Chapter Eleven

PAIGE

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I couldn’t believe how great Jay was being about everything. I was still embarrassed about what happened but he was acting like it wasn’t a big deal, and thankfully things weren’t weird between us.

After showering I found the toothbrush he’d been talking about, and was a little surprised to see there were seven new packages sitting on the shelf.

When I stepped out of the shower I realized I didn’t have any spare clothes to wear. My jeans and shirt were clean enough, but I distinctly remembered spilling at least one of my drinks on me last night so my clothes probably smelled like a bar rag. My tank top definitely had to go, it wasn’t exactly dirty but it didn’t smell great, and I desperately hoped Jay hadn’t noticed.

“Jay?” I peeked my head out of the bathroom. I could hear water running in the kitchen and realized he’d never hear me. I left the warm sanctuary of the bathroom, shivering as the cold air hit my still damp skin, and plodded over to the kitchen with a towel wrapped around my body.

I found him at the sink filling a water jug. Almost immediately I was hit with the mouth-watering smell of bacon and fried potatoes. “Jay?”

“Yeah?” His eyes swept over me as he glanced over his shoulder and I shivered for an entirely different reason as he licked his bottom lip and his gaze darkened slightly.

“Could I borrow something to wear? I’m afraid my clothes might smell like bad decisions.”

“There was the distinct scent of a vineyard wafting after you.” He grinned and nodded to the door. “Wear whatever you want.”

I made my way into his room and started pulling open his drawers, looking for something I could wear. His drawers were a little messy and unorganized, and for some reason that made me smile. I spent so much time and effort making sure everything was exactly where it should be and looking as neat as possible I’d almost forgotten that’s not how everyone lived.

Jay was so much more open and carefree than I was. I overcompensated and tried to control everything around me to make me feel like I had some sort of real control over my life and what happened, but it was all an illusion. Messy drawers weren’t the end of the world. A pile of laundry in the corner wasn’t going to set a tailspin of terrible things in motion. Wasting my time trying to create a false sense of security was stupid and pointless. It didn’t really make me feel better in the long run and wasn’t really helping me in the short term. I should really take a page out of Jay’s book and learn to just go with the flow more.

I pulled out a t-shirt with the poster for the first Harry Potter movie on it and grinned as I slipped it over my head. Jay really was a nerd, and I loved that about him.

With him being almost a foot taller than me the shirt hung so low it brushed the tops of my knees. I knew I’d never be able to wear a pair of his sweatpants so I pulled a clean pair of boxers out of his drawer and slipped them on. They were a little loose in the waist but they would stay up so I didn’t have to worry about going commando.

I took a moment to run my fingers through my damp hair and then went to put the towel away before joining him in the kitchen.

“Jax is out?”

“Apparently.”

“You don’t tell each other when you’re not going to be home?”

“We do if one of us needs the apartment.” Jay motioned for me to sit at the table and then brought over a huge mug of coffee.

“You are a god among men.” I sighed and wrapped my hands around the warm ceramic. “Oh my god that’s good.” I almost moaned after taking a sip of the sweet coffee, he remembered how I took it.

“You and that coffee need a moment alone?” He grinned as he brought over his own coffee, a bottle of water for me and then went back to get our plates.

“You don’t have to go through this much trouble for me, really.” I felt guilty he was being so kind.

“You mean feed you?” He put a play with a few strips of bacon, two pieces of buttered toast, scrambled eggs and potatoes in front of me and I almost started drooling. “I guess I could have always just made my own breakfast and let you starve, that would have been the polite thing to do.”

I laughed and picked up my fork, more than ready to dive into the meal.

“I served a lot so if you don’t eat it that’s fine. If you want seconds there’s more.” He took a sip of his coffee and smiled as I took a huge bite of the eggs.

“This is amazing. Thanks.”

“You know, you look pretty hot in my clothes.”

“You think?” I blushed and shoved a piece of bacon in my mouth.

“There’s nothing sexier than a chick wearing your clothes, even if they look like a tent on her.”

I laughed and wiped my mouth with the napkin he’d set out. “Do I want to know why you have a collection of new toothbrushes in your bathroom?”

“Jax stocks them for the chicks he brings over, so they have something to use in the morning.”

“Not you?”

“I don’t usually bring chicks here, and when I did they weren’t around in the morning.”

“Oh, so sleeping with someone isn’t usual for you?” My stomach fluttered at the thought that I could be special to him and he’d wanted to sleep with me. But there was also that whole part about showing up here drunk a few hours away from dawn that could have prompted his letting me sleep in his bed.

“Not at all.” He shook his head and shovelled some eggs and bacon into his mouth. “I don’t like being crowded when I sleep so I tend to sleep alone unless there’s a really big bed where I can have my own space before I leave.”

“Oh, it must have been really rough for you last night.”

Jay had a double bed but I was pretty sure he hadn’t gotten much space. I’d definitely woken up playing human pretzel with him so I assumed we’d spent at least part of the night like that. 

“It wasn’t,” he assured me. “Last night was great. It’s the first time I’ve wanted to sleep cuddled up to someone. It was nice.”

I flushed and took a sip of my coffee so I didn’t say something stupid, or inappropriate like how much l loved him.

“Was it okay for you?” he asked casually after a few minutes of silence had passed between us.

“Sleeping with you?”

He nodded, looking uncertain and a little self-conscious.

“It was wonderful,” I said honestly. “I’ve only ever slept with girls before.”

His eyes widened almost comically as he choked on the sip of coffee he’d just taken, and it was then I realized what I’d said.

“Not like that.” I shook my head, blushing so deep my ears burned. “I meant like sleepovers with friends. Jules and I crash together all the time when one of us is feeling down or we’re drunk. But to spend the night with someone I’ve been with, I’ve never done that before.”

He smiled, relief washing over his face as he picked up his coffee again.

We ate our food in relative silence. It was amazing and I was starving so the only sounds were the scratch of cutlery on plates until I was so stuffed I couldn’t eat another bite.

“Do you remember why you were so upset?” he asked after I’d put my empty coffee cup down.

“Yeah, I don’t remember what I told you or how much of it, but I know why.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really.” I put my fork down and looked into my coffee cup. “But I guess we should.”

“I think we need to.”

“I’m not the most confident person.” I sighed and picked up my napkin so I had something to play with. “I feel inadequate a lot of the time, and I can be jealous.”

“Of...” he prompted when I paused.

“Girls who are prettier than me. Girls who are more confident or seem to have it all together. Mel is as alpha girl as it gets and when she was talking about you...”

“Is it Mel specifically, or is there a reason you feel so insecure compared to her? Jules is pretty close to her physically but you’re closer than sisters.”

“I was bullied, mercilessly, by a group of girls in high school. They humiliated me, physically attacked me and did everything they could to make me miserable.”

“I’m sorry, no one should ever have to deal with that. What started it?”

“I don’t know, exactly. I was always a nerd. I studied, I didn’t party and I was a perpetual teacher’s pet. I guess I was an easy target because I was so quiet and never fought back.”

“And Mel reminds you of them?”

“She reminds me of the ringleader, Lizzie. She hated me. I honestly wish I knew why but she seemed to be behind everything. The rumors they spread about me, the things they did...”

“Paige?”

“I wasn’t allowed to date when I was in school, my parents wanted me to focus on grades and volunteering. I had a crush on this guy in our class and it was painfully obvious. I could barely be in the same hallway as him without tripping or turning red. In junior year he started talking to me, being nice to me. I thought he liked me and we kind of dated in secret for a few months.”

“Like you kept it a secret from your parents?”

“From everyone. He was popular and I wasn’t. He said it would be easier if we just kept things out of school, and like a lovesick idiot I believed him.”

“What happened?”

I paused, blinking back the tears that were threatening to fall.

“Paige?” He stood and came around the table to take my hand. I let him pull me up and lead me into the living room so we could sit on the couch together. He folded me in his arms, and as soon as I heard his heartbeat next to my ear I calmed down enough to tell him the rest, or at least most of it.

“It was all a game to them. He was supposed to get me to go out with him, take my virginity and then give Lizzie some pictures of me...”

“Please, tell me he didn’t do any of that to you.”

“He did it all. I had sex with him, he convinced me to send him pictures and he passed them to Lizzie, and she showed all of her friends.”

“So that asshat is the other guy you slept with?”

“Yeah. Apparently it was supposed to only be a one time thing, just enough to deflower me, but the lure of having a naïve loser willing to do anything to please him was too strong and he strung me along for almost two months. Then he got bored with me and after the pictures were circulated he and Lizzie started dating.”

I bit my lip and stopped the story there. I couldn’t tell him the rest. I trusted him more than anyone, but I couldn’t tell him the truth or he’d hate me.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that. That guy is a giant douche canoe, and I hope he and this Lizzie bitch get what’s coming to them.”

“It was hard. The betrayal was bad enough, to know that fucking me was literally a game to him when I thought there was something there...but it was the picture that was the worst. Everyone at school laughed at me, pointed and stared...I’d only been naked in front of one person but suddenly everyone knew what I looked like without my clothes on, when I was vulnerable. I felt so violated and there was nothing I could do to stop it.”

“I’m so sorry, sweetheart.” He kissed my temple and held me closer. “Did they eventually stop?”

“Eventually, but it got a lot worse first. I was underage so when the school found out about it they had to call the police. They ‘investigated’ it and then I was that girl.”

“Were any charges laid?”

“No. They basically told me I shouldn’t have been dumb enough to send it and then told the students to delete the picture otherwise there could be consequences.”

“Why does that sound like the worst thing they could have done?”

“Because it was. It made it infamous and everyone wanted to see it and it kept making the rounds.” I blinked back my tears and pulled in a shaky breath. I was done crying over what had happened. It was done, over, and I’d moved across the country to start over again. I wasn’t going to let it control how I felt anymore.

“So Mel reminds you of this Lizzie chick?”

“A little. It was the way she came at me yesterday. She kept hounding me about you, then asking if she could make a move on you since we were ‘just friends’. When we started talking about sex stuff she kept targeting me, like she wanted to make me uncomfortable. All of that brought back what Lizzie did to me and then she talked about taking you away and all I could think about was how she’s prettier than me, how she’s so much more experienced and—”

“Don’t even think like that.” Jay gave me a squeeze and cut me off. “I told you, I don’t mess around with more than one person. Right now I’m with you, in whatever this is, and Mel or anyone else can make all the moves they want, I’m not interested.”

“I know, and I trust you. I think it was partly because I didn’t know her and she seemed to be coming at me. I was feeling vulnerable and I projected everything from before onto you and her. I know Mel’s not a bad person, and I don’t even think she was being that bad to me, I overreacted.”

“From stress?” He shifted and grinned down at me.

“I’m under a lot of stress.” I smiled, hoping we were talking about the same thing.

“I’m under a lot of stress too.” He licked his bottom lip as he swept his eyes over me. “What do you say we have a little stress relieving session, then binge watch The Walking Dead for the rest of the day and forget about everything? Just you, me, Netflix and the couch.”

“I like the way your mind works.”

“You know what the only thing sexier than seeing you in my clothes would be?” he asked, bending his head to give me a soft kiss before I could answer.

“What?”

“Seeing you laid out on my bed, moaning and screaming for me in them.”

“God you’re good at that.”

“What, talking dirty or making you moan and scream?”

“Both.”

“Then what the fuck are we waiting for?” he asked, standing up and looking down at me with naked lust in his eyes.

“I have no idea.” I was about to swing my legs over the side of the couch so I could stand up, but Jay surprised me. He reached down and picked me up, cradling me to his chest as he walked us over to his bedroom.

As he moved I lay my head on his strong shoulder and sighed contentedly. I felt so much better now that I’d told Jay about what had happened to me in school. I knew I should have told him the whole story, but I couldn’t risk it.

I was so in love with him it bordered on ridiculous, there was no way I could handle losing him. I knew I’d have to eventually tell him, but hopefully I could hold off until after he’d fallen in love with me too, if he ever did.