Three weeks since that pathetic excuse for a being was put down like the rabid mutt he was and I still feel like I need to watch my back. But Steve Allen is dead, his body still in custody as scientists dig away at his rotten soul. Irina made it to the motel and got the call into the FBI in time, and as we were taken to a hospital, unconscious, their local taskforce showed up and was able to take charge of the situation. But we’ll heal. Irina will have surgery to smooth out her face, we’ll move on, and the world will no doubt forget the man called The Judge. Everyone but us.
I still feel like my world is crashing around me, belittling me more and more for the idiot that I am. Except for today. Today, as I wake up, the first thing that I notice is that I slept through the night. The second, the lack of a headache that seems to accompany me lately. But the loneliness and loss hit me harder than usual when the twirl of the ceiling fan carries a hint of the familiar spicy cologne past my nose. I realize that over the last couple of months, I’ve become used to the subtle smells of Cameron’s soap, his conditioner, and even the light spray of cologne he wears. It’s made its way into my life. Instead of craving my usual remedy of vodka or whiskey, the thing that drives me this morning is…determination.
Lindsay and Dan have been coming around the last week until I barked at them to just go away. I ran Cameron off, I ran Grayson and Finn away, and now my family. I can’t take seeing them happy. That little bit of myself that still has hope painfully misses that companionship, the camaraderie of my friends. Of Cameron. And that part kills me the most. The one person who has had my back
The only person who won’t stay away is Levi. We spent all of yesterday talking and while I know what it’s like losing our brother, Levi and Landry’s bond was so much stronger, more intimate, and deeper than that of the sibling one I had. Almost as close as the one Brad and I shared. He can relate to the ache I feel, the one that burrows so painfully into my soul.
I squeeze my eyes shut while clutching my chest. I miss Brad so damn much but Levi had to remind me that my heart will never forget him. He will always hold a special place in it. But Levi also reminded me that our hearts are flexible – they’re made for making room for more than one love. Just because Brad is no longer here doesn’t mean that I’m replacing him, but adding someone special to that sacred space reserved for the few exceptional people in a person’s life.
And he’s right. If I was ever going to let someone in, it’s Cameron. Despite everything we’ve been through, it’s him. I…love him. I love him.
I.
Love.
Cameron.
“Fuck,” I groan into my pillow. I’ve screwed up so much with him when all he did was love me. Me, who was too stupid to get my head out of my ass, to see that I had a good thing going.
No. Great.
He was great. Wonderful. Perfect.
And I ran away on my boat like a coward.
I need to find Cameron. I need to find him and apologize and beg him for forgiveness. No way in hell am I fucking this up for a second…third…dammit, too many times. If he forgives me – if – then I’ll have a lot of groveling to do for the rest of my life.
I sit up and the surprise of vigor buzzing through me is energizing. It takes me no time at all to shower before I’m walking into the kitchen to the smell of bacon frying and coffee brewing. Levi is even up early, unusual for the guy who goes to bed at three every morning.
“Jesus, Levi, did you even go to – Cameron?” I stop when I walk in the kitchen and Cameron is standing over the stove. My heart starts to thump in my chest while my stomach fucking flutters. Actual flurries at the sight of Cameron being domestic in my kitchen, barefoot and all.
“Help them set the table,” he says, unfazed by my wide-eyed, gaping stare. He moves the bacon off the stove and turns the burners off.
I turn in the direction he nods his head and see Grayson and Finn setting dishes on the table while Levi and Lindsay fill glasses full of orange juice. Dan, JoJo, and Suzie’s hands are full of food, placing them on the table. I shake my head clear and instead of helping the welcoming party, I walk to Cameron and drag him out of the room and around the corner until it’s just him and I.
Like we did that first night, I back him into the wall and claim his mouth. This time, there is no alcohol or anger fueling this kiss, there’s no worries casting doubt, and there’s no madman trying to tear us apart. There’s just me, one man telling another how much he loves him. Me laying it all out there for Cameron. Me showing every ounce of how scared I am, how vulnerable I feel, but how happy he makes me.
Our hands frame each other’s face as we spill every ounce of our beings until we’re breathless. I lean my forehead against his as we struggle to catch our breath, holding him as tight as I can as I continue to press him against the wall. Holding him hostage.
I lean down, my lips mere millimeters away from Cameron’s. My eyes flit to his then back down to his swollen lips.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper against his mouth. “I know I fucked up more times than I can count. I know I still have a lot to work through, and I’m not perfect, but this is me. Begging you to forgive me. Begging you to take me back. Begging you to love me and kiss me and –”
Cameron shuts me up, kissing me with such strength and intensity that he nearly knocks me to my knees. But my hands slide down his arms and around his back as I hold on until he pulls away.
“Of course, I love you, you idiot. I’ve loved you since the second you walked through that door all those years ago. I loved you even though I lost you to the best giant lug in a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. I loved you when I shouldn’t have and I’ll love you when you’ll fuck up. Because let’s face it, you will.” I laugh at his confession, but he shushes me. “No interruptions. I will love you no matter what because I just do. But please don’t break my heart again, Logan. We’ve suffered more than our fair share of heartbreak and heartache and I don’t want to go through it again. I want us to love. No more hate and destruction. I just want to live, Logan, and I want to do that with you. Only if you can find some room in your heart for me.”
“I do, Cameron. God, I love you so much and it’s taken me too long to realize that. I can’t promise I’ll be easy to be around but I can promise that no matter what, I will always try. I can give you that if it’s enough.”
“Logan, you giving me you is enough. And I’m sorry too. Things between us might not have been so screwed up if I hadn’t fucked things up either. I think we let a lot of shit influence us these last few months and I just want to start over. Just be us.”
This time Cameron is the one to spin us and around and hold me prisoner against the wall. His mouth captures mine, his hands fist my hair and feather against my chest, and his hips buck into mine until…
“Oh, my God. Do that again, Cameron.” I grab his ass and pull him into me until we’re practically dry humping in my hallway.
“Hey guys, are y’all – oh! Continue making up.” We turn our heads, finding a grinning Lindsay staring us down. “Come to breakfast when y’all are ready.”
She turns around the corner laughing as we hear her telling everyone what she walked into, and I lean my head down and groan into the crook of Cameron’s neck. “I guess that’s our coming out.” I swipe my tongue against his neck and I can feel the shudder run through him.
“Suck it up, Logan,” he says behind a suppressed grin.
“That was the plan,” I grumble while rolling my hips into him again. But instead of taking my hand and dragging me to the bedroom, Cameron whispers a few choice words to get our hard-ons down before he walks me to the table where our friends and family are sitting.
We eat, we laugh, but most importantly, I open myself up again. Cameron and I steal glances; we hold hands under the table like a couple of horny teenagers, our legs touch, and our feet wrap round each other’s. We act like a pair of lovesick fools, because we are.
I never thought that I would allow myself to feel like this again, but sitting here, holding tight onto Cameron, I say a silent prayer to Brad and Josh and wish that what Cameron and I had with them passes to us.
No more holding back; only letting him in.
No more fighting against what’s right but fighting for us.
No more pushing Cameron away when he belongs right here next to me.
No more darkness and destruction; only the light and happiness Cameron brings me.
Only us.
“I got it, I got it. What do you call a fish with no eyes?” Grayson looks around at all of us, laughing to himself. “Fshhh, get it?”
Finn is groaning into his hands, trying not to give in to Grayson’s cheesy joke.
“What? Jameson thought I was the funniest guy in the world when he heard that.”
“Jameson is eight, babe. He thinks farts and boogers are funny.”
Lindsay and Dan are rubbing her belly, rolling their eyes but snickering. Levi only cocks an eyebrow and shakes his head. JoJo and Suzie are the only two laughing it up while doing the dishes. I look to my left and I’m taken aback when Logan is staring at me, a silly grin on his face. But I get the feeling that it’s not because of Gray’s joke, but…me.
I can’t help but think finally. It’s taken me a decade to get him to look at me like this. The circumstances weren’t perfect, far from it, and If I had to do things over again, I would. But as much as I want Brad and Josh back, as much as their presence gone is just as profound as if they were sitting here now, laughing with us, I can’t change what happened.
The only thing we can do is remember. Remember them and what they fought for. And I hope they’re looking down at us, smiling. I hope Brad is laughing at Logan’s googly eyes and I hope Josh is rolling his eyes at me for giving in too easily to the hot as fuck man sitting next to me. I hope they’re both proud of what we’ve done to stop the man responsible for ending their lives too soon. But most of all, I hope for peace. For them, for the families who lost their loved ones, and for us.
I meet Logan’s eyes once more and a content sigh passes through my lips.
We’re finally an us.