I open my eyes and the dull light shining through the window is more than enough to make me groan as I slam them shut. I turn around and instinctively grab for the unslept side of my bed. But my fingers hit cool sheets instead of the usual blankets that cover my bed. I force my eyes open again and it looks like someone slept next to me.
I look around the room and I realize that I’m still at Logan’s, in one of his spare bedrooms. I start to relax and that’s when I really feel the effects of last night’s drinking binge. I don’t know how much I drank but after chugging nearly half a bottle, I blacked out.
The pounding in my head is excruciating and I know I won’t start to feel human again until I get some aspirin in me. And maybe some food. I don’t know what time it is, and I don’t care, because all I want are some greasy breakfast tacos covered in a ton of hot sauce. The perfect hangover food.
I manage to walk to the bathroom, shuffling across the floor like a zombie, and I turn the light on. Again, a growl passes through my parted lips as I dig through the medicine cabinet. I finally find the pills and drink them down with a handful of water. When I look up, that’s when I notice that I’m naked.
“What the fuck?” I look down and I really am stark nude. “Logan?” I yell his name out as much as I can with my throat still dry. I grab a towel, wrap myself up, and go looking for some clothes to put on.
I walk into the living room, looking for anything.
“Why the towel, now? You weren’t so concerned about modesty last night.” I look at the far corner behind the couch of the darkened room, and I spot Logan on the floor. His words run together the more he speaks. I watch him take a drink out of a clear bottle. Absolute. Christ, even when he’s a slobbering drunk, he drives me insane. The way his muscles bulge when he lifts the bottle to his mouth or the way his tattoos dance across his chest when he flexes.
Stop it, Cam. Get some answers. I shake my head, clearing my mind of the daydream I’m so close to losing myself in.
“Logan, I need you to tell me what happened last night.” I spot my boxer briefs to the left of me and slide them on, throwing the towel near the other set of clothes. When I walk over to him, he looks awful, disheveled.
“Of course, you do. And I’m a terrible person. I let you take advantage of me and I used you for that same reason.” I slink down the wall, settling on the floor next to Logan. I close my eyes as his words sink in.
Being in love with a person should be easy, carefree, and fun. Logan is none of those things, at least, not this new Logan. This one is complicated, troubled, and hard. And if he knew how I really felt, I wouldn’t have him in my life. Imagining being with him, any version of him, is something I fantasize about, have fantasized about for most of my adult life. I start to feel a little queasy when I realize that the only time I’ll ever have him, I can’t remember it and he regrets it.
I snatch the bottle from his hands, drinking until my throat burns. Anything to drown out the feelings of guilt Logan planted firmly in my head. Even worse, it doesn’t stop there as he keeps talking.
“I thought I was finally accepting things. I thought I was ready to share my bed. I know it’s only been just over a month but…I’m lonely. I thought because it’s you, that I wouldn’t feel bound to you, and I could just have one night of peace. Of freedom.” He scoffs and takes the bottle back. After a hard drink, he whispers cooly, “Free. I’m not free. I’m still very much chained to the memory of Brad.”
I open my eyes, and freeze. The feeling is sobering and I turn around on the floor, facing him. I’d say my heart was breaking, but Logan has always owned it. Whatever he chooses to do with it, I go along like a willing puppet. He can punish me, berate me, verbally spit down on me and yet, I take it all. Like a glutton for punishment, I’ll always keep coming back, willingly and ready for whatever he wants to give me, no matter how big or small.
I watch Logan brush a hand over his face. “I’m so sorry, Cameron. I shouldn’t have said that. I…” He shakes his head and for the first time in a very long time, I let myself feel a little angry over it all. He can’t even muster a half-assed apology, sober or drunk. I stand, looking around the room for the rest of my clothes. They’re lying near the coffee table in front of the sofa. I’m wobbly as I gather the energy to walk over and put them on.
“Please, don’t come closer.” I beg him with garbled words as I stumble around the table as he ignores me. I put my shirt over my head, the last of my clothes, and hold a hand up. “Stop.”
“Don’t, Cameron.” Logan places the bottle on the table. “Don’t leave, please?” He pleads with me but it’s too late. I need to start thinking of me – what’s best for me, what I need. And while the only thing I want, the only thing I’ll ever want, is him, I can’t live my life for anyone else but me.
“Logan! Leave me alone. I needed you to comfort me, to reassure me that I’m not some big fuck up after yesterday. Not after I let that fucker slip through my hands, twice. You might not need that reassurance but I do. I need…I just need…” Each word gets louder and louder until I’m shouting and he reaches for me.
My voice trails off as he slips an arm around my waist. I stiffen up but I can’t deny that feeling – the warm touch of his hand pressing into my lower back. I hate that at the slightest contact, I’m speechless, all the anger and frustration fading until all I feel is longing. I close my eyes and breathe him in, holding it as I momentarily allow myself to think about him doing something so intimate yet so simple as placing a hand on me. One that I finally remember.
But nothing will change.
I open my eyes and try to step back but Logan tightens his hold on me. “Please, just stay, Cam. I can’t do this alone. I can’t sit here wallowing in my misery anymore. I’m sorry.”
“Logan, I can’t stay here. You make me lose my shit. I’m so much more fucked up than you realize and being around you plays with my head. I can’t just sit back and let you use me when my feelings go much deeper than that.”
He steps back, looking like I just slapped his face. I take that as my cue to leave, grabbing my phone and keys from the small stand by the front door and rush out to my truck.
* * *
“You? And Logan? Together?”
I look up from my seat on the couch in Suzie’s office. Suzie, who’s staring at me with a wide mouth and fairly quiet, for a change.
After showering at my place, I came straight to work when I realized that my usual people were gone. Grayson and Finn took the kids to Disney World for the week and JoJo was with the Feds and HPD trying to work on the phone they found in the alley way when we left. I needed to talk to someone, to vent and get some insight.
“Apparently.”
“Apparently? You don’t remember?” She walks over and takes a seat next to me, bringing over a couple of red velvet cupcakes she baked this morning. I take one and she places the rest on the table. She throws her arm on the back of the sofa, propping her head up with her hand. “Spill, Cameron.”
“Suz, we were drunk. I don’t remember much after hour four.” I take a bite of the cupcake, finally putting some food in me and I moan when the sugar and cake fill my mouth. “Fuck, this is the best thing that’s been in my mouth!”
“Uh huh, don’t get off subject. How do you know something happened?” She swats my hand away when I don’t answer, concentrating more on the food in my hand and not her. “Cam, look. It’s no secret, at least to me, that you’ve got feelings for Logan.”
I drop what’s left of my cupcake in my lap and look at her.
“Honey, you don’t have to look scared,” she reassures me. “As much as I’m around you all, I just can’t help but notice things with you guys. You look at Logan the same way my brother used to.”
“How’s that?” I whisper.
“Like there is nothing else that matters in this world.” Her voice softens, almost sounding far away. I watch her look off to the side, getting lost in a private memory.
I let out a sigh and roll my head back. “I’m so sorry, Suzie. I know Brad was your brother and that he and Logan were absolutely perfect together, but I made sure I never did anything. I never tried to touch him or make a move. I let them be, but…” I shake my head. Suzie reaches for my hand and gives it a squeeze.
“I’m not judging you, Cam. And I never once suspected that you would make a move on him. I support this, very much. Can I tell you a secret?”
I look at her and nod my head.
“People are my thing. I watch, I study, and I learn. It’s why I was damn good at my job with the police. But I sometimes wondered if Brad was the right one for Logan. There were times I’d see you and Logan together and it just…fit. But Brie would constantly remind me that Logan chose our brother and that Brad chose him. I couldn’t see any fault in that. I only brought it up that one time, but it’s never stopped me from wondering.” She shrugs a shoulder but gives me a reassured look.
“It all came down to pure luck, Suz. Brad and I both met and at the same time, we watched when Logan walked through those training room doors…well, let’s just say that Brad beat me to him. I’ve never resented him for it. At least, not enough to really be upset by it.”
“I loved my brother very much. But he wouldn’t want Logan, or you for that matter, ending up miserable and alone. Now you can finally have a shot. So why are you here and not there with him still?”
“Because he doesn’t want anything more than a one night stand. You should have seen the disgust and horror on his face when I found him this morning. Called what we did a mistake and said that he was betraying Brad, whom he is still very much chained to.” I turn away from Suzie so she can’t see my face. I’m still coming down from the alcohol that I drank over the last eighteen hours and between it inhibiting my ability to cloak my emotions and me feeling sorry for myself, I don’t want her seeing how vulnerable I feel.
“Then Logan is stupid if he thinks that. He’ll open his eyes, honey. He’ll see you. It might take some time, but he’ll come around. And just so you know, I support this. You two, I do.” She puts an arm around me and pulls me into to her. I lean my head on her shoulder and sigh.
“I’m willing to wait forever, Suz. I just don’t think he is. Can we please keep this between us for now? It won’t be long until Logan goes babbling to the other two – oh shit!” I drop my head into my hands. “I’m sorry, Suz. I meant JoJo, not… God, I keep fucking things up left and right.”
“Look. Just stay in here and take a breather. JoJo will probably be back soon with an update, so I’ll give you some time. Get a nap in, relax, but don’t worry. Things will be fine. Just don’t give up on him, okay? You know how Logan can be. He’ll eventually need that push.”
I nod my head as Suzie walks out, her now purple curls bouncing around her head.
Don’t worry?
That’s easy for her to say.