Dinner was as to be expected, noisy and messy. I had the whole family at my table and I knew from the way the women were situated that some shit was going on.

When my niece kept going on and on about driving lessons while my sisters, mother and wife kept staring at me, I got the drift.

I gritted my teeth, clenched my fork and kept my head down. No, just fuck no. I cut into my steak like it was on the operating table and took ten minutes to chew. I’m concentrating on my food, don’t say shit to me.

I wonder who taught these women that the dinner table was the best place for an ambush? “So Colton what do you think?”

“What do I think about what Elena?” That piece of meat was almost as pureed in my mouth as Cody’s nasty ass baby food. I got a pain in my gut but refused to rub it.

These fucking women have given me ulcers, I’m

sure of it. I cut another piece of meat and the whole table got quiet. I could feel their eyes on me.

Even the pothead, Drake and Cy were looking at me now. There was no point in trying to get help from that corner. I know from experience that their balls were long gone too.

“About Caitlin getting her permit.” My eyes went to my daughter and it was the excitement in her eyes that made me bite back the words. I’m gonna cry any second now.

Why is everyone in such a hurry for my baby to grow up? A car means independence. It means she can drive around on her own with her little friends…

I felt an attack of some sort coming on. But the kid had that hopeful look in her eyes. “I don’t see why not.” You could hear a pin drop for the first thirty seconds, and then the smiles and congratulations started.

“But I’ll teach her.” And here we have the groans. I know that they think they know me, because I caught the head shake between my wife and the other females at the table.

That meant, don’t say anything now let me work him later. Her pregnant ass can’t get up to too many sex tricks to make my ass stupid so good luck with that.

The rest of dinner was passably pleasant if you don’t count the noise level. At least my eldest had a smile on her face and not that teenage frown that makes me nuts.

Then she had to go and spoil it. As soon as she could be excused she jumped up from the table with the announcement that she had to call Todd and tell him.

Her cousin jumped up with her all giggles the two of them and I wanted to shoot myself. Why the fuck does he need to know what’s going on in my house?

“Catalina and I are going to be busy this summer.” The pothead filled the void. He was high as fuck as was evident by the stupid look on his face.

“Oh, what’re you two going to be doing?” Elena looked at me with a smile like she thought I’d set that shit up.

“Well, we’re going to be experimenting with the

cannabis plant and working on a cure for some lesser ailments. I don’t want to say too much yet. But with my experience and her brain I think it will be fun.”

Questions started flying around and I was sure my wife at least would nix the idea of her five year old daughter having anything whatsoever to do with weed no matter in what capacity. Fuck me I was wrong.

“That sounds amazing dad, do you really think she can handle something like that?” What the fuck?

“Kat?” I gave her a look after hissing her name.

“Well are you going to keep her busy?” She said that shit out the side of her face like Groucho Marx.

I see her game. She’s just glad to be getting the kid out of her hair. As to her question, fuck no. I comforted myself with the assurance that my father wouldn’t let his own granddaughter get hurt in anyway and had to be satisfied with that.

I got ran out of my own kitchen by the women and headed up to my office for a quick minute while my brothers in law and the other males went outside to look at the stars or some shit.

I was in there five minutes before someone walked through the door. “Yo Colt, we’ve got a problem.” Jared the fuck didn’t even say hello. Then again, when has he ever?

“FUBAR or tap dance?” I twisted my chair around to face him.

“We’ve got a pedo in the vicinity.” Well fuck! It’s been a while since we had one of those locally.

“What kind? Is this some seventeen year old boy that kissed his sixteen year old girlfriend and pissed off her father, or the real deal?”

“Oh he’s the real deal, anything under twelve apparently.” Sick fuck!

“Where?” I was already getting to my feet. Some things you just have to see to right away.

“Fifteen minutes out. The asshole law just released him after doing three of fifty on some technicality. One of the wives got the alert.”

“Too fucking close, he’s fucked. Round up the boys. Kat?” Where the hell is she? Last I saw she and her daughter had their heads together whispering about some shit. Probably some fuck that’s gonna piss me off no doubt.

She came sauntering into the room as I tossed my jacket over my shoulders. “Gotta run, don’t stay up…” Her eyes widened with…something. Suspicious fuck.

“Where’re you going?”

“I gotta see a guy about a thing.” I checked my glock and my knife before putting them in my favorite spots. She folded her arms and tapped her foot with a frown on her face. “Colton…”

I gave Jared the signal not to say shit because to this day he’s still afraid of her and that ass slinked out of the room and the line of fire. “Colton, where are you going?”

“Quit worrying, I’m not going far. Promise.” Nosy fuck she’s been into my business way too much lately. I used to be able to keep shit from her with just a look. But Elena’s old ass has been fueling her shit. Now she thinks she’s a badass.

“Why do you need a gun and a knife if it’s nothing?” She started that tearing up shit.

“Babe, I said it was nothing, I never leave the house this late at night without my piece you know that.”

She looked at me squinty eyed but a kiss and a hug reassured her that her man was coming back home which in the end is all she really cared about.

I jogged down the stairs and avoided the rest of my family wherever the hell they were around my house. My hand was on the doorknob and I was almost in the clear, which in this bitch is an achievement.

“Daddy.” Fuck, I’d almost made my getaway. “What is it?” Hitler’s youth sidled up to me with a look that I could only term as slick. She held out a sheaf of papers at me.

“What is this?” I looked down to see the biggest fucking dog I’ve ever seen in my life.

“That’s the best guard dog in the world.” I’d already told her ass a thousand times no dog.

“Mengele, something wrong with your hearing? I said no dog, we already…” Shit, I forgot we’d lost the family dog a few months ago. She’d been a part of our family for so long that it was hard for me to let go. Fuck you I have a heart.

“Daddy we need a dog. All these strange men coming and going around here.” She flounced off in a huff, arms swinging and muttering some shit under her breath. What the fuck strange men? She’s had a beef with the security team since day one.

I guess they were too observant or some shit and she can’t get up to her shit with them on board. I was about to tell her to take her little ass somewhere and stop bugging me, but her mother and sister came down the stairs.

“What’s going on?” Her nosy ass mother stuck her nose in.

“Daddy’s gonna get me a dog.” This fucking kid.

“Oh really? Aw Colt that’s sweet, you’re finally going to get her the dog she’s been begging for.”

That’s a dig. I should tell her that I had shit to do but the kid had put me on the spot and I had the sneaky suspicion that she knew that shit.

“What kind boy or girl?” I restrained myself from gritting my teeth.

“I think we should get both.”

“Daf…no. Choose.”

“Well which is the best daddy?”

“Can we do this when I get back? I have

somewhere to be.” I guess she was happy with the fact that she’d backed me into a corner because she was happy enough to wait.

“Fucking females.” I muttered under my breath because I didn’t want to hear her ‘ooh daddy you said a bad word’ shit.

I was barely out the door when I heard her pestering her sister about some shit. Poor Caitiebear, she’s about the only one who has the patience to deal with her sister these days.

Even Kat’s been hiding out from her lately. Serves her ass right. I told her about fucking daughters and shit. Then I remembered that she was now carrying three.

“Fuck!” I put my head in my hands and said a quick prayer for peace. I’m getting too old for this shit. Nine fucking kids, I’m not gonna make it.

The pothead and his nosy ass wife were getting up there in age but they still hadn’t missed a step. I figure I come from good stock, good genes. A screech from behind the door soon had me rethinking that shit.

Sure as fuck Mengele would do me in sooner rather than later. I thought of the absurdity of the fact that I was thinking about this shit while on my way to fuck up some asshole’s shit for being a piece of shit.

Jared was already mounted up and waiting and the others were pulling onto my street as I pulled out of the driveway. I just followed since I didn’t know where the fuck I was going.

Like I said it’s been a minute since we’ve had an offender in the area. That’s due in part to the fact that we never let them hang around too long and they always know they’re not welcome.

I don’t give a fuck where they go, I have no tolerance and yes I do make their lives miserable as fuck. I have kids that’s enough for me to stay on top of that shit. Nasty evil fucks!

We left anything resembling streetlights behind and headed into the sticks ten minutes out. The houses were spaced apart with lots of acreage around each.

“Where this fuckwit live fuckthatville?” I asked Jared in my headpiece just as he made the turnoff down a long gravel drive that led to a nice size cabin.

The night had gone dark in the time it took us to get here, and the only light came from the moon which was playing peekaboo with the clouds.

The place felt eerie and isolated, just the kind of place you’d expect some asshole to reside in. I watched the windows for movement and saw nothing.

“Lights.” My boys were already dismounting and heading for the little rusty gate that led to the overgrown yard. Something in my gut was acting way the hell up. I didn’t get this far in life by ignoring that shit.

They stopped short at my order and soon the ground ahead of us was lit up. To the naked eye it might look like debris just strewn around, nothing to worry about.

To me, the shit looked like a setup. “That shit’s booby trapped. Besides, our boy’s not home.”

“How do you know?” Jared came to stand next to me as we looked over the place.

“Unless he walked out of here, where’s his

vehicle?” I looked around at the vast expanse of land between this place and the main drag we’d just left.

“He could’ve parked in the back sure, but I doubt it, there’s no roadway back there. You see those pieces of plywood strewn all over the grass? Classic booby trap.”

“So what do we do?”

“We head back and learn as much as we can about this asshole before our next move.” I hated walking away but I wasn’t about to let my guys get hurt with whatever the fuck this guy had going on in his yard.