CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Ice
I SAT ON my couch, drinking beer at eight o’clock in the morning. I didn’t give a shit. After seeing Lindsey last night, I just gave up. She didn’t want to see me anymore and it was plain as day by the look on her face. It hurt her to see me. But what killed me was when I saw her in the crowd and she was staring at those guys' bodies. I saw appreciation and that just pissed me off. When I tried to talk to her, she just brushed me off, saying she didn’t ever want to see me again. That was the point that I drove to the liquor store and bought everything I could to forget. I had been drinking all night, staring at the fucking wall and wishing she was here with me. I was pretty drunk right now, but I didn’t give a shit. “Yeah, he’s here,” Chris said as he shoved through my door and took in all the beer bottles littered around my living room. Jules walked in behind him, shaking his head. I probably looked like shit, but I didn’t care right now. “You weren’t at work today. Remember? We were supposed to start training at seven?” I nodded, but didn’t say anything. “Is there a reason you look like you broke into a distillery?” Chris asked. “You were there,” I said gruffly. “You saw her.” “Yeah, but I thought you were moving past this?” Jules said. “Turns out, I’m not. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m on the verge of losing my fucking mind.” Chris sighed and sat next to me, snatching a beer from the cooler I had brought to the living room in the middle of the night. “Man, you can’t go down this road. You can’t just fall apart. You have a job to do.” “Pretty sure I don’t give a shit about my job right now. Just tell Cap I’ll be taking some time off.” “No,” Jules said. “That’s not what you need. You need some pussy right now. Work her out of your system.” “You’re such a dumbass,” Chris said, rolling his eyes. “Look, I know this sucks right now, but sitting around the house isn’t going to help anything. It’s sure as shit not going to make you feel better.” “Do you remember what it was like when you had to walk away from Alison?” “Sure,” Chris nodded. “Broke my fucking heart.” “I thought when I walked away from my girlfriend all those years ago that I had hardened my heart to love. I thought I just wasn’t cut out for it. I mean, there had to be something wrong with me, right? I gave up her instead of my job.” I huffed out a laugh as I rested my head back against the couch. “Right now, I’d give up everything to have Lindsey back. She’s fucking everything to me that I didn’t know I wanted.” “Damn,” Jules said, snatching a beer and sitting down on the other side of me. “I don’t know how to move on from here. I’m so fucking lost. I just…I’ve never dealt with anything like this before. How did you do it with Alison?” “I threw myself into work,” Chris said. “I was getting ready for joining the military. I thought Alison was better off without me.” “But she wasn’t. She needed you and you let her down. Just like I let Lindsey down. It’s just wrapped up in our DNA to let down the ones we love.” “Shit,” Jules said, leaning back against the couch with a sigh. “When I was fifteen, I was in love with this girl in my class. She was beautiful and shy. She was everything I wanted. I used to go on walks with her after school, taking her home or to the store. I just wanted to be near her. I spent every fucking minute I could with her.” I watched as Jules shook his head in disappointment. “But she didn’t have a lot and my friends made fun of her for the clothes she wore. I wanted to ask her out so badly, but I let my friends get the better of me. I’ll never forget the look on her face when I made fun of her because my friends were with me. I didn’t want to look like I was crazy in love with her.” “Bet she never spoke to you again,” I said drunkenly. “No, she never got the chance,” he said sullenly. “She ran away from me and by the time I got my head out of my ass to go find her, she was gone. She was on her way home when she got hit by a truck. I should have been walking with her. The driver said that he didn’t see her until the last second and he couldn’t avoid her. It was on a hill. She died thinking that I didn’t care about her.” I had fucking tears in my eyes at the end of his story. That was so fucking sad. Two hours later and we were all fucking drunk off our asses. It wasn’t a pretty sight. And we were out of beer. Chris called in reinforcements. “What the fuck happened here?” Cap asked as he walked in the door. “I broke my woman’s heart,” I said sullenly. “I left Ali alone to be raped and beaten for seventeen years,” Chris shook his head. “I got a girl I loved killed,” Jules muttered. “Jesus Christ,” Sebastian said as he ran a hand down his face. Sinner, Cazzo, and Burg strutted in behind Cap, their faces falling when they saw the three of us drunk off our asses. “Well, this looks like a party,” Sinner said glumly. “At least there aren’t any fucking sappy movies playing,” Hunter said as he pushed past Sinner. He was carrying in cases of beer, followed by Derek. “Where’s Lola? Isn’t this her kind of party?” I asked. “Nah,” Hunter waved me off. “She’s all happy and shit with Ryan. Best not to bring her down.” “How thoughtful of you,” I slurred out. “Sit down and tell us your deepest darkest secrets. We’re well on our way to drinking our demons into oblivion.” Three hours later, we were all fucking toasted. I had slowed down on the drinking, but Chance, Gabe, and Jackson were on their way over with food. As soon as I had something in my stomach, I could get back to drinking. “I totally fucking get it, Jules,” Cazzo said sullenly. “When I almost got Vanessa killed, it was like the end of my world. I didn’t want to live that night. I was just so ashamed, but it wouldn’t have solved anything. You gotta move on with life.” “I did, but I don’t get close to anyone anymore. I don’t fucking deserve it.” “Of course you do,” Chris scoffed. “Everyone deserves a chance at love. Look at how I fucked up Ali’s life and she still fucking wants me. That woman is my savior.” “You guys are so lucky,” I said, tears clogging my eyes and throat. “You guys got your women back. Me? I’m gonna forever live without her, knowing that I fucked up big time. I didn’t even mean to. I just wasn’t fucking thinking and I lost her. I lost the only woman that ever made me really love.” “You’ll get her back,” Jules said, patting me on the shoulder. “It can’t be over. She’s your shoelace.” “What?” I asked drunkenly. Surely I had heard him wrong. “Did you just say she’s my shoelace?” “Yeah, like, you can’t wear shoes without fucking shoelaces,” Jules snorted. “You’d trip over your own fucking feet cuz your shoes would fall off.” “Unless you had velcro,” I pointed out. “Or slip ons. Lots of people wear slip ons nowadays,” Cap said. “And don’t forget about shoes that zip up,” Sinner said. “Those mother fuckers are bad ass.” “And then there are the shoes that lace up and have velcro,” Derek said. “You know, like winter boots.” “Yeah, maybe she was like a winter boot,” Hunter said. “You know, you just use her during certain seasons.” “I don’t want to fucking use her during certain seasons. I want to have her all the time. Summer, winter, fall…what’s the other one?” “Spring,” Cap supplied. “Right, I want fucking spring with her.” “What the fuck are you guys talking about?” We all turned to see Chance, Gabe , and Jackson standing in the doorway. I hadn’t even heard them come in. “Take off your shoes,” I grinned. “Stay a while.” “Unless you plan on keeping those fucking shoes,” Sinner said pointedly. “If they don’t have velcro, you’re basically fucked.” “Okay,” Chance said, bringing the pizza into the living room and setting it on the table. “Time to sober you all up. You don’t make any fucking sense.” “Was your wife like shoelaces?” Cap asked. “You told me that you wished you would have come home sooner to her. Do you think you could have retied those laces?” Chance looked at Cap like he was crazy. “My wife was like a pain in the ass. I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.” “I’m talking metaphotormically,” he slurred. “She was your woman. Now she married some other douchebag and she’s got fucking kids and what do you have? Fucking hypoallergenic pillows, that’s what.” Chance grabbed a beer and a slice of pizza while we all nodded along with Cap. He was right on the money with that one. “That’s what I’m gonna be, walking around in ten years with fucking pillows because I have no shoelaces.” I shook my head in disgust. “Fucking useless.” “What about you, Gabe? You got a woman in your life?” Burg asked. “Or man,” Hunter cut in. We all looked at him strangely. “What? We all know he’s fucking gay. Someone might as well say it.” “I’m not fucking gay,” Gabe growled. “Then what was with you staring at me and Lucy fucking. You could only see my ass and you couldn’t look away.” “It’s not what you think,” Gabe sighed, grabbing a beer and sitting down. “It better not fucking be,” Hunter barked. “Man, I’ve been keeping my distance because I thought you had a thing for me.” “I don’t have a thing for you. I like to watch.” “Watch what?” Jackson asked. “I like to watch others…” He waved his hand to continue. “Man, you’re gonna have to spell it out,” Burg said. “We’re all fucking trashed.” “I like to watch others engaging in sexual acts,” Gabe bit out. “You like to watch people fucking?” Sinner asked. “Why didn’t you just say that? Why did you let Hunter think you were gay?” “Because a lot of people think it’s gross. Let’s just say my last girlfriend wasn’t all on board with it and left my ass when she found out.” “Total bitch,” Cap muttered. “I know. Everyone likes something. So what if I like to watch? It turns me on. I didn’t say anything about her liking to suck my fingers,” Gabe huffed. “Like, she was giving them a blow job?” I asked. “That’s what I thought,” he shook his head. “No, she just liked to suck my fingers. I thought it was weird too, but who am I to judge?” “So, you weren’t thinking of fucking me when you walked in on me?” Hunter asked. “No, just leave the fucking door locked if you don’t want me watching.” “Hey,” Hunter grinned. “You know, Claire had this fantasy about vouyerism-” “Shut it, Pappy,” Derek hissed. “Nobody’s watching me fuck her. That’s one fantasy that’ll never happen.” “Jackson, last one. Tell us your scariest secret,” Chris grinned. “I don’t have any secrets,” he said with a shrug. “Sure you do. Everyone’s got secrets,” Cap said. “Fine, you really want to know?” We all nodded eagerly. “I used to be a woman.” “Hey!” Sinner snapped his fingers. “Burg almost fucked one of those.” Burg threw his beer at Sinner’s head and smashed a piece of pizza into his face. “Dude, seriously?” Cazzo laughed. “You would make one hideous woman.” “No, not serious, you assholes. I’m all man. I told you, I don’t have any fucking secrets,” Jackson rolled his eyes. “What the hell is wrong with all of you?” We all looked to the door to see Maggie standing there with Claire and Lucy looking disgusted. “I got this one,” Sinner stood. “Chance has hypoallergenic pillows because he doesn’t have shoelaces, Chris got Ali raped and beaten, Ice broke his woman’s heart, Jules got his girlfriend killed, Burg almost fucked a dude, Cap likes slip ons , Gabe likes to watch people fuck, Cazzo wanted to kill himself when he almost got Vanessa killed, and Jackson might have been a woman. We’re not quite sure yet.” “What about you?” Maggie asked Sinner as she stood in the doorway. “I like zippers,” he shrugged.