Vanessa
After Calvin left, I couldn’t sleep. I was exhausted, but I felt really vain about my new hair and I couldn’t stop looking at myself in the mirror.
And then there was the little issue of Cade going to another one of those wild MC parties. I hated thinking of him surrounded by all those women. I knew that when we were together, Cade only wanted me. But what about when I wasn’t around? What about when I was feeling insecure? What about the fact that Cade couldn’t even tell the other guys that he had a girlfriend?
I bit my lip as I rolled around in bed. I was fun for the moment, but what would happen when Cade decided he wanted someone more worldly? That he wanted someone who wasn’t like me at all? That he wanted someone like himself, or worse, someone like Kimmy who already knew their way around the MC scene?
Just thinking about it was enough to make me feel really sick.
My phone started to buzz on the nightstand and I reached for it, clicking it on and holding it up to my ear.
“Hello?”
“Hey, babe, glad you picked up,” Cade said. He sighed. “I did well tonight. Rudy told me that I was doin’ a better job. He’s really proud.” I could hear the cynicism in Cade’s voice. “I didn’t have the heart to tell him about you.”
I swallowed hard. “Okay,” I said softly. My heart was pounding fast. I didn’t exactly know what I’d expected Cade to say. Deep down, more than anything, I wanted him to tell me that everything would be alright and that we wouldn’t have to sneak around for too much longer. That was what I wanted. But I had a feeling that I’d probably never see that happen.
“Are you free tomorrow?” Cade cleared his throat. “I could call the Four Courts and get us a room. How does that sound?”
I nodded. “I want to,” I said softly. “Thanks, Cade.”
There was an awkward silence. Suddenly, I found myself filled with everything that I wanted to say, but I didn’t even know how. I was just a dumb little kid from the wilds of Wisconsin—what the heck did Cade want with someone like me? Every time I thought about it, I realized that I had nothing to give him. I couldn’t bring anything to this relationship, I couldn’t teach him anything. He was the one teaching me.
“Yeah,” Cade said. “Vanessa, is everything okay? You’re not talking much. Did I wake you up?”
“I’m just tired,” I lied. “And my mind is a little distracted.”
“You know you can always talk to me.”
“I know,” I said softly. “I just…” I broke off and pretended to yawn. “I’ll be okay. And we’ll see each other tomorrow night. What time can you get to Four Courts?”
“I have to work with the guys in the afternoon, but I should be able to get there by seven,” Cade said. “I’ll get the same room as before. That okay with you?”
I nodded. That little dingy hotel room was fast becoming a paradise to me. Being with Cade felt like the only escape I had, the only thing that kept me from thinking about my parents or failing out of med school. Without Cade, I didn’t have very much. Without Cade, I only had myself and my loneliness.
“I made a new friend,” I said suddenly. “Kimmy dragged me out clubbing. This cute gay guy, Calvin.”
Cade made a sound. “Are you sure he’s gay?”
I rolled my eyes. “Yes,” I said. “I’m sure. He doesn’t act straight at all. He’s the one who cut my hair.”
“Straight men can cut hair, too,” Cade said.
“I know,” I said. I was starting to feel exasperated with him. “I know they can, Cade. But he’s not straight. You don’t have anything to worry about. Like I’d ever want anyone but you!” All of my frustration and insecurity from earlier was bubbling to the surface and suddenly, I wanted Cade to know just how uncomfortable I felt at the prospect of losing him. “I’m not like you,” I said bitterly. “I may have a life, but I’ve never taken this kind of a chance before. And I could lose everything!”
There was a pause.
“Vanessa, what are you talking about?” I could tell Cade was frowning even though I couldn’t see him. “What the hell is your problem?”
“Nothing.” I let out a deep breath and rolled onto my back. My bedroom was feeling intolerably hot all of a sudden, and I realized that I wanted some fresh air. “Look, I have to go. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
“Okay,” Cade said. “I’m sorry if I said anything wrong, Vanessa. This is new to me, too, you know? I’ve never really had a girlfriend. I don’t date, and I’ve never been with a woman like you before.” He sighed loudly and I felt a sharp pang of guilt in my chest. “So we’re kind of just making things up as we go along, and I know it sucks, but it’s not gonna be like this forever. One day, I promise you’ll be recognized for who you are: the woman I’m with.”
I slumped down against my mattress. Even though I knew it was impossible—we’d only known each other for a few weeks—I wanted Cade to tell me that he loved me. I wanted to hear that he couldn’t live without me, that he somehow needed me to keep going.
But that didn’t come.
“Good night, Cade,” I said softly. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”