IN MY WHOLE career in the military as a Navy SEAL, with all the training I had, nothing could prepare me for this moment. I had seen the ruthlessness of humanity. Desperation calling out to people where they would do anything to save themselves. Women getting raped. Children gutted like pigs. Men taking their own wrath out on each other trying to prove who was bigger and better. But nothing, none of those horrors was even remotely close to seeing the ground my daughter was buried beneath.
I wrapped my arms around Max, kneeling at her feet, and held her close. I squeezed her so hard, I half expected her to complain I was hurting her. But when a soft sob escaped her and she brushed a hand over my head, I held her tighter.
We needed time apart. I got that. But neither of us were brave enough to admit it. I only hoped that with distance, we could find our way back to each other.
What bothered me the most through this whole thing was how Max took it upon herself to deal with this situation on her own. She didn’t call on her sisters for help. She didn’t ask for guidance. She chose to be alone, and I didn’t understand why. And I probably never would.
“Dale,” she whispered, brushing her fingers through the hair at my nape. When I didn’t respond, she lowered to her knees in front me. “Talk to me.”
I couldn’t look at her for fear I would start blubbering like a baby. I wasn’t one to get emotional. Knowing what I had seen in my career, it made even the warmest of hearts turn cold. But losing a child could force even the evilest of monsters into a sobbing mess.
“Why did you do this on your own?” I asked, my voice coming out thick, even I didn’t recognize it.
Her shoulders slumped. Picking at a piece of grass, she shrugged. “I didn’t think it was fair having everyone else help me bury her when you couldn’t be with us. I know I’ve said that I wanted to do everything on my own but the truth is … I was waiting for you.” She met my gaze. “I just didn’t want her lying in an ice box somewhere. So, I had her buried. I’m sorry I didn’t wait for you so we could do it together but I couldn’t stand knowing she wasn’t at rest.”
“Don’t apologize.” I cupped her cheek, brushing my thumb under her eye, and wiped away the lonely tear that had fallen. If only I could wipe away her pain just the same. “I’m here now.”
“You are.” She placed her hand on my knee.
That small touch sent strength soaring through my body. “I’m in love with you,” I blurted.
Her mouth fell open.
Before she could say anything, I stopped her. “I don’t expect you to say anything. I’ve been an asshole. I don’t remember everything but I can feel the regret and see the pain I’ve caused you. I’m sorry for everything I have put you through. I was scared. It’s not an excuse. I get that.” I paused. “I never knew what love was until I met you, but even then, I pushed you away. I don’t have a reason why and I’m not going to make up some shit excuse but I do love you. I know we’ll probably go our separate ways. Maybe that will be forever, maybe it won’t. But I needed you to know before that happened. So …” I cleared my throat. “Yeah.”
She smiled softly, tears now flowing down her cheeks. She wiped them away and turned in my arms, leaning against me. “My grandma told me you loved me. She hasn’t even met you and she knew.”
“You talk to your grandma about me?” I asked, kissing her head.
“I do.” She sighed. “I want to tell you I feel the same but—”
“No.” I pushed her forward and turned her back around to face me. “I want you to say the words when you mean them. You’ve said them before and I fucked up. I’m a patient man when it comes to you, kitten. I will wait until my very last breath to hear you say them and if you never say them again? I’ll still keep loving you. No matter what.”
“No matter what?” she asked, her eyes searching my face.
My blood boiled beneath my skin. “No matter what,” I repeated, not liking the taste of those words on my lips. There was no way I could handle seeing her with another man but in all fairness, she saw me with other women. If I could kick my own ass, I would.
“Thank you for not pushing me.” She held my hands between us, running her thumb over my palm.
“Never. Not when it comes to this. I know your limits.” I brought our joined hands up to my lips and kissed her knuckles before placing a soft peck on her lips.
She returned the kiss, her salty tears coating my tongue. When she pulled away, she looked down at the grave. “I have a picture of her.”
My heart hammered against my ribs. “You do?”
She nodded and reached into her purse. “For whatever reason, she doesn’t look pale in the photo. She just looks like she’s sleeping.” She handed me the image. “That’s your daughter, Dale.”
My throat closed, my eyes burning with unshed tears. The image staring up at me was the most breathtaking thing I had ever seen. Max was holding our daughter, her lips pressed to our baby’s forehead.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I let the tears fall.
***
(Max)
Seeing Dale break down in front of me was not something I ever wanted to see again. He cried as he stared at a picture of our daughter. He swore and cursed under his breath that it wasn’t fair. He was right. It wasn’t. But being with him now made me realize that this situation only made us stronger in the end. I would never wish this sort of pain on anyone. It brought agony to a whole new level. I would never get over losing her but with time, I could get through it. If Dale and I at least remained friends, it would be all I could ever ask for.
Crawling onto Dale’s lap, I hugged myself around him and held him while we both shed our own tears of grief.
“I’m fucking sorry,” he repeated over and over in the crook of my neck. “I will never forgive myself for what I’ve done to you. I should have been there. I shouldn’t have put that stress on either of you.”
His words hurt because they were true. Maybe our daughter would have been alive if I hadn’t been stressed but that wasn’t something I wanted to mull over. It would only drive us both crazy.
“I don’t deserve you.” His arms wrapped around me, holding me until I couldn’t breathe but I didn’t care. “I don’t deserve either of you.”
“Shhh. What’s done is done.” My heart felt lighter. “You’re here now. You’re here for us both.” I leaned back, cupped his cheeks, and kissed him fully on the mouth. He loved me but I couldn’t say those words back. Even though he knew. He had to. No one else mattered since I had met him months ago. From the first moment he had kissed me, no one else existed in my world.
I loved Dale.
But I didn’t tell him.