“There is no way in hell we are using her as bait. Over my dead body.”

Zack may have been stoic under pressure, but the idea of any harm coming to me grated on his last nerve.

“I wouldn’t be bait, per se.”

“Oh, really? What would you call it then?”

Poking the bear may not have been the wisest of ideas.

“You’ve got security on me around the clock. It would be more like a trap than bait.”

“Nope. Not happening. Don’t even think about it.”

“But Zack?”

“I said no. We’ll find another way to see if he’s here.”

“How?”

Shaking his head trying to keep his composure, Zack placed his head into his hands as he leaned against his desk at his downtown office.

“Katie…”

I’d come to learn all of Zack’s groans where I was concerned over the last few weeks. There was the “Oh, there’s my sexy Katie” groan, the “I’m so happy to see Katie” groan, and finally, the “I’m so frustrated by Katie” version. That one was definitely the one he was dishing out right now.

“No. That’s the end of it.”

“That’s it?!”

Now I was frustrated right along with him. Once we’d figured out that Randall knew where my family and I were, we’d figured that he had a plan of attack for one or all of us. What we hadn’t figured, was when this plan would happen. In the meantime, security had been placed on me, just like any girlfriend to the mayor would need. It was a ruse, of course, in some regards, since the extent of the security was more than required for an average politician.

Zack also hired additional security outside his usual allotment of the funding so as to keep all things lawful to the town and community. I was against this at first, with the rationale that Randall had known where I was this entire time and done nothing about it. Maybe he really was finished with me, and had moved on. That logic had seemed to hold until Zack pointed out that if Randall was indeed finished with me, then why would he have been so interested to hear about me at all? That sounded so logical that it was something my reasoning just couldn’t hold up against.

Son of a bitch!

“Yes, honey, that’s it. Security stays in place for however long we need it, for you and all your family. I won’t let anything happen to any of you, most of all the love of my life.”

Our relationship had progressed over the last few weeks. Once I’d realized how long I’d been in love with Zack, and that we could explore our feelings freely, I dove in head-first, knowing he’d be right there right with me.

“You are the most stubborn man on the planet!”

“Just for you, baby.”

The corners of his mouth twisted up into the most gorgeous smile I’d ever seen. Okay, every smile he shared with me was the most gorgeous, so I supposed I was slightly biased.

“Fine. Security stays.”

There was disbelief in his expression as he narrowed his eyes at me.

“I mean it. I won’t be someone you need to worry about with all that’s going on.”

“Well, that won’t ease my mind entirely, baby, but I do appreciate your cooperation. I promise I’ll show you just how much tonight.”

“Tonight?”

“Yeah. Do you have some time after work?”

“I think I can make that happen, Mr. Collins.”

“I sure hope so, Ms. Shephard.”

We both stared each other down with our need to be closer, yet we were unable to close the distance in his office. I just couldn’t be that woman who had physical contact in such a public place. Even though it was as private as it got, it was not his home or my business. This was a government office that we both didn’t want to taint with our desire for one another.

“Tonight.”

“Around six?”

“Sounds good. See you then.”

 

***

 

It was hard to believe how the weeks had flown by. Zack and I were already considering moving in together. I was on the fence about it, since my last relationship caused so much hardship—for not just me, but for my entire family as well. Justin had been nothing but supportive, and so had my mom. Both of them encouraged me to do what I felt was right, and since this time Zack and I had known each other for years, things would not turn out the same as before. I tried to consider this, but the panic I felt had me still hesitating.

“I do want to move in with you,” I said.

But I was so scared. I didn’t mention this part to him. How could I? How could I tell him how terrified I was of something that should have been the beginning of everything? If I did tell him, what if he took it the wrong way and assumed that I was afraid of him? What would I do then? I could make excuses, but those would only last so long, especially considering how well he knew me. I felt completely isolated as I pondered his possible reactions. Knowing him the way I did, he probably had me figured out already, and I was worrying over nothing.

“What are you so afraid of? Me? Us? This?”

His inquisitive nature was already echoing my inner turmoil. Smiling to myself, I realized that this was much more than anything I had ever experienced in the past. Even with how new the relationship was, it felt as if we had known each other for way longer than three years. We had started out as friends, and us being together forever was something that I needed to get used to.

“You’ve seen me at my worst more than once at the end of the day, but you stick around no matter how horrible it is, and we’re still together. Doesn’t that tell you something?”

“No! Yes. I don’t know!”

Frustration clouded my brain. I just didn’t know what the right thing was to do here anymore.

“This is not the place for this conversation.”

Flagging down our waiter for the check even though we only just ordered, Zack pulled money from his pocket and handed several bills over as soon as he made his way to our table.

“We’ve decided to eat in.”

With that, he took my hand and escorted me out the front door. My mind was only concerned with the repercussions of my indifference to his plans. I knew he wanted our life together under one room to start soon.

We made it just outside the door, out of earshot of any stragglers passing by. Since this was a small town, with little to do other than gossip about neighbors and friends, the mayor’s love life would definitely become front-page news if anything turned into something un tort.

“Please, stop.”

I saw the empathy written all over his face when he realized how much I was struggling from his hold on my hand.

“I’m sorry, Zack.”

For what, I wasn’t sure anymore. All I knew was the all-consuming fear; nothing else.

“What? Why are you sorry?”

His hand tightened on mine as I struggled to remove it, not wanting but needing to break the connection we shared.

“I’m sorry, I’m just so scared.”

“I hate this. I hate that he did this to you.”

“I’m sorry.”

At that he pulled me so hard that I landed against his chest. My face was pressed against his rather rock-hard pecs.

“Stop apologizing. You have nothing to be sorry about. I’m the one pushing you when you’re clearly not ready.”

It was an analysis that I wasn’t that comfortable with, mainly because it was an accurate one.

I looked up to see his eyes as they reflected the anguish I felt whenever we discussed living together. I’ve previously been used to coldness with Randall, but when Zack looked into my eyes, I felt nothing but warmth and understanding from him.

“I love you.”

How could I not? I loved him with every fiber of my being. I felt it down to my bones.

“Do you now?”

His bearing defined a man of power, but his eyes always betrayed him, at least in my opinion. I saw through the façade of political representation that defined his career. I knew the person behind the politician.

“I do. You know that, right?”

“Yes, I know that.”

Ah, there he was. The knowing look he gave me was one of wanting, needing me to be with him for all things. I saw it whenever we were together.

“Do you really know? I don’t want to push you.”

We seemed to be having this discussion a lot lately. He was usually upset with me and the fact that I couldn’t go any faster than I already had in our relationship.

“I just need some time.”

I didn’t know how much time it would take to feel ready to live with someone again. Zack was the man I had always wished for myself, and I didn’t want to do anything to lose him, but I just couldn’t seem to make my body not betray my inner turmoil. Moving in together was a huge step that last time changed the course of my entire life—and my family’s. Though I had survived, the damage haunted me in more ways than I cared to consider. I didn’t want to make the same mistakes this time around. I wanted us to be forever. Ugh, why couldn’t I just get it together long enough to get past this part and move in with him?

“I can see the gears turning in that head of yours. The steam coming from your ears alone is starting to cause panic on the streets around us.”

Chuckling, I was amazed to be laughing when I was so torn up inside. Only he could cause me to laugh at a time like this.

I just shook my head, eyeing him from the corner of my eye.

“You’re crazy. You know that, right?”

“Crazy about you, yes I am. Thank you very much. Now, enough of this worrying over something that can wait until another day. Where to now?”

“Let’s go back to your place. Pizza and a movie?”

“Sounds perfect. You sure my place works for you?”

Since we had started this discussion of moving in together, Zack often became nervous whenever we spent too much time at his place. I think he was worried I wouldn’t want to live there once I got to know the place better, which was insane, because his house was my dream home in every way possible, even down to the bathroom fixtures. It felt as though he had had me in mind when he built it.

“I love your home. You know that. I swear, sometimes I think you had me in mind when you built it. Everything I could wish for in a house, you have provided for me.”

He abruptly looked away from me as we made our way to the car, the guilt on his face undeniable.

“Zack?”

I was blown away by his reaction. Had he had that house built just for me? For us?

He just kept walking, though, holding my hand tighter as we made our way down the street. Security usually picked him up at the door of the places he frequented, but with this being a date, he’d had the detail maintain a discreet distance so we could have some semblance of privacy.

Finally I just pulled at his hand to make him stop and look at me. The uncertainty in his expression had me concerned.

“Katie, I don’t want to freak you out any more than you already are, so why don’t we just leave this conversation for another time?”

As we entered the car, I nodded, wanting to know, but also not wanting to know. It was frustrating how much my mind and heart were in constant conflict, but I was resolved to just let it rest—for now.

“Another time, perhaps.”

Zack nodded back as we continued our journey to his place in silence.

I was troubled by the way he just stared into the darkness around us as the trees buzzed past.

“Zack…”

I didn’t know what to say that could possibly have made this night any better, but I wanted to salvage what I could before we were both are so uncomfortable that we just barely tolerated each other’s company.

“It’s okay, Katie.”

Then he brought my hand to his lips for a sweet kiss.

I wanted to smack myself for ruining everything. How could we come back from this? How could he even want us to continue?

Tears welled my eyes as he kept staring out the window. Our plans for the evening had been ruined once again by my insistence that we wait before moving in.

“Why don’t you just take me home?”

He whipped his head around to look at me.

“What?! No!”

My cheeks were now damp from all the tears I could no longer contain. Seeing how upset I was, Zack twisted in his seat, taking my head into his hands.

“Katie, no. It seems as if it’s my turn to apologize. I didn’t realize you’d get this upset.”

“How could I not? You’re just staring out the window, thinking. I’m so worried that you’re thinking that I’m more trouble than I’m worth.”

“I forget how little you know of real relationships. I’m not going anywhere, and I love you so much that I would do anything to make you happy.”

He ordered his men to vacate the vehicle once we arrived at his place. I was still shaking and crying.

“Shush, Katie. Honey, we need to take this inside. Let’s go talk.”

Unfastening his seat belt, he exited the car as I held my head in my hands, sobbing harder because I knew that I had ruined what could have been the best thing that had ever happened to me. And now he wanted to talk? I didn’t think I’d ever met a man that wanted to talk about things as much as him.

When the door opened, he leans in to unfasten my belt. Before I realized his intentions, I was in his arms, being carried inside. Thoughts that this may very well be the last time crossed my mind as the sobs continued to spill out onto his shirt.

“Talk?” I said incredulously, between hiccups of breath.

“Yes, baby. Talk.”

His security detail opened the door for us to enter so Zack didn’t have to fish out his keys from his pocket. I was only vaguely aware that we were suddenly on the couch until I felt the soft plush cushions underneath me.

“I think we need to talk more about how you’re feeling. I was thinking on the way here that maybe you need to be able to talk more candidly with me about the inner conflicts you seem to be having.”

He handed me some Kleenex, but then began wiping away the tears from my cheek for me himself.

“Why would you want me to do that?”

I was scared that he might leave before he really knew what I was thinking, but never had the courage to say.

“See? That right there is why we need to talk more about what you’re thinking and feeling.”

Oh crap, had I just said that out loud again?

“I want you to be able to say things out loud any time you want without worrying about how I’ll react. I don’t think you get how well I knew you before we started dating. I wonder if maybe your reactions to things like moving in together have more to do with you not having the courage to take the plunge, when the last time that was probably when everything went wrong for you.”

“Stop doing that!”

I couldn’t help but laugh.

“What?”

“It’s like you’re always in my head! I barely have time to process something before you process it for me.”

“I don’t do that!”

He wasn’t yelling, but he was becoming very defensive as his voice began to rise.

“Yes, you do.”

I lowered my voice and inched away from him in order to put some distance between us and regroup.

“That’s my girl.”

A look I hadn’t seen in quite a while suddenly crossed his face, and I had no idea what it meant.

“What?”

“Nothing. Keep going.”

“I don’t know how you do it, but you seem to know me so well that whatever I’m thinking, you figure out. How do you do that?”

His smile was more pronounced than before, and it appeared as if he was enjoying this, which started to really piss me off.

“Katie, it’s written all over your face. Your every thought comes across in neon for me to read. I can figure out how you feel about anything just by the look you give me.”

“Oh,” I said, giving myself a moment to let it all sink in. Thankfully I wasn’t crying anymore, so that was something. “Well, that’s dangerous.”

“That’s the way it should be with us. Don’t you get it yet?”

“I’m beginning to.”

I just wanted this discussion to be over already.

“Maybe you are, maybe you aren’t, but I won’t stop loving you until we figure things out—together.”

“There you go again. Together? I’m so confused by that!”

Frustration poured out of me as I got up from the couch and began pacing, unconsciously twirling my hair around my index finger. It was a habit I had picked up when my hair was so long it reached my waist. Giving my hands something to do was freeing for some reason.

“I can see that. Spit it out already! What are you so confused about?”

I wanted to figure this out, and he knew it, damn him.

“What does this together stuff even mean? How does this work?”

Pondering for a moment what seems to be the best way to respond, Zack left the living room to pour himself an ice water. Then he tipped the glass in my direction with a look of “want one?”

I nodded because my mouth felt like the desert and my lips were rubbing together like sandpaper every time I spoke.

“Together is a term my parents taught me. It’s how a relationship with the right person should be. No worries of saying the wrong thing. No inhibitions that something may come out wrong. It’s just is how two people that love each other relate to one another’s individual thoughts and ideals. I don’t want you to worry about what you feel, what you’re thinking, or anything. I don’t care. Whatever it is, just tell me so we can figure it out.”

“So what you’re trying to say is that we should be able to share our lives and ourselves with one another without worrying that it may ruin everything?”

“Don’t you get it?”

“What?”

God, I wanted this night to be over with already. I was so exhausted. Who knew confusion and panic could make someone so tired?

“If we are right for one another, then all of that will not matter, because I should understand and be able to help you through anything. And you should understand and be able to help me through whatever it is I’m going through, too. That’s how soul mates work.”

“Together.”

I whispered it so low I didn’t believe he would hear me, but he did. His head shot up in my direction, and his smile beamed at me, as though we had finally reached a breakthrough. Maybe we had. After his explanation, I did feel more liberated, though time would tell.

“From the look on your face, I think we’ve had a breakthrough.”

When he gave me that megawatt smile of his, it took my breath away.

“I do feel more liberated.”

Crap! Well, he said he wanted full disclosure…

“Good, because I’m starving. How’s about we see what’s available on Amazon and rent a movie while the pizza cooks?”

“Peperoni and onion?”

“Of course.”

Leave it to Zack to remember my favorite pizza and have it on hand for last-minute, stay-at-home dates, like this one turned out to be.

“Why don’t you grab the movie, and I’ll grab our drinks?”

“Okay.”

For the first time all evening, I felt truly free. Not as tired as before, but maybe that was to be expected when one found herself suddenly liberated. Who knew? All I knew was that he was still here, and for the first time, I didn’t feel the usual panic when I realized—so am I.