Chapter Twelve

JAY

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After spending Sunday snuggled up on the couch watching seasons one and two of The Walking Dead with Paige, I knew I was in trouble.

While it was true we’d had sex twice and spent a good part of season two making out and not paying attention to what was going on at the farm, it was the familiarity and intimacy that really meant something to me.

Sex was awesome and sex with Paige was the best I’d ever had, but holding her in my arms as we cuddled under a blanket, having her fall asleep against me for almost an hour as I held her meant so much more.

I was completely and utterly in love with her, but I was scared.

Paige wasn’t Jessie, they might look alike, but personality wise they were as different as night and day. I wasn’t worried about Paige hurting me the way Jessie had, but I worried that she’d get bored with me or realize she deserved better.

Paige was everything I wasn’t. She accepted my past and she encouraged me to be myself. She didn’t care about superficial things and she trusted me, that was a new feeling.

I was used to being treated like a bad boy or a good lay. I’d been perfectly happy to let people think I didn’t have depth and hide my true nature behind cocky arrogance and a playboy attitude. I’d thought sex was all I wanted in my life and being vulnerable was the worst thing I could do because people will always let you down and hurt you.

I knew being orphaned so young had led to some abandonment issues. I hadn’t needed to read that chapter in my psych text to know it had contributed to why I was so reluctant to let people in and open up.

Jax and I had always had each other, and then Logan and his parents, and then Matt. For almost three years after we were adopted I’d been terrified that the Robsons would abandon us too. Every time they went out I’d been in knots waiting for them to come home, convinced they would die and we’d be left alone again.

I’d also been scared they would change their minds and not want us anymore if we did something wrong.

Jax had been combative and a little bit of a dick when we’d been kids, testing our new family, almost daring them to give up on us and prove that we were unlovable. I’d been the opposite. I’d done everything I could to be perfect and had spent years making myself sick because I was so stressed.

One night our parents had been half an hour late coming home from a dinner with friends. Jax and Logan had thought it was great because they could stay up late and play video games. I’d had a panic attack and Logan had called an ambulance because he’d been so scared.

When my parents had come home and found me in the back of an ambulance hyperventilating they’d been so freaked out. Mom had jumped in with me and told off the paramedic who’d told her she needed to give me space so they could treat me.

She’d held me all the way to the hospital and then sat with me for hours as the doctors made sure there was nothing physically wrong with me. After a lot of coaxing I’d told her the truth about my fears and she’d been incredible. She’d climbed into my hospital bed and held me while I cried, then told me that I was her son and she loved Jax and I just as much as Logan. She would never give up on either of us and we would always be family.

That’s when I’d started to relax and be myself. I’d gotten in trouble, I’d had selfish tantrums and been a dick every once and awhile, but my family never loved me any less. I’d grown out my hair, started wearing black and gotten my first tattoo as soon as I was legally allowed. I might look different from the rest of the family, but they were nothing but supportive.

It had taken me years to accept that my family would never abandon me, and then the first girl I’d ever let in had shattered my heart and I’d convinced myself I didn’t need anyone else. All I wanted was sex and teasing, and then Paige had happened.

I wanted everything with her. I wanted to fall asleep with her every night, wake up to her smile every morning and share everything with her. I wanted what my parents had, what Matt and Avery had, but I didn’t know if she could ever feel the same way about me.

“Dude.”

I jumped as Jax sat on the couch, the cushions dipping as he settled next to me.

“You okay?” He smirked as I looked over at him.

“Yeah. Was just thinking.”

“You’ve been out of it for the past few days, what’s up?”

I looked at Jax and sighed.

“Does it have anything to do with Paige?”

I sighed again and looked at my hands.

“So it has everything to do with Paige,” he said knowingly.

“Yeah.”

“And how you’re too much of a tool to tell her you love her?”

I looked up sharply and wanted to wipe the smirk off Jax’s face with my fist.

“Any dumbass can see it. The way you look at each other is even more lovey dovey than Matt and Avery. I know you, Jay, and I know you love this girl.”

“I do. I love her.”

It was the first time I’d said the words out loud and it was as though that action cemented them as truth. I loved Paige and needed her in a way I never thought I’d need anyone.

“So what’s stopping you? Are you afraid she doesn’t feel the same way?”

“Partly.”

“Well, you have nothing to worry about.” He grinned and patted my knee. “I’ve seen the way she looks at you. When I came home on Sunday and found you two snoodled up under the blanket it was obvious this was more than just a fling, and she looks at you the same way you look at her.”

“You think?”

“I’d have to be blind to not see it.”

I paused and bit my lip ring.

“What else is there?” he asked gently. “What’s really holding you back?”

“I’m afraid.”

“Of losing her?”

“Yeah.”

“I get that.” He sighed and leaned back against the cushions of the couch. “Are you afraid of her walking away, or her dying?”

“Dying. How fucked up is that?”

“After what we’ve been through? Not fucked up at all.”

“You were never afraid of Mom and Dad dying every time they left the house. I’m twenty-one years old and I’m scared my sort of girlfriend is going to die and leave me alone. That’s not normal.”

“No, but it’s understandable. I wasn’t afraid of them dying, I was afraid of them sending us away. It’s why I acted out the way I did. After I realized they were serious about being a family I relaxed about that, but I still have fears.”

“About losing them?”

“About losing everyone.”

Jax and I may be twins and share pretty much every aspect of our lives with each other, but he’d never told me that before.

“Jax?”

“I don’t worry about people dying on me, I worry about them walking away. Like if I was to truly open up and trust someone they’d leave me because I’m unlovable.”

“That’s stupid,” I said softly. My words might have been harsh but my tone took the sting out of them.

He laughed ruefully. “I know, but I can’t shake it. You have to love me because we’re kind of stuck with each other, but everyone else isn’t a part of me the way you are. What’s to stop them from seeing how fucked up I am?”

“I guess we both have issues.” I sighed and glanced at him. “What’s been up with you? You’re out all the time. More than before.”

“I’m kind of trying to figure some shit out.”

“Life shit?”

“Yeah.”

“You ready to talk about it?”

“Not really. It’s nothing serious.”

“Well, if you need an ear, you know where I am.”

“I know.” He grinned and slapped me on the back. “How about you sort your own shit out and then try to help me with mine.”

“Deal.” I laughed and shook my head. “And you’re a dick.”

“So are you.” He nodded to the TV. “How about I beat your ass at Modern Warfare while you pine for your girl? It’s always fun to kick you while you’re down.”

“Fuck off.”

He smirked and I chuckled as I stood up to get the controllers and remote. Maybe Jax was right. Maybe I should be honest with Paige. I couldn’t control what might or might not happen to her, but I could tell her how I felt and see if she reciprocated at all.

* * * * *

“Tell me a secret,” Paige said softly as she took my hand in hers and laced our fingers together.

We were laying in my bed after a particularly satisfying sex session and I was enjoying having her in my arms.

“My only girlfriend broke my heart.”

I had no idea why that came out. I’d opened my mouth to tell her something teasing and dirty, and fake, but that truth had tumbled out of me before I could even think of it.

“What happened?” There was no judgement in her voice and she sounded genuinely interested.

“I met Jessie in school. She was one of the popular girls and I was kind of in between groups. I was a mathlete but was still friendly with other groups. I didn’t really fit in anywhere but I wasn’t an outcast if that makes sense.”

“It does.”

“Anyway, she was the first girl to really pay attention to me, show interest. I was a bit of a late developer.”

“Really?” She looked up at me.

“Yeah. I didn’t hit my growth spurt until I was fifteen, and it didn’t help that Jax hit his almost a year before I did so we looked more like I was his younger brother than his twin. That’s when I started running, I thought I could at least get strong if I was never going to get taller. It made me self-conscious, so I get what you mean when you said that’s how you felt.”

“I never would have guessed. That must have been really hard.”

“It was. But eventually I caught up and Jessie and I started dating. I really liked her and I opened up to her in a way I never thought I could. I told her everything, was completely honest with her and thought she was doing the same with me.”

“But she wasn’t?”

“No. I was with her for almost a year, and she started cheating on me three weeks after we got together.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“She was using me as a decoy of sorts. She brought me home to her parents, had me killing myself to make her happy and do whatever I could, including her math and science homework and projects, and she was fucking around with a married man.”

“Oh, Jay, that’s horrible.”

“I had no idea, I never even suspected it. Her friends had helped her cover her tracks, lying for her. Matt saw her with him and when he told me I went through her phone to see if it could be true. It was true.”

“I can’t imagine how hurtful it would be to be used like that.” She rolled on top of me a bit more so her chin was on my chest and she could look into my eyes. “I can’t imagine ever doing that to someone, especially not someone like you.”

“Me either.” I sighed and pushed a lock of hair off her cheek and tucked it behind her ear with my free hand. “After her I kind of shut down and had a really hard time trusting anyone who wasn’t family.”

“That’s understandable. But you trusted me.”

“I did.” I smiled, biting my tongue before I told her it was because I loved her.

“I’m glad you did.” Her eyes were almost sparkling as she looked down at me, and I was hit with a wave of emotion.

“Me too, and I’m glad you trusted me after what you went through.”

“Me too.”

“Paige, will you stay here tonight?”

I was feeling vulnerable and emotionally spent. I needed to hold her, to share my bed with her again when there was no alcohol involved.

“Of course.” She leaned down and gave me another kiss. “I’d love to.”

My heart constricted when she said ‘love’. Was Jax right? Did she love me, or was it just a random choice of words? I was too chicken shit to say anything to her so I just smiled and leaned up to give her a deep kiss. I might not be able to use my words to tell her how I felt, but at least I could tell her with my body.

She sighed against my kiss and wrapped her arms around me as she kissed me back. The thought of losing her terrified me, but at that moment I knew it was worth the risk to have her in my life and be able to share this with her without any omission or deception between us.

Now I just had to find the balls to tell her I was in love with her.

––––––––

PAIGE

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“Damn it all to hell,” I muttered as I searched my desk for the scrap of paper I was looking for.

My major project for one of my journalism classes was due tomorrow and I’d misplaced the piece of paper with all my citations jotted onto it.

I felt like I was a second away from snapping. I really wasn’t enjoying these courses and with every assignment my stress levels were going up and my confidence was going down. I didn’t have a natural talent for writing and what sounded great in my head never translated on paper. I was managing to keep my grades up, but it was by the skin of my teeth and I didn’t think my luck would hold out for much longer.

I was just about to crawl under my desk to see if the paper had fallen when my phone rang.

“Hello?” I answered distractedly, not even bothering to glance at the ID screen as I hit the speaker button.

“Paige?”

“Alex?” I perked up and abandoned my search for my paper. “Hey, how are you doing?”

“Am I on speaker? You sound like you’re in a tunnel.”

“One second.” I picked up the phone and took him off speaker before leaning back in my chair. “Better?”

“Yeah.”

“So, how are you doing?”

“Not too bad. I didn’t hear from you this week so maybe I should be asking you how you’re doing.”

I sighed and bit my lip. I’d been so wrapped up in school and whatever was going on with Jay I’d forgotten to call him for our weekly chat. I hadn’t even texted him in days and that wasn’t like me.

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m not trying to guilt you, I know you have a life. I’m worried about you.”

“I’m just stressed out.”

“School, or your non-boyfriend?”

“Ugh, if everyone could stop calling him that, that would be awesome.”

“Not happening until you admit what’s really going on. Now which is it?”

“Both.”

“Why don’t we start with school? I don’t have much experience with either but I’ll try to help.”

“These journalism classes are killing me. I have an article due tomorrow and I can’t seem to finish it.”

“What’s it on?”

“We’re supposed to pick a court ruling, one that set the precedent of a law and discuss it from both angles by comparing it to past and near present cases.”

“Yeah, I can’t help you with that.”

“I know.” I sighed. “I just can’t seem to get what I want to say on the paper.”

“And this is for one of your classes?”

“Yeah. I have another project due in two weeks for another one, then two days after that for the other, plus midterms and then another huge project for each and then finals.”

“Wow. Do you think you can handle it?”

“I don’t have a choice. These are mandatory classes and if I can’t pull them off then what hope in hell do I have to get into law school?”

“When did you decide you wanted to be a lawyer? Was it before or after Mom and Dad tore you a new one for dashing their dreams of having a doctor in the family?” he asked bluntly.

“What?”

“You’ve never been interested in law, I’ve never once heard you talk about wanting to do it, just that you have to. You obviously hate journalism, but you’re killing yourself to keep in the program because it’s what Mom and Dad decided was best for you to take. Why are you still doing everything they tell you?”

“You know why.” I bit my lip and tried to keep my voice steady, tried and failed.

“I’ve watched them do this to you your entire life. When you were in high school it wasn’t so bad because you loved to learn and you wanted to take AP classes and do extra credit. Now you’re in college and you’re still blindly doing what they say even though I can hear that you hate it.”

“I don’t have a choice.”

“Yes, you do,” he insisted. “Mom and Dad had a dream when they had us. We were going to be something they could brag about to show all their professional friends how their kids were better than everyone else’s kids. Then they found out I was sick so everything dropped onto you. It’s not fair and you can’t keep killing yourself trying to make up for me being defective.”

“Alex—”

“Neither one of us is ever going to be good enough. Say you do finish your degree and you kick ass on the LSAT and get into law school, then what? You’ll bust your ass for years just to do what they want you to do. You know it’ll never be enough. You won’t make partner soon enough, you’ll go into the wrong branch or you won’t get into a good enough firm. You’re going to spend your life trying to reach their impossible standards and you’re never going to be happy.”

I just sat there as he talked. Alex and I were close and we didn’t hold back, but he’d never said any of this to me before, not all at once and so bluntly.

“I’m sorry all this shit got put on you, but I’d rather see you happy and not waste your life trying to make them happy when we both know that’ll never happen.”

“I just hate disappointing them.”

“Can I be brutally honest with you?”

“You haven’t been?”

“Not completely.”

“Then please, be brutal.”

“No matter what either of us does they’ll always be disappointed in us. We’re not the kids they wanted, we’re the ones they got stuck with. I don’t think they’ve ever been proud of either of us. We’ve always fallen short somehow.”

“You’re not wrong.” I sighed and moved over to my bed. I didn’t want to even look at my article anymore.

“Look, I’m not trying to shatter you, and I know you don’t quit once you’ve started something, but think about it. You have to live your life for you.”

“I know. Have you thought about my offer?”

“Are you sure it’s even feasible?”

“I wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t think it was.”

“I don’t want to be a burden.”

“I’d never think of you as a burden,” I argued. “I want you to come live with me this summer.”

“I’ve never really considered leaving.”

“I know, but I think you need to. Just a few months away to experience something different. We’ll get to hang out, spend time together, just the two of us like we used to.”

“You’re making it really hard to say no.”

“Then don’t say no. Say you’ll move here in the summer and we’ll both start our own lives.”

“So you’re going to tell Mom and Dad you don’t want to be a lawyer?”

“Yeah. I’ll deal with the fallout. You’re right. I’m killing myself trying to be what they want and they’ll never be happy. I have one life, I should be living it for me.”

“That’s my girl.”

“And you need to start doing the same.

“I will. But maybe we can keep my plans a secret until closer to the summer. I still have to live with them.”

“Deal.”

“And now, tell me about your non-boyfriend.”

I rolled my eyes, aware he couldn’t see me. “He’s fine.”

“You still hopelessly in love with him but too scared to say it?”

“Yup.”

“Ever think you’ll get past it?”

“Not likely.”

“What about trusting him? Have you told him?”

“Not yet.”

“Paige. I know you think telling him will drive him away, but maybe that’s a good thing.”

“What?”

“If he can’t accept your past, all of it, then he doesn’t deserve you. If that makes him walk away from you then I say good riddance because he obviously wasn’t worth your time.”

“Damn, Alex. That’s a lot of crap to dump on me.”

“Am I wrong about any of it?”

“None of it.”

“So, then it’s good you have me.” He laughed and I had to laugh with him.

“Very true. Listen, I have to go. I need to finish this damn thing so I can go to bed.”

“Okay, call me in a few days.”

“Will do. And thanks, Alex.”

“Of course. I love you Paige, you’re more than just my baby sister. Most days you’re my only friend.”

“I love you too, and you’re my best friend.”

“I have to go before you make me bawl like a bitch. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Bye.”

I ended the call and sighed as I stared at my phone. I would call my parents in a few days and tell them about my decision. I had to do it soon otherwise I would chicken out, but right now I needed to finish this stupid article so I didn’t lose my scholarship.

* * * * *

I sat on my bed nervously staring at my phone.

I’d put off calling my parents for almost a week. I’d tried to ignore Alex’s voice in my head and focus on what I could control. I finished my article and handed it in. I’d worked until almost three in the morning the night before it was due and I was really happy with what I’d managed to do, so that was one worry off my plate. I’d started the next big project and was feeling pretty good about being able to finish this semester.

Things with Jay were great. We were still in that weird place where we refused to put a title on things, and while it felt like they were getting more and more serious, I was afraid to say anything in case it drove him away.

Jules and I were starting to hang out with Avery and Mel more, and I’d gotten over my initial reaction to Mel. She was brash and brazen and full of piss and vinegar, but that was just her personality. I had to learn to stop taking things so personally and just accept who she was. Once I realized that she was actually a really great person I could see being close friends with both her and Avery.

The four of us were making plans to hang out over spring break and doing a girls weekend since we were all broke and would most likely have work to do. The guys were eager to fill in the rest of our time off with silly activities.

For the first time in my life I had a group of friends and I was happy.

I knew what I wanted to do with my life and I felt good as I planned and prepared to make it happen, but I was dreading telling my parents about it.

After counting to ten I tapped on their contact info and waited as the phone began ringing.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Mom.”

“Paige?”

“Yeah, it’s me.” I rolled my eyes. How many other girls called her ‘mom’?

“You’re father and I are on our way out, can you call back on Sunday?”

“I really need to talk to you now.” I had to get this over with. I couldn’t spend any more time agonizing over this phone call.

“You have five minutes.” Her voice was a little clipped and I could tell she wasn’t happy with me.

“Can you get Dad on the line too? You both should hear this.”

I heard her pull the phone away and call for my dad. Ten seconds later his voice came over the line.

“Paige?”

“Hi, Dad.”

“What have you done now?” he asked in an exasperated voice.

“What?”

“You’re calling us on a Thursday night. You either need money or us to bail you out of something.”

“I don’t need anything. I just want to talk to you.”

“And this couldn’t wait until your scheduled call on Sunday?”

“No. I have to tell you now.”

“Well, what is it?” Mom cut in, her voice a little distant.

“I’m not going to law school and I’m switching programs next year,” I said in a rush and then held my breath.

The silence on the other end of the phone was deafening.

“What?” My dad’s voice finally cut through the silence, and by the tone I almost wished he’d just hung up and ended things there. He sounded as though he was somewhere between rage and incredulous.

“I don’t want to be a lawyer. I was only going along with things because I know it’s what you wanted for me, but it’s not what I want.”

“After all the work we put into this, all the sacrifices—”

“I’m sorry. I know this has meant a lot to you, but I’ve never wanted to go to law school. It’s not what I’m interested in.” I cut my mom off, trying to get the point across to them that I was doing this for me, not in spite of them.

“And what will you be taking now that you’ve decided to change every plan that was ever made for you?” Dad asked, his voice icy.

“Social work. I want to help people, especially ones who are in the same position I was in when I—”

“We’ve told you not to talk about that in front of us,” Mom snapped. “That was a part of our lives we’d like to erase and you need to forget about it.”

“I can’t, ever. I’ll never be able to forget about it and I want to be able to help someone who has to deal with it, to give them support and hope—”

“We don’t have time for this.” Dad’s voice had gone from icy to dripping with anger. “You’re not doing anything. You’ll finish your degree and go to law school like we planned.”

“No, I’m not—”

“Yes, you will.”

“Dad—”

“If you even think of doing any of this foolishness then you’re cut off. We’re not going to pay a cent more for school and you’re not welcome home.”

“You’re going to disown me for changing my major?”

“For destroying this family, again.”

“Dad—”

“Paige, we’ve done everything we can to prepare you and give you everything you need to succeed. You’re throwing all that away on a whim and we’re not going to encourage it. You didn’t want to go to Brown like your mother and I and now you don’t want to follow the plan? Fine. We’re done. You can stay there until you graduate, load yourself down with loans and struggle if you go through with this. You can come home for special occasions and short holidays to see your brother, but when you fail, and you will, you’re not welcome back here. We’re done supporting you and your mistakes.”

“Daddy, please—”

“Goodbye, Paige. We have to go.”

The phone went dead in my ear and I bit back a sob.

I’d known they were going to freak out, but I’d never thought they’d completely cut me off. I also never expected them to automatically think I’d fail if I tried to do something on my own. Their complete lack of support and faith in me was devastating, and I hated how I wasn’t even that surprised.

At least I had a plan. I would put that phone call behind me and do everything I could to prove them wrong. I might have fucked up in the past, but I was finally taking control of my life and doing what was best for me. It was time to live my life.

* * * * *

The grades for our articles were posted at nine the next morning, just in time for class. I’d spent most of the night tossing and turning as I tried to figure everything out, so I’d been late getting up and had to rush to school without checking my grade. As long as I kept it above a B then I’d be fine, and I was pretty confident I’d done well enough to get at least a B+.

As soon as I was settled at my desk I booted up my computer and logged into the school WIFI and then into my student account. It took a moment to navigate to the class page and I pulled up the grades list.

As I scanned down, looking for my student number, I started to feel uneasy. There were a lot of really high grades, but also a lot of low ones.

I found my number about one quarter of the way down the page and my heart sank when I saw my grade.

D-.

I’d never gotten anything below a B in my entire life, and that D- was now twenty percent of my final grade.

My head was spinning as I did the math, trying to figure out what I’d need to get on the rest of the assignments just to keep my average at a B+ to keep my scholarship, and this was only the first major assignment. I still had midterms, another article and then finals.

I was fucked. Unless I could pull off some stellar grades in my other classes I was going to lose my standing on the Dean’s list and my scholarship. That one grade was going to fuck up every plan I had and I didn’t know what to do.

I spent the entire class staring at my computer, trying not to cry and not hearing a word my professor said.

When the class was over there was only one thing I could think to do. I had to go talk to my professor and find out why I’d gotten such a low grade. There had to be a reason. I didn’t get D’s, I was better than that. Smarter than that.

There was only a forty-five minute window where Dr. MacAlistair had office hours and I needed to talk to him, not his TA. I had to get there before anyone else did and try to convince him my grade was a mistake.

As soon as we were dismissed I threw everything I had in my bag and jumped up. I knew I must have looked crazy, dodging and running around people as I raced to the exit and then ran right across campus to get to his office before he did, but I didn’t care. I had to get this sorted out.

I made it to his office in record time and stood by the door, trying to catch my breath as I waited. Office hours didn’t start until twenty minutes after the end of class, but I was the only one there so he’d have to see me as soon as he got there.

“Dr. MacAlistair?” I saw him coming down the hall and stood up straight.

“I don’t have time for office hours today, you’ll have to come back when Joshua is here—”

“I’m sorry, sir. This will only take a minute. I need to talk to you now.”

He sighed warily and nodded. I waited as he unlocked his door and followed him in, closing the door behind me as I did.

“How can I help you?” he asked as he sat behind his oversized and messy desk.

“I need to talk to you about my grade, on the precedent argument essay.”

“I figured a few of you would. Name?” he turned to his computer.

“Paige Davis.”

He scanned a few screens before nodding in my general direction.

“You got a D-.”

“Yes.”

“And you think that’s a problem?”

“Yes, sir. I don’t get D’s, ever. I need to know what I did wrong, how I can fix this—”

Dr. MacAlistair put up his hand and I stopped talking as he clicked a few keys on his computer and looked at his screen.

“I made extensive notes on your article.” He looked up at me. “It wasn’t terrible.”

“It wasn’t terrible? That’s it?” What the hell did that mean?

“Your sources were there, the basic structure was acceptable and the mechanics were fine, but it was lacking.”

“Lacking what?”

“A voice.”

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

“Every journalist has a voice, a spin or a signature they put in their writing. Yours isn’t there. Everything was mechanical and neutral and quite frankly, boring.”

“But you said this was an information article, not an opinion piece—”

“And the information wasn’t presented in an interesting way. It was wordy, convoluted and you were redundant, almost as though you were trying to fill in space to meet the word count.”

I just stared at him, not knowing what to say.

“Ms. Davis, do you want to be a journalist?”

“No, sir.” I sighed. There was no point lying to him.

“Then why did you sign up for my class?”

“Because I thought it would be a good major to get into law school.” I looked at my hands, embarrassed. “But I’ve realized that law is not in my future, and neither is journalism.”

“It’s too late to drop the class without taking a penalty for the semester. What are you going to?”

“Work harder?”

“I’d say that’s a good idea.”

By the way he turned and started rummaging around in his desk I knew the meeting was over. I turned and headed out of his office.

I was in shock. There was nothing I could do about my grade and I was stuck taking the class. I wasn’t a good writer and I couldn’t bullshit or memorise my way through this class. If I continued on this curve I’d lose my scholarship, and without my mom and dad helping me out, I might be forced to drop out of school.

I felt numb as I headed to my next class.

I was failing. I never failed. Everything I’d worked for was falling apart and there was nothing I could do to fix it.

It felt as though the world was falling in around me and the careful balance of organization and control I’d allowed myself to believe I had was crumbling. Everything was spinning out of control and I was going to fail.