CHAPTER 12
Dear Levi, I don’t know quite how to say this, but I’ve decided that I’m going to have to hate you. Loving you is too hard. I know that may sound irrational, but...it is what it is...
“You ready to go, Dad?” Natalie asked, filling her water bottle from her father’s kitchen faucet. Though her heart wasn’t exactly into combing at the moment, Natalie nevertheless couldn’t bring herself to skip a day. That perfect piece she might miss always haunted her, even when her heart was broken.
“I think I’ll pass this morning, hon. I’ve got some things to do around here.”
Stunned, Natalie stood glued to the spot. He’ll pass? He hadn’t passed in five years, not a day since her mother had died. “O-okay,” she said, because she couldn’t manage anything else.
Sitting placidly at the kitchen table, as though he hadn’t just dropped a bomb onto her already shattered world, her father rattled his paper. “I did a bit of thinking while I was at your Uncle Milton’s house and I realized that I’ve been smothering you.”
“No, Dad, you--“
He dropped the paper and his sad eyes met hers. “Yes, I have. I know it. Have known it.” He swallowed. “After I lost your mother I was so angry at the sea, so fearful of what it could take from me. I even considered selling this house and moving away.”
This was definitely the morning for shocks, Natalie thought, as his comment bolted through her. “You did?”
He nodded. “Do you know why I didn’t?”
“No,” she said, swallowing, because it was a lie. He’d stayed for her. Because Bethel Bay was her home.
“Because you love it here, Natalie, and I couldn’t bear to be away from you. The ocean and your art--“ He shrugged helplessly. “--it’s who you are. So I knew that I couldn’t leave because that would mean leaving you. That’s when I decided that if I couldn’t move away, then I could at least keep you safe. It didn’t matter that you were a strong swimmer. Like your mother,” he added. “Or that you rarely ventured into more than a foot of water.” He smiled, though the grin was anything but amused. It was so sad it made her chest ache. “Nothing mattered but making sure you were okay.” He sighed heavily. “It became my mission, you see. I had to protect you. Because if I was focusing on protecting you, then I wouldn’t have to face my own life, deal with my own loss. Your mother and me, we were supposed to grow old together. We were supposed to take RV trips and spoil grandchildren. I was robbed, you see, and I didn’t want to face it.”
Her throat tightened. She joined him at the table and took his hand in hers. “Oh, Dad.”
“I know that you’re hurting right now, Natalie, and you miss your man. But you haven’t lost him, honey,” he said, explaining it in a weary voice that held a wealth of meaning. “You’ve only lost if you give up. Don’t give up, honey. Love, when it’s real, is worth it.”
She didn’t doubt him, Natalie thought. She just didn’t know how to make it work.
Her tear ducts, however, had been in perfect working order since Levi had left.
* * *
“How are things going over there?” Adam asked two weeks later, when Levi managed to get a call out to home.
“The same as they were when I left,” Levi said. “One step forward, two steps back. Two steps forward, one step back.”
“Yeah, well, so long as you stay a step ahead that’s all I care about,” Adam said. “How are the guys?”
“Fine. Wondering when you’re going to be back in business. Forrester says hi, by the way, and he’s glad to hear that you’re losing weight.”
“Hey, shut the hell up,” Adam said, laughing. “I’ll have you know I’ve been hitting the gym every damned day.”
“That’s good news, little brother.”
“Damned Winnie. I still can’t believe she said that to me.”
Though it officially sounded like a complaint, Levi could tell his brother was secretly pleased with Winnie’s candor.
“That’s the hell of it when it comes to women,” Levi said, staring at a picture of Natalie that he’d stolen from Adam. “You never know what the hell they’re going to say.”
Adam sighed. “You miss her, don’t you?”
He could ask who, but what was the point? Levi passed a hand over his face. “Yeah,” he admitted. “More than I could have ever imagined.”
And he meant that.
Honestly, he didn’t have any idea how these other guys did it. How they walked away from their families--wives and children--to do this job. He’d always known it, but his so-called knowledge had been on a superficial level. He had a whole new appreciation for the guys who were here with loved ones back home. The ones who carried pictures of their children in their pockets and kept snapshots of their wives over their beds.
He got it now. Truly, genuinely got it.
“Well, if it makes you feel any better, she’s a wreck.”
Levi straightened, alarm knifing through him. “Why the hell would that make me feel better?”
“Because misery loves company, I guess.” He sighed heavily. “Of course, I warned you about this, so I hope you know that I’m going to kick you ass with my brand new shiny leg when you get home.”
Though he should have been more interested in the fact that his brother wanted to kill him, he was too distracted by the other part of the sentence to care. “You got it?”
“It’s awesome. Seriously. I can hurt you with it. I’m going to knock your nuts up between your shoulder blades.”
Though he knew Adam was just yanking his chain, there was a hint of truthfulness in the threat. Which only served to make him feel worse. They were adults. They knew how things would play out going in, himself included. But...
“She’s that bad, is she?”
“She’s putting on a brave face,” Adam said. “She’s still coming down and playing cards and I’ve been going combing with her the past few mornings. But there’s a sadness around her eyes that wasn’t there before and she’s not sleeping.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because I know her, dammit,” he said, exasperated. “She’s been staying up, working if I had my guess.”
Levi’s chest ached and let go a sigh. “I’d fix it if I could, Adam. But I don’t know how.”
“Yeah, well, you’re going to have to figure it out,” Adam said, as though a plausible solution was just a good thinking session away, as if he could just drag a remedy from thin air. “I can’t stand to see her this way. And I sure as hell can’t fix it. Because I’m not you.” He paused. “I know phone time is hard to come by, but you’d better be writing her.”
“I am,” Levi said. He’d written her every day since he’d left. Hell, he’d written the first letter while on the plane back over. He couldn’t stop thinking about her either. He woke up and he wondered what she was doing, he went to bed and he wished she was there beside him. And the things that happened in his dreams...they weren’t nearly as wonderful as the real thing.
In short, he was a wreck, and if didn’t get a grip he was going to screw up and the outcome wouldn’t be pretty.
As if reading his mind, Adam issued a warning. “For the time being, you just keep your head out of your ass and focus on what you’re doing. You can figure the Natalie thing out when your tour’s over.”
“Adam, there’s nothing to figure out. She’s in Bethel Bay. Her career, her family, her life is in Bethel Bay. Mine’s here. I’ve been over it six ways to Sunday and this story just isn’t going to have a happy ending.”
“Bullshit. You’re writing the ending. Make it happen.”
Levi felt his patience snap. “How? How am I supposed to do that? If I ask her to come with me, then I’m taking her away from what she loves.”
“I think you’re underestimating just how in love with you she is.”
“Now,” Levi argued. “But what about later? What about when she’s missing the beach and her father and all her friends and family? What about when I’m deployed and I’m not there for her?” Levi sighed heavily. “I’ve been over it. I’ve thought about it. It’s a no-win situation. And we both lose.”
“You’d never consider coming out? Getting a different job?”
“It’s not just a job, Adam. It’s who I am. Hell, you of all people all ought to know that.”
Adam’s silence echoed over the line. “You’re right. Shitty suggestion. I’m sorry. You know, bro, I just want you both to be happy. And I know that you’re happy together.”
He knew it too. But knowing it and making it happen were two completely different things.
“She could always come back to Bethel Bay when you were deployed,” Adam suggested. “Would it be a conventional relationship? No. But it’s better than what you’ve got. Which is nothing.”
Feeling like he’d totally screwed things up, Levi leaned against the wall and considered what his brother had just said.
“Let me ask you something, Levi. No bullshit here, okay? Truth time. Gut-check, you understand?”
He rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Yeah.”
“Do you love her? I don’t mean do you like her a lot or are you infatuated or do you want to have lots of sex with her. I mean do you love her?”
He didn’t even have to think about it, Levi realized. “I do.”
Adam’s breath echoed over the line. “Then you’ll figure it out.”
Then he certainly had a lot more faith in him than he did, Levi thought. Because he didn’t know what in the hell to do.
* * *
Natalie sat cross-legged on her couch, a wad of tissue in her hand and little tissue balls lying all around her. An empty cookie container and soda cans littered her coffee table.
Winnie stood just inside her front door, mouth hanging open, a lavender box of what smelled like petite fours in her hands.
“What the hell are you doing?”
Natalie gestured wearily toward the TV and new tears filled her eyes. “I love this movie,” she said. “It has everything. Have you ever noticed that? It’s not just romantic love, but all kinds of love. New love, old love, love between friends, love between families, betrayed love, unrequited love.” She sniffed loudly. “It’s a wonderful, wonderful example of life.”
Winnie looked genuinely concerned. “It’s called Love, Actually. What did you think it was going to be about?”
“This is my favorite scene,” Natalie told her, aiming the remote control at the television. “Do you see what he’s doing? How he’s telling her that he loves her with those poster boards? How he can move on? Isn’t that r-romantic? Isn’t it wonderful?”
Winnie batted a couple of snot balls aside, then sat down, opened the box and handed her a petite four. “Is this supposed to be symbolic of you learning to go on without Levi? Because I’ve got to be honest. You’re starting to make me sick.”
Natalie almost choked. “What? Sick?”
“Yes, sick. Honestly, Natalie, you knew that this thing between you was never going to be more than it was. You knew that he’d go back to Iraq, that he was just as firmly invested in his career as you are yours. What did you think was going to happen when he left? Did you think you’d be the same? That things would just go back to normal?”
Natalie blinked at her friend. “I thought it would be better. I thought I would be happier.” She gestured toward her friend. “I took your friggin’ advice, didn’t I? If it was wrong, then why the hell did you give it to me?”
“I didn’t say it was wrong. I just said it’s time to accept things the way they are. Be happy for the time you had together. Be happy for the relationship that you had. It’s a damn sight better than the one on paper you’d started with.”
Be that as it may, it wasn’t enough. She wanted him. Needed him in her life. Natalie slumped back against her couch. “I know that! You think I don’t know that?” She felt her bottom lip shake. “What I didn’t know was that it would be this hard. That I would miss him this terribly. I feel like a part of me is missing, a part that I’m not altogether certain I’m ever going to get back. I feel broken and I’m miserable and I’m lonely. I’m sorry if I’m not ‘bouncing back’ the way you think I should, but I can’t help it. And for the time being, I like feeling this way. It makes me happy.”
Winnie gaped at her. “Let me make sure I understand this correctly. You’re happy being miserable?”
“Yes. It’s how I’m supposed to feel right now.” She gestured to the self-help book on her end table. “According to everything I’ve read, this is how I’m supposed to feel at this stage and that makes me happy. Because, clearly, I’m normal.”
Winnie snatched the book off the table and stalked to the trashcan where she determinedly threw it. “You’ve lost your freaking mind, you know that?” She jerked her head toward the bedroom. “Go get dressed. We’re going to do something.”
Natalie looked at her suspiciously. “To do what?”
“Doesn’t matter. Anything is better than watching you sit here and fester in a pool of your own snot and tears.” She grabbed her hands and yanked her from the couch. “Come on. Move.” She sniffed delicately. “And bathe.”
Ten minutes later, feeling marginally cleaner if not better, Natalie walked out of her bedroom. Winnie had tidied the living room and had stolen her copy of Love, Actually. She could see the DVD case poking out of the top of her friend’s purse.
Winnie looked her over and nodded approvingly. “Better,” she said. “You still look like you’ve had an allergic reaction of some sort--“
“That would be to heartbreak,” Natalie said. “I’m allergic to having my heart broken.”
“--but you’ll do.”
Do for what, who knew? But Winnie was right. She needed to get out of her house. She’d been holed up here since Levi had left, alternately squalling, puking, watching romantic comedies and working on the stag.
She’d finished him, actually, and for some reason she’d had it in her head that completing the stag would give her some sort of insight, some sort of closure. That being done with the project would somehow change her on the inside.
It hadn’t.
She was still broken.
Though she was still working a bit on the doe, she’d move the stag into her bedroom and placed it where it was the first thing she saw every morning when she woke up and the last thing she saw before going to sleep. In between, sometimes she’d dream of Levi and sometimes she wouldn’t, but she always awoke with the same lonely feeling in her chest, the same sad realization that, despite the fact that she’d known the rules going in, she was hopelessly, miserably in love with a man she couldn’t have.
It was horrendously unfair.
Winnie peered into her room and saw the stag. She let go a little sigh and her gaze softened. “It’s beautiful, Nat.”
Natalie swallowed thickly. It was, she knew. Some of her very best work. “Thank you.”
“Have you finished the doe?”
“Still working on her.”
Winnie made a low noise in her throat, as though there was some sort of hidden meaning there, but Natalie didn’t have the strength to pursue it. She blew out a breath, put out fresh water for Geraldine and looked to her friend. “So where are we going?”
“You’ll see when we get there.”
Whatever, Natalie thought.
“I thought I saw your dad’s truck parked over at Eloise Dawson’s house on the way over here,” Winnie remarked.
Despite her own misery, Natalie chuckled. “I’m sure you did. I’m relatively certain that he’s been spending the night over there.”
Winnie chuckled. “Sounds like that trip to Uncle Milton’s stirred some things up for your father.”
It sure as hell had, Natalie thought. She didn’t know exactly what had transpired at Uncle Milton’s, but it had been good for both of them. Her father had returned with a spring in his step and a new kind of aftershave and, most shocking of all, no longer insisted on going combing with her. That conversation had been an eye-opener, but she was so very thankful for the progress.
Oh, and he’d sold the lot next door.
It absolutely blew her mind, what little of it was left and not preoccupied with Levi.
At any rate, all around, other than being a wretched lump of human flesh pining away for her soldier, things were looking up around Camp Rowland. As for the lot, when she’d asked who he’d sold it to all her father had said was that she didn’t need to worry, that he was keeping it in the family. More than likely one of her cousins had finally worn him down, Natalie had concluded and, ultimately, in the grand scheme of things, she just didn’t care. She was too busy trying to remember to breathe in and out all day.
Winnie drove a short distance down the road and surprised Natalie by pulling into the McPherson driveway. “We’re here,” she announced as she shifted into park.
“What?” Natalie frowned and looked at her friend. “What are we doing here?”
“Adam asked me to bring you by.”
For reasons she couldn’t explain, Natalie felt betrayed. “You’re talking to him that much, are you?”
A shadow moved over Winnie’s face, making Natalie instantly regret the petty question. “No,” she said. “But he did come round the bakery this morning and told me that he had something to show you. He said he’d called several times, but couldn’t get you to answer the phone.”
She hadn’t been answering the phone for anybody. She didn’t want to talk about how awful and wretched she felt. It only served to make her more pathetic.
“Sorry,” Natalie mumbled. “I thought the two of you were making some progress.”
Winnie smiled sadly. “I did, too.”
“Oh, Winnie. I’m such a sorry, self-absorbed friend.”
Winnie gave her head a sanctimonious nod. “I forgive you. Now let’s go.”
Winnie led the way around to the back of the house and they found Adam on the screened-in porch, reading a true crime novel.
“I didn’t know you read,” Natalie said, more than a little surprised at his new past-time.
Adam feigned outrage and he jerked his head toward the boat. “I do. And I can write, too. It’s some of that fancy learnin’ I picked up in school,” he teased.
Natalie’s gaze followed Adam’s out to the dock where Levi’s boat was docked. She inhaled sharply when she saw the new name which had been stenciled onto the back.
Second Helping.
Adam grinned. “Levi told me that it would have a significant meaning to you.”
New tears pricked her lids. “It does.”
“He wanted me to show it to you.”
She turned and shot him a grateful look over her shoulder. “Thank you.”
He quirked a brow. “Want to share the inside joke?”
Natalie managed a watery grin. “Nope. Just use your imagination.”
And, dammit, she was going to have to use hers to figure out a way to make this work. They had to. The alternative wasn’t working for her at all. When he came home, Natalie promised herself, she’d have some sort of plan in place. Anything was better than this. Any arrangement was better than not having one at all, right?