In the morning it was daddy’s turn to corral the herd and get them situated for the day. I had Cody on my hip while I prepared breakfast.

These fucks don’t know what dry cereal looks like, except during summer vacation, ain’t that a bitch. Their mother and grandmothers spoil their asses and what they don’t do, the grandfathers pick up the slack.

I got the bacon from the oven and scrambled a couple dozen eggs. The noise level was off the charts because…Mengele. She was arguing with her brothers that our night out was better than theirs.

I guess I should be happy that my kids don’t have anything more serious to argue about. Their mother waddled in just when they were finishing up and I had to feed her miserable ass.

Of course she didn’t want anything I made and it took damn near half an hour to figure out what she wanted. I got her the fruit she said she wanted and sat with her while her kids tried to tear my fucking

house apart with their shit.

“What you got doing today?” I sipped my coffee and bounced my kid on my knee while he ate half his mother’s fruit and laughed, drooling all over himself.

“I have a few things to pick up in town.” She rubbed her lower back and I knew my day was fucked. “Why don’t I take care of that for you?”

“Oh could you, that’ll be great. I just wanna lay down and put my feet up.” Like that wasn’t her plan all along.

I made sure the kids weren’t getting into shit and headed out half an hour later after warning them not to bother their mother.

I only took Cody with me because I don’t want Caitiebear thinking she always has to babysit. The twins and Caleb can take care of themselves and I have to worry more about Mengele fucking somebody’s shit up than about her getting hurt.

I got what she needed and headed back to the house already tired just thinking about whatever the fuck it is that my kids were going to be getting

into today.

I put her shit away and headed upstairs to put Cody down for his nap before heading for our room where she said she was going to be.

As I got closer I could hear crying coming from the tube through the door so I was sure she was in there tucked up with a box of Kleenex and a pint of ice cream. Fucking hormones!

I opened the door and sure enough her eyes were glued to the screen, nose red and runny and eyes swollen. She does this to herself just for fucking kicks.

“Kat swear to fuck, what are you watching? What died? Cat, dog, human what?”

“Somebody that shouldn’t have.” She hiccupped through fresh tears.

I walked over and grabbed the remote from the nightstand and turned the shit off.

“Why don’t you write the fuck who wrote it and tell him to fix his shit?” She’s a damn screen writer now.

“Colton turn that back on.” Like fuck! When her ass gets weepy that usually means trouble for yours truly. Not to-fucking-day. Can I get some peace in this bitch?

“If I see one more tear you’re not watching TV for a month.” My bitch ass turned it back on because…pussy whipped going on seventeen fucking years.

“I’m not Catalina or Caitlin or one of the boys for that matter. And if you’re practicing for when the trips get here I should warn you. By the time they get here that kind of threat might be old school.”

She’s trying to make me nuts. “Kat, serious talk, no joke. Don’t you ever think about making a run for it? Just packing up one day just you and me and hoofing it to the border?”

I said that shit to get her mind off of whatever the hell was making her cry on the stupid TV. She howled with laughter like I knew she would and the knots in my gut untangled themselves.

“Speaking of which, I meant to tell you something.”

“Oh no-no-no-no-no. It’s Saturday, my down day. I ain’t doing shit.” Every time she starts a statement like that my ass ends up in a sling.

“Colton, grow a pair.” The fuck! She dug into her nasty ice cream with marshmallow shit and rolled her eyes at me.

I dropped down on the bed beside her and braced myself for whatever fuckery she was about to hit me with.

“Fine, what is it that you want now?”

“You need to call your mom.” I sat up and looked at her but her face didn’t tell me shit.

All kidding aside, my parents aren’t as young as they used to be and every little thing sends my ass into a panic these days.

“Why what’s wrong?” I was already reaching for the phone, expecting to hear some off colored shit like one of them had fallen and busted their head open in the shower or some shit. I should’ve known better. Elena’s hippie ass thinks she’s fifty.

“Ma, what’s wrong?” I didn’t even let her get out the hello.

“Oh hi son you finally remembered me? I’m sure Kat told you since last night that I needed to talk to you.”

I’m sure she didn’t because she was trying to get some dick. I eyed her but she was glued to the damn TV with her sniffling shit again.

“I’m sorry ma, I got a little tied up.” What with six kids and all. She found that shit funny for some fucked up reason. “I don’t need to know about your bedroom peccadillos.” This woman.

“Was there something you wanted Elena? You and dad okay? The house still standing?” Mengele gets her penchant for blowing up shit from the pothead so it’s always a toss up on any given day.

“Your dad’s been retired for almost a year now as you know. He’s still doing some consulting but it’s so nice to have my dude all to myself for the most part. That’s what I want to talk to you about. You’ve got to come get this man out of my house.”

“Elena, mom….”

“Uh-uh-uh I don’t want to hear it. Find something for him to do. He’s got way too much free time on his hands and all he does is sit around here smoking and making me nuts.”

What the fuck does she expect me to do with him? And why isn’t she calling one of her daughters on

this shit? I should find a home for both their asses but I know if I even hint at that shit both her and my wife would scalp my ass.

She muttered something that sounded like ‘sex maniac’ but I pretended not to hear that shit because fuck, gross.

“Okay mom I’ll see what I can do.” I don’t know what she’s complaining about because my wife drags the lot of them to my place every chance she gets like I’m running a home or some fuck.

“I’m not playing Colton, between him and Cyrus I don’t know who’s worst. The two of them are always up to something in my backyard, and on the weekends Drake joins them and it’s all I can do to get anything done around here.”

“My friends can’t even walk through the door in peace without your father offering them pot. Our last book club, nobody got anything done because they were all too high.”

I tried not to laugh at this shit, imagining a bunch of seventy year old women high off their asses. I could’ve told her what her husband and Cy were doing in the backyard but why bother.

She’d figure it out soon enough when dad starts drying his grow in her damn kitchen or some shit. “I’ll take care of it.” The fuck am I supposed to do with him?

Kat was trying to pretend she wasn’t listening in, but I’m pretty sure she was partly responsible for this. “That’ll be good. Me, and the girls have a lot to do to get ready for the trips and I can’t have him constantly underfoot.”

“I said I’ll take care of it.” Meanwhile what the fuck is she and her pack planning for my kids? I listened to her gripes for twenty minutes before her husband hustled her off the phone for a reason I don’t think I wanna know.

“What did the two of you already decide that I should do with the pothead?” She did the whole, oh I gotta think about this shit; lying ass.

“Well school is almost out. I was thinking, why don’t we have him come over here and teach Catalina stuff.” Who the fuck is she kidding?

“You know how much she loves spending time with her grandpa, and this way her little mind would stay focused, her teachers all say that’s best.” Pitiful!

I covered my mouth with my hand but I couldn’t hide my shaking shoulders. That got me one of her bitch please glares and a huff. “What’s so funny?”

“You, you’re always telling me to be nice to her and you’re scared shitless.”

“Am not, it’s just. Colt, I cannot deal with triplets and Catalina when the babies come.”

“Yeah, I know…fuck.” The pothead and Mengele is not a combination I want in my fucking rearview. I must not have sounded very convincing because she dove into a rant with her hormonal ass.

“Look, we both know he’s not going to hurt her, or let her get hurt. This way we’ll kill two birds with one stone. Your mom can have her space and Catalina would have someone watching over her.”

She says that shit now, but wait until they blow the first floor of her dream house to shit. Then I’m the one who’ll have to listen to her nagging ass.

I didn’t say shit, because that was her hormonal ass talking and there’s no winning against that shit. She always wants family around when she’s getting close to her due date.

Then in a few days when they start getting on her damn nerves she starts talking out the side of her mouth, asking me when they’re leaving. But today she wants family so I’ma give her family. Fuck me!