Jason

I slipped in through the sliding glass door from the backyard. My parents weren’t around so I felt like I’d maybe snuck in without them knowing I’d been gone. If they had been there, I’d planned on saying I’d just gone outside. Lying sucked, but what else could I do.

“Jason, is that you?” Dad called out.

Fear pinged, and I froze. I had to swallow twice before I could answer. “Yes, sir.” I moved to the kitchen, realizing I was late for dinner.

“Where in the world have you been?” Mom asked.

“I took a walk.” She lifted her brows and her lips pinched together even tighter. I felt the urge to explain. “I was thinking.”

Dad narrowed his eyes and turned a little pale before looking away. Mom opened her mouth and drew in a breath, indicating she wanted to speak, but Dad must have kicked her under the table. She jumped and whipped her head around to stare at him.

Anger fumed in her eyes. I thought she was going to say something even though it was obvious my dad didn’t want her to. When Dad reached out and grabbed her hand, she shot him a dirty look.

I wondered how long Dad would keep my secret? Was it even something I could make him do? He seemed to be more on edge, a little more brittle.

Maybe I should just tell everyone I was gay. Dianna and Josh already knew. Would it be so bad if I were open? Then Zayn could be here eating dinner with us…or would I be kicked out too? I felt terrible for him. How would he sleep tonight? I’d been in that church alone during the night. It was spooky.

Mom picked up her fork and ate, demolishing her food with quick movements that made it look like she was stabbing the food instead of picking it up to eat. Anger poured from her, and even the youngest of my siblings avoided talking. They were old enough to understand social cues, and there was little doubt Mom was in a fighting mood.

Matt and Tom weren’t babies any longer. Soon, they would have to deal with the realities of our family. It wasn’t just Josh who would be forced to attend a Christian school he didn’t want to go to. Matt and Tom would be stuck attending university at some crazy Christian school.

I couldn’t fathom Lori being forced to marry a stranger, much less Brianna having to do that. Depression set in as I thought about how screwed up my family was. My parents were crazy to think selling Dianna off to some guy would be fine—okay, I wasn’t sure my dad was selling Dianna, but why else were they so quick to get rid of her?

Somehow, we made it through dinner without me blurting out I was gay. By some miracle, Mom didn’t attack Dad, and everyone left the kitchen blissfully ignorant other than the awareness that Mom and Dad were arguing.

After finishing my chores, I headed to my bathroom. As I stripped, I stared in the mirror, wondering if Zayn would like to see me like this. When I stepped under the warm spray, I took the soap, intending to just wash, but thoughts of Zayn made me excited. His kisses were too hot. I wanted to do things with him I’d never thought about before. What would he look like naked? Would he let me see him, all of him? What if he didn’t want that? I knew pregnancy wasn’t an issue because that would be ridiculous, but there were so many other things I had to worry about. Sometimes I regretted Googling so much on my secret account at the library. There were some things that just couldn’t be unseen.

When I finished my shower, I felt better and worse. I wanted to go to Zayn, but I couldn’t. I didn’t have another key, and if I pounded on the door, I’d probably scare the crap out of him.

Josh came in and plopped down on his bed. “Boy, what is up with Mom and Dad?”

“I don’t think Dad has told Mom I’m gay.”

He shook his head. “I wonder why.”

“No clue.”

I rolled to my side and stared at Josh, wondering if I could tell him about Zayn sleeping at the church. If he told anyone and Dad found out, it would be disastrous. I didn’t want to even think of what type of gasket he would blow.

I put it out of my mind and drifted off. I woke in the middle of the night with a start. Thunder crashed outside. My worry increased. I needed to get to Zayn. I got up and used the restroom. After pissing, I headed to the den, sneaking down the hall as quietly as possible. Once there, I flipped on the TV and remembered my parents had gotten rid of cable. I hardly ever watched any shows, and now that the Weather channel was gone, I didn’t know how to get the weather.

I clicked the buttons, flipping through all the channels. I couldn’t find anything about how big the storm was or how long it would last. If I were at the library, I could pull up some weather and I would know.

Unhappiness swirled as I worried about Zayn. What if he was afraid? Being alone in the church with it storming like this had to be scary. Another bolt of lightning flashed close by and I flinched at the almost instantaneous pop of thunder. If Mom caught me out of bed, she would throw a fit. Hell, it would be nothing compared to the fit she would throw if she found out Zayn was living in the church.