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I worried about Vee. She was going through the routines, being as strong as she always was, but she’d shut down her emotions. I understood why. She was terrified we’d lose Ellie-May and felt like she wasn’t doing enough.
In truth, she was doing everything she could—we all were. But in her mind, she wasn’t mothering her child.
But Ellie-May was doing well. She was putting on weight and had been taken off intubation so she could breathe on her own. She still suffered from sleep apnea, but that was getting better, and just tickling her feet was enough to get her breathing again. We were able to hold her, the doctors and nurses encouraging skin to skin contact. I felt their glances as I held Ellie-May against my bare chest for the first time, their eyes skating across the numerous scars littering my skin, but no one commented. After that first time, it got easier.
As Ellie-May grew stronger, a fresh fear arose—the thought of her coming home. At least with the doctors and machines around her, we could feel some relief that she was taken care of. How would we cope when she was home and it was just us? What would we do then?
I hadn’t wanted to stay at Vee’s father’s house, but we hadn’t had much choice. With everything that had happened, trying to find somewhere else to live had been the least of our priorities. The business was being handled by a man who’d previously worked for Vee’s father, and, as he’d vanished, we’d had no choice but to continue. Neither Vee nor I wanted Ellie-May to grow up in this environment, but, until she’d gotten bigger, it would have to do.
As the days and weeks passed, we gradually got to know the other parents of the premature babies, and some of the full-term babies who had complications. It was a strangely normal thing, the parents getting to know each other, much as we would if we all had children at the same school.
A young couple had a little girl as well, born with part of her bowel on the outside of her body. We struck up conversation with them, tentatively at first, but growing more familiar the more we saw of each other. They were Paul and Meaghan Lacie, and their little girl was called April. High school sweethearts, they’d married not long after graduating. Everyone had told them it wouldn’t last, but it had, and they’d had April not long after Meaghan’s twenty-second birthday. Vee liked having another mother of her age there, and though they were completely different people from completely different backgrounds, having the babies gave them something to connect over.
I’d dropped Vee off at the hospital to spend time with Ellie-May. I had a meeting with Dylan and some of his guys. I was aware of the Blood Legion still hanging around, though they hadn’t caused any problems for us. I’d been concerned I’d end up as some kind of revenge killing, but it looked like I’d managed to get away with Callum’s murder.
The meeting went smoothly. The men were accepting once Dylan had vouched for me. I’d wanted to hate the other guy, especially as he’d spent so much time around Vee when I’d been inside, but we actually got along. I was careful what jobs I worked on, making sure I was never hands on. I didn’t want to risk being sent down again, especially not now.
When I went to pick Vee up, she wasn’t waiting outside as we’d planned. I tried her cell phone, but it went straight through to voice mail. Threads of worry wound around my heart. Had something happened? Was it Ellie-May? I felt sure she’d have tried to contact me if our daughter had taken a turn for the worst. I parked the car and went into the hospital building, automatically heading up toward the NICU. I found her sitting in the corridor, staring at her hands in her lap. My stomach dropped and I hurried toward her, and crouched in front of her. She barely acknowledged my presence.
“Vee? What’s wrong? Is Ellie-May okay?”
She managed a nod. “It’s not her.”
“Then what?” Alarm spiked through me. “Please, tell me.”
“April didn’t make it,” she said, her voice barely a whisper. “They took her in for surgery and she didn’t come out again.”
“Oh, Jesus Christ.”
“Meaghan was a mess. They told her and she screamed, and just crumpled to the floor. I’ve never seen anyone like that before. Such utter grief, it was like she’d turned into an animal. They had to sedate her.”
“I’m so sorry.”
She lifted her eyes to mine, wide and dark. Fathomless. “They die. These babies die. Ellie-May still might die.”
I shook my head. “No, baby. Ellie-May is doing great. Don’t think like that.”
She kept talking, but I had the feeling she wasn’t really speaking to me. “I shouldn’t have walked through the forest to find the body. I shouldn’t have had sex that night. I’d been charging around the city trying to get you out of jail.” For the first time since I’d found her here, she looked at me and actually saw me. “This is your fault as much as it is mine!”
Her words were bitter and cut me to the soul.
“No, Vee. It’s no one’s fault. The doctors said so.” I tried to take hold of her hands, but she yanked them out of my grip. Then, to my surprise, she smacked her balled fist on my chest, then hit me again, and again.
“Vee, stop it. Stop it!”
I grabbed her wrists, and she went limp, her head hung.
“This isn’t either of our faults,” I said. “It’s nature. It happens. And Ellie-May is going to be all right, but we have to do this together, okay? Don’t keep shutting me and everyone else out.”
She shook her head. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
The fight had gone out of her and I folded her into my embrace. I got up enough to slide myself onto the plastic seat beside her, and then I just held her as she trembled in my arms.
***
The day arrived when we were due to bring her home. Ellie-May weighed over five pounds now and was doing well. Where most six-week-old babies would have started to smile by now, our baby hadn’t even reached the age which she should have been born. She was still so tiny, and the thought of putting her in the car and driving away with her was terrifying. We’d bought everything we’d need to be physically ready for her, but emotionally, I knew we were both way off the mark.
We hugged the doctors and nurses who’d done so much to keep our child alive. It was a bittersweet moment for them, too, I was sure. They’d grown attached to Ellie-May, but this was the point they always wanted to reach—a healthy baby finally going home. It was a trip some babies and their parents never got to make, just like our friends’ baby, April. We hadn’t seen Paul and Meaghan Lacie again. I guessed it would be too hard for them to stay in touch.
“Hi, baby-girl,” Vee cooed, carefully lifting our daughter from the cot she was in now. It was a miracle to see Ellie-May without all the tubes and wires. She was far smaller than most babies, but otherwise she looked completely normal. Our daughter cooed in response to her mother, her eyes bright now, though it was hard to see what color they would end up. She had a shock of dark hair, too, and I could already see she was going to be a little replica of her mom. I didn’t need to see any part of me in her features. I was happy for her to look like Vee. Two faces I loved more than life.
We’d brought in the baby carrier that would fit in the back of the car, together with a going home outfit Vee had bought especially for the trip. It was getting cold outside now, so we wrapped Ellie-May up, doing everything we could to protect her. Now her safety, her life, was being placed in our hands, and we were both equally nervous about getting it wrong.
“Thank you,” said Vee, hugging one of the nurses in charge of Ellie-May’s care. Vee wasn’t the hugging type, and I knew this was hard for her. “I can hardly believe this day has come.”
“I’m glad it has,” the nurse said. “It always makes my day to see one of these little sweethearts go home.”
“I hope I can do as good a job as you did.”
The nurse smiled. “You’ll do even better.”
Vee looked up at me, and I nodded my agreement. “You’re a great mom, Vee. We’ll be fine.”
I was sounding more confident than I felt. It had nothing to do with her abilities as a mother, and more my own insecurities, worrying about what needed to be done to keep this tiny girl alive. The weight of responsibility was like nothing I’d experienced before. Was this how Vee had felt about her sister? I knew I’d never leave Ellie-May, or Vee. They were my life now, and I’d lay down my own for them if I had to.
We strapped Ellie-May into the car seat carrier. Amid lots of farewells, and a few tears, we left the hospital for the final time, but this time with our baby. I drove more cautiously than I ever had in my life. Vee sat on the back seat, beside Ellie-May, holding her tiny hand. Within minutes, the baby was sound asleep.
We arrived back at the house to find Nicole had strung a banner with ‘Welcome Home’ written across it.
I unstrapped the carrier and carefully took it into the house. We put the car seat containing a sound asleep Ellie-May in the middle of the living room, and looked at each other.
What the hell were we supposed to do now?