CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Lindsey
DRIVING TO MY house in town, I cried and thought back over the last few months with John. I had known all along that he would never commit. I knew that he liked to be alone. Why had I let myself believe that I could be different? I should have seen this coming. A man like John is too good looking for his own good. Did he ever really love me or was I just a passing amusement? I pulled into the driveway and pulled my bag from the car, trudging inside. Jake came around the corner, frowning when he took in my face. I probably looked like a wreck, but I couldn’t bring myself to care right now. All I wanted was to curl up in a ball and forget that anyone else existed. “What happened?” Jake asked. “I don’t want to talk about it.” He nodded and grabbed my bag, heading upstairs. “Come on. You can take the air mattress.” “I don’t want to take your bed. I’ll just sleep on the floor.” “There’s not a chance in hell that I would let a woman sleep on the floor while I took the bed. Even if you were my worst enemy, I would still make you sleep on the bed.” We walked into the room and I remembered my first night with John, how he had let me sleep on the floor because he just didn’t give a fuck when I fought him on it. Should that have been my first sign that he was an asshole? “The bed is big enough. You just stay on your side and I’ll stay on mine,” I said wearily. He nodded and went to the bathroom, changing into his pajamas. I did the same when he was done and plopped down on the bed, too exhausted emotionally to do anything else. It wasn’t really time for bed, but I couldn’t think of doing anything else. I just wanted to sleep and forget this day ever happened. Jake turned off the light and came to bed. I chuckled to myself when I saw that even his pajamas were plaid. I laid in the dark and stared up at the ceiling, wishing I could forget the picture of him kissing her, but every time I closed my eyes, that was all I saw. For the first time in a long time, I felt truly loved by someone other than my grandmother and that was all gone now. I was all alone again and now I would have to live in the same town as him. I would have to watch him move on to someone else or start whoring around. Tears poured from my eyes as my chest ached, like a knife stabbing me in the heart. Each breath was harder than the last until I was sobbing uncontrollably. Arms wrapped around me and held me close. Pulling me to his chest, Jake ran his fingers through my hair, trying to soothe me. I was grateful for the shoulder to cry on. I was grateful that tonight I wasn’t alone.
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“Out of bed,” Jake said as he pulled the covers off me. “You can’t wallow in bed all day. It’s time to get up and start working on the house. We have a ton of work to do today.” “I don’t want to,” I groaned. My head was pounding from crying so much and my eyes felt swollen shut. “Too bad. I’m not going to let you stay in bed when you could be moving on.” “You know?” “Saw it on the internet this morning.” He shrugged and glanced toward the window. “I don’t know what happened, but obviously if you’re here, it wasn’t something you could work out.” I snorted and shook my head. “Not a chance.” “Alright, then get your ass up and get moving. Sitting in bed isn’t going to take your mind off your problems.” I groaned but climbed out of bed and shuffled to the bathroom. After taking a shower, I dressed in my work clothes and met Jake in the kitchen for a quick breakfast. We got to work soon after and it wasn’t long before I was focusing on our project and forgetting about my problems. That is, until John showed up at my door. “What are you doing here?” I asked. “I needed to talk to you. We need to work through this.” “We can’t,” I said, baffled that he thought he could just make this all better. “We can, but you have to let me explain. You have to let me talk this out with you.” “You explained enough yesterday,” I said angrily. “I don’t want to hear your excuses anymore.” “They’re not fucking excuses. I’m not saying that what I did was okay. I just want to sit down and talk about this like adults.” “John, that would have been something we might have been able to do if you had told me right away, but you didn’t tell me. You let me get blindsided. You let me think the worst and then your explanation wasn’t much better.” “Fuck, Lindsey.” He looked at me desperately, his eyes pleading with me to listen, but I had nothing left to say. He broke my heart and I wouldn’t sit around and wait for it to happen again. “I’m sorry, John. This isn’t going to work. I know what I’m capable of dealing with and this isn’t something I can do.” My heart broke as I said the words. The tears welled again and my legs felt like they would give out at any second. “I can’t put my trust in you again. I can’t pretend like I won’t be thinking about this every time you go to work.” “What do you want me to do? Quit my job? That won’t solve anything.” “No, it won’t and I would never ask that of you. But you can’t expect me to just get over this.” “I’m not asking you to. I’m asking for you to talk this through with me. I’m asking you to not walk away without trying to work this out.” “I can’t.” “You can’t or you won’t?” “I can’t because my heart can’t take another beating right now and I won’t because I know it won’t change anything.” “Don’t do this to us. Don’t throw us away.” “You already did!” I yelled. “You threw us away when you kissed her.” “I didn’t want to,” he pleaded. “But you did. You broke my heart and for what? To do your job? I won’t let you do this to me again. I won’t give you the chance.” “You have to,” he pleaded, stepping into my space and cradling my face in his hands. His eyes burrowed into me, digging for a place in my heart, but it had already iced over. “Please,” he whispered hoarsely. “Don’t give up on us. What we have is real.” He kissed me softly on the lips and then across my face to my ear. “Please, give me a chance to make this right,” he whispered in my ear. “I love you so fucking much. We can work this out.” “No, we can’t,” I said, taking a step back from him. A tear slipped down his cheek and I wanted so badly to reach out and touch him, but I couldn’t allow myself to do anything that might drag me back into his embrace. I couldn’t hold out against him if he kept touching me. His lip quivered and he shook his head slightly. “I won’t give up,” he grit out. “I won’t ever give up.” “You will and a lot sooner than you think,” I said as I shut the door in his face. I rested my forehead against the door, letting my emotions wash over me, the devastation that I felt inside. I felt Jake’s hand on my shoulder and turned to him with tears in my eyes. “Are you sure about this?” I nodded, not able to speak at the moment and he nodded, but I saw the way he glanced outside. I saw the look in his eyes, like he wanted me to change my mind, but he wouldn’t ask. “Come on. We have a lot of work to do.” I walked away from the door and away from John. I had to forget about him or it would tear my heart to shreds all over again.
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It had been three weeks since I walked away from John. He showed up every day for the first week, begging and pleading for me to take him back, but I couldn’t do it and by the last day, I didn’t even answer the door. He pounded on the door for a good fifteen minutes before he got the hint and walked away. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t see his face and then go on with my day. It was too hard. “Okay, you have to stop sulking around the house,” Maggie said as she pushed through the door. “I’m not sulking. I’m working.” “Sure you are. I can tell by the sweats and the fact that you smell worse than someone who’s been working out in the sun on a 90 degree day.” I sniffed my armpit and cringed at the rancid smell. “How does Jake put up with you? I’m surprised he hasn’t run for the hills yet.” “It’s not that bad. Besides, Jake and I have been working on separate projects this week. We hardly even see each other.” “Gee, I wonder who suggested that?” I narrowed my eyes, but had to admit that she had a point. “You’re not staying here tonight. You’re going to get dressed and come out with the girls and me.” “I’m not in the mood.” “I don’t care. We’re going to see hot men dance naked on stage for us and there’s no way that you’re missing that.” “Maggie, I’m really not in the mood,” I said with a sigh. “Besides, I have so much to finish up around here and-” “And pretty soon you’re going to be sitting at home with a cat to keep you company. I’ve given you your time to be depressed, but life goes on. Besides, I’m not totally convinced that you’re right here.” “You think I should have stayed with him?” I asked incredulously. “I think you should have given him the chance to talk. We all make stupid choices at some point in our lives. I made a huge one with Sebastian and it almost ended our relationship. It did actually, for a while. I’m lucky he forgave me at all.” “Did you cheat on him?” “No, but I consider what I did much worse. But I’m not here to talk about that. It’s your decision and I’ll stand by you, but you’d better be sure because if you walk away and you’re not sure, you’ll have screwed yourself out of something great. John is a great guy and I don’t think he intentionally hurt you. That being said, if this isn’t something you can forgive, I won’t bring it up again.” “Thank you,” I said, happy that we could end this conversation. “Alright, get your butt upstairs and take a shower. Shave your legs, and for the love of God, do something with that rats nest on top of your head.” She turned for the door, shouting over her shoulder as she opened the door. “I’ll be back at six to pick you up!” I trudged upstairs, not wanting to do as she said, but even if I didn’t go out tonight, I definitely needed a shower. I was nasty. It took me a half hour to shower because of how hairy I was. I had definitely let myself go since John and I broke up, but I couldn’t find it in me to care. Until now. Seeing how nasty I really was, I was glad that Maggie had come here and kicked my ass into at least cleaning up. When she came back at six, I was as close to normal as I would come. I had on jeans and a blouse that looked somewhat fun. Still, I didn’t have on makeup or look like I wanted to party in the least. Maggie sighed and dragged me to her car, talking the whole drive about her husband and his friends stripping because they lost a bet. Apparently, she had called in the whole town as some kind of fundraiser for a sick child. The guys didn’t know they would be stripping in front of everyone. The room was packed when we got to the event center. There were people I recognized from around town and some Maggie introduced me to as friends of hers. I was relieved when I saw Claire and Lucy, glad that there were some familiar faces here tonight. “I’m surprised you came out to see this,” I said to Claire. “Doesn’t this cross some kind of boundary with Derek?” “This is research,” she grinned. “If I ever want Derek to do this, I have to take notes.” “And it’s the same for you?” I asked Lucy. “No, I just came to see some dick.” I laughed at her brash attitude and found a seat next to them. When the show started, I had to admit, they were better than I thought they would be. My eyes went wide when they all started taking off their clothes. They were all hot, every one of them like a little slice of heaven. Good Lord. I started fanning myself to keep from passing out from all the sexy hotness. By the time the pants came off, I was chugging water and praying that they were going to take it all off. Which they did moments later. “Holy shit.” “I know,” Claire whispered next to me. “Don’t tell Derek I was staring.” “At which one? They’re all so…” “Huge,” Lucy added. “Holy fuck.” “I wish I had some grapes right now,” Claire said as the guys lifted their helmets one last time, letting their big, beautiful cocks show one last time. Then they all walked off stage, leaving the women, and a few of the men in the crowd, screaming for an encore. Disappointment settled in when they didn’t come back out. “When will they be repeating that?” I asked Maggie. “I definitely want to be around for the next show.” “They’re not,” she said sadly. “This was a one time thing.” “Damn,” I whispered. “That’s too bad. Thanks for forcing me out tonight. I really needed this.” “Hey, what are friends for, if not to show off their husband’s cock to a thousand screaming women?” I laughed as we walked for the exit, but stopped in my tracks when I saw John standing in front of me. My breathing stalled in my chest and everything started growing spotty. “Breathe,” Maggie whispered to me. I didn’t know what to say. He looked at me like I had killed his puppy, even though he was the one that had trampled my heart. I wanted to turn and run. I wanted to get as far away as possible, but I couldn’t move from the spot I was rooted to. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from his beautiful blue ones. In that moment, I knew I couldn’t stay around this town. I couldn’t live here in the same vicinity as John and go on with my life. I would never survive.