Chapter 33
Anna
Sobs turned to crying. Crying to silence. Silence to sobs.
It was a cycle, and it lasted for hours. Sometimes, I joined in and shed tears. Other times, I just held Boston. The emotional peril pulled me back to the moments I carried the most grief. It brought me to Roman, my son. The loss never got easier. It never left me. Especially now, so fresh on my mind. It was easy to share my pain with a man who could relate to such a devastating loss. But it was more than that. Our grief, our heartbreak, and similarities, were one. We were shadows of one another, dark, but always close. It was a connection I had never had with anyone before. With Boston, it came naturally. Fluid, like the way my hand rubbed up and down his back as he crumbled before me. Or the way his face fit into my neck when he didn’t have the strength to hold his head up anymore. One. Bonded through tragedy. Genuine, soul-deep friends.
“This isn’t real. Fourteen years…I’ve been in love with her for over fourteen years. This is not how our story ends. This is a dream. A nightmare,” he said, wiping the new tears away. “But I’m not going to wake up, am I?”
“No. I’m sorry.”
A shuddering breath left him, and Boston angled his knees closer to mine as he sat on my sofa. His hands went back to hold one of mine, loose, but connected. With my other hand, I made a path up and down his back. The silence was broken with random cries. He was trying to hold them in, but he was losing.
“What am I still doing here if she’s gone? Why am I alive if she’s not? We were meant to be together, not apart. This…doesn’t make sense. I don’t understand. Together forever. That’s what we always said. Forever. This isn’t the end of our forever, so why isn’t she here?”
The last came out thick with rage. He was shaking, squeezing my hand tighter.
“Boston.” Dr. Patron moved to the end of the chair catty-corner from my sofa. He was leaned forward, ringing his hands together. For the most part, he had been quiet, watching us, letting Boston work through his pain in his own way.
“Life, it’s not always fair. If anything, it’s cruel. Lucy was your joy. She was joy for anyone who knew her. We have to hold to her beauty and goodness as we work to move forward. You’ll always have her, here,” he said, pressing into his chest. “It’s not the same, I know. You want her physically here. It doesn’t feel like it now, but I promise things will get easier.”
“I don’t want this easier,” Boston bit out. “I want this over. I want Daniel Stracht. I want to make him pay for what he’s done.”
Dr. Patron met my eyes, moving his gaze to Boston. For moments, he didn’t speak.
“I’m responsible. I blame myself for not seeing it sooner. Maybe if I put it together a day or two before, Lucy would still be alive. I’ve been so distracted lately, and what’s happened falls on me. For that, you have my deepest, heart-felt apologies. If you want Daniel, I’ll do everything in my power to hunt him down and deliver him to you. He won’t get away with this Boston. We won’t let him.”
“Let’s not talk about that right now.” I brought Boston’s hand to my chest, drawing his full attention. “Revenge will come. If anyone supports that, it’s me. And you can guarantee, I’ll have your back however you may need it. But don’t make the same mistake I made with my son. Lucy does not deserve to have her memory tainted with the repulsive thought of Daniel. This time is about her. Her love. The love the two of you shared. Feel it. Embrace it, knowing it was the purest thing our world holds. Focus on her for the next few days or weeks. Then, when it’s time, and you more than anyone will know…. then, Daniel.”
Boston blinked in quick succession, seeming to take my words to heart as he nodded.
“You’re right. It’s Lucy’s time. She deserves that. She deserved the best. I tried…I mean,” he inhaled shakily, being sucked back under by his grief, “I tried to give her the world. She was my world. Everything I did, I did for her.” He took the ring from his pocket, clutching it in his fist as he lowered his head to connect. My hand moved up his back, and I stood, still facing him.
“I’m going to make coffee and place an order for food. You have to try to eat something. It’s been hours, and you didn’t eat breakfast. Even if it’s something small, you need the strength. Do you want me to choose, or do you feel like something in particular?”
“I…coffee sounds good.”
“What about food? I’m ordering. You can choose, or I can.”
“Boston likes pizza. Meat lovers.”
I nodded to Dr. Patron as Boston lowered his head again. He didn’t speak, and I doubted he’d eat, but I had to do something. I didn’t want him to face the hardships I had when I was finally set free by No One. I focused on revenge when I should have mourned the loss of my son. I couldn’t get that time back. What I could do was my best to see that Boston didn’t follow the same path.
Putting on the coffee, I called in delivery for the pizza. When Dr. Patron entered the kitchen, I gave him one of the mugs. We both stole glances at Boston. He hadn’t moved much since I’d left. He didn’t even seem to be here.
“I called Joy. She’s just devastated. I told her I’d let them know when I heard a timeline for the funeral. She’s going to make the arrangements.”
“Good. I don’t want Boston having to go through that. It’s hard. He needs to focus on himself right now. On him and Lucy.”
I wiped away a tear, noticing my own shaking. My eyes cut over and widened. I glanced to Boston, trying to stay quiet as I headed for the corkboard. I removed it from the wall, refusing to look at the pictures as I kept them angled away. When I opened the garage door, I placed it just inside, facing the wall. Dr. Patron was waiting when I returned.
“Smart thinking.”
“He doesn’t need to see that. I truthfully forgot it was there. We’ve been using the map. Maybe I should have tried to integrate the two. Maybe if I had…maybe I already did...” I trailed off, grabbing his coffee. I couldn’t think about anything but what-ifs. They were eating me alive. How had I failed? I was smarter than this. I should have found her.
“You had all your bases covered. Nothing on that board would have made a difference. I know. I looked at it earlier. Come on. Let’s get him coffee.” Dr. Patron fit his palm to the middle of my upper back, leading me. Boston glanced over at our approached, his face rapidly changing through several emotions. He kept quiet, taking the coffee while I sat down.
Bloodshot eyes edged over, returning to the dark liquid as he blew across the top.
“Anna…do you love Braden?”
My mouth opened, but the odd question threw off a reply. “I told you I did.”
“I mean, really love him. Like you can’t imagine existing without him. Like every breath, every heartbeat, calls for him. Belongs to him. Do you feel that way?”
“I…”
“Boston.” Dr. Patron gave a hard shake of his head. “Not right now.”
“I’m curious. I mean, I can say without a speck of hesitation I feel that for Lucy. I want to know if Anna feels that for Braden.”
I studied Boston as he did the same to me. “I love Braden. We’ve been through a lot. It’s taken us time to work through what happened, but I think we’re finally getting there. Losing Roman…” I cleared my throat and shifted at the way my insides twisted. “Losing Roman almost killed me. I pushed everyone away, including Braden.”
“But the death of your son wasn’t the only reason you isolated yourself from the detective, was it?”
My stare cut to Dr. Patron, and Boston looked between us, confused.
“What does he mean?”
“Janneke.”
Coffee sloshed over the side of my mug as I slammed it against the coffee table.
“How did you know about her?”
“Anna.” Dr. Patron took a deep breath, keeping his words and actions slow. My pulse was slamming so hard, I was shaking all over again. “I know now is not the time, but I felt the opportunity was there since Boston brought it up. Detective…Braden, he moved on when he thought you were dead. He moved on with this woman, and it clearly hurt you. I’m not sure you’re dealing with the pain appropriately.”
“It was coffee,” I ground out. “Coffee. Maybe dinner, and it wasn’t even a date like that. Nothing happened.”
“Your anger over the subject tells me you believe otherwise. Is this change in your mindset helping you, or hurting you? Denying the truth will not benefit you or him if you’re wanting to continue your relationship. The hurt you harbor over this betrayal will return. It’ll come in arguments. It’ll worm its way in during your happiest moments. Is that what you want? To live a life built around unresolved issues?”
“He was seeing another woman? So quickly?” Boston couldn’t hide his disgust or shock. It brought the raw emotions back a hundred fold. I swore to kill Janneke. I clung to the fact that her death would reset us…but would it? No. Dr. Patron was right. I was pushing the truth away. My love for Braden was causing me to ignore the facts. But the facts weren’t the way he was insinuating. In my gut, I knew the truth, even if it hurt.
“Braden had no one. Janneke went to our church. We used to be close friends. When months went by, time took its toll. No One…he wasn’t just torturing me, he was torturing Braden. It’s easy to drop names,” I said, glaring at Dr. Patron, “but the fact is, you weren’t there. You have no idea what either of us went through. Sure, it hurt to know Braden chose her of all people to vent to. But it was circumstance. A run-in that brought them together. Nothing more. Neither searched out the other in the beginning. She helped him when he otherwise would have been isolated and killing himself over the guilt he held. When you tell me to face this, when you spout her name to try to convince me to deal with what happened, know I do. Every fucking second of the day, I do.”
Silence was met with Boston grabbing my hand. Whatever he thought about the situation he didn’t say. But I didn’t care. Boston would never understand, because he wasn’t like everyone else. He had the curse of obsession. It worked with Lucy, but that was over. The real definition would kick in now that he lost her. If that meant a new target, or the condition clung to a dead girl, the consequences for either could be disastrous.