I sit in my truck in the parking lot of the motel trying to figure out just how the hell things got so screwed up between Logan and me. We’re too caught up in the task at hand. This is more than just personal for us. It’s darkness reaching into our souls and bringing out the worst to fight off the evilest, vilest of men. It’s the devil blackening our hearts and minds to help us get through the darker times; to cope with the loss and desperation of our actions.
This new battle I’m waging in my head isn’t another version of Cameron versus Logan. It’s not about whether we’re good for each other or bad. There’s no question that Logan and I are meant to leave this world having grown old together and in love. This new battle is about me.
Cameron versus Cameron.
Do I go after a man as mad as I, alone? Do I find some way to bring Logan down to my level, so he understands my state of mind? Or do I try to put this anger behind me? Do I stop beating myself up over something Logan and JoJo and Suzie keep insisting is not my fault?
This is starting to drain me. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep doing this, pretending to be so put together as people fall apart around me when inside, I’m just as broken and beaten down as they are.
I finally get the strength – hell, maybe the courage – to step out of my truck and walk inside the dingy motel room. The room smells like the mustiness has lingered since the day they brought in the awful seventies décor.
I don’t know what compels me but I walk over to the pillows and start punching the hell out of them. Everything that’s built up since we left Houston. The anger inside me doesn’t go away but the stress of tonight certainly simmers.
I throw the pillows off the bed then lean back against the headboard. I roll my head back and take in a deep breath.
“Don’t you dare think beating a couple of pillows senseless is going to suddenly make me less fucking mad at you and turn all this around.”
I jerk my head forward and see Logan standing in the doorway, none too pleased to see me.
“What now, Logan?”
“Just know that whatever happens next depends on your answer. I need you to tell me the truth and if you do, I’ll help you finish this. Otherwise, I’m going back to Houston, packing up my shit, and I’m taking off on my boat so you can do this on your own like you swore. I can’t keep doing this back and forth, Cameron.”
“What do you want?” I can hear the annoyance dripping in my words. “I don’t want to keep fighting with you Logan. I want to fight next to you. So, whatever you want to hear, just spit it out so we can get this fucking call over with.”
“What bet?” He leans against the doorjamb arms folded, legs crossed. One step in either direction will determine if we stay together the rest of the mission or go our separate ways for good. Except I have no clue how to answer him.
“What are you talking about?”
“You said that Brad won a bet. For me. What do you mean.”
Christ. In all the anger and frustration, I never once realized the words – the secret that I held on to so dearly for years – came out. And in anger, no less. My hands rub down my face and I expel a sigh. This was never how I meant to tell Logan, if I ever told him. But even the darkest part of me knows that no matter what, I need Logan by my side until the finish. Even I’m not foolish enough to think that I could do this on my own. I look at Logan but his intense, frozen stare makes me divert my eyes.
“Brad and I met before either one of us met you. We stood there watching you walk through those doors to the training room on that first day and both of us had jaws on the floor. If I remember correctly, there was some drool involved. But in walked this fucking handsome, sexy man with a swimmer’s body and smile that knocked us off our feet. We had to practically clamor our way back to standing. We tried one-upping each other with reasons why we deserved you more.” Tears sting my eyes when I think back to that day. Brad made me laugh harder than I had in a long time. The excuses made were sillier the more we talked. And the more we talked, the more I admired the hell out of the man. “We made a bet. Best three out of five in a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors would get to claim their prize. It took all five games but Brad won. Fair and square and he fucking deserved it too.
“I knew I could never compete with him. He was the best of us all, hands down, but if I had to come second to someone, then I couldn’t be prouder.”
I finally get the courage to look at Logan. It’s impossible to gauge his reaction as he walks in and kicks the door shut. Whatever he decides to do, I’m powerless to go against him. He’s bigger than me, stronger. Whatever he decides, I’m his for the taking.
“Logan, please say something.”
“Give me that fucking number to call. I want to speak to him.”
I hand him the number, my chance with him gone. Once he makes this call, I’m out.
So much shit is racing through my head right now that the only thing I can process is making that stupid phone call. I take the crumpled card from Cameron’s hand and I take out my disposable phone. The phone rings for only a second before I hear the gruff voice answer.
“Is this Logan or Cameron?”
“Where the fuck is Irina, asshole?” I counter, harshly. I’m in no mood to play his games today.
“Answer my question, play nicely, and maybe I’ll tell you.”
“Logan. Where’s Irina?”
“Tsk, tsk, Logan. It’s already a disgusting shame that I have to speak to someone like you when He has clearly made higher plans for me. Speaking to someone of your less than moral ways is –”
“Get off your high horse, Steve. Tell me what you want.”
“I want to rid the world of filth like you, is that so hard to understand?” he bellows out.
“Yeah, actually, it is. Now tell me what I need to do to get Irina back.”
“Tell you what. I’ve got your number. In five hours, I’ll give you a call and send you coordinates.”
I have no time to respond before I hear the phone slam shut.
It takes all I have to not throw the phone against a wall or smash it on the floor. Instead, I toss it on the table.
“What did he –”
“He’ll call back in five hours with instructions. We’ll trace the call then. Right now, you and my husband played a fucking child’s game for me?”
His eyes close as his head swivels forward to his chest. He nods and breathes out his answer, “Yes.”
I need a distraction. I won’t sleep until I know the next step in our plan and I know just how to get it. I eye the man in front of me and I walk slowly until he eyes me warily, cautiously. I feel the pull of his eyes as he drinks me in, but I also see him trying to hold back as he clenches his jaw. My oh my, how the tables have turned in this little game we seem to be playing with each other. All I want is for him to see what he does to me. At the same time, I want to push his buttons. I want to fuck with him almost as much as I want him to fuck me. Or, perhaps, I’ll fuck him. It’s been a long time since I’ve fucked anyone and if I’m going to top anyone, it sure as hell will be Cameron.
“You lost to him.” I stand at the edge of the bed, eyeing him where he sits directly below me.
“Yes.” His whisper is laced with an appetite I want to satisfy. I bite back a groan as he licks his lips.
“You wish you won.”
“Yes.”
“And you’ve kept this a secret for ten years?”
“Yes.”
“Let me tell you something, Cameron.” I bend down, so my face aligns with his, our noses almost touching.
“But –”
“No speaking. I let you have control on that plane. I’ve let you have control over this entire investigation. This is my time. Tell me, when’s the last time you let someone fuck you? Was it your little play thing?” I fist his hair and pull his head back. I nip at the flesh of his neck as he hisses out a no.
“Was it Josh who you let enter you last?” My nose nuzzles his throat before my mouth lightly bites the other side of his neck.”
“Yes,” he replies hurriedly, drawing out the last letter. I push him back against the bed so he’s resting on his arms and I slowly start to strip my clothes. My jeans pool at my feet when I undo the snap and once I kick them and my shoes off, I’m left standing in a pair of navy Calvin Klein boxer briefs. Ones that do nothing to hide my erection.
“Clothes off. Now.”
I bite my lower lip so the laughter building up doesn’t come out in Cameron’s haste to undress. He finally positions himself on the bed, naked, hard, and so fucking ready that my plan of telling him he can’t come goes right out the window.
I crawl on the bed, stopping when I sit on my haunches and my dick is lined up with his.
“You don’t come before me. You don’t speak or make a sound unless you tell me to stop, which I will do. You don’t touch yourself. And with the exception of you holding onto my arms or your legs wrapped around mine, you don’t touch me. Got it?”
His eyes go wide as he nods yes and the smile on his face grows.
“Not a word,” I growl at him.
I lower myself to the bed below me. I place a row of wet kisses along his hipbone, lightly feathering them across the muscles of his lower stomach before moving lower. I purposefully avoid touching his dick as much as I can. I want to screw with him before I screw him, build the anticipation until he bursts. I roll him back so his legs are in the air, kissing the skin alongside his dick until I find his tight hole. I kiss around him as he struggles to keep his composure but stop to put my finger in my mouth, coating it until it’s drenched. I let it play around his anus, almost petting it as he squirms below me. When I insert it, I hear a soft moan blown in relief and I smile to myself. Keeping Cam quiet is going to be a fun challenge.
I add another finger, opening him up effortlessly until I need a third. I hear the slight hiss, I feel him writhe beneath me, but he doesn’t stop me. When my three fingers slide in and out with ease, I reach for the condom I tossed on the bed earlier before I dropped my jeans. I sheath myself then crook my finger. “Sit up and come here.”
When he sits up, I stand tall on my knees and my cock rests just below his mouth. I bend down, pushing his chin up as I capture his lips. I hurry our kiss, aggressively fast and impossibly deep, until I suddenly break free and I shove my dick into his mouth.
“Get it wet, baby. Just like that. Fuck you look so good around my dick.” I close my eyes and let him fuck me with his mouth, coating me just so. “That’s it, Cam. Fuck. I gotta get inside you.”
I pop out of Cam’s mouth, my gaze zoning in on his already swollen lips and the spit trail still attached to my dick.
“Off the bed. Go stand against the wall.” God, the look in his eyes turns me on so much that I can’t look at him. It’s like staring into the sun – bright, big, and blazing. So mesmerizing that instead of this being a quick fuck, it would turn into a full night of passion and seduction if I stared any longer. And we don’t have time for me to get lost in him tonight no matter how much I need to be joined with him.
With his hands spread above his head, braced against the wall, I line my dick up with his ass and move in between his spread legs. One of my hands covers his as his hands wind into a tight fist, trying not to scream out as I work my way inside. My other hand snakes around his waist until I’m wrapped around his dick. I swipe my finger against his wet slit and bring it to my mouth.
“God, you taste so good. I think I’ll need more of this later. Lots more.” I feel him shudder against my chest and I feel a sense of pride that my words alone are starting to unravel this man.
“Hold on, baby.” My mouth finds his earlobe, and I gently nip at it with the final push inside.
I’m definitely not gentle, I’m not kind, and it’s certainly not pretty. This is a fuck driven by passion, lust, and a longing so concentrated, so compulsory, that I forget my rules. I forget that I’m supposed to be in control. That’s he’s supposed to be the quiet little submissive in our game.
With each drive into Cameron’s ass, his fingers curl around mine, more and more until he’s squeezing, holding on for dear life. I want him to pant; I want to feel him quiver beneath me. I want to hear his cries as I fill him more and more.
“I need you to scream, cry out, something. I need to know that you want this. Fuck the rules, Cameron. I need you to tell me how badly you want me to fuck you.”
“I do. I – oh, holy fucking shit – I really do need this. Need you.” He cries out as he pushes against me, and the more he speaks, the more aggressive my fucking becomes. “This ass is yours, Logan. Always has been, always will be. You can do whatever the hell you want to it. Use me as your fuck toy, use me to make you feel good…”
His words may taper off as I start hammering into his ass harder, but his pleas only become louder and less audible as I begin to lose all sense of myself.
He makes me forget the bad.
He makes me forget why we’re here.
And dammit, he makes me want again.
He makes me want that piece of forever I dreamt of so long ago.
Somewhere in my longing, we come apart. I fill his ass as his hand wraps around the one I have on his dick and we come together.
Panting heavily, we try to catch our breath while staying as connected to one another for as long as we can. We should probably clean up. We should probably try to get some rest. But really, I don’t want to leave the comfort of this man because the real world is waiting for us. Our bubble is perfect in this moment. I sigh into Cameron’s back and hug him to me.
Fuck the world for just a few more minutes.
* * *
“I’m just so angry. I tried to focus on that, to let it drive me. But the darkness is crippling, Logan. I let it consume me, use me for its own greed while tossing aside those who really gave a damn about me. Tonight only proved that being alone is a fucking joke. I really don’t want to be.”
I hug Cameron tighter to my body and place a kiss on the exposed skin of his neck as I reassure him that he will never be alone. There are still some things I can’t say out loud, some fears that dwell so deep down that my inner struggle is more than just some stupid fight between what I want and what I think I want. There’s a war going on, and while Cameron has no problem telling me exactly how he feels, I still have reservations.
I can’t tell him that my biggest fear is losing another piece of Brad or that I’ll forget about him completely. He’s been nestled in my heart for so long that it sometimes hurts when I think about another person taking his place. So much that I get ill. Physically sick at the thought of the most important person in my adult life just vanishing forever.
That’s my fear.
I know Cameron will never replace him, but the idea of never being with Cameron again, the thought of never sharing with him what we just did moments ago, also causes my heart to ache. So much that as Cameron drifts off to sleep in my arms, I let my emotions get the best of me and a lone tear rolls down my cheek. Because knowing how Cameron feels isn’t a burden, but a gift. One that for now, I can only admire from afar. A gift that I’ll never get to claim as my own until it’s too late. It’s the sad truth. Dark and cold.
I close my eyes, holding onto the man in front of me for dear life because who knows how long I’ll have him for. I don’t even realize that I let myself succumb to sleep until I hear it.
I bolt out of bed, the ringing of the phone acting as an alarm clock.
“Yeah?”
“Miami, Florida. Be there in ten hours.” The line goes dead and this time I don’t hesitate slamming it onto the bed.
“Goddamnit!” I fist my hair and pull at it. This guy knows exactly how to push my buttons, even the meaningless ones like foiling my plans of tracing his call before I even get the chance to even try.
“What did he say?” I glance over to a half-awake Cameron. At least he got some rest. Lord knows one of us needs to be in the right state of mind when we finally take this fucker down. He rubs his eyes with the palm of his hand as he wakes up.
“Fucker hung up before I could even think of starting a trace. He wants us in Miami by the afternoon.” I look down at my watch and realize that it’s just after six. “By four. Pack up, babe. We’re going to Florida.” I look over to him and the sleepy grin that graces his face has me forgetting about my nerves.
“What?” I cock an eyebrow and stare him down. Now is not the time to distract me. I need to shift all my focus on getting to Florida.
“Nothing,” he replies, still giving me that same dopey smile. I watch him get off the bed until he stands in front of me. He pulls me in for a quick, chaste kiss and heads for the restroom.
“So, you’re just going to walk away and not explain that look on your face?”
Cameron stops at the restroom door and turns his face to me. “You called me babe.” With one last look and a wink, he disappears into the small room.
“Jesus fucking Christ,” I grumble. “The man gets googly eyes for the dumbest shit.”
Of course, inside I’m fucking flying, but I’ll never tell him that.