Cocks and Balls
Last year Miranda decided she wanted to distribute almost all of our tree ornaments to the kids. She wanted each of them to have the things they’d made through the years. The only ones she kept were red and gold bulbs, which left the tree looking a little plain for my tastes.
I’m a Christmas Eve shopper through and through. I like watching the idiot people run around trying to get everyone on their lists at the last minute. In my defense I usually only to buy for less than four people. My parents and my wife. Miranda covered everything else, or we picked it up online.
So it’s Christmas Eve and I venture out with Jake to finish our shopping. He wanted to buy Reese a bracelet so decided to tag along. We’re almost to one of those all year round holiday stores when a lightbulb goes off above my head. “Holy shit! I just got the best idea.”
“Don’t do it,” he warned.
“It’s nothing bad. Well, it doesn’t have to be,” I explain while chuckling to myself. “I just figured out what to add to the tree. Your mother will love it.”
“Last time you said that, Mom spent three days at the cabin to get away from you.”
In my defense it wasn’t totally my fault. Jax and I tried to do something nice. We were going to turn one of the kid’s old rooms into a hobby area for her. Maybe we should have asked before going through her things to move them. We ended up breaking two china dolls that her grandmother on her dad’s side had given her after she passed away. We didn’t even know we’d done it until I went to set them up. Having no clue, I put them on a shelf and left them with holes in their faces, thinking they were just really old and came like that.
It was ugly. I felt terrible. Instead of doing her crafts, she went in there to cry. I wasn’t allowed in there after that. I rarely make an appearance or mention it. It’s just one of those things.
Anyway, not to get off topic, I know I have to be careful when I get an idea. That’s why I always include her. “It will be farm themed. It’s fine.”
“Farm themed? Don’t you think Mom gets tired of seeing animals and you smelling like shit every day?”
“I’m not doing flowers or bows.”
“Still, farm themed. Reese would kick my ass.”
“You live in a house with white furniture. Or should I say you occupy a house with white furniture. You can’t exactly get comfortable when you’re worried about stains and crumbs, can you?”
“We like it that way.”
“Whatever floats your boat, son.”
We leave the shop with two bags of ornaments that all go with the theme I’m shooting for. Upon arriving home I go to town filling the limbs with all of my new purchases. When Miranda walks in the room she crosses her arms and shakes her head. “I should have never let you talk me into this.”
“What? You don’t like it?”
“Chickens? You seriously decorated an entire tree in chickens?”
Chuckling, and shaking my head, I correct her. “They’re cocks if you must know, and balls. Get it, Cocks and Balls.”
She tosses her hands in the air. “I give up!”
The decorations stayed. The were the hit of the holiday. I even took pictures and put them on the internet on Pinterest. If only other people could have my cool ideas and a tree full of Cocks and Balls.
Dad walks over to me and hands me the binder full of stories I’d given him the day before.
“So, what’d you think?”
“I think you’re as demented as they come, but that there was funny as shit. You should have become a writer, son. I would have been a fan.”
“Really?”
He pats me on the shoulder. “Just so you know. I am proud of you. Always have been. I just don’t like telling ya on account of it going straight to your head, whichever one you happen to think with.”
“Damn, that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”
“I look forward to next years stories.”
“You’ll be the first to read them.”
Thanks for reading part one of Ty’s Holiday Mishaps.
Please enjoy a free version of last year’s family novella, Rockin’ Around the Mitchell Tree. Happy Holidays. – Jennifer Foor