Chapter 15
Anna
I wanted him to see, to know, the Anna who stood before him. For as long as I could remember, I had hidden who I was. From the public. From him. From myself. Although I would never be completely open with Braden, the part of me that loved him wanted something. Maybe a speck of acceptance. Maybe his love, despite the monster I still was. Maybe even…no—not respect. No matter what Braden confessed to me, he and I weren’t the same. He didn’t crave the violence or the blood like I did. But we did share at least the smallest thing in common—cold revenge. Not the kind that consisted of the courts, but one laced with satisfying justice. The kind that warmed your stomach and sped up your pulse. The righteousness of retribution. Vengeance. Even if he wouldn’t give himself over to it completely, he’d committed murder once, and that was something I could use to my advantage.
“You have such confidence in yourself, Anna. If you ask me, too much. You forget I’ve been on both sides as well. Not to the same extent, but that doesn’t make me less capable.”
I pushed the door open even more and inched deeper into Boston’s hotel room. “Perhaps not. But everything you knew didn’t help you find me, now did it?”
Pain drained the color from Braden’s face, only turning it cold as his eyes narrowed into a glare. Regret engulfed me, but I managed to keep my features lax.
“Wow…you’re so quick to allow fear to overpower your love for me. We were getting closer to working this out, and up go your walls. How much are you hurting right now? I bet pushing me away is killing you, isn’t it?” He leaned forward as tears began to burn my eyes. “Answer me. Is holding a grudge easier than forgiving me for something I had no control over? Is this rage worth more than what we once shared? I did everything I could to try to find you. I wanted to marry you. I planned to—”
“You should go.”
“When I finish.” The clipped words were growled through clenched teeth. “You may not want to hear what I have to say, but I’m going to damn well get this off my chest once and for all. Before you were taken, I bought a ring. I was going to propose. I spent days—hell, weeks—trying to plan the perfect way to ask you to marry me. Looking back, I was terrified. Not at spending the rest of my life with you, but at your possible rejection. What if you said no? What if you said yes? What if I couldn’t make you as happy as you deserved?” His head cocked to the side. “I see how absurd those questions are now. Nothing compared to the hell I had to live without you in my life. God, I would trade anything in the world to be back in those moments of petty uncertainty. To know you were mine was all that mattered. To wake up with you in my arms and know I had your love. Your trust.” A deep breath left him. “Right now, your ring is sitting on top of the dresser inside my apartment, where it has been since you kicked me out of our home. Ours, Anna. We had a life together. A beautiful, wonderful life. Can you honestly tell me you don’t love me enough to forgive something that wasn’t my fault? That you don’t want what we once had?”
Thudding shook my entire body as invisible pressure had me glancing over my shoulder into the hotel room. Boston was standing over the map, but he was watching me. Hearing us.
My fingers tightened on the door knob, and I swallowed through the tightness of my throat.
“Your dream was with the old me. She wasn’t real, Braden. Or, if she was, she died back in that home where she had been kept. I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”
I stepped back, forcing myself to memorize the heartbreak I was causing him as I shut the barrier between us. Braden didn’t deserve this. He wasn’t safe. This new me—the Anna who had been awakened—wasn’t a good person. To continue this closeness with Braden was only going to get one of us in trouble.
The wooden surface was cool as I rested my forehead on the door. Darkness had never been so inviting as exhaustion left me off balance.
“He loves you.”
Boston’s voice had me opening my eyes and turning to face him. I didn’t reply as I headed toward the map he was resting his fingers on. As I approached, he straightened.
“Anna—”
“Detective Casey and I are not relevant to finding Lucy. Let’s go over this map. We’ll start here,” I said, pointing to the top and gesturing to the surroundings in a circular motion. “The outskirts of the city are promising. Then again, he’ll think we’d suspect that. No One kept me in town,” I said quieter. “Quite close to the police station. But this person…” I blinked hard, trying to get the words I’d written to focus. “This person,” my finger moved inward, closer to the city, staying more toward the outskirts, “he won’t be in town. He won’t be on the outskirts either.”
Back and forth, my finger moved—in between the city and outskirts, to the south, where the gardens were.
I traced, going between three different main routes. It would be easier to continue south. It was a direct shot to get out of the city in record time. Less exposure. Less chance of getting caught. Of course, I could be completely wrong and he came from the east side, which wasn’t much different than the south. Once out of the city, it was mostly farmland.
“You’re leaning toward the south.” Boston pointed to the three main roads I had been studying.
“It’s easy access to the gardens and surrounding area where the other girls were taken. It’s the safest route for him to travel, and he would be covering his ass.”
“But he knew Lucy, or that I’d have her. That call wasn’t for nothing. It was a distraction. So where did he come from, and where did he go? South?”
“Or east,” I breathed out. “It’s the closest road he could have taken by the gardens. It leads to farmland, just like the south. All of this,” I said, waving my hand, “is nothingness. Acres upon acres of random farmhouses, barns. I should make a bigger map.”
“Fuck. I need coffee. Did you sleep at all?”
“No. Not yet. I think I’m good for another hour or two. I’ll expand—”
Boston paused, grabbing the coffee mug as his head shook. “You’re going to drop where you stand. You need to sleep. At least a few hours.” He laid the mug down, ignoring it as he led me to the bed. “Rest. I can draw the basics on the map. It’ll give me something to do until you wake. Do you need to change? Shower? You brought a backpack. You’re staying then, like I asked?”
“Yes. I showered at home, but I do need to change. I won’t sleep for long.” I walked around him, grabbing my backpack and going toward the bathroom. Boston didn’t move as I headed inside and shut the door. I should have felt uneasy or awkward as I put on my pajama pants with the matching tee, but I wasn’t. Lucy stole any defensive emotions I normally would have felt. I was a woman on a mission, and she was my only concern as I brushed my teeth and headed back into the room.
Even as I approached the bed, my eyes kept going to the map—back to Boston as he glanced up from the chair, watching me. The last thing I wanted was sleep, but I was already not functioning like Lucy needed me to.
The light clicked on at the desk, and I reached up, turning the one next to the bed off. Darkness greeted me better than any lover had. It welcomed me back, and within the void of approaching unconsciousness, my mind raced. Thoughts twisted, and scenes flashed. Lucy’s pictures appeared, and I could see her in motion, coming to life before me.
Blonde hair swayed with her movements, and the gardens were suddenly in view. Flowers had blossomed. Hedges. People randomly walked around while others viewed the vibrant colors. It was so real, I could smell the sweetness. I could feel the sun on me, warming my skin.
I was suddenly walking. Stalking. I took in her face from different angles as I approached. Lowering my gaze, my focus went to the smooth, tanned skin of her neck before analyzing the perfection of her profile. I knew her, although I didn’t technically know her at all. Did her abductor?
Thoughts stretched through the multiple questions filtering through. Longer, I stared at her, circling around as she stared ahead. Stared at Boston. He had a call. A distraction. The killer was here. Or someone… They knew names. Locations. Times. They knew…
Thick shadows moved up from behind her as I stared into eyes. Green eyes. Wide, terrified eyes. Depths that held a future only I knew. Was she being tortured? Raped? Was it about that, or something more? Was she connected to this killer? Instinct told me, somehow, yes. But Lucy wasn’t from here. Not like the other girls. So how would this person have picked her that morning, on such short notice, and learned Boston’s name, and that they’d even be in Rockford? It didn’t make sense. It wasn’t impossible, but it wasn’t probable either.
Deeper, I pushed into the part of me I always tried to close off. Thoughts faded, stolen by the sleep that kept trying to come, but I managed to let my mind continue to run.
The dark mass was thickening behind her. White. A handkerchief. Motive. Planning. All for her. For a girl who wasn’t a native to the area. For one, she was from Massachusetts and Florida. They weren’t at the gardens long enough for someone to get names from anything other than conversation. A smart kidnapper? An acquaintance?
The two battled each other for what seemed an eternity as I drifted between the clash of colors and oblivion. Heat and ice prickled my skin while demented laughter from No One tickled my neck. I was suddenly Lucy, feeling the presence behind me. The need to fight, to turn around, was there, but her unawareness left me frozen in place. Screams exploded around me—mine, hers. We were one, merging together as a blanket of terror wrapped around my back and held me tight. And white, it was stealing me away. I couldn’t breathe through the toxic fumes my subconscious told me I was smelling. But I couldn’t fight either. My body was thrashing, but my arms and legs wouldn’t move. I was going down. We were leaving. Sleep. Deep sleep. Laughter…somewhere. His hands. His touch.
“Anna. Anna, wake up.”
Shaking had my eyes flying open. Had I thought I couldn’t move? I couldn’t. Weight pinned me down and my arms went limp in Boston’s hold as I gasped repeatedly and stared up into his puzzled face.
“Jesus. You scared me half to death. Are you okay? You started screaming. You…” he swallowed hard, easing up from the top part of my body and letting go of my wrists. “I’ve never heard a woman scream like that before.”
Sweat met my palm as I slid it down my face and sat up. I barely noticed the water as Boston handed it over to me.
“I’m sorry. Bad dream.”
“Were you back with him?”
Burning laced my throat as I avoided the question and went back to taking deep swallows. “How long have I been out?”
“A few hours. It’s already morning.”
“Morning?” I put the bottle down, pushing from the bed. The map on the desk was expanded, but not like I’d thought it would be. My eyes cut over to Boston as he lowered to the edge of the bed. “Did you leave? The map, it’s…” Back and forth, I looked between them.
“I was here.” He brought his eyes up from the floor. A good minute passed before he clenched his fists and rested his forearms on his thighs. “I think Dr. Patron was right. My mind…it’s not okay.”
“What you do mean? What happened? What were you doing?”
“Nothing. Thinking.”
Rapidly, I blinked through the confusion. “About what? What was more important than finishing the map? Boston, I don’t understand.”
“You wouldn’t.” His tone calmed as his head lowered again. “I tried to work on the map. I really did, but then you started talking in your sleep. I couldn’t make out what you were saying, so I got closer to listen.” He paused, bringing his stare right up to mine. “Lucy’s lips aren’t as full as yours. Her nose slopes a little more too. It’s slightly thinner than yours, but…” he squinted, “the two of you are so similar and yet completely different, though only by the slightest measurements. It’s fascinating how the smallest variance can alter someone’s appearance. I’ve never met anyone who was a close enough match to her to even consider comparing, and probably wouldn’t have if she was here. I just...I’m searching for her in everything. My mind, it won’t stop.”
“You were watching me sleep? For hours?”
“I told you, you wouldn’t understand.”
“You’re right. I don’t. We needed that map done for Lucy. To find her. Time is running out. Do you understand that? Do you have any idea what she could be going through this very moment?”
Boston stood, taking an angry step toward me. “I know exactly what she could be going through, and my knowledge of that is what’s fucking me up the most. Anna, the map is great for when we’re not together. It’s great as a reference to guide us as we go over where we’ve searched. But nothing is comparable than the two of us on the streets trying to unravel who did this. We can work on expanding the map later. Right now, I say we grab breakfast and start digging through the dirt of this town. Someone has to know something. Let’s go figure out who.”