Dad held his signature poker face. He sat behind his massive mahogany desk for dramatic effect, of course. I could hear mom and Lori giggling outside, but it did nothing to ease the mood.

“I’ve been speaking with the Dolphins and the Texans. They both have generous offers.” I sat back in my chair, folding my arms across my chest in defiance. I stared back at him passively. Honestly, I didn’t know what to say. Sometimes, the more he talked, the more I felt like just giving in. Playing for a few years and then going to medical school. But I couldn’t put my dreams on hold for him anymore.

I barely got him to let me major in health promotion like I wanted—he wanted me to major in sports communication so that after football, I could be a sports caster or something and stay where the money was. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Surgeons make big bucks too. The thing is, the sad truth here is that my dad saw me as a footballer, nothing more than a jock ever since the seventh grade. Lori knew that, somehow. I now know that’s why she told him about my MCAT score. I just didn’t think of it before.

“What did they say?” I humored him. He got up, went over to his wet bar and poured himself a scotch on rocks.

“Dolphins are offering five million, three guaranteed, which is better than most.” He replied evenly. He downed his scotch and leaned back against his desk.

“I know it is, the guys on the team didn’t get anywhere near those kind of offers.” He nodded in agreement.

“I’m a litigator, remember? I know how to negotiate.” He grinned, I offered a tight smile.

“Dad,” I sighed, “I’m not going to play football. I’m…just not.” I chuckled humorlessly. His grin subsided and the hard lines of his face reappeared.

“I don’t understand why.” Hmm, this is the farthest I’ve gotten.

“Because I just don’t like it anymore. If Pops made you go to business school when you really wanted to go to law school, how would that make you feel?” He held my gaze for a moment and then looked away quickly. Then I understood.

Pops, my grandfather, probably did the same thing to him that he is doing to me—rest his soul.

“I listened to my father and look where I am now.” His hands rose and formed a circle, gesturing to the den in the ten-million-dollar house we lived in.

“But are you happy? Football doesn’t make me happy. I did it to make you happy. I just can’t do that anymore.” His eyes narrowed into slits as he looked at me.

“I’m happy when I provide for my family. Everything else doesn’t matter.” I sighed and stood up, shaking my head in response.

“Well, you’ve given me the luxury of choosing, so just let me choose.” He shook his head, still wearing a hard frown.

“It’s not that easy son. Don’t make me give you an ultimatum…your mother is waiting for us.” He left the room and ended the conversation. I followed after him, feeling defeated yet again.

Lori made the rest of the evening with my parents better. We stuck around until midnight to say Merry Christmas and what not.

“You aren’t leaving, are you?” My mother flustered when I walked towards the front with Lori.

“No, just walking Lori out.” I laughed a bit as she relaxed.

Lori was silent until we reached her car. She turned to me, teeth chattering. Why hadn’t she worn a coat?

“How did it go? You weren’t in there long with your dad.” I leaned against the car and she stepped closer to me for warmth. I wrapped my arm around her shoulder casually.

“I got farther than I usually did. But it ended with him threatening an ultimatum for me. I don’t know what it will be but…I can think of a few things.” She arched her back to look at me, but it just pressed her chest harder against my side. The cold was the only thing keeping me…soft.

“Like what?” I shook my head, not looking at her.

“I don’t know. He may cut me off but I don’t think my mom would ever let him go that far. I think he may just resent me, that would be the worst.” I couldn’t think of my father actually hating me.

“Maybe it’s a test. He never says it but I know Pops did the same thing to him, except he listened.” I explained. She nodded laying her head on the crook of my shoulder.

“Maybe you should tell him that. That he’s treating you how his dad treated him. Maybe it’s just all he knows and he doesn’t realize he’s doing it.” I nodded.

“Yeah, if it comes up I will. But I don’t think I want to ask him about it again.” She shifted on her feet and looked at me, her blue eyes full of concern.

“You aren’t going to join the draft, right? I mean, will you just give in to him?” I smiled a bit.

“I don’t think so. If I do, you better stop me.” She smiled softly.

“I will.”

“You should get going.” I told her reluctantly. She nodded.

I hugged her tight, bending so my cheek rested on her head.

“Merry Christmas, Cheesecake.” She smiled.

“See you tomorrow.” She laughed as she got in her car. I watched her drive away and then went back inside, straight to my room.

It never changed. It was unnecessarily large, the bed atop a small platform. My mom kept my medical books in my drawer. I looked inside my desk curiously, I smiled when I saw the suture kit she had gotten me a year ago.

I opted for a nice hot shower in my spa-like bathroom. I put on some sweats and then climbed into bed. For a while I thought of how Christmas used to make me feel, now I was just dreading the day with my parents. Lori’s internship loomed in my mind. I decided I should tell her what I did after, knowing her she wouldn’t accept it if she knew. I would have to accept her decision to hate me when she finds out.

Mom made quite the feast for breakfast. She was extremely festive; everything was red including her pajama pant set.

“Good morning, ma. Merry Christmas.” I hugged her and she kissed my cheek after ruffling my hair. I would be thirty and she’d still do that.

“Merry Christmas sweetie. I made egg nog, it’s in the crock pot.” I nodded and poured myself a cup. She makes a delicious egg nog latte type thing, I don’t know how she makes it but it’s darn good.

“Where’s dad?”

“Getting wood for the courtyard.” She sat next to me on the island, giving me one of her looks.

“Lori looked pretty yesterday.” I blushed immediately.

“Ah jeez, ma. Please don’t.” I begged. She giggled softly and nudged my shoulder.

“What? I’m not doing anything…when are you giving her the books?”

“Uh, I think I’ll ask her to come over later. Her dad usually has to go to work in the evenings and her sister has to go to her fiancés’’ for dinner.”

“You should invite them for dinner.”

“Yeah, I might.” It seemed like a good idea.

“Once your dad gets the wood we can open the gifts.” I nodded and kept sipping my egg nog, not fully awake until I was finished.

We sat in the courtyard around the fire, dumb idea because it was fucking cold but we were all bundled up with egg nog. We didn’t really do much concerning gifts but my parents still went big. Dad got mom a diamond necklace that probably cost just as much as my tuition, she got him a new Rolex and some cologne. I got dad a new briefcase, super impersonal but it was really last minute. I got mom a diamond, tennis bracelet.

“Thank you, sweetie.” She hugged me tight. She hugs too much, but I can’t complain. I prefer not to admit it, but I remember the days when I used to drag myself on her leg for a hug.

“This is from us.” She handed me a small box and snuggled up next to my father. Sometimes they were awfully cute.

I opened up the box to find a Baurne and Mercier leather band watch. On the back, they engraved it.

Love, mom & dad.

It was simple but so was I, and I loved it.

“This is great guys, thank you.” I got up and hugged them both.

“We’re glad you like it.” Mom smiled.

We sat in the courtyard with the egg nog until we were frozen to bits, then we went inside. It’s corny, but every Christmas, dad drags us to the theatre room to watch ‘The Godfather,’ his favorite movie. Watching this as a kid growing up wasn’t exactly the best method of parenting on his part but the more I saw how happy it made him, the more I did it.

Sometimes I understand him. I’m his only child, the only one for him to teach and love as his own. Only then do I understand his control and need to be in charge of everything, there is no one else for him to fall back on. Mom doesn’t take that bullshit from him. Out of respect, I have to.

The movie ended and mom went to start cooking. Dad and I usually hit the greens until she ushers us back to the house. I changed into khakis and a crimson polo, you know, Christmas spirit, and met my dad in the garage.

“Help me load these?” He popped the trunk to the Range Rover. I lifted the bag of cubs.

“Getting too old to carry these?” I teased him. He snorted as he got in the car.

The course was a few miles from The Palms, the country club here in Florence. When we walked in, my dad was greeted by pretty much every employee and member that was there.

“What do you say we go for eighteen holes?” Dad lures.

“Uh, sure.” I shrugged.

I would be okay but then I would remember our conversation from last night. Just how far was he willing to take this? What kind of ultimatum would he give me?

“You’re horrible today.”  I missed the first three holes by a landslide.

“It’s all the egg nog.” I lied. I stepped back and watched him.

My dad didn’t look very old at all. Mom keeps him in shape, I actually hope my body looks like his when I’m fifty-ish? Sixty?  I don’t know. My parents had me young though so they can’t be that old.

He didn’t seem to feel the tension that I did so I tried to just relax and enjoy my father when he wasn’t being a control freak.

“You’re losing.” He pointed out the obvious at hold nine.

We took the golf cart to a hillier green. He drove.

“So, Lori looked really nice last night.” I groaned.

“Oh God, you too?” I faced him. He chuckled deep and shook his head.

“Your mother told me. I thought about it but I wasn’t sure. I figured it was just you guys being really close but…” he trailed off.

“But what?” He sighed, parked on the side and didn’t answer me until we set up for a hole.

“You look at her like your mother looks at me. And how I look at your mother.” He swung. I stood dumbfounded.

I already knew I was in love with her, don’t get confused, I just didn’t know it was that damned obvious. First mom, now dad, and that says a lot but he doesn’t notice anything most of the time.

“Don’t look so glum, it isn’t a bad thing. Unless she rejected you or something.” he straightened out and looked at me. We’re the same height so it’s comfortable to speak to each other.

“Oh, you haven’t told her. Your mother didn’t tell me that.” He muttered. I nodded.

“No. And I don’t think I will.” I admitted for the first time out loud. I swung. It went too far.

“Why the hell not?” He laughed.

“She doesn’t feel the same way. I don’t want to mess up our friendship.” I explained simply. He scowled.

“That sounds like a load of bull…but, okay.” He didn’t bother me until the last hole.

“How about we make this interesting.” I groaned.

“Calm down. Look, if I make it in this last hole, you tell Lori how you feel.” I threw my head back and laughed as if he had told a joke.

“Nice try.” I putted the ball, it went in smoothly.

“Alright fine. A thousand bucks says I make it in.” I smiled widely. That I could do. We shook on it. He didn’t make it.

“You owe me a thousand dollars, dad.” I laughed. He shook his head.

“Yeah, yeah. You’ll get it tomorrow.”

We started getting ready to go.

“So are you afraid to tell her because you don’t think she’ll feel the same way?” I shook my head. I was prepared for her not to, I never thought she would.

“No. I told you. I don’t want to lose her as a friend. We’ve been friends our whole lives, and she’s probably my only friend.” He stared at me passively, but I saw concern in his eyes. I briefly wondered if he was terminally ill or something, and that was why he was being so nice.

“I see. But you’ve been friends for so long, I think the worst case is she gets moody and doesn’t talk to you for a few days.” I laughed again. How had I forgotten how witty my dad was? Maybe because every time I spoke to him, he was pressuring me about football.

“Maybe. I just don’t think…I might have done something that changes things and it wouldn’t be fair to her if I didn’t tell her before I confess my feelings for her. And I know that once I do, she would never forgive me.” He gave me a funny look.

“What did you do?” He asked, brows furrowed in confusion. “She already knows you’re a man-whore, what’s worse than that?” I frowned and ignored his last comment.

“I had mom call in a favor and get her the internship.” I exhaled like I just finished running. His face softened and he understood.

“Oh.” I nodded.

“Yeah…she hadn’t heard back from them yet and I knew how much it meant to her, I just wanted to make her happy. She won’t see that at first, maybe not even second. And she may never want to speak to me again.” He cocked his head to the side.

“I don’t think she would be that drastic. But maybe if she knew how you really felt, she would understand. I’m telling you, no one does that for someone who is just their friend.”  I nodded slowly. I heard what he was saying, I guess I was just too scared of the unknown.

I was comfortable with how things were. Yes, I wanted more, to claim her as mine, but I wasn’t sure if I could even do that. I never had before.

“I know. Still, I don’t think I’m right for her. You said it yourself.” He chortled.

“Yeah, but you know your mother was my first girlfriend. We ended up getting married and look at us now. No one is perfect.”

“I know, but I’m so far from it. I mean, Lori wants things that I’ve never given anyone. I’ve never even taken a girl out on a proper date.” I laughed at the absurdity, but it was true.

“You guys go out on dates all the time, technically. You’ll just be knocking genitals afterwards instead.” I turned red in the face and bellowed with laughter.

“Dad, this isn’t the twentieth century, God.” I grabbed the cubs and walked off. He followed, laughing along the way.

He was still laughing when we got home, probably because I was still so red in the face. mom gave us a funny look when she saw us.

“What the hell is so funny?” She smiled brightly. She gave me a look that said she was glad we got along. I don’t think I’ve laughed with my dad like this for a long time.

“Nothing, Nat.” Dad kissed her quickly. She moved to turn to the stove but he grabbed her and pulled her back in close for another kiss. It was sweet for a second but then it was just nasty. I shuddered and walked off to the living room.

The Grinch, the one with Jim Carrey, was on so I watched that. It was almost four so I figured it was a good time to call Lori and see if she wanted to come over for dinner.

“Hey, Dillon. Merry Christmas.” Lori answered in her chipper voice that always brings a smile to my face.

“Hey Cheesecake, Merry Christmas to you too. How is Carrie and your dad?” I asked.

“They’re fine, gift opening was fun. Ryan is okay too.” she added.

“I didn’t ask about him.” I said dryly.

“It’s cute how protective you are of her.” She laughed a little.

“I guess. I was wondering if you and your dad wanted to come over for dinner tonight, since your sister is leaving with Ryan.”

“They already left. Dad is gone too.”

“This early?” She sighed sadly.

“Yeah. You know, people set their hams and turkeys on fire and burn their houses down.” I felt the sadness in her voice.

“Shit, I’m sorry. What the hell are you doing alone on Christmas? Get over here.” I laughed. She giggled in response.

“I’m coming.” She hung up. For a brief second, I thought of her saying those same words, except higher pitched and wanting. Can’t go a damn day without thinking about her like that.

Before you even say anything, I’m not in love with Lori because I want to see her naked, flushed and wanting underneath me. I’m in love with her because she makes all the shit that doesn’t make any sense, make sense. If the sun doesn’t come up, I just look at her smile and I get the same warm feeling. When I feel her body against mine it feels like home, like safety. The rest is just…a bonus. If I ever tell her. If she ever feels the same way.

Lori came over, looking beautifully casual in jeans and a bright red sweater that hung off her shoulder. She tied her long black hair up, exposing her neck. My parents were happy to see her and dinner was just like before. I took her off to the tree where the box with her books sat. Well, boxes.

“What’s this?” She crouched down on her knees. I knelt next to her.

“Your gift, open it.” She bit her lip and started tearing the wrapping paper. My heart beat faster in anticipation. I hoped she really wanted them. See, sometimes she says things that she doesn’t really mean.

“Oh my…is this…” she opened up the box, then moved to the next one.

Then she relentlessly started peeling out the books one by one.

“It is! Oh, Dillon!” she pulled me into a tight embrace. I mean really tight, her body pressed against mine until we fell onto the floor.

“It’s every James Patterson book.” She breathed.

“Yeah,” I chuckled, “so far.” I smiled. She kissed my cheek and released me, going back to the books.

I watched her, smiling wide as she examined all the books. I managed to get them all in hardback, her favorite. It was…worth everything, seeing her this happy.

“Wow, these must have cost a fortune.” She sighed, looking at me with the same look she always gets when I buy her something.

“It’s no big deal.” I said. Gesturing to the marble floors and multi-million-dollar house we were currently in.

“Thank you. This means so much. You’re the best,” she hugged me again, “I love you.” I sighed. She didn’t mean it like I meant it. We did say it, but it was never said often. I think the last time was…when Pops died four years ago.

“I love you too.” But I meant it in a very different way.