Austin glares at Grady running down the hall and then whirls to face me. “He’s not going to talk to me like that.”
I stop and step in front of him, my hands on his heaving chest. “Just go.”
He catches my blazing eyes. “You baby them. They’re going to turn into little pussies just like your fucking boyfriend.”
Don’t react, Aly. Don’t. You need to get him out of the house and deal with the kids.
“Leave. Get out of here before I call the police, and I will go back to the court for full custody.” I keep my voice calm, but insistent and shove him away from their room. Anger bubbles inside of me as I try to pull it back, try to stop him from controlling me. He catches himself against the wall, his eyes wide, his reaction somewhat enclosed. But he doesn’t move, and I need him to. “If you do not leave this house right now, I’m going to rip your ball sack off. Right off and feed it to the cats.”
He’s close enough I can feel his breath on my skin, feel the burn of his gaze everywhere. He licks his lips, narrowing his eyes. “Fine.” He holds up his palms, his retreat. “Go baby them some more.”
And then he leaves.
Finally.
Now what? I have to go talk to them, but what am I going to say that’s going to make this any better. I think about calling Ridge. He’d know, but then again, this is something I have to talk to them about. This is something Austin should have talked to them about. When we told them we were getting a divorce, Austin’s way of telling them was saying, “Your mom asked me to move out and I think it’s time. I don’t love her anymore.”
I picture him in my mind, that day, him sitting at the dinner table, telling our sons he doesn’t love their mother anymore. I can’t imagine what they had been thinking that day.
I creep down the hall, tears burning my eyes at what to say to them. Grady’s reaction flashes in my head, his anger, something he rarely displays.
The truth is, I ignore Grady. I do. And it’s not that I intend to. It’s because he’s the easy child. He’s nothing like Cash in the way that you have to pay attention to Cash or he might possibly blow up the house. Literally. Do you know how many fires that boy has started?
Grady, he’s different. He’s compassionate and wants to please you. He doesn’t want to upset anyone and goes with the flow of everything. Unless you ask him to put socks on. Then it’s like the world has ended.
There are days when I’m so angry with Cash and his behavior that Grady senses it and helps me. He tries to get his brother to lay off, and that shouldn’t be his job.
But he does it, and I’m grateful for it because I think he was brought into this world to help me with his brother.
Carefully, I crack their bedroom door open. Cash is on the bed with Grady, rubbing his back, but he’s not crying like I thought he would be. He’s sad, yes, but his tears are silently falling like he’s been let down too many times.
I want to tell them how sorry I am that we, both Austin and I, failed them. I will forever feel guilty that we broke their home and world apart because we couldn’t make it work.
Carefully, unsure, and quite frankly, broken, I sit down on the bed and cry with them. I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m confused, and I know they’re feeling the same way. Maybe even worse.
Pushing out a breath, it does nothing but make my chest feel heavier. “I’m sorry you have to move back and forth between two homes. I really am.” My voice remains gentle, the expression on their faces anything but that. Though they look like their father, they hold none of his harshness. Well, Cash does, but with each word I say to him, it eases, lifts, but doesn’t fade. I touch his cheek, brushing my fingertips over his warmth. “You’re forced to move several times a week, and you don’t complain.” I watch Grady, his face painted with the sadness he’s kept hidden from everyone in fear they didn’t need more to deal with. He didn’t ask for this. Neither of them did. “All of this, the back and forth and the unknown, it’s exhausting for me, and I am sure it is for you.”
There’s a lump in my throat, one that gets bigger and bigger the more I talk, their faces the picture perfect of the frustration I feel. I can’t believe how much pressure I’ve put on them at such a young age.
I reach for their hands, both of them and they let me hold them. Even Cash. “I created this, and I am sorry. I’m sorry that without meaning to, your dad and I put you in the middle of our arguments. I’m mostly sorry that my parents never divorced because and I don’t know how you feel. I can’t help you through this because I don’t know.” Tears fall from my eyes, released because I can’t hold them back any longer and I don’t want to.
“Why doesn’t he want us anymore?” Grady asks through slow falling tears, his eyes the color of the sky when he cries.
“I don’t know what he’s thinking, guys. Sometimes adults do things and we don’t realize what they’re doing to others.”
Grady sighs, brushing away his tears and then reaching for his blanket he’s had since he was a baby. “Why is he starting a family with her?”
Because he’s a fucking idiot. I don’t say that. Instead, I draw in another breath, trying to find the courage not to say anything bad about him. “I don’t know, buddy. Sometimes when you’re in a relationship or marriage, feelings change over time and someone who once made you happy, doesn’t any longer and you find someone who does.”
Shit. That wasn’t the right thing to say, was it?
“Do you hate him?” Cash asks, staring at his hands as he fidgets with the edges of what looks to be a drawing or a card. “Do you hate him for being friends with Brie?”
I have to watch what I say, because in many ways, ways they won’t understand until their old and have children of their own, I do hate Austin. I hate what he’s done and the example he’s set for them. But that’s also something they don’t need to know. Those are my reasons and should never be theirs.
I brush my hands over Cash’s face, pushing his hair from his eyes. He blinks, steady, always controlling what he doesn’t want anyone to see. In many ways, he’s a lot like me. Always trying to control and perfect everything. “I don’t like his behavior, but him as a person, no, I don’t hate him. He gave me something incredibly precious, and for that, I will always love him, in some form.”
“Do you love Ridge?” he then asks, his voice steady, never wavering, but his eyes are on the paper in his hand.
Can I admit this to them? We’ve already confused them enough. “How do you guys feel about Ridge?”
Cash looks to Grady, who finally smiles and hands me the folded-up piece of paper in his hand.
“What’s this?”
They smile, again. “Happy birthday, Mommy.”
Opening it, I cry, like I did when I found out I was pregnant and knew my life was changing forever. I cry because this is similar. Though it’s not a birthday card, it’s more. It’s so much more. My life is changing forever.
On my twenty-seventh birthday, they asked another man to date their mom. Not because they were forced to accept a change in their life, but because they asked him to be a part of it.
And Ridge said yes.
Through tears, I pull them into my arms, hugging their heads to my chest until they squirm away, laughing, giggling, being kids again.
Wiping the tears away, I look them in the eye. “Do you want Ridge in your life?”
They both nod. “We do!” Grady says, his expression no longer one of pain, but hope.
I can’t deny them, like I ever would when it came to them accepting Ridge into our lives, our love complicated lives.