CHAPTER 4
You Can Go On--Dealing With Erectile Dysfunction.
Coping With Incontinence.
Jamie snorted and tossed the books aside, then pulled his cell from the clip at his waist and dialed Garrett directly. “What?” he asked when the Colonel answered the phone. “Was Chicken Soup for the Psychopath’s Soul on backorder?”
Garrett chuckled, the twisted bastard. “I see you’ve arrived.”
“I have.”
“And everything’s in order?”
“Everything but your sense of humor. Basket-weaving? Water-colors? Ballroom dancing? Just exactly when were you planning on me guarding her?” Jamie asked, completely exasperated. Hobbies, hell. What? Had he mistaken him for Richard Simmons? “Because the relaxing schedule I’m looking at leaves very little time for that.”
“Tsk, tsk,” said the Colonel. “You make it sound like you’re not going to have a good time.”
Jamie moved the duffel out of the recliner and dropped heavily into it. He flicked a casual glance around the living room and deemed it to his liking. Comfortable furniture, natural gender-neutral décor. A nice view of the lake. He made a moue of approval. Not bad at all. “I didn’t think the purpose of this mission was to ensure that I had a good time. I thought I was here to protect Audrey.”
“Ah, Audrey, is it?”
Jamie felt his fingers tighten around the cordless phone. “That’s her name. You didn’t expect me to call her Ms. Kincaid did you?”
“No and I don’t want anyone calling her Mrs. Derrick Willis either, which is the real reason you are there. Take notes. You’re about to receive orders.”
Jamie blinked, gobsmacked. “What? I thought you said you wanted me to protect her from a personal enemy.”
“I do--that enemy is Derrick Willis.”
Jamie leaned forward in his chair. Derrick? How could Derrick be his personal enemy? What the fu--
“I have it on good authority that he’s asked my granddaughter to marry him and has given her until the end of the week to make up her mind,” Garrett told him.
Jamie stilled. So that was the question Derrick-the-ass had been referring to, Jamie realized, suddenly sickened. Though he’d barely had time to rub two thoughts together since he’d gotten here, he had to admit that Audrey choosing a boyfriend like that sonofabitch was a little disheartening. Quite frankly, he would have thought she’d had better taste.
What was the draw? he wondered, because it damned sure wasn’t personality or sex appeal. The guy was provokingly abrasive at best and Jamie had personally seen her cringe when Derrick had tried to hug her. That certainly wouldn’t make a happy marriage. It didn’t make any sense.
And he sure as hell didn’t see how he was supposed to “protect” her from Derrick.
“I don’t understand,” Jamie told him, thoroughly confused. “Derrick’s not even here.”
“I know. He’s on a business trip.”
What? Jamie wondered. Did he have the place bugged? “How did you know th--“
“Suffice it to say I have an excellent source in place who also has my granddaughter’s best interests at heart.”
Ah. Tewanda.
He was beginning to get the picture--albeit a vastly different one to what he’d originally been painted--but he still didn’t see how he figured in it. “Sir, with all due respect, I fail to see how I can--“
Garrett chuckled. “For someone with a genius-level IQ, you certainly aren’t doing a bang-up job of putting things together, Flanagan.”
He supposed not, Jamie thought, completely baffled. He couldn’t hit a target that wasn’t here. What the hell did he want him to do? Follow him? If so, then why had he arranged for Jamie to be in place here? It didn’t make any sense. Exactly what did Garrett have in mind--
“Oh, for heaven’s sake,” Garrett finally snapped. “You’re bait.”
If he hadn’t had a death grip on the phone he would have dropped it. Jamie felt his eyes widen and his jaw drop. “I’m what?”
“Bait,” he repeated calmly. “Your reputation with the ladies made you the perfect man for this mission, Flanagan. Oh, I suppose McCann or Payne would have done okay as well, but in order to make absolutely sure that Audrey doesn’t permanently attach herself to that pompous moron I might as well err on the side of caution and send you in.”
Silence stretched across the line while Jamie tried to process what the Colonel had just told him.
“You see,” Garrett continued, “if my granddaughter is even remotely attracted to you, she wouldn’t dream of saying ‘I do’ to that gelled-up wind-bag. She has too much class. And it’s no secret that you have a certain talent with women, so here’s your orders and you’d better heed them to the letter,” Garrett warned, “otherwise, I assure you that you’ll be very, very sorry.” He paused, letting the threat sink in. “For the next five days I want you to shadow my granddaughter. Spend time with her, flirt with her, compliment her. Do whatever it is that you do to get women to fall all over you. But that is all. I’m not pimping you out to my granddaughter, Flanagan,” he said gruffly, some of that legendary piss and gravel in his voice. “Baseball’s an all-American game, so I’ll put it into terms I’m sure you’ll understand. You are on-deck, but you will never bat, do you understand?”
Still in a state of almost shock, Jamie cleared his throat. “Yes, sir.”
“First base is forbidden. Second base is forbidden. Third base is forbidden. If you get anywhere near home plate, you’ll need that book on erectile dysfunction. You’ll also need a surgeon to remove my foot from your ass. Is there any part of this that’s unclear?”
“No, sir.”
“This is a pseudo-seduction, for a lack of better description. I don’t want her to want you, per se. I just want her to want anyone but Derrick. You’re there to instill doubt and I know you can make that happen.”
He could, Jamie knew. He just didn’t want to do it. Not to her. It was wrong and underhanded and smacked of personal interference he knew that she wouldn’t appreciate. “Sir, I realize that I don’t know your granddaughter, but if she ever finds out that you’ve done something like this, she’ll--“
“That’s why she’ll never find out,” Garrett said in his typical omnipotent voice. “She’s special,” he told him. “She deserves someone who will see that. That blowhard Derrick sees nothing beyond himself.”
Jamie passed a hand over his face. “Yeah,” he admitted. “I noticed.”
“You met him?” he asked, surprised.
“He interrupted my check-in. He came in and demanded to see Audrey.”
“Then certainly you can see why I’ve resorted to these somewhat...unorthodox measures.”
Actually, though Jamie didn’t appreciate being the means to which Garrett reached his end, he did see why the Colonel would take such a drastic approach to derailing the relationship. He couldn’t imagine any woman being permanently interested in Derrick, much less Audrey. Why? he wondered, intrigued beyond what was appropriate. What was she doing with someone who was so obviously wrong for her?
Jamie’s head began to hurt. “If I’m going to do this, then I need a little back story.”
“There’s no if, Flanagan,” Garrett told him gruffly. “You owe me and you agreed to my terms.”
And there was that, Jamie thought with a mental sigh. “Fine. Bring me up to speed. How long have they been dating?”
“Too long.”
Anything beyond a minute would be too long, but that wasn’t the answer he’d been looking for. “Naturally. Could you be a little more specific?”
“A little more than a year and half.”
So definitely long enough to know whether they wanted to take things to the next level. Clearly Derrick did, otherwise he wouldn’t have issued an ultimatum. And it had to have been an ultimatum, otherwise he wouldn’t have added a time frame into the mix. So what were the consequences of a no? Jamie wondered. Break-up? Most likely. Derrick seemed like the type.
“Is Audrey aware of the fact that you don’t approve of Derrick?” Jamie knew the answer to that question before it was even fully out of his mouth. The Colonel was always willing to share his opinion--whether a person wanted to hear it or not.
The Colonel laughed. “What do you think?”
“Right,” Jamie said, feeling like an idiot. “And yet she’s still seeing him. Why’s she bucking you on this? What’s so special about Derrick?”
“I don’t think there’s anything special about Derrick.”
“You don’t, but she obviously does. Surely she’s given you an explanation as to why she’s still with him.”
The Colonel hesitated. “She has,” he conceded. “But I’m not sure I should share her personal business with you.”
A bark of laughter erupted from Jamie’s throat. Oh, now this was rich. “You’ve got to be kidding me. You’ve sent me up here to practically seduce her away from this other guy and yet your conscience is giving you a problem with this?” He chuckled darkly. “You need to check your moral compass.”
“Practically is the key word there, Flanagan,” Garrett growled. “But,” he sighed. “I suppose you’re right. The more information you have, the better armed you’ll be to deal with the situation.”
Exactly, Jamie thought. Besides, he was genuinely curious. What on earth would make a great girl like her interested in someone as self-absorbed and shallow as Derrick?
“My granddaughter is a very caring person, Flanagan--unusually empathetic--and as such has always had a habit of attracting people, most often men, who require a lot of her. So much of her, in fact, that she found herself staying emotionally bankrupt. Sick even. Derrick’s appeal is that he’s not like that. He’s arrogant, but not damaged. At least, that’s what I got out of what she’s shared with me,” he said, his voice ringing with a hell-if-I-know sort of resignation. He blew out a breath. “Anyway, I don’t blame her for wanting someone who doesn’t suck the life out of her, but I think she’s swung too far in the other direction. She needs to find a happy medium. If she marries Derrick, that’ll never happen.”
It took Jamie a few seconds to absorb and digest what the Colonel had just shared. “So, in other words, Derrick’s easy.”
“That too,” Garrett replied. “You have your orders, Flanagan. I’ll call for updates.” He disconnected.
Jamie turned the phone off, leaned back into the recliner and blew out a breath. Ten seconds later he turned the phone back on and dialed Ranger Security.
“You aren’t going to believe this shit,” he said in way of greeting when Payne answered his direct line. Jamie briefed his friend on recent events and waited while Payne took it all in.
“Let me get this straight. The boyfriend is the personal threat and he’s sent you in there to ‘psuedo-seduce’ her away from him?”
“In a nutshell, yes.”
To Jamie’s extreme annoyance, Payne laughed. Not just a small series of chuckles, but a gut-rolling guffaw that set Jamie’s nerves on edge. “That’s c-cracked, man. I feel for you.”
“Yeah, it really sounds like it,” Jamie griped.
“Look at it this way. It’s not dangerous, right?”
If he kept his pecker in his pants, no, Jamie thought. But if he snapped and ended up giving her a real seduction, then mortal danger was almost certain because Garrett would most definitely kill him.
“Not in the traditional sense, no.”
Payne paused, evidently reading the ambiguity in that statement. “Damn. She’s pretty, isn’t she?”
Pretty didn’t begin to cover it. She was beautiful in every sense of the word. Jamie had noted those soul-soothing eyes in the photograph in Garrett’s office, but actually looking into them and feeling that calming/ healing sensation in her presence was quite...disconcerting. Garrett’s explanation as to why she was with Derrick made perfect sense. He could easily see a needy person sucking up her goodness like a greedy parasite attached to her soul.
She wasn’t seeing Derrick because she was in love with him--it was an act of self-preservation.
But Garrett was right. There had to be a happy medium. Derrick might not be draining her at the moment, but eventually her own unhappiness and dissatisfaction with the relationship would do the very thing she was trying to avoid.
Though he didn’t approve of how the Colonel had chosen to interfere--and the part he’d ultimately be playing in it--he had to admit that he could see where she’d be better off.
She needed protecting all right--she needed protection from herself.
The question was...who was going to protect him?
When he’d just thought he was supposed to guard her, he’d worried about keeping his hands to himself. Had known that it was going to take a Herculean effort on his part to try and keep his distance. Now he was charged with the task of wooing her...with no reward. What sort of divinely twisted sort of infernal hell was this? Jamie wondered. What sort of bent fate had put him in this position? To seduce with no seduction?
And her, of all people?
“Yeah, she’s pretty,” Jamie finally confirmed.
And he was fucked.