently it’s hurt too much to be here.
“Just taking a little vacation,” I say.
Sam’s eyes drift to Jessie and he grins.
“Nice to meet you,” he says, holding out his giant hand for Jessie. She seems to take it reluctantly.
“This is Jessie,” I say because he’s forcing me to.
“Very nice.” I see Jessie flinch.
“So are you in town for long?” I ask him as he reluctantly gives Jessie back her hand.
He grins a shark smile. “Just long enough.” Well, that’s cryptic. He’s probably seeking out more land for a new casino but none of that concerns me in the slightest. There are no plans to expand the Vegas operation, especially not now.
“Well, I hope you have a good time,” I say. “It was good to see you.” I’m as dismissive as I can be and I can see Sam notice.
“I’m sure I will,” he says in his usual arrogant tone.
As he saunters away I glance across at Jessie and she looks frozen. It’s then that I realize she knows that the hotel and casino we’re staying in is mine.
She knows but I don’t know how to explain myself.
I make small talk until the food comes.
I make small talk during our meal.
And nothing feels real.