Chapter 15

Amanda

For the first time in my life, I was a complete and total mess. Nothing was helping me feel better. No matter how many pints of ice cream I ate or long phone calls I had with my dad, I still felt emotionally and physically like total shit. I couldn’t believe that Nathan flipped switches on me like that, and I had no idea where he was getting his information, but it was more than wrong. Someone was trying to sabotage my life, going so far as to give Nathan a fake marriage license. As far as online, I found one site that listed me as married, but when I looked further, it was another Amanda Johnston from Iowa. It wasn’t even me.

As far as my physical ailments, I was still feeling terrible. I had gotten to the point where I could get up and shower every day, but I think that was more because I was getting used to feeling like hell, not because I actually felt any better.

I was starting to get concerned about my wellbeing. Stomach flus never lasted this long, so I made an appointment with the doctor and dragged myself to his office. They did all kinds of tests and left me sitting in the office on a crumpled strip of paper with an examination gown that swamped me. I dangled my feet over the edge of the table and looked down at my feet, feeling so small in the world. It was times like these, when I was sick and scared, that Nathan was supposed to be there comforting me.

“Amanda,” the doctor said as he walked in, looking at my chart. “I think we found the culprit to your stomach issues.”

“Oh, good,” I said. “What do I need to do? Take some medicine and get some sleep I hope because I’m exhausted.”

“Well, it’s not quite that simple,” he said. “You are going to be feeling exhausted for quite a while, although there are things I can do for the nausea.”

“What do you mean? What’s wrong with me?”

“Nothing is wrong with you.” He chuckled. “You’re pregnant.”

“Wait, what did you say?”

“You’re pregnant, Amanda,” he said, taking off his glasses and looking at me. “And I can tell now, this is coming to you as a surprise.”

“Uh, yeah,” I said. “I mean, the thought of me being pregnant never even crossed my mind. Not for a second.”

“I’m assuming you are sexually active,” he said.

“Yes, well, I was,” I replied. “We broke up.”

“Maybe you should call him,” he said gently. “You don’t have to go through all of this alone.”

“I don’t think that’s an option,” I replied, completely stunned. “And you’re sure I’m pregnant? It’s not just some weird mishap with the test?”

“Blood tests don’t lie about something like this.” He smiled. “And from your chart, it looks like you are a week late for your period at this point.”

“Yeah, I just thought it was because of whatever I had,” I said.

“Well, in a way it is.” He chuckled. “Why don’t you lay back, and I will take a look with the portable sonogram? It’s not as elaborate as the full version you will get in a month or so, but it will show me the gestational sac, and I can tell you about how far along you are.”

I laid back and lifted my knees, pushing them apart. He reached under the sheet and inserted the wand, moving it slightly back and forth. I looked over at the black and white screen, watching the blurs move across, wondering which one was the baby. He clicked and clacked on the keys, taking measurements and looking at his notes. When he was done, he cleaned me up and sat back in his chair.

“Well, it all seems to line up perfectly,” he said. “You are around five weeks pregnant, but that reading can change as the baby grows, and we can actually take better measurements.”

I didn’t know what to think. My mind was on fire. Nathan had left me. He had just gotten up and ran off, saying I was trying to steal his money. I was all alone, with no job, no ability to start my clinic, and I wasn’t sure I was ready for any of it. My face turned white as I sat there staring up at the different charts on the wall.

“If you need some help,” the doctor said. “Or you need to talk to someone, I can refer you.”

“Thank you,” I said sweetly. “I just want to go home.”

“Alright,” he said. “The front desk will have some information for you, and they will set up your next appointment.”

“Thank you, doctor,” I said, smiling at him as he left the room.

I gathered my things and changed my clothes, my mind completely blank. It was like I had gone numb, and nothing seeped through, not even the heartache that had been plaguing me. When I checked out, they gave me a prescription for the morning sickness, and I set up my future appointments. I walked out to my car and climbed in, sitting there and gripping the steering wheel.

I had no idea what to do next or where to even go. I figured that my first step was to call Nathan and let him know. He deserved to know he was going to be a father. I pulled my cell phone out of the bag and scrolled through the numbers, my finger hovering over the call button. If he still felt the same way as before, he was going to just think this was a ploy to get him back. Either way, I had to tell him, or at least try to tell him. It was my responsibility to do so.

I pressed call button and pulled the phone to my ear, listening to the ringing. After the third ring, it went straight to voicemail. He had rejected the call, which didn’t surprise me at all. I thought about leaving a voicemail, but I had no idea what I should even say. I couldn’t tell him that I was pregnant on his voicemail, and everything else would just sound like a feeble attempt to get him to call me. I hung up the phone and tossed it on the seat next to me. What were the steps after that? Should I find him? Should I go to his office to tell him the news, or should I take the rejected call as a rejection of me and the baby? With the way, he acted the last time I saw him, I wouldn’t be surprised if he rejected both of us anyway.

Tears began to burn at the corners of my eyes, thinking about the life I had lost. None of this was fair, and now, I was facing this huge thing on my own. I leaned my head back against the seat and took in a deep breath, shaking my head.

Fuck it.

I could just raise this baby on my own, be a single mother to it, and when it was old enough, it could make the choice to find its father or not. It wasn’t the ideal situation by any stretch of the imagination, but I wouldn’t abort the baby. It just wasn’t in me to do that. I had made my bed, with someone’s diabolical push, and now, I had to sleep in it alone.

I started the car and pulled out of the parking lot, tears overflowing and streaming down my cheeks. I wasn’t sure what I was more upset about: Nathan’s blatant refusal to hear me out, the fact that I was going to be a single mom, or that my whole life was a complete and utter mess. I cried the entire way home. Then, I went inside and laid down on the couch, sobbing into the pillow. I needed to get my prescription, but I couldn’t go anywhere in that state of mind. I turned my head to the side and sniffled, listening to my phone vibrate on the table. I grabbed it, hoping it was Nathan, but it wasn’t. It was Lindsey, probably making sure I hadn’t thrown myself off the roof after the breakup.

“Hey,” I said, trying to muffle my shaky voice.

“Hey, sweetie,” Lindsey replied. “I was just calling to check on you and see how you were doing.”

I thought about telling her, getting the whole thing off of my chest. If she knew I was pregnant, she would surely tell Jordan, and maybe he would spread the news to Nathan. I swallowed hard, realizing that wasn’t the answer at all.

“I’m doing okay,” I said. “I went to the doctor today.”

“Good,” she said. “What did they say?”

I paused for a moment, trying to decide what to tell her. I felt so alone, but putting this drama on my best friend was not the answer to making me feel better. I thought up a quick lie and figured I would explain it later when the time was right.

“I have the flu,” I said. “Just like I thought. They gave me something for the nausea, and I am going to go get the prescription in a little bit.”

“I’m so glad that it can be fixed,” she said. “I was really starting to worry about you.”

“I just hope you don’t get sick since you were over here,” I said, making it sound believable. “You know how these things go, and I don’t want you laid up, missing work and preparations for the wedding.”

This was going to be my cover story for now, and I had to make sure that there were no holes in it. On top of that, if I sounded like an incubator for the plague, everyone would leave me alone for a little while. I just wanted to be alone, to have some peace and quiet to start thinking about everything. I needed a plan, and I needed one fast. My money would hold me and the baby for a little while, but after that, I had to go to work and provide for my child.

“I don’t want you to worry about that,” Lindsey said. “You probably were past contagious when I came, and if I was going to catch anything, I would already be feeling it. Besides, a little stomach flu might get these three pounds off my thighs that the photographer keeps bitching about.”

“I don’t think that’s a good way to do it.” I laughed.

“You’re probably right, but damn it, the squats are just not working,” she said. “And if I eat another bowl of dry lettuce, I am going to be growing floppy ears and a puffy little tail. Then the photographer will really have something to complain about.”

“You would be an adorable bunny.” I fake chuckled.

“I would,” she said. “Alright, I’ll let you go. Get that prescription filled, and get some sleep. I’ll check on you later, and if you need anything at all, just call me. I can run over to the house.”

“Thanks, girl,” I said. “Love you.”

“Love you, too,” she said before hanging up.

I put down the phone and laid my head on the pillow, staring blankly toward the window. My life had changed in the matter of five minutes, and I didn’t even know how to compute that through my little brain. I was shell-shocked and angry and every other emotion I could possibly have. Tears welled up again in my eyes and ran down onto the pillow. The only thing I could do was lay there and cry, letting the hormones escape through my tear ducts. Hopefully, by the time I was able to process things again, I would feel better about it all. Nathan had left me, and it was obvious I couldn’t change that, but now, I had to move forward, with or without him.