V
We returned to the house without further event.
Though cautious our father might have made it home before us, we discovered the house locked up exactly as we’d left it. It was late, and I took extra care making sure every door and window was shut and bolted, and the security system was on. I’d already changed the codes for everything once I’d realized Dylan had been able to get onto the property, so our father wouldn’t be able to either.
“Vee?” said Nicole, looking at me with worry in her eyes.
I lifted a hand. “I can’t right now, Nickie. I need to sleep.”
“He can’t get in here, though, can he?”
“No, we’re safe. Get some sleep, if you can.”
I knew Nicole wanted to talk, but I didn’t have any answers for her.
Summoning up enough energy to walk up the stairs, I left my sister to shut myself in my room for the night. I needed to rest, even though my mind was tumbling over and over with endless thoughts.
In bed, I sank into an agitated sleep. I couldn’t get my brain to switch off, my legs twitching with restlessness. Now unable to sleep on my stomach or back due to my size, I shifted from one side to the other, stuffing a pillow between my knees to try to get comfortable. I could feel the baby moving inside me, too, perhaps kept awake by the stress hormones I felt sure my body was producing. I hoped none of this was going to adversely affect the baby. I’d read stress could lead to low birth weight or premature labor. I didn’t want that, but I couldn’t see a way to extricate myself from this situation.
My dreams were filled with my father again, unsurprisingly. I dreamed of him standing over my bed, clutching a massive head wound, while blood poured between his fingertips. “Why did you do it?” he cried at me. “I’ve only ever tried to be your father.” His words confused me, the truth insubstantial, wisps of cloud I kept trying to snatch out only for them to disperse beneath him fingertips. Was he right? Had he been a good parent? In my sleep, I tried to work out which was the reality and which the dream. Had all the bad things he’d done really been the dream? Was he actually a good dad and I’d hurt him anyway?
***
I woke the next morning more exhausted than when I’d gone to bed. I was also ravenous, having not eaten properly the night before. Nicole and I had stopped at a fast food place on the way home, but neither of us had had much of an appetite, and only picked at our meals.
But I needed to eat, if not for me, then for the baby. If I was hungry, the baby was hungry.
I pulled on my robe and headed downstairs. I saw no sign of Nicole. I assumed she was still sleeping after our emotional day yesterday. I quickly checked my cell phone for any news, hoping the hospital might have called to say they’d found our father, but the screen was blank. Paranoid, I checked all the doors and windows, peering out of them to the surrounding grounds. Everything looked exactly as it had the previous day. I exhaled a slow breath, trying to keep my nerves together.
Would he come here?
With a surge of panic, I realized I wasn’t armed. I’d slept with a gun beneath my pillow, but hadn’t thought to bring it down with me. Racing back upstairs, I located the weapon. I had nowhere to keep it in only my underwear and robe, so I dressed, pulling on the stretchy maternity jeans that also happened to be perfect for holding a gun in the waistband. I vowed to walk through the house at some point today and leave a weapon within easy reach in each room. We didn’t have any children living here yet, so I didn’t need to worry about someone little getting hold of the guns and shooting themselves. The only people reaching for a weapon in this house would be me or Nicole, and if we did, it would be to shoot to kill.
Feeling safer now I had my trusty Glock on me, I went back downstairs. I’d forgotten my hunger in my paranoia, but it was back raging at me like an unsatisfied beast. I put coffee on, and set about making pancakes. I hoped my body’s desire for carbs was going to quit after the baby was born, or I would end up the size of a whale.
Movement came behind me, making me jump. Automatically, I reached for my gun, but I spun to see Nicole walking into the kitchen, her hair mussed up on one side, and rubbing her eyes. She reminded me of the little girl I’d watched grow up, the little three-year-old who’d always looked up to me, her eight-year-old big sister, at the time, as someone she copied and admired.
She caught me watching her and frowned. “What?”
I smiled. “Nothing. I was remembering when you were small and you used to come downstairs looking exactly the same as you do now.”
She snorted. “Thanks.”
“It’s funny to think there will be another little person running around here in a few months.”
Her lips twisted. “You think we’ll still be here then?”
I shrugged. “Honestly, I have no idea. I’d hoped we’d be long gone, but the time keeps slipping by.”
“Well, it’ll be a while before he or she is running around anywhere. How long does it take for a baby to start to walk, anyway?”
I laughed. “A year, I think. You were late to walk—almost eighteen months. You were such a fat, lazy little thing. I think you knew you could get away with asking me to get you whatever you wanted and I’d do it.”
“Nothing much changes, then,” she said with a grin. She nodded at the bowl where I was beating pancake mix. “You’re making breakfast, and I can smell coffee.”
“Yeah, it’s just brewing. You want me to get you a cup?”
“Nah, sit down. I’ll do it. I can make pancakes, too, you know.”
Gratefully, I handed breakfast duties over to my sister and sat down at the breakfast bar. I was feeling heavier now, and my legs grew tired quickly from the extra weight I carried. I checked my phone again. I told myself no news was good news, but not knowing where my father was ate at me. Up until a couple of days ago, I’d believed him to be dead, but it seemed he was a hard man to kill. I guessed it must run in the blood.
Nicole finished making pancakes and we sat opposite each other, drinking our coffee and eating. Caffeine probably wasn’t great for me, but after my restless night, I needed it.
With my stomach full, I felt better.
“Are you armed?” I asked Nickie.
She sat up. “No. Should I be?”
“I think we need to be prepared. We don’t know that Dad is going to come here, but I want us to be prepared if he does.”
“I never thought we’d have to arm ourselves in our own home.”
“Why not? Dad did all the time, remember? He rarely went anywhere without a gun.”
She nodded, recalling her memories. “It all seemed so normal when we were kids, didn’t it? I never thought to question what was really going on.”
“Why would you? We were children. I didn’t even think about it until I was in my teens. But even then, what he did didn’t bother me. I guess I thought as long as the money came in and life carried on as normal, I didn’t care. But then I found out about Mom …”
Nicole leaned forward. “How did you find out? About the affair, I mean?”
I rubbed my hands over my face, unsure if I wanted to drag myself through the emotion of it all again, but if something happened to me, Nicole had the right to know. Besides, it was the first time she’d shown any interest in my side of the story.
“I walked in on them in the kitchen—Mom and the other guy, I mean. He’d been here to meet with Dad about something, but Dad had been called out. I guess he must have been told to wait until Dad came back. I found them kissing in the kitchen.” I nodded to a spot beside the Belfast sink. “Right there. He had pushed her up onto the counter, and she had her legs wrapped around his hips. There was no mistaking what was going on.”
Nicole stared at me with wide eyes. “Shit.”
“Yeah. I literally felt sick, like someone had punched me in the stomach. Mom noticed me and they broke apart right away, but the damage was already done. She begged me not to say anything, said he would kill her, and she’d been right. But he found out anyway, and learned I knew as well. I assume the guy told him I knew before he died.”
“I’m so sorry, Vee, for all you went through. I can’t imagine shouldering all that on my own.”
I shook my head. “It’s okay. We need to look forward now.” I touched my stomach. “We have a future and we need to focus on that.” I sighed and got to my feet. “And speaking of futures, I need to go and see X. He deserves to know what’s going on.”
Nicole chewed her lower lip. “Do you think he’s got any idea?”
“About our father, no. But he must know about Leon Millen and his gang. He warned me someone inside would recognize me and use it against us. He told me not to visit, but I brushed off his concerns. I should have listened.”
“But if he told you not to visit, don’t you think it would be safer to stay away?”
“The damage is done now. Anyway, I need to see him. It’s already been too long.”
She glanced down at her hands. “Okay, just be careful.”
I was lucky X got extra visiting hours because he was remanded. I couldn’t imagine having to wait a month or more before being able to see him again. I wished I was going with better news. Nerves jangled inside me in case he’d been hurt again, but none of my fears would keep me away. He was like a tonic to my soul. I felt better just by having him there, and right now I needed a little soothing.